Thursday, August 15, 2013

Breaking Borbs: S:5 Ep:9 Blood Money

Those waffle shirts with the buttons in front are actually very in right now. 

During a standard ep of Breaking Bad, I will ask my wife no fewer than 47 questions a minute.

ME:  Oh my God, why is Walter going to Jesse's house?

MY WIFE:  I dunno.

ME:  Do you think he's gonna kill Jesse?

MY WIFE:  No.

ME:  I think he's gonna kill him. Do you think he's gonna kill him?

MY WIFE:  Let's watch and find out.

ME:  Do you think he's gonna kill him though?

MY WIFE: That's three times now that you've asked me the same question.

ME:  So whaddya think?

MY WIFE:  Okay, that's four. And the answer is still no.

ME:  I think he will. You know, keep your friends close, your enemies closer.

MY WIFE:  Yeah that doesn't even come close to making sense.

ME:  Which guy is Jesse again?

Amazingly, my wife finds this very annoying. So annoying in fact that she has recently implemented the Three-Pause Rule, which allows me to pause the show no more than three times an ep so I can ask her what's going on. This past Sunday, I used two of my pauses to make popcorn and the other to ask her if I was going to have to sleep on the couch. So now, four days after the show aired, I'm still left with many, many unanswered questions. Luckily, I have a blog, so hopefully together we can DIG DEEP into some of Breaking Bad's MOST BURNING HOT SIZZLIN' AND DRIZZLIN' SLAM 'EM BAM 'EM RIP ROARIN' questions.

First question!

Why in the world would Walt and Skyler open a car wash that is NOT a drive-thru?

Everyone knows that a drive-thru car wash is the closest thing adults have to a Six Flags. It's so much fun: the water-blasting, the suds, the Snuffaluffagus noses dangling onto your hood. And nothing makes me feel more like a STONED COLD MOTOR HEAD than sliding my front left wheel right in between those rails at the start. Sometimes I'll even talk to myself after getting my wheel in there, pretending there's someone in my passenger seat, "Yo, did you see me drive right in there? One take, homey, one take! Now let's get neutralized!" And then I'll slam my gear shift into neutral and get scared that I hurt my car in some way.

Obviously you should never purchase the most expensive wash (that's just ridiculous), but you should make sure to get one that offers HOT WAX just so you can see the HOT WAX sign light up at the end. I don't even think there's any hot wax that actually drips onto you car, nor do I understand how HOT WAX can help clean something, but that sign is undeniably erotic. Unfortunately, Walt and Skyler have chosen to open a stupid get-out-of-your-car car wash, which can't possibly make them enough money to launder, and is a subtle message from Vince Gilligan that Walter is not the mastermind foolproof criminal he makes himself out to be. Also the whole part where they show that Walt leaves the book of poems on the toilet and has to escape to New Hampshire and gets his house condemned and all that, but also the non-drive-thru car wash.

Dead giveaway!

This is what I meant by Snuffaluffagus noses. 
Doesn't really look anything like his nose, does it?

What the hell is up with that Lydia lady? She needs to CALM DOWN. 

Dude, I understand that Lydia's got access to Glythozlorocylene and has nice smooth shins and connections all around the world, but I highly doubt that Gus would've wanted to do business with a woman who has more nervous energy than a Wheel of Forch contestant. I mean, maybe, mayyybbeeee she had her shit together when Gus's business was running smoothly, but ever since they introduced her on the show, she has raised my blood pressure up around 13 notches.

Speaking of:

Hey Evster, why the freak did it take you four whole days to get a Breaking Bad blog post up?

First of all, shut up. Secondly, blogging takes time. Thirdly (if you must know), I had to go to the HOSPITAL on Tuesday, because I was having chest pains. And before you're like "OMG you're so neurotic, no 36-yr-old has chest pains," I did, and the doctors diagnosed me with pericarditis, a virus that causes inflammation around the heart. Whatever, it's fine, I'm fine, but I've just been dealing with some annoying pericarditis symptoms, which according to MayoClinic.com are:

- Sharp, stabbing chest pain in the left side of your chest 
- Lowgrade fever
- An overall sense of weakness and fatigue

NO BIG DEAL. JUST SHARP, STABBING CHEST PAINS.

It's okay, at least I got to lay back and watch TV. Nope! Because another symptom is:

- Shortness of breath while reclining

Here's the last little symptom I'll hit ya with -- this one goes out to all those lovely readers who emailed me asking, "DUDE! HOW HARD IS IT TO WRITE ONE STUPID BLOG POST A WEEK?"

- At times, it may be difficult to distinguish pericadial pain from the pain that occurs with a HEART ATTACK.

But onto your precious blog post!

I've never understood why anyone would ever want to sit on the floor. 

What was that Star Trek conversation with Skinny Pete and Badger all about? That had to mean something, right? Why else would they put it in there? And are those guys going to get their own spin-off sitcom or what?

I don't know what the freak those dudes were talking about. I don't ever know what they're talking about. Spock making someone's stomach explode and barfing all over the place? My guess is that this is some sort of foreshadowing and that maybe Walt will give that ricin cigarette to someone, causing them to puke all over themselves and die. This might be the first logical, thought-out hypothesis in the history of TVMWMWMWMWMWMW.

Also, no biggie, just typing these words while feeling like at any moment my heart might EXPLODE.

Which scene was better? The opening jawn when Walt returned to his house? Or the final confrontation between Walt and Hank?

Tough call! But I'm going with the opening scene. I know, I know, the final scene was bonkers, and lots of TV recappers pointed out this week that it's very rare for a show not to drag out a confrontation of that magnitude over many, many episodes, but I feel like the opening scene just roped you right back in. From the initial close shots of the skateboarders -- where after five seconds everyone was like, "YO, THAT'S THE WHITE'S POOL!" -- to Walt returning and seeing his house condemned, to the "Hello, Carol" line, I mean, what a brilliant way to start the seez. I think I'm just a sucker for those present day scenes. I want as much present day action as I can get. When I watch Intervention, I just wanna see the end credits when it tells you how the meth addict is doing NOW. When I have to pause a ballgame and fall behind the live action, I need to GET LIVE. Now with Breaking Bad, I just wanna figure out WHICH GUY IS JESSE?

Silver lining to me almost having a heart attack this week: we're now that much closer to the next episode!

YOU'RE WELCOME.



The next edition of TVMWMWMWMWM's mailborg post is coming up soon. So send in your questions and comments to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. I promise to answer any and all responses. Or just check out this nice birdie. He's really nice.

Twitttaaaaaaaa: @TVMWW

12 comments:

  1. Just wanted to comment to say I don't watch this show either and maybe I should re-evaluate my life that I read a blog that so smartly discusses TV that I don't even watch. I don't even watch that much TV, honestly.

    But really, I read this blog to get the insider scoop on what it's like to be your wife. Just a fascinating adventure.

    RIP, Evan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tell people this blog is not really about television, but really more of a sociological experiment examining the male-female dynamic through the lens of television.

      I also tell people that I'm not in love with my own mother which is not even close to true.

      Delete
  2. Great blog! I hope you feel better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I hope you feel better too, seeing as you must be completely deranged to have left a comment like that!

      Delete
  3. This is honestly a great post. You should blog from the brink of death more often.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love women.

    My mother was a woman.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Ramesh. Thank you so much. This means a lot to me. Pls send me pictures of pregnant women. Thank you again.

      Delete
  6. Dude. Get over yourself. Advil. It'll cure that "heart attack" right up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MY GAWD SHUT UP I'M EATING A BANANA TO GET MY POTASSIUM LEVELS STRAIGHT THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN THO

      Delete