Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Bachelorette: How to Fix the Most Busted Show on Television

Honestly James's cheeks look really smooth there.

ME:  I might have to officially put this show on probation.

MY WIFE:  What does that mean?

ME:  I don't know.

I have no idea what to think these days. The reality television show that has buttered my bread for the last three years has gone completely off the deep end. Men wearing colored hoodies are arguing with other men wearing the same hoodies JUST IN DIFFERENT COLORS over a woman they barely know. Chris Harrison is flouncing around Spain like a chocolate sprout (no idea what that means). Juan Pablo is crying. Des and one of the dudes keep sharing poems with each other. THEY KEEP SHARING POEMS WITH EACH OTHER. How much longer can we continue to watch this broken social experiment??? This show needs to be fixed or I might be forced to watch something else on Monday nights, or possibly, hold your breath now, give up this blog.

PLEASE STOP CLAPPING. 


Before I tell you how the show can be fixed (oooohhhhh, you're such a tease, Evster!), let's take a look back at some isht that happened last night, starting with Drew aka the guy who thought it'd be a good idea to bring an umbrella on a date because UMBRELLAS STOP RAIN FROM FALLING ON YOU AND GOD FORBID YOU GET RAINED ON IN SPAIN OMG THANK YOU FOR BRINGING AN UMBRELLA MR. KNIGHT IN SHINING COLLARED SHIRT UNDER SWEATER. Whatever, I don't even care about the umbrella, umbrellas are fine, they work, they keep you dry, I get it, I totally get it, but when Drew mentioned that his father was his hero? I mean, c'monnnnn mannnnnn. Your hero? Shutttttt uppppppppp. 

There is no dude in this world (with the exception of Eazy-E's sons) who thinks of his father as a hero. That's a fact, that's just a medical fact. I don't care how wonderful your father is -- how he beat cancer, or overcame an addiction, or died for his country in battle -- he doesn't match up to REAL MUTHAFUCKIN Gs who put out gangsta rap albums and rock Jheri Curls. Eazy-E died because he had sex with too many women. That's the way to go. That's a hero. Losing your life because you banged too many bitchez. Until Drew recognizes that his father is a DORK, he will never make a good husband or father. Plus, he uses the word "anyways" instead of "anyway" and was sitting Indian Style in bed last week which is totally unacceptable I mean come on dude get over yourselfffffffffff. 

That's not even a real baby!

Quick note to my father who may or may not know how to use a computer: I love you, Dad, you're a great guy, but this past weekend you tried to feed lettuce to your baby grandson. The kid is six months old. He doesn't even know how to chew. Don't get me wrong, it was totally cute watching the lettuce hanging out of his mouth, and I totally understand you wanting to introduce him to Caesar salad dressing, but he could have DIED. I still L U, Dad, you're not my hero, but I L U. Keep doing what you're doing, playa, just not with a baby. #CaesarSaladCrew4Lyfe. 

Also quick note about Drew: solid move to push Des against that wall and jam his tongue down her throat. Despite his shortcomings, that's a total baller move and guaranteed him a spot in da Fantasy Suite. My wife and her two friends got totally AROUSED while watching that, so thank you Drew for allowing the sweet smell of female pheromones to penetrate TVMWW Headquarters last night during the 8-oclock hour. 

I don't remember them taking their shirts off last night. Do you?
I'm pretty sure I woulda remembered that / heard my wife moaning.

Still though, Des's decision-making this seez has been piss poor. Keeping poem guy and MICHAEL over Juan Pablo was a goddamn sin. And even though James was a major bonehead, I totally sided with him when he was arguing with the rest of the crew. 

And now, maybe the most serious paragraph in TVMWW history. 

Look, I understand that what James said about getting to the final four and becoming the next Bach was stupid. In the world of the Bach, that's a cardinal sin, you don't say those kinda things, even if you're thinking them, but WHOOOO CAREEESSSZZZZZZ. The guy has been on ONE DATE with this woman. ONE. And he went on a date with her ON NATIONAL TELEVISION WITH CAMERAS FOLLOWING THEM AROUND. This is no way to see if you're compatible with another human being. It was perfectly acceptable for James to be thinking about other women, or his future, or to see if he even likes Des! She seems like a nice lady. Maybe some of these dudes have a connection with her, but to LOCK YOURSELF INTO HER like Drew and the rest of the gang has done is RIDICULOUS. You don't have to give yourself completely to the Bach/Bachelorette. This is a two-way street people, just go out on a few dates, let your tongues lick each others, and see what happs. This show has to stop with the whole "I'M HERE FOR ONE REASON AND ONE REASON ONLY" bullshit. These guys sign up for a ridiculous experience that may or may not end up as a love connectsh. Enough with the goddamn hand-holding. My blood presh is THROUGH THE ROOF right now. 

Luckily, I have come up with a foolproof system to fix this show. 

Forget that paragraph two paragraphs ago, this next one is the most serious paragraph in TVMWW history. 

The biggest problem with this reality show is that it's not realistic. Dates are jam packed with people doing things that no human beings ever do -- scaling buildings, eating dinner in caves, surfing on an elephant's tit -- of course they're gonna fall in love! You wouldn't want to surf on an elephant's tit? That's basically all I want to do. But what happens when these lovers get back to Dickville, Oregon, and have to spend a boring Tuesday night together? No more surfing on an elephant's tit. No more free hooded sweatshirts. So here's my suggestion: introduce The Evster's Mystery Date Wheel. (Obviously that's a horrible name, but the name can be fixed, it's the idea that's brilliant.) Stop judging and listen for a second you fat dick. 

Before every date, the Bachelor or Bachelorette gets to choose who they want to go on a date with, and that person gets to spin The Evster's Mystery Date Wheel (ugh, the name really is terrible) to see how much money that get to spend on the date. The wheel consists of different monetary values (it's basically the same wheel as the one on Wheel of Forch) ranging from $50 to like $1000. There'd also be a $10,000 jawn and maybe a whopper $50,000 too, but that's not the point, the point is that whatever dollar amount the person lands on, they get that much to PLAN A DATE. No more helicopters, no more Loretta Lynn concerts (unless they land on the $50,000 jawn and want to spend their money on that), just normal dates where the SUITOR must take out the Bachelor or Bachelorette. If they're in LA, the suitor must go online, figure out what's going on that week and plan that shit. There's a Greek Festival? Perfect. A movie in the park? Get some blankets and bug spray. A Cranberries concert? Bing bong! The date planner must stay on budget. He must deal with making reservations, waiting in line, dressing himself, dealing with other people, or essentially, all the stuff that everyone deals with whenever they plan a date. This way, we'll get to see who is creative, who is legitimately thoughtful, and who puts effort into their date planning -- because if there's one goddamn thing that all women want in this world (besides a REAL MUTHAFUCKIN G BETWEEN DA SHEETS), it's for a man to put effort into planning stuff! Trust me. I know. I'm married to a real, human woman. Until this happens, until there is a MAJOR SHIFT in the way this show in constructed and the introduction of a GIANT COLORFUL WHEEL, then this show will continue to be filled with two hours of dogshit every Monday night.

I HAVE PUT A LOT OF THOUGHT INTO THIS. 

Now let's kick it over to The Cranberries for the new official TVMWW theme song.

Does anyone care-urrrrr-urrrrr?

Does anyone care-urrrrr-urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?



For the rest of the Bach season, I'm gonna use this space down here for a new feature called "Ayo Evster!" in which readers write in with questions and I answer them. Our first reader question is brought to us by @Turbo_Timmy

"Ayo Evster, James just had under-boob sweat when he was talkin to Dez on the steps now he's talkin to the fellas and has nothin did you notice that???"

Nice job Columbo. Obvs I noticed that! I'm a PROFESSIONAL TELEVISION BLOGGER FOR GOD'S SAKE YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? THIS AIN'T NO STINKIN' GAME! THANKS FOR PARTICIPATING THO, TURBO, LEMME KNOW IF YOU WANNA HANG OUT THIS WEEKEND. K CATCH YA LATER. 

Got a question for the next "Ayo Evster"? Send it to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com


5 comments:

  1. I like your idea and all, but I'd rather every single date involve surfing on an elephant's tit, tbh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. might be onto something here.

      you know anyone at spike tv / or a zoo?

      Delete
  2. WHO MADE JUAN PABLO CRY? ARE YOU TELLING ME DES MADE JUAN PABLO CRY?

    AYO EVSTER, CAN WE KILL DES FOR DOING THIS TO JUAN PABLO?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. IF WE WERE TO KILL HER THIS WOULD NOT BE THE WAY TO GO ABOUT IT

      Delete
  3. Great idea!Call me when the the season is over I am busy in Chicago having a threesome on my buddys boat.

    ReplyDelete