Full disclosure: my wife did not force me to watch Pitch Perfect. I watched it all by myself on a rainy Friday afternoon after my friend Hart (who has tattoos!) recommended it. Hart said he “laughed out loud a lot," and "it didn't suck nearly as hard as it should've sucked." Hart also once fell off a stage while dancing at a bar and tore his ACL. Also, TVMWW’s Hollywood Correspondent in Charge of Tacos, Sara Circs, live-tweeted Pitch Perfs the day before, so I figured it’d be good fodder for the blorg. Was it? I have no idea, but I do know that you are now here, about to read a collaborashe between me and Sara Circs, because you are pathetic.
EVSTER: All right, Circs, I was in college from 1995-1999, so I just missed the whole acapella explosion (THANK GAWD). Not that I don’t like acapella, I do -- Boys II Men, Doug E. Fresh, Daye-Dayenu -- it’s just when you start putting a bunch of clammy white people together and they start making all those weird faces, well, you understand, you have to understand. The only two people who I’ve ever known who joined a cappella groups were a REALLY JEWISH girl from Penn (her group was called the Shabbatones and they only sang songs in Hebrew) and a gay guy (not that that has anything to do with it, but c’mon, that totally has something to do with it). Based on the fact that you went to one of those small liberal arts colleges where people refused to use staplers, I’m guessing you love acapella groups. You were probably even in one. Be honest, were you in one? Oh you definitely were. What was your group called? The Song Dongers? The Notes n Goats? The Bing Bongs? Be honest. It was the Bing Bongs, wasn’t it? I can't believe you were in the Bing Bongs.
SARA CIRCS: (Oh my god oh my god oh my god. What do I say? Will they know if I’m lying? Why am I sweating so much? (I feel like I’m just thinking this stuff but it’s possible people can actually read it!) Okay, Circs. Calm down. Just play it cool.) THERE’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. I WAS IN AN A CAPPELLA GROUP. WE WERE CALLED THE EPHLATS. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. I AM VERY PROUD AND NOT ASHAMED. IT WAS COOL. WE WERE COED AND SANG BEN FOLDS FIVE SONGS. I WAS THE DIRECTOR. THERE WAS A PITCH PIPE AND I WAVED MY HANDS AROUND. I HAD MANY ADMIRERS IN COLLEGE. (I think that went well!)
|These are the actual Ephlats and damn look at dem titties.|
EVSTER: I knew it! Okay, here’s the thing: why do all acapella groups feel the need to make their names into music puns? And am I supposed to know what an ephlat is? It’s not like all NBA teams all named the Cleveland Ram Jammers! Or the Utah Baloney Balls. Or the San Antonio Slam Danglers. Or the Brooklyn Black People. Or the Indiana I Could Honestly Do This For Hours.
But let’s talk about the actual movie. Basic premise for anyone who hasn’t seen it -- although I highly doubt anyone is reading a super-mega-long-dong blog post about Pitch Perfs without having seen it -- some lady goes off to college, she joins an acappella group, there’s some guy who likes her, they’re forbidden from having sex, I gotta be honest, I fell asleep halfway through. Does she end up boinking the guy? She obviously does. Oh my God that scene where she and that other chick were singing that David Guetta song in the shower (relax people, it is not NEARLY as exciting as it sounds) was sooooooo embarrassing. They were just singing and staring at each other! No music! I guess that’s the point, but I was physically uncomfortable. Also our couch is made of this weird ultra-suede that gets really hot in the summertime.
If there is one positive thing I can take away from this movie, it’s the fact that I now know who Anna Kendrick is.
And A) she’s not all that, and B) she wears WAY TOO MUCH eyeliner!
|Honestly that eyeliner's ridiculous and those headphones make your ears sweat so much.|
SARA CIRCS: Nope! You are absolutely not supposed to know what an Ephlat is. I was trying to save you some of your readership by sparing you an explanation, but apparently you don't care about that. What an absolute shock. Anyway, my school's team name (ugh this is so depressing) was the Ephs (pronounced "eefs") (GO EPHS!!), named for the founder, whose name was Ephraim Williams. I dunno, maybe we were in a big theatrical hurry to come up with a team name at that very first game (undoubtedly against our big rivals, the LORD JEFFS of Amherst (not a joke!)). And we CERTAINLY weren't going to call ourselves the Staplers, am I right old boy? So Ephs it is/was/who cares? Anyway, E flat is a musical note, Ephlat sounds the same as E flat, it's a goddamned pun, deal with it. Oh, and the group was formed in the 1950s, so the reason for the pun? People were lame back then. #dontwastemytime
And B) she wears all that eyeliner because she’s TOUGH. Did you not read my live-tweeting of this movie? Ugh, why am I asking that? I didn’t even read it. The point is, she wears eyeliner / sometimes braids her hair in cool intricate patterns = she’s tough = ANTITHESIS OF COLLEGE A CAPPELLA. Like, you’d sooner expect her to be dealing crack in a Baltimore slum than singing without accompaniment. That’s the hook of the whole movie, Evster. How did THIS girl find herself in this absolutely INSANE predicament? And how will she save the day / learn something about herself / justify participating in the bizarrely outdated racist and homophobic jokes peppered throughout this relatively predictable jawn of a movie (am I using it right?)?
As for the shower scene, A) please, it was hot, and B) oh sorry you’ve never sung in the shower without a full orchestra backing you up, you shower orchestra snob.
EVSTER: “Jawn” can essentially be used in any way, shape or form, and yet you still somehow managed to use it incorrectly. Regardless, yeah, I guess Anna Kendrick did seem out of place in that acapella group considering she was a college freshman who loved music and had no friends. I can’t see that type of person wanting to join a singing group. What a renegade!
How ‘bout the auditioning scene where she sat Indian style and played the cup? Ugh. I get it, she’s supposed to be cool, she likes cups, but it would’ve been so much better if she played the spoons or just ate some cereal or something. Like, if she sang a song while eating cereal, and the cereal and milk just kept falling out of her mouth while she sang, but she kept shoveling more and more cereal in throughout, and then at the very end of the song (or the “crescendo” if you will) she took out a banana and peeled it slowly, revealing how firm and ripe it was, letting it graze over her lips, and then onto her chin, softly tapping it against tongue, and then draggggging it soffffttttttlllyyyyy down her chest, against her stomach, around her hips and thighs, mushing it against her shins as if she was shaving her legs, the banana falling apart onto her bare feet and then she coulda said, “That was a Shins song,” and then everyone woulda been like, “Oh yeah that was a Shins song. I love the Shins!” and then boom all-time classic scene in movie history.
Is that what auditions for acapella groups are really like? I don’t really care, I just figured I needed to ask you a question or something. I thought the fact that Anna’s roommate hated her was kinda funny. Did she and that dude end up fucking or what?
|The Shabbatones: ALL BLACK EERYTHANG.|
SARA CIRCS: I mean, your banana idea makes a lot of sense, a LOT of sense, but you know, 20/20 hindsight, am I right? Anyway, very little of this movie was accurate with regard to what college a cappella is really like, you know, like in the trenches. So no, the auditions aren't really like that (they are a great deal more humiliating), and the asses aren't as cute as that either, if I'm being honest. In addition, the hair, skin and breath aren't as good, and the desperation is a great, great deal more pungent. (Which might not have been a thing until just now, when I made it one.)
God I'm so bored of this, can we talk about something else? Also, I'm currently typing this out on an iPhone so let's start thinking about wrapping this up.
Oh, they didn't fuck, they just kissed. I mean, this movie was aimed at youngsters. It wouldn't have been appropes to portray a cappella in all its real raw reality. (In other words, they kissed, the movie ended, and then they presumably fucked immediately afterward. SHE WEARS EYELINER, DUDE. SHE IS NOT FUCKING AROUND.)
EVSTER: Dude, can you stop COMPLAINING FOR FIVE MINUTES OF YOUR STUPID LIFE and finish this post? How 'bout we do this for
Want more of Sara Circs? Me neither. But if you do, follow her on Twitter @SaraCircle or read these other jawns that we wrote togeth: The Great Gatsb, our Oscar Preview, and some Hollywood Scoop jawn. Or check out these ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE GIRAFFES. That's what I'm gonna do. Also that Doug E. Fresh interview above is INCREDIBLE.