Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Wednesday's Wifey: Carey Mulligan from The Great Gatz

Those totally aren't her real shoulders. 

Earlier this week, TVMWMWMWMWWWWM's Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circlenberg, joined me to discuss The Great Gatz. During our highly entertaining and engaging back and frorf, Sara mentioned something about Carey Mulligan (who plays Daisy in the film). What she mentioned? I have no idea. I skimmed pretty much every one of her sections, but it's what she didn't mention that's got me in a tizzy! (Gatsby term.)

You see, after googling Carey Mulligan this morning, I learned that the Hollywood princess is married to Marvin Mumford from Mumford and Sons!!! 

OMGGGGGGG I KNOWWWWWWWW!!!

If you're TVMWMWMWMWMW's Hollywood Correspondent, pretty much your only job is to tell us stuff like this!!! I mean, really, what else is there for you to do?!?! I'm not even quite sure if this is interesting information, but it is still information that MUST be shared! So as I sit here contemplating whether or not to ban Sara Circs from this here blog (RIP Rawhouser), I guess I'll just have to do some sleuthing on Carey Mulligan all by myself!


Yo, if you google Carey Mulligan and Marvin Mumfs, you will find a million stupid pictures of them walking down the stupid street. They friggin' love it, with the hand-holding, and the smiling, and the lack of undershirts. Ugh, it makes me sick. Look at the dude in the background sitting on the stoop. He agrees with me, like, "THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT EXPENSIVE, DUDE. YOU CAN GET LIKE A 5-PACK OF HANES JAWNS FOR ONLY 8 DOLLARS. FRUIT OF THE LOOMS ARE EVEN CHEAPER." 

Poor stoop-sitting guy, maybe if you practiced the ukulele a little more instead of sitting on stoops judging people you could marry a Hollywood starlet, too. (Gatsby term.) Is that even a stoop? He might just be sitting on a rock. That's ridiculous, there are no rocks in New York City. Maybe they're in Boulder? Honestly holding hands in public is disgusting. 




Ohhhh, it's not all lovey-duvey when the sun goes down, is it guys??? (No idea what that means, also it looks like the sun is totally shining.) Still, Carey Mulls looks like she's upset about something. I'm guessing Marvin refused to carry her clutch. That's a clutch, right? I think that's called a clutch. If my Hollywood Correspondent was here, she could tell me what's a clutch and what's not a clutch, but no! She only does the bare minimum! I'm sure I could ask my wife, too, but she hasn't responded to any of my emails since last September.   



Okay, the internet claims that this is Carey and Marvin, but that doesn't look anything like Marvin. Who is that guy?!?! Is Carey cheating on her huzz??? WHERE THE HELL IS MY HOLLYWOOD CORRESPONDENT WHEN I NEED HER??? Honestly, doesn't matter, 'cuz the real star of this picture is the dude in the foreground with that giant walrus mustache. Love that guy! He's so ready to get to wherever he's going. Probably owns a million undershirts, too. Also, why is Carey always carrying stuff?!?! You have a purse, lady! Use it! And the guy you're cheating on your husband with is carrying like three bags! Seriously, how much do you think Mustache Guy loves softball?



DID YOU KNOW that before Carey married Marvin the Mumf, she used to date Shia LaBorf?! It's true!! (AS CONFIRMED BY IMDB.COM, GOOGLE.COM, BUT NOT SARACIRCS.COM, NOOOOOOOOOOO, NEVER SARACIRCS.COM). The former couple sure looks like they were in love, but my oh my does Shia LaBorf have the smallest feet ever??? How does he stand up on those things?!?!? NICE BACKPACK THO. 



Oh my God you're in public and people can see you! Ughhghhh, I'm gonna barf. And what's up with Shia dressing like a homeless person?

Gotta hand it to Carey here, though, kissing with her eyes open. That's a veteran move. I do that too. It's much more erotic allows you to see your partner's tongue flicking yours. Not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but I am a CERTIFIED SEXUAL ASSASSIN. 



YO HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A WOMAN MORE INTO HAVING HER NOSE KISSED?

KINDA DISGUSTING / KINDA HOT / MORE OFTEN THAT NOT DISGUSTING = HOT. 




Of course, it didn't work out for Carey and Shia because LaBorf was in fact homeless at the time they were dating. Here he is trying to explain to her that they can get at least 4 dollars for this "awesome volcano kit." Honestly, I feel like he could get much more. I've also never seen a dirtier more sloppily dressed human being in my entire life. And that includes my Uncle Reggie who once showed up to our Passover Seder wearing a bathing suit. 



And now of course Carey is starring in The Great Gatz with Hollywood's ultimate hearthrob, Leonardo DiGatsbio (© SaraCircs). Great move by Leo here to put his hand firmly on Carey's throat. Super hot. Not that volcano kits and nose kisses aren't also hot, but there's really nothing hotter than a good ole fashioned choke sesh. 



Ohhhh, another great move by Leo! The San Antonio Sniff-Job! Break a lady down emotionally, pull her into your chest and let her smell your pheromones. Very primal. Very real. Very San Antonio. 



How does this guy not have one goddamn mole on his back?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! I kinda feel like I could've been a Hollywood stud had I not been born with gigantic hairy mounds of cancer sprouting out of my entire body.  

THIS WORLD IS NOT FAIR. 

I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH AND AM VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND HER. 

I ALSO LIKE PRETTY MUCH EVERY MUMFORD AND SONS SONG THAT I'VE HEARD. I'VE ONLY HEARD LIKE THREE OF THEIR SONGS, THO. THREE FOR THREE, BABY.





If you haven't read the Gatsby jawn by me and Sara Circs yes, you can read it here. Or you can read something else somewhere else. I really don't care. What you should do though is look at this friggin adorable picture of a lion petting an antelope

12 comments:

  1. Wednesday Wifey is for sers my favourite TVTVTVTVMWW bit. Probably b/c there's usually less reading and more pictures.

    Carey Mulls has a neck for days.

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    1. I much prefer Mariah Carey, Harry Caray and any and all women from the Caribbean.

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  2. Wait, am I unbanned or do I now have company? She did technically ban herself though. I couldn't resist a wernday wiffey (kinda like the ladies can resist evster's hairy moles)

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    1. Maybe you're just banned from mailborg posts? I'm not quite sure and I need all the readers I can get. Maybe I need to hire a Director of Banning.

      (I want to ban so many people.)

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  3. Replies
    1. I'll have a hamburger, no, a cheeseburger ...

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  4. SHE'S NO TURKISH PORN STAR

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  5. I Will Wait video - 9th row!!!! Not Kidding!!! --Neens

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    Replies
    1. I SORT OF HATE MUMFORD AND SONS

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