Monday, August 19, 2013

Breaking Bad S:5 Ep: 10 - Something About a Car Wash?

I never noticed Walter was bald. 

It's amazing that it took television producers so long to greenlight a show about a guy who owns a car wash. I mean looking back, it's like, wow, a car wash is such an amazing and obvious backdrop for a show -- the crazy cast characters who come through, the cars, THE SUDS -- so thank God the people at AMC had the confidence to go forward with Breaking Bad. Now, as we get closer and closer to the end of the series, each episode heats up with more sizzling hot, soaking wet, sweet car wash action.

Last night was no exception. Let's go back and revisit the latest episode.



The show opened at night on a suburban street, where an old guy left his house and hopped into his truck that was in desperate need of a car wash (OR SHOULD I SAY, TRUCK WASH?!). But as the old guy started up the engine, he spotted a whole wad of cash on the ground.

"Great! Now I can afford the supreme car wash ... OR SHOULD I SAY, TRUCK WA---" but then he found more money, and more money, and as he followed the trail of cash, he spotted an abandoned car that REALLY needed a car wash.

And also, a person.

"Hey buddy! You lookin' for the car wash?"

It was Jesse! who was laid out on a merry-go-round, 20 feet away from his dirty, rusty, embarrassing car. (Maybe a metaphor for how Jesse needs to COME CLEAN?) But Jesse was all out of sorts, and just sat back and looked up at the stars, remembering a simpler time when you could sit in your car at the car wash and not have to get out to pay an attendant.

Zip back to Hank and Walt (exactly where we left them), frantically trying to call the car wash.

"What's going on with the car wash?!" Walt screamed into the phone, desperate to know how many customers they had. But Skyler was nowhere to be found. Was the car wash broken? Did someone forget to put their car in neutral? WAS THERE A TRUCK THAT COULDN'T FIT IN THE CAR WASH?!?!

In pure Vince Gilligan fashion, he halted the scene without tipping his cap, instead leading us to a diner where Hank and Skyler met in secrecy.

"Skyler, it's just, it's just ..."

"What Hank? The car wash?"

"I don't know how to tell you this, Sklyer."

"Good God, Hank, what is going on with our car wash?"

"You haven't had any trucks go through the car wash, have you?"

"Ummm, ummm, I dunno. Why do you want to know, Hank?"

"It's just, look, here's a tape recorder, just tell me how many trucks have gone through your car wash."

"Hank, I don't know if I feel comfortable talking about my car wash without my car wash partner."

"Skyler, I know you've had trucks at your car wash."

"Hank, I don't know what you're accusing me of here, but I feel like I should have a lawyer present."

"Do you understand that a truck CANNOT fit through a standard car wash, Skyler? Do you know what could happen to you and your kids if you let trucks go through that car wash?"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF OPERATION YOU THINK I'M RUNNING HERE, HANK. IF I WANTED TO WASH TRUCKS, I WOULDA OPENED A..."

"GODDAMMIT I KNOW THAT, SKYLER. YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?"

"THIS ISN'T A GODDAMN TRUCK WASH, HANK!"

"Skyler! Just listen!"

"ARE YOU ARRESTING ME FOR WASHING TRUCKS, HANK?"

Silence.

"ARE YOU ARRESTING ME FOR WASHING TRUCKS?"

More silence!

"ARE YOU ARRESTING ME FOR WASHING TRUCKS, HANK? 'CUZ IF NOT, THEN I'M GOIN' BACK TO THE TRUCK WASH! I MEAN, CAR WASH!"

Hank rubbed his head. Freudian slip? Or a much-needed clue to CRACK DA CASE?!?!

That's honestly a really stupid name for a car wash. 

Cut to a blindfolded Lydia as she rode through the desert being led to a secret parking lot full of trucks that needed a wash. When her blindfold was removed, she couldn't believe her eyes.

"Good God, these trucks sure are dirty," said Lydia.

"The trucks are fine!" said Angry Guy Jones. "Don't talk to me about my trucks. These are good, diesel-running, American trucks. Dirty or not, they do the job."

"They're filthy!"

"They're good trucks I tell ya! Now get down there in that secret hole in the ground, we men got men things to talk about up here! Mainly, trucks."

Lydia, now holed up in a dirty underground truck, heard rumblings up on land.

POW! CLANG! POW POW CLANG! CHIGGY CHIGGY CHIGGY CHANG! EH EH EH EH POW POW!

And then silence again.

"It's safe to come up now, lady!" hollered a voice from above. Maybe a talking truck? Nope, it was the red-headed crazy guy.

"Why'd we do that, lady? Why'd we kill all those people? And what are we gonna do with all these dirty trucks? I don't think they can fit in your standard, non-drive thru, American car wash."

"Don't worry, red-headed guy," Lydia said as she pushed down her sunglasses. "I know a place."

Did you know in real life she's dating the guy who played Herman Munster?

Back to Walt! Who was now digging furiously in the desert, laying the foundation for a NEW CAR WASH?

QUICK BREAK FROM THIS RIDICULOUSLY ABSURD BLOG POST TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE: Does it amaze you how totally nonchalant these people are about driving their cars through the desert? And I don't mean driving on the desert highway where your car can overheat or blow a tire or get BUGS ALL OVA DA WINDSHIELD, I mean when they literally drive into the desert, OVER THE SAND, and onto some super remote location. I get nervous enough when I go apple-picking every fall and the parking attendant tells me I have to park on the grass. Like, my car is definitely going to get stuck in the mud, or maybe I'll run over a huge rock. And just now as I'm typing this, I'm realizing how ridiculous that is, but still. These Breaking Bad people are RECKLESS with their automobiles and I can't believe my wife is going to make me go apple-picking with her again in just a few, short months.

Full disclosure: I obviously love going apple-picking so I'd like to apologize to my wife for that last sentence. Honey, I was just trying to show off for my internet friends. I cannot wait to get apple cider and/or lyme disease with you again this fall.

Back to Skyler! whose sister Marie barged into her house to talk about the car wash.

"Skyler, how long have you known that Walt has been washing trucks at the car wash?"

Skyler said nothing.

"Skyler, did you know about this before Hank got shot?"

Still nothing.

"Sklyler, did you?"

"Did you just call me Sklyler?"

"No, I said Skyler."

"Pretty sure you said Sklyler."

"Sklyler, you're my sister, I know how to pronounce..."

"There! You did it again!"

"Did what?"

"You called me Sklyler!"

"Oh, stop it, I did not call you Sklyler. That's not even a name."

"What's my name? Do you even know my name?"

"Stop avoiding the subject, SkyMall!" Marie said as she SLAPPED her sister across the face! Then she ran outta the room, grabbed the baby and made a dash for the door.

"Marie! Give me back my baby!"

"I will do no such thing, Sylor!"

"Okay now you're just being ridiculous."

"I will not allow my niece to grow up in a household where her parents illegally wash trucks at a standard, non-drive-thru, American car wash!"

"Marie! Give her back the babby!" said Hank, rushing in to interrupt the action.

"Thank you, Hornk!" said Skyler as she took back her child, and then the three of them went their separate ways, wondering how a simple, standard, non-drive-thru, American car wash could have gone off the rails.

METAPHOR, GILLIGAN? I THINK SO.

BACK TO JESSE, who was now handcuffed at the police station, being interrogated about the car wash.

"What do you know about this car wash, PINKMAN?"

"Yeah, I bet you know a whole lot, PINKMAN. Like where they keep the soap, and where they keep the stash!"

"And also where they keep the soap!"

"And why do I have to get outta my car at that car wash, PINKMAN? I hate getting outta my car."

"Me too, man. Whatever happened to the days of punching in a code and riding on through ..."

" ... and watching the suds drip down onto your car ..."

"... and onto your hood ... dripping ... "

" ... always dripping ..."

"... and the massive vacuums, blowing your windshield wipers all over the place ..."

"... so intense ... "

" ... SO intense ..."

"Whaddya know, PINKMAN?!"

"Yeah, what ya got, PINKMAN?!!"

Just then, Hank walked in, holding three used air fresheners, a dead body and a bottle of hooch.

"Calm down boys, I got it from here."

Jesse looks up.

"It's hooch time."

CREDITS





Oh my God I'm so sorry. That was so, so, so stupid. But the video above is amazing, if only because of Mick Jagger's outfit. Also, reminder to get your questions and comments into TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com for the next mailborg post (coming soon). Or don't, it honestly doesn't matter. Here's a link to some secret insider informashe about Turner and Hooch. Did you know Jack Nicholson, Bill Murray and Chevy Chase were all considered for the role of Turner? Ugh, who cares. Also, did you know that AMC rebranded some car washes across the country as the White's A1 Car Wash to promote the show before the season premiere? Check it out

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