Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Cries Like a Little Baby JK That Was Supes Sad I Woulda Cried Too!

I've never understood those pools!

No matter how lame a person is, or how ridiculous of a belly shirt they happen to be wearing, the sight of seeing a person getting their heart completely and totally obliterated on national TV is still REALLY REALLY SAD.

I feel like if ABC made Adolph Hitler the next Bach, and he spent the entire season killing Jews, invading Poland and canceling rose ceremonies, we'd still feel sorry for him when Eva Braun kicked him to the curb. 

EVA BRAUN:  I'm sorry, Mein F├╝hrer, it's just ---

ADOLPH:  It's just what? The slaughtering of six million? 

EVA BRAUN:  No, no, I was okay with that. Totally okay with that. 

ADOLPH:  The mustache, then? Is it the mustache?

EVA BRAUN:  No, I like the mustache. I do. It's strange, don't get me wrong, it's definitely strange, but I like it. It just kinda suits you, you know?

ADOLPH:  Then what, Eva? You sure it's not the six milly?

EVA BRAUN:  I mean, the six milly was a lot. That certainly was a lot. I don't know if you actually had to kill that many people. It probably would've been fine to stop at like 1 or 2 million, it's just -- thirty minutes of her telling him how great he is, rehashing every date they went on, assuring him that he's a wonderful person despite all the mass slaughterings and European bombings and the world war that he started -- I'm not feeling those feelings of love, you know? That certain something that you can't explain? Do you know what I mean though? Do you know what I mean?

ADOLPH:  Uggghghhghhhghhhh.

Hitler's shoulders slump. He leans over and puts his head in his hands, takes off his little hat and crumples it in his hands. He softly weeps, as an entire nation of viewers weeps with him. 

Eva Braun knows how to ride side saddle!

And I'm not comparing Des to Hitler, I'm really not. I like Des a little bit more than Hitler -- granted, he was a much better public speaker, and took a lot more risks from a fashion sense (what with those boots and the parted hair style and the armbands and all), whereas Des wore that hideous open frayed tank top sweater with a bikini last night I mean what was she thinkin'? -- it's just that this show does an unbelievable job every season of getting us viewers to a point where we are engaged and invested and super-dooper-sad! 

I guess if there's a villain here, it'd have to be Brooks, but he didn't really do anything wrong, did he? Yeah, his breakup speech could've been shorter and more to the point, but he's an idiot, we knew that going in. And his intentions weren't to hurt Des, they were simply to break up with her on national television so that he could go home and date other women and potentially find someone better than her. 

So now we're left with two dudes who are absolutely head over heels in love with the same woman, and one lady who is currently going through a colossal mental breakdown in front of 20 million viewers. 

She can't pick Drew. He cheated during the limbo competition at last night's Caribbean festival. Either that or he has no idea how to do the limbo. And normally, I'm totally fine with cheating -- in fact, I respect cheaters more than rule-followers -- but dude, you're in a foreign country, don't disrespect thousands of years of culture just so you can advance to the next round. And quite frankly, Drew is BORRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGGG. When they first sat down in the fantasy suite, Des said to Drew, "I'm really happy to have you here," and he responded with, "I'm really happy to be here," which is code for "Please rip my clothes off," and "I have no idea how to put a move on a woman." Ughghghghhh, the thing is, I think they still had sex -- lame, stupid, boring sex without any hair-pulling or spanking -- but Drew has no chance with this woman because she is BROKEN. 

Sads!

Then there's Chris, who has turned into an absolute embarrassment -- like a teenager who ditches his friends all summer to hang out with his dumb girlfriend. This guy is out there somewhere in Seattle watching himself on this show and wondering how he became such a pathetic sap. During a toast last night, Des said, "Let's toast to Antigua and spending time together and blah blah blah," and Chris responded by clanking glasses and saying, "Yeah, toast."

Toast?

You're supposed to say "Cheers," dude! I guess you could argue that it's kinda cute that he gets so tongue tied and I do respect his chest hair, but those poems and the boat shoes and the mortgage brokering and yeah he seems to be a really good natural athlete, but he's got no shot because I'll say it again, this woman is BROKEN

So will Brooks come back? My wife thinks yes, but she also had a few brewskis last night and as of 7:50 this morning was still snoring like a rhinoceros, so I'm gonna have to disagree with her drunk ass. Frankly, I think Des will tell the other fellas that she's too devastated about this whole Brooks thing, that they're such great guys and ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE THEM, and in a different situation, away from this show, she would love to date them and see if it could work, but at this mome she's just not in the right place to continue this journey and omg this was the most serious paragraph in TVMWW history! But that's what this show does to you! It sucks you in! I'm so sucked in! I have a blog! 

I don't think there's really any reason to watch next week -- in fact, I already told my wife I'm not gonna -- omg JK I'm totally gonna! But this season has been a major disappointment. Yeah, there were some unbelievable momes: The dude who's mother was a drug addict falling in love with Des despite never actually going out with her, Michael sucking his own butt for two straight months, THE MAGICIAN WITH HIS FRESH DUDS AND HOT TRICKS, but I'm giving this seez a disappointing D+. Last night's episode featured an all-time mome, but it wasn't enough to carry the seez.

OMG who cares I can't believe you watch this shit.

JK I FUCKING LOVE ITTTTTTTTT!!!





Last week I forgot to link to a 700 Level post I wrote about Ryan Braun disgracing the Jewish community, you can read that jawn here. It's honestly worth reading for the comments section alone. So many people read that website and take sports SO SERIOUSLY. Or if you don't want to read that, here's a picture of Anthony Mason's awesome head




Twitterrrrrrrr: @TVMWW

Bachcap® with Zoo With Roy: Brooks Lays Down Tha Hamma

Smooth legs, tho. 

TVMWMWMWMWMW's official Bachelorette recap will come later today -- I PROMISE -- but for now, check out the collabo I wrote with Zoo With Roy Rogers here.

We wrote it at 12:30am so it's a bit all over the place but whooooooooo careeeeeessssszzzzzzzzzzz???

Monday, July 29, 2013

The Bachelorette: Two-Part Finale Preview

That picnic basket is SO CLOSE to falling off that cliff. 

Based on the "scenes from the next", the two-part Bach finale is gonna be bonk-buh-bonk-buh-bonk-bonk-biggity-biggity-bonk-bonk-bonkers. It looks as if Des wants to pick Brooks, but he can't commit for some reason, so then Chris writes a shitty poem and Drew bangs a dude and everyone has a meltdown and there's tears everywhere and oh baby it's gonna be amazingggggggngngnggg!

However, the Bach producers have been known to throw a Law & Order-like twist at us from time to time, so really, your guess is as good as mine. Although to be honest, I'm the internet celebrity with the world famous television blog who freelances for not one, but two super-popular Philadelphia sports websites, so my guess is probably better than yours.

So here's what I think ends up happening:

Thursday, July 25, 2013

#NeverForget


Fresh duds.

Hot tricks.

Pitch Perfect: Sara Circs and I Discuss da Movie, A Capella and Anna Whatshername

Alliteration!

Full disclosure: my wife did not force me to watch Pitch Perfect. I watched it all by myself on a rainy Friday afternoon after my friend Hart (who has tattoos!) recommended it. Hart said he “laughed out loud a lot," and "it didn't suck nearly as hard as it should've sucked." Hart also once fell off a stage while dancing at a bar and tore his ACL. Also, TVMWW’s Hollywood Correspondent in Charge of Tacos, Sara Circs, live-tweeted Pitch Perfs the day before, so I figured it’d be good fodder for the blorg. Was it? I have no idea, but I do know that you are now here, about to read a collaborashe between me and Sara Circs, because you are pathetic.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Podcasts My Wife's Husband Listens To: Topics with Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter

It's called Topics. 

At this point, there is really no reason for this blorg to be called TV My Wife Watches. This is simply an outlet for me to write about whatever I want, and for people not to read it, and then for me to kill myself after leaving a long, cryptic (but absolutely HILARRRRIOUUUSSSSS) suicide note on the blog.

The thing is, it's not like my wife and I aren't watching TV together -- we are! Just last night we watched a little of that nature show Wild Russia (where I saw a tiger rip an antelope's face off and there was blood everywhere good god there was blood everywhere) and yet here I am, telling you about a really stupid podcast that I absolutely love and that my wife refuses to listen to.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Bachcap®: The Men Tell All with Zoo With R'all

No Magician last night?
Unacceptable!

Yo yo ma, Zoo With Roy and I wrote a whopper Bachcap® this week over at his bolg. Check it out here.

Or just look at this bun I saw yesterday. He's a nice bun.

That's a nice bun.

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Evster's Guide to an Enjoyable Mini Golf Experience (for da 700 Level)

This is the most boring mini golf hole ever.
Just flowers and rocks! Unacceptable!

Read that jawn here!

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Wednesday's Wifey: Lesly Brown Sajak

Why are there so many words on that cover?
There's like an entire paragraph. 

Back in 1990, a little fella who goes by the name of PAT SA-SA-SA-$AJAK tied the knot with a 24-yr-old Playboy Playmate, and had their marriage featured as the cover story for a little publication called PEOPLE FUCKING MAGAZINE.

ONLY THE MOST WIDELY-READ PUBLICATION IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD FOR PATIENTS WAITING TO HAVE THEIR WISDOM TEETH RIPPED OUT OF THEIR GUMS.

And while this may be news to you -- that Paj $aje was, and is, a big enough star to grace the cover PEOPLE FUCKING MAGAZINE -- it's not to me. This guy is a pimp and always has been. So in honor of Pat celebrating his 23rd wedding anniversary, and the fact that I just made a dentist appointment, let's get to know this Wednesday's Wifey, Lesly "No I Don't Need No Goddamn E in My First Name" Brown Sajak.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Bachelorette: I Refuse to Call Hometown Dates "Hometowns"

That nip is just staring at ya, isn't it?

There's so much about this show I don't understand -- the V necks, the hand holding, Chris Harrison feeling the need to describe how a 2-on-1 date works before every 2-on-1 date, the candles, so many candles, the use of the word "vulnerable", the lack of chest hair -- but the thing that confuses me the most is how excited these dudes get to introduce the bachelorette to their families.

How is this a good thing?

Friday, July 12, 2013

700 Level Jawn: Repairing the Images of Andrew Bynum, Eric Lindros, Scott Rolen and Donovan McNabberstein

Nice subway glass back there.

Read that jawn here!

Also, the weef and I might watch Pitch Perfect this weekend, so expect a blogpost about that movie soon/never.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Check Out These Mofos Joining the #Whooo #Caresszzzz Revolution

Quick shout-out to a couple homies doing BIG THANGS on da internet -- spreadin' TVMWW's copyrighted catch phrase "Whoooooooo careeeeesssszzzzzzz???©" all around da world.

This dude @HummerX has it as his Twitter bio:



Superfan @Kunk7 has da baddest Twitter profile pic this side of Bazooka Mom:



And my main man Enrico from Da 700 Lev put up this poll last week about Donovan McNabb puking in the Super Bowl:



Obviously this is all just an attempt to distract you from the fact that I didn't write a Bachcap® this week, while building my brand despite the fact that I never provide any rich content on this total shit box of a blog.

Sharknado's on tonight tho!

So there's that!

Also if there are any lawyers out there who can tell me if these dudes owe me money for using my catchphrase without permission, please contact me.

I WILL SUE EVERYONE.

C.R.E.A.M / TVMWW.R.E.A.M!


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Happy Anniversary to my Incredibly Patient and Voluptuous Wife

This is a really nice bun. 

My wife and I have a rule: anytime one of us sees a bun, we are required to file a Bun Report. This consists of calling the other person and describing the bun we just saw. For example: big bun, little bun, brown bun, BABY BUN. (Hint: all buns in our neighborhood are brown buns, but filing the color of the bun in still required in all official Bun Reports.)

WHAT'S THE POINT, EV?

The point is that most human beings would probably find filing Bun Reports to be annoying and silly and DUMB, but not me, and not my wife. I mean, how lucky am I to have found a real, live, human woman -- with all four limbs and a big ol' booty -- who also genuinely appreciates filing (and receiving) Bun Reports?

So Happy Bunniversary to my little brown bun!

And now for the musical stylings of Steve Martin and Bunnadette Peters.




Monday, July 8, 2013

TV Pilot Script: Beige Man


Look, I love writing this blogblog. I really do. TVMWW brings in loads of hot wet cash and gives me the opportunity to spend quality time with my wife. But it's not my passion. It's more just a way to pay the bills. My true dream in life is to not write about television, but for television, which is why I've been working on this pilot script for the past eight or so years.

So here it is: Beige Man.


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Bachelorette: How to Fix the Most Busted Show on Television

Honestly James's cheeks look really smooth there.

ME:  I might have to officially put this show on probation.

MY WIFE:  What does that mean?

ME:  I don't know.

I have no idea what to think these days. The reality television show that has buttered my bread for the last three years has gone completely off the deep end. Men wearing colored hoodies are arguing with other men wearing the same hoodies JUST IN DIFFERENT COLORS over a woman they barely know. Chris Harrison is flouncing around Spain like a chocolate sprout (no idea what that means). Juan Pablo is crying. Des and one of the dudes keep sharing poems with each other. THEY KEEP SHARING POEMS WITH EACH OTHER. How much longer can we continue to watch this broken social experiment??? This show needs to be fixed or I might be forced to watch something else on Monday nights, or possibly, hold your breath now, give up this blog.

PLEASE STOP CLAPPING.