Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Movie: The Evster and Sara Circs Break Down The Great Gatsby

In this scene Leo bit her nose off and it was HAWT. 

Just the $51 milly at the box office this weekend for the Great Gatz.

#JustThe51

That’s cool though, my wife and I were happy to pay $12 a ticket, because earlier in the day I found Tropicana OJ on sale for only $2.50. I bought 37 cartons. Ugh, that’s not even true. The juice was $2.99, I just wanted to make myself sound cool with the whole $2.50 thing. No one sells Tropicans for $2.50 these days. It’s so sad. I can’t get good orange juice for under three bucks, and I can’t afford going to the movies without smuggling in my own popcorn. It’s also really hard to wheel in one of these bad boys underneath your shirt without looking suspicious.

Only $699 in Sky Mall!

Actually, now that I think about it, $3 is pretty reasonable for 64 ounces of pure premium orange juice. I mean, have you ever tried to squeeze your own? It takes SO LONG and hurts your wrist SO MUCH and omg WHOOO CARESSSSSS???? let’s just bring in TVMWW’s 2nd favourite Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs, to discuss the Great Gatz, reading books and why the hell she keeps coming back to write these things.

SARA CIRCS: Ugh, I hate you.

EVSTER: Thanks for being here! So Sara Circs, what are your thoughts on Leonardo DiCapps? He is -- and always has been -- my wife’s NUMERO UNO. She had pictures of Leo on her bedroom walls growing up, she thoroughly enjoyed Catch Me If You Can, and she once pushed me into a mailbox when we walked by him on the street. Personally, I think Leo’s a little bit of a tweedle (and mailboxes should have softer edges!), but thought he did a pretty decent job in this movie. I was also really surprised that he has chest hair.

SARA CIRCS: There was chest hair? Are you joking with me right now? I don’t remember any chest hair. My memory of Leonardo DiGatsbio (© saracircs) in that movie, which I saw fewer than three days ago, is nothing but an incredibly smooth, continuous blur of smoothness. Chest, face, hair, eyeballs, all so smooth, like a fresh, white, dead chicken.

Leo is undoubtedly supes cute but he was never one of my toppers. I was a big Kevin Arnold fan, was way into Aladdin, crushed pretty hard on Wayne Campbell. Hmm, what do these guys have in common? CHEST HAIR FOR DAYS.

That said, Mr. DiPlaxbio (© saracircs) was ridiculously attractive in this movie and that makes me think maybe there was some subliminal chest hair.

Def got a little sprout there. 

EVSTER: There was definitely some chest hair and I have no idea who Wayne Campbell is. Is that really a person? Are you sure you don’t mean Wayne Gretzky? aka The Great Waynesby? I’d ask you who Wayne Campbell is, but I obviously don’t care. Let’s just talk about the movie.

I liked it!

I saw it with my wife and her friend, and afterwards we all agreed to give it three stars. Then my wife asked, “Wait, this is out of five, right?” and I said, “No, it’s out of four,” and she was like, “No, it’s out of five,” which changed ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING including making me question how I could marry a woman who had so little understanding of the standard four-star rating system.

There was really no way this movie was going to be bad. It’s a good story (and yes I read the book, and no I didn’t really read the book, but I did listen to it on CD a few years ago (which totally counts), and granted I didn’t remember a lot of the book so the movie was SUPES SUSPENSEFUL). It’s that old Hollywood formula for success: good book + good popcorn = good bokchorn. Ugh, I’m sorry, I really am.

The director … I think his name is Buzz Lerman? … I’m gonna google that … Nope! It’s Baz Luhrmann! … That’s ridiculous ... I’m calling him Bob Lurbmans … is a really neat filmmaker. I like how Bob made everything look sort of fantastical (I think that’s a word) and comic book-like (no idea what I’m talking about here) while still staying true to Fitzgehrmann’s original story. The gaffers also did a really good job, as did the sound mixers. Geez, this movie critiquing stuff is really hard. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that this movie sure did have lots of pretty colors. I also liked the popcorn.

For the record, I have pretty much every Garfield book ever written on CD.

Oh, Garf. 

SARA CIRCS: SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. I BEG OF YOU.

I’m not sure if it’s against blog policy here, but I was gonna talk about the movie for a second. I liked the part with the tea and the flowers and Mr. Gatskee being nervous and awkward and fumbly (HOT) and pretty much any line uttered by Daisy (played by a lady named Carey Mulligan who, according to my mother and my husband, is, for all intents and purposes, the same person as Michelle Williams (who, according to michellewilliams.net, co-starred in the hit horror sequel Halloween H20 and is married to her Brokeback Mountain co-star Heath Ledger and maybe someone better check on the michellewilliams.net webmaster real quick, has anyone heard from him/her in awhile?)). Seriously, that lady says “Gatsby” so nicely it makes me wish my name was Gratsby and she was my personal slave. She also has a dimple and nice liquidy brown eyes that look like they’re crying all the time and I think I might want to kiss her/she bears a surprising resemblance to Kevin Arnold.

EVSTER: You’re doing a great job as TVMWWMWWWM’s Hollywood Correspondent. You really are. I don’t know who this Michelle Williams lady is, but now I totally wanna see her in some slave-porn. What else should we discuss? The ending? Can we talk about the ending? I mean, we can obvs talk about the ending because the original story came out around 20 years ago, and if someone hasn’t listened to the CD yet, they’re probably never gonna.

THE ENDING WAS SAD.

SARA CIRCS: Technically, the ending was only sad if you think it’s sad when sad things happen. I haven’t analyzed your readership demographics lately, Evster. Who knows what they’d think?

EVSTER: My readers like popcorn!

SARA CIRCS: As a final thought, I’d just like to point out that this movie depicted the book pretty differently from how Dr. Buster explained it in the 11th grade. Back then, it was a lot more about class differences and striving and tennis, and a lot less about sex and scarves and twirling around while scarves rained down on top of you. To quote the inside front cover of 16-year-old Adrian McAndrews’ copy of The Great Gatsby in 1995, “NOT ENOUGH SEX/SCARVES.” I guess what I’m saying is, thanks a whole lot, Dr. Buster. Thanks for nothing.

EVSTER: I don’t know how you paid attention to stuff in high school, because I spent pretty much every day in English class staring at Lisa D’Amico’s jean shorts. Well, not at her jean shorts, that woulda been dumb, but what was under her jean shorts. (She had robot legs. It was REALLY WEIRD.)

People sure do like to say mean things about movies, and critics are being really mean to The Great Gatsby -- Leonard Malts gave it only 2 and a half stars! I mean, yeah, the tickets were expensive, and it’s not the best movie, but it has pretty much everything you'd want in a picture: a captivating love story, good music, it’s nice to look at, it keeps your attention, cup holders, other things, golf, it didn’t have any bare butts in it though, did it? That’s unfortunate.

I stand by my rating: 3 butts.

How many butts do you give it, Sar?

SARA CIRCS: What a stupid question.

EVSTER: So how many? Five?

SARA CIRCS: Obvs.

This is a book. 






Yo, you can follow Sara Circs aka Bazooka Mom aka Wayne Gretzky Jr. on Twitter @SaraCircle. You can also follow me @TVMWW. Or you can check out Sara Circs' high school yearbook photo here. She was on the swim team!

5 comments:

  1. Feds and I both hate this. It was dumb. We hate you. And Fitzgerald. And Gatsby. But I am on board with the Leo love, however. the best part of the movie was when he held Daisy in his arms and said "They didn't flash the light, either-" a DIRECT quote from Gilbert Grape. Ok, maybe he just said the word "light." oh, fuck everyone. Go Bulls (kill me)

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    Replies
    1. "And Fitzgerald." So pretentious.

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    2. IVY DOT KHAN DOT BLOGSPOTS DOT KHAN

      Delete
  2. (Btw: kudos on that "swim team" photo. I laughed my balls off.)

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