Appraisal on Antiques Roadshow: $0.07
Look, I hate Facebook as much as you do, but yesterday a dumb friend of mine posted a thing on her wall entitled “The Top Ten Facts About Me” that was almost interesting.
I mean, it wasn't really interesting, it wasn't even close to interesting, in fact it was one of the dumbest things I've ever read, but it was also sorta nice. She shared feelings about her dead cat, the fact that she has a birthmark on her elbow in the shape of Idaho, and some other lame-ass-shit that no one could possibly care about. I honestly didn’t read the whole thing and I made up the part about Idaho. It doesn’t matter. I think I’m ready to block her.
Butttttttttttttt, I did kinda like the idea. Sharing the Top Ten Facts About TVMWMWMWM – a chance to give my readers (all 14 of them!) an inside peak into the internet's shittiest blog.
So here we go!
1. The most popular #GoogSearch that has led people to TVMWMWMWWM is “Coco,” as in Ice T’s wife, Coco. She has been responsible for over 75,000 pageviews. Second is Ronnie from Jersey Shore (21,000). Dead last is “Ex-girlfriend wearing socks” which someone searched for earlier this week.
2. Contrary to popular belief, I have never actually fucked a dog.
3. I got the idear for this blorg one night at my friend Rev’s BBQ, after talking to another couple at length about Jake Pavelka’s dumb face. The four of us broke down the Bach, the ridiculousness of the show, and when my wife and her friend left to get a drink, me and the other dude continued talking for the rest of the night. Eventually, some other fellas joined us to discuss the Real Housewives of New Jerz and Say Yes to the Dress. It was then that I realized I was going to be a fucking millionaire.
4. Every time I see a dog, I think about fucking it. That doesn’t mean I try to fuck the dog – that’d be ridiculous – but I do envision myself fucking that dog, every time.
5. The other day a dog came up to me and I was like, “Dude, you tryna fuck?” and he obvs didn’t answer becuz he’s a dog, but still.
6. On Monday night, I posted a 7-second video of Roy Hibbert chugging a Gatorade on YouTube. It now has over 12,000 views. A Game of Frones post that I wrote on Wednesday morning about one of the most bonkers episodes in the history of television has 82 views. I hate this blog and I hate all of you.
7. If I were to fuck a dog (and when I say “a dog” I mean “seven dogs”) I’d hope that they were all friends so everything would be coolio.
8. A lot of people ask me, “Ev, don’t you feel weird wanting to fuck dogs?” and I’m always like, “Dude, I don’t want to fuck dogs, I just think about fucking dogs.” There’s a big difference. Just ‘cuz I love dogs, doesn’t mean I’m trying to fuck them, even though I do think about fucking them a great deal.
9. The top five dogs to fuck are obviously the German Shep, a Golden Retrieve, the Louisiana Fuck, an English Mastbutt and the French Fuck.
10. I’m so lonely.