Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Bachelorette: Fight Night with Brian and his Ex-Girlfriend

For the record, this lady has TONS of super hot pics online. 

INT. BOXING ARENA -- NIGHT

JIM LAMPLEY and LENNOX LEWIS stand ringside wearing tuxedos and headsets while fans file out of an emptying arena behind them. LAMPLEY'S hair looks impeccable as he stares into the camera with LEWIS beside him, shaking his head. A defeated, pummeled financial advisor, BRIAN, stands to Lewis's left.

JIM LAMPLEY: On a night when we were promised fireworks, we were given an explosion! as the challenger, Brian, with his weird lips and uneven eyebrows, got knocked off this show by a young up-and-coming crazy person wearing a blazer. Brian never really stood a chance. From the second his lunatic ex-girlfriend walked into that Bachelorette mansion tonight, it was clear he was fighting an unwinnable war. Let's take a look back at the introductions.


The ex-girlfriend came in confident, Lennox, walking into the mansion with outstanding posture, like a young North Korean soldier.

LENNOX LEWIS: Look at the way she extended her hand to Des for a perfectly respectable and reasonable handshake. But Des wasn't having any of that professional introduction stuff, Jim, so she knocked her hand away and went in for a Grandma-style "C'mere Gurl We Ladies Need to Stick Together" hug.

JIM LAMPLEY: Brian, what were you thinking here?

BRIAN: I mean, what the freak? Going in for the hug you've never even met each other? You gotta be kidding me. I knew at that moment that I was in for a battle.

LENNOX LEWIS: More like a bloodbath.

JIM LAMPLEY: The pain started early as Brian's ex connected on a few devastating haymakers right at the opening bell, accusing Brian of embarrassing her family and not caring about her young son.

BRIAN: Well, as you see here, I'm trying to just take her daggers and regain my composure. She really hit me with some big shots early, and I needed to just gather myself, regain my legs, and plan my counter attack.

LENNOX LEWIS: Had to have been something you worked on in camp, no?

BRIAN: Oh definitely, definitely. I knew what she was capable of and I knew this moment was coming. I had a plan, I just had to sit back and wait for my time.

JIM LAMPLEY: Did you expect the onslaught with Des? She fired in there with a continuing barrage of "Are you here for the right reasons?" Had to know that was coming.

BRIAN: I did and I didn't, Jim. I mean, yes, I knew she would question my intentions -- and my intentions were good, I still maintain that I signed up for this not for the money, but for the love -- but I thought she'd just come in with more of an open mind.

LENNOX LEWIS: More like an open twat.

JIM LAMPLEY: Lennox! The more your ex-girlfriend fired wild shots, Brian, the more she started to make less and less sense. She started to ramble and quite honestly I couldn't really follow what was going on. Looked like she was starting to tire.

BRIAN: That was my plan, Jim! That was my plan. Let her get off a few flurries early, allow her to speak nonsensically, and then Des and Harrison would see that we were dealing with a crazy person, and I could make it clear that I was in fact here for the right reasons.

JIM LAMPLEY: The rocky road you're talking about.

BRIAN: Obviously! I wanted Des and Harrison to see firsthand that she was in fact a lunatic. Then they could maybe understand why I needed to get away. Like I said on the show, I was involved in a very rocky and toxic relationship.

JIM LAMPLEY: She muttered something about throwing rocks at you once?

LENNOX LEWIS: No idea what she was talking about there.

BRIAN: Exactly! Gotta figure Harrison is gonna step in there and ask her to elaborate!! That was a major mome in our relationship! She threw rocks at me, Jim! SHE THREW ROCKS AT ME! But Harrison just ignored that statement, let us keep fighting, and the rest as they say is history.

JIM LAMPLEY: No one says that.

LENNOX LEWIS: Absolutely no one says that.

JIM LAMPLEY: That's a phrase that pretty much no sports commentators ever say.

LENNOX LEWIS: Not these days anyway. Maybe in the 50's.

JIM LAMPLEY: Oh yeah sure, in the 50's they said that kinda stuff all the time. But not now. That's all I 'm saying.

LENNOX LEWIS: No, not now. That'd be ridiculous.

JIM LAMPLEY: Absolutely ridiculous.

LENNOX LEWIS: We don't say that kinda stuff. We're professionals.

JIM LAMPLEY: Wellllll ...

LENNOX LEWIS: Well, Jim's a professional. I'm still learning.

JIM LAMPLEY: Thank you.

This is Jim and Lennox for any of you who have read this far
and had no idea what was going on. 

BRIAN: Regardless, I just feel like Harrison really had a golden opportunity to help me out there -- to at least make it an even playing field -- but this business is crooked, Jim. You know that as well as anyone. You know that as well as anyone!

JIM LAMPLEY: Harrison did seem to immediately side with Des and the ex from the start, Lennox.

LENNOX LEWIS: He also seemed to suck his own butt for a great deal of that episode.

JIM LAMPLEY: Still though, Brian, just when it seemed like maybe you had a puncher's chance, she hit you with the knockout blow -- that you did in fact boink her two days before the show.

BRIAN: I can't argue that, Jim. I can't and I won't. I'm a weak man, and when a woman offers me sex, even the craziest, rock-throwing, nosejob-having single mom, I'm going to take it.

LENNOX LEWIS: I hear that.

JIM LAMPLEY: Well, Des was not hearing that, even though she then proceeded to jam her tongue down the throats of around 13 other men.

LENNOX LEWIS: Juan Pablo seems to know his way around a woman's vagina, Jim.

JIM LAMPLEY: He's the top-ranked contender for a reason. The right reasons. And as we head into week 4, the Latin Assassin continues to prove that his Venezuelan charm is undeniable.

LENNOX LEWIS: I really want to see him have sex with Des.

JIM LAMPLEY: We all do, Lennox. We all do.

BRIAN: Hey guys, can I just say one more thing?

JIM LAMPLEY: No.







This month marks the 45th anniversary of Johnny Cash's Live at Folsom Prison album, so here is a link to a great podcast, Sound Opinions, that breaks down the performance. The hosts tell stories about how Cash had been shopping the prison idea to his label for years, but no one thought it would work. Honestly, I can't imagine that any of you care, but this is my blog and I'll post what I want to! Also, here's a turtle!


8 comments:

  1. Just like The Evster to make up more baseless claims. I think we should take crazy rock-throwers advice:

    She's kind of a big deal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YO, SHE'S A FORMER PLAYBOY BUN!!!

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  3. please do'nt bring that son of a bitch up on this site again.

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