Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Bachelorette: Just Week 2. We're Only at Week 2. We are Only, Only, Only at Week 2.

My television exploded during this segment. 

In our silverware drawer, we have one stainless steel grapefruit spoon. I have no idea how it got there, we didn't register for it, it just sort of appeared one day. I think maybe my mother-in-law left it at our house after visiting, but that's not the point, the point is that with its jagged edges and concave scooper, it is the absolute perfect instrument for eating grapefruits. Bravo to the inventor of the grapefruit spoon. You should seriously be proud of yourself. You have made grapefruit-eating much easier and enjoyable for people all over the world. You also happened to create the ideal device for gouging out one's eyeballs.

For almost three years, I have defended this goddamn show to anyone and everyone -- It's hilarious! So many deep Vs! Sometimes they show a horse! -- but this could be the season that breaks me. Des is a total snooze (nice midriff tho), the dudes are lame as shit (obvs) and last night's episode featured a dozen white people filming a rap video called, "RIGHT REASONS."


Full disclosure: I missed almost the entire rap video segment because I was in the bathroom taking a smash. I did however leave the door open so I could hear what was going on. And it was still, without seeing any of their facial expressions or hand gestures, the most embarrassing scene in the history of this franchise. It was also possibly the best 15 minutes of my day. I was totally there for the right reasons.

That's actually pretty nice photography. 

The dudes are the worst -- that's nothing new -- but Des is not helping. I know, I know, she's got a tight little bod and has already tongued three guys, but she has also cried in each of the first two eps and has said some really lame-ass shit. During her date with Brooks (WHO HAPPENS TO WEAR A RING ON HIS FINGER, LIKE AN ACTUAL RING, A CLASS RING, OR A SUPER BOWL RING, SOME KIND OF RING), Des said, "My family, and everything that happened to me growing up, has made me who I am." Really profound, Des. Are you sure it wasn't the oatmeal that you ate last week that has shaped your life? 'Cause that's what made me who I am. I thought all along it was my parents and upbringing and genetics, but no, it was actually my oatmeal addiction. Totally changed the way I look at the world. We should all be as versatile and soft like oatmeal. We should all have the ability to warm up and blend together with others. Life should be healthy and delicious. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this. No clue. More full disclosure: I'm not sure even sure if that's what Des actually said, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I don't even like oatmeal. Not anymore, anyway. I'm so over it. Every morning? Either that or a banana? There's gotta be some more options out there for an adult's breakfast. And don't tell me Greek yogurt, I've had enough goddamn Greek yoges. I'm back to regular yoges. I'm back to regular yoges!

Also, why would a grown man -- who is not married -- wear a ring? Is that worse than wearing a cellphone belt clip? It might be worse than wearing a cellphone belt clip. It's not. It's totally not, but it's still reprehensible, and I sorta think that Bryden might wear a cellphone belt clip when he's not on the show. The light-skinned black dude who did yoga definitely does. God he was such a goober. How could the one black guy on the show be the biggest goober of them all?

Now that the black yoga dude is gone, let's check in with TVMWWWMWMWMW's Goober Expert, Gary the Goober, to see how he ranks the remaining goobers.

"I put the "über" in goober! lol!"

GARY THE GOOBER: Thanks, Evster! Lol! Checking in at #3 on Gary's Goober Chart -- it's named after me! lol again! -- is the guy with the weird lips. You know who I'm talking about! No idea what his name is, maybe it's Louis Lipps?!?! lol lol jk jk that's not his name lol lol his name is Brian. Brian Fuck.

If Brian makes it to next week, I will suck my own butt. 

GARY THE GOOBER: Our #2 goober this week is Mikey the plumber. Hey Mikey, talk a lot much?!?! lol lol jk jk I love when you talk, talking shows confidence and chicks love confidence. Confidence to suck your own dick! lol lol oh I love blogging lol lol.

This is a real person. 

GARY THE GOOBER: And our #1 goober this week on Gary's Goober Chart is Michael the diabetic from Florida. Type 1 Diabetes? More like Type 1 butt! lol lol no seriously this guy needs to calm the eff down.

Cuff links. 

Thanks, Gary the Goober. We'll check back in with you again in a few weeks / never.

Oh, also, the Hashtag Guy already won the all-time biggest goober award so he's not even allowed in the competition. He won that shit for life. No one can compete with him. No one.

Bryden could very well have made it into the top three Goobs too, except for the fact that he's somewhat likable considering he fought in Iraq and almost died in a goddamn tractor trailer accident. But why the hell does he carry around those pictures with him? That was weird, right?

BRYDEN:  Hey Des, I almost died once, would you like to see pictures?

DES:  Uhh, what? Sure, I guess.

BRYDEN:  Here I am with my nose blown off.

DES:  Wow, that is, whoa. That's your nose hanging off, huh?

BRYDEN:  Here's my mother wiping blood off my ear. It bled for almost six weeks.

DES:  That's nice, that's really sweet of her, she must love you ver ...

BRYDEN:  I also have pictures of when I went to the grocery store last week. Wanna see them?

DES:  Yes! Please! Show them to me! Anything but these. Good god, anything but these.

BRYDEN:  Here's some Cheez-Its. They were two-for-one. I got white cheddar and regular.

DES:  Love white cheddar. Great for road trips. This is a fun date.

BRYDEN:  This is my friend, Gary, bumped into him in the cheese aisle. He was getting this weird, French cheese that I never heard of.

DES:  Okay, that's brie. That's a totally normal cheese. And these are actually very interesting pictures. You're retarded, right?

This is something. 

Honestly, the only thing that happened last night that I truly enjoyed watching, was at the rose ceremony when Des gave a rose to a guy named Brad. But when she called his name, my brother-in-law thought she said, "Crab," so we laughed at fact that it would be funny if there was a guy named Crab, and when his name was called he would put his legs back and over his head and crab walk over to Des. Then when Des would call the next guy's name and ask, "Would you accept this rose?" the dude would just be like, "No, I'm sorry. That Crab dude is unbelievable. You should marry him," and then just walk by her and turn around to the dudes like, "All right, fellas! See ya, Crab. Love that crab walk. Truly sensational. Never seen anyone do that. Much respect, bro. I'm out." and then walk into a wall.


Tiger style. 

Good night. 

Anddddd, double good night. 

Hey sprorts fans, I'm sorry, I truly am, but I found the absolute best tumblr site ever. It's called The Grand Archives and it's just sports pics from over the years -- some famous, some dumb -- and it's friggin' amazing. I haven't been able to stop looking at it since I found it last week. If you click that link, I guarantee you will be sucked into an internet vortex for the next 72 hours. My wife got legitimately angry at me on Sunday morning because I wasn't listening to a word she said and was just focused on picture after picture of Sedale Threatt. It's honestly the greatest. Have a blessed day. I love you all. Not you, though, Rawhouser. You're still banned.

Twitta: @TVMWW


  1. Maybe the producers of this dumb show would keep your attention if they incorporated some of the Red Wedding thematics into the rose ceremony. Would anyone have been upset if Will got got? Prolly not, but SURPRISE! George R.R.R.R.R. Martin hates you and kills off Bryden!

    Also, I have never not once ever used the word vulnerable in a sentence. If it weren't for this dumb show, I wouldn't know it even existed.

    1. Also, here's the rap video. Did they air it last night at some point?

    2. Just want to reply to Kunk so he doesn't have to continue replying to himself. Hashtag banned4lyf hashtag SMB

    3. I am ready for someone to either die or perform over the blanket cunnilingus on this show.

  2. evster, you can't give up on this show. Sure dez is lame, but she does have a hot bod so relish in that. Plus she says "amazing" a lot. I mean A LOT. My wifey and I were talking about counting the number of "amazing"s during the show, but that might have to wait for next week. Also, what is great so far this year is how most of the guys are pussies. "waaa, you interrupted my privey time, you're a meanie! Hey, hold my drink while I go shave Chris harrisons balls". Seriously, it will get better. Things to think about:
    -does dez still have her baby teeth?
    -And what about her family? Are her parents midget retards, or just trolls?
    -let's not forget her brother, and the awesomeness he will bring to the show at some point. Personally i think he should live in the house with the guys, and hide behind the couch until some guy says something like "dez has an amazing ass, can't wait to lick it", at which point bro leaps up and attacks.
    Anyway, just stick with it!!!