Look, I love writing this blogblog. I really do. TVMWW brings in loads of hot wet cash and gives me the opportunity to spend quality time with my wife. But it's not my passion. It's more just a way to pay the bills. My true dream in life is to not write about television, but for television, which is why I've been working on this pilot script for the past eight or so years.
So here it is: Beige Man.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Mornin’ Steve.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Hey there, Gladys. How ya doin’ today?
MRS. BANK TELLER: Pretty good, pretty good. How ‘bout yourself?
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Oh, you know.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Yeah, I have no idea. No idea how you’re doin. That’s why I asked.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yep.
MRS. BANK TELLER: What can I do for you today, Steve?
STEVE BEIGEMAN: I’m goin’ on vacation!
MRS. BANK TELLER: Are ya really? That’s great, Steve. That’s just great.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah, just need to get away for a bit, Gladys. Been a rough year, ya know? My dad died of skin cancer this past March.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Steve.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah, that’s all right. My mom died of skin cancer, too. In February.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Aw, Steve.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: It’s our complexion.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Yeah, I can imagine. You’re so beige.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: My brother and sister were just diagnosed with skin cancer, too.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Aw, man. I’m so sorry, Steve.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah, but greener pastures, know what I mean?
MRS. BANK TELLER: Nope. No idea what you mean. So where ya headed, Steve?
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Well, can’t ya tell?!?!
STEVE holds his arms out to MRS. BANK TELLER and raises his eyebrows. His mouth is open as he gestures at his clothes. MRS. BANK TELLER just sits there, shaking her head, no idea how this can tip her off in any way. She starts to open her mouth to answer, but has no idea what to say.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Ssssss…
MRS. BANK TELLER: Sssssssssss…?
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Ssssssaaaaaa…
MRS. BANK TELLER: Saaaaaaaaannnndeeee—ayyy…
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Saaaffffaaaaa…
MRS. BANK TELLER: Saaaaffffaaaannnndeeee—ayyy …
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Safari!
MRS. BANK TELLER: Safari!
BOTH STEVE AND BANK TELLER TOGETHER: Safari! Safari.
MRS. BANK TELLER: You’re goin on a safari.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: An African Safari!
MRS. BANK TELLER: Right, of course. Of course.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Gotta blend into the desert, Gladys! Why do you think I’m wearing all this beige?
MRS. BANK TELLER: Yeah, well, that’s kinda what you always wear, Steve.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: That’s true. That’s definitely true.
MRS. BANK TELLER: But why the turtleneck, Steve? Isn’t it gonna be hot in Afr---
STEVE BEIGEMAN: That’s just my complexion.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Wow.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Very beige.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Very, very beige.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.
MRS. BANK TELLER: You are seriously so beige.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Thanks, Gladys.
MRS. BANK TELLER: So what can I get for you today, Steve?
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Travelers’ checks, please!
MRS. BANK TELLER: Smart. Smart move. Travelers’ checks are a great way to protect your money while overseas. No one really accepts them, but very safe.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Well, it’s like my mother used to say, “It’s the neutral thing to do.”
MRS. BANK TELLER: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. No idea what she was talking about, but it sounds like something. Certainly sounds like something. So here ya go Steve. A stack of travelers’ checks.
MRS. BANK TELLER passes STEVE his travelers’ checks.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Okay, just wanna check my balance on my phone real quick before I go. Looks good! Looks good, Gladys.
MRS. BANK TELLER: Great! Have a great trip, Steve.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Thanks!
STEVE tips his cap to MRS. BANK TELLER when a large scream is heard at the front of the bank. Two robbers, CURLY and SMOKEY, are standing at the front door with machine guns pointed at the sky. They are dressed as colorful clowns, with big rainbow wigs and painted faces.
CURLY: All right, everybody! Shut up and hit the floor!
SMOKEY: Yeah! Shut up and hit the floor!
The two robbers move their guns from side to side, pointing the barrels at every customer and employee. As they start to inch closer to the center of the bank, panicked customers and bank employees dive onto their bellies and whimper in fear. STEVE BEIGEMAN stands in the center of the bank, cell phone in hand.
CURLY: Hey! You tryna be a hero?!
SMOKEY: Yeah! You think we don’t see you? Tryna blend in?! We see you, tough guy!
CURLY: Whudderyou, one of dem secret ops?
SMOKEY: Might be one of dem secret ops!
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Nope. Nope. Just me, local resident Steve Beigeman.
CURLY: Where ya goin? Whatt’re ya doin? Can’t even see you over there! Just blending into the walls!
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Don’t want any trouble now. It’s just me, Steve Beigeman. I’m just a simple house painter. See?
STEVE BEIGEMAN pulls out one of his business cards and throws it to the robbers. It reads:
STEVE BEIGEMAN PAINTING
Specializing in neutral colors
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Painted a lot of houses in this area. Both interiors and exteriors. And I’ve got a lot of friends in this bank, don’t want anyone to get hurt.
CURLY: Painters shun’t be acting like heroes!
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Well, I’m not a painter, painter. Not like Michelangelo or anything. Houses. I paint houses. Never cared too much for watercolors. Have done some pottery at times, but…
CURLY: What are ya talking about?!?!
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Just talkin’ bout paintin. I’m also a bit of an interior designer, too, although that’s really more of a hobby right now. Specialize in a lot of neutral colors, mostly beige. Look. Here’s some of my work.
STEVE reaches his hand out to the robbers, passing them his phone.
CURLY: What’s that in your hand?!?!
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Just a phone.
CURLY: Can barely see it!
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah, it’s got a beige case.
SMOKEY: Maybe it’s one of them secret phones, Boss! Prolly just called 9-1-1 and everything.
CURLY: Gimme that!
CURLY snatches the phone from STEVE BEIGEMAN.
CURLY: What is this? Pictures of your living room?
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Yeah, recently redesigned it. Went with a lot of neutrals.
CURLY: It’s so beige!
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Thank you.
SMOKEY: There’s no paintings on the walls. Why ain’t there any paintings on the walls?
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Well, I planned to put some up, I honestly planned to, but I just really liked the beige. Here, look at the couches.
STEVE walks over to SMOKEY and CURLY. The three men huddle around the phone, looking at pictures of STEVE’S living room.
SMOKEY: They’re all beige.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: Every one of ‘em.
CURLY: I’ve never seen anything so beige. Here, hold these.
CURLY gives STEVE his gun, as well as SMOKEY’S. CURLY takes the phone and scrolls through the pics. As he does, two policemen, FRED and FRARV, barge in the door, guns in hand.
POLICEMAN FRED: Freeze!
POLICEMAN FRARV: Hold it right there!
SMOKEY and CURLY put their hands up. STEVE BEIGEMAN stands next to the robbers, with their guns pointed right at them.
POLICEMAN FRED: We got you, suckers!
POLICEMAN FRARV: Well, we didn’t get ‘em. Beige Man did!
POLICEMAN FRED: Great job, Beige Man!
POLICEMAN FRARV: Yeah, great job, Beige Man!
SMOKEY: Beige Man?!?! Why, I never.
CURLY: Goddammit, Beige Man. We’ll get you for this!
The two policemen walk up to the robbers and put them in handcuffs. STEVE BEIGEMAN just stands there, lookin’ at the walls. He has absolutely no idea what’s going on.
STEVE BEIGEMAN: I like to paint houses. I like to paint ‘em beige.
POLICEMAN FRARV: You’re goddamn right ya do.
Text on screen: BEIGE MAN