Thursday, May 9, 2013

Mailborg: Answering Questions from the Dumbest Readers on the Internets

Looks absolutely nothing like my mailman.

Being a super sexy famous television blogger is a lot like being a rock star: stacks of hot wet cash, ladies constantly trying to jack your D, diseases, lots of diseases. But there's a downside, too. Like having to respond to your stupid readers. Ugh. And my readers are the friggin' stupidest. So every once in a while -- in between the D-jackin and the paper stackin' -- I have to take a moment and reply to all these dipshits. 

So here is the latest installment of the TVMWW Mailborg. A lotta questions this time (six!), so let's start jackin'.


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From: @Kunk7 (
This was actually a tweet.)

Do I really have to send you an email to submit a question for the blorgspot mohelbag?

Obviously you don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything. This is America, you can do whatever you want. I saw a guy this morning on the subway wearing a braided belt, AND NO ONE BATTED AN EYE. 

It's amazing that people actually care about rules. You think Don Draper cares about rules? C'mon. He only cares about one thing and one thing only: JACKIN' HIS D. Khaleesi? You think she gives a shit about the rules of war? The answer is NO AND OMG IT WASN'T EVEN A REAL QUESTION. All she wants to do is put together the illest army in the seven kingdoms, win back the throne, protect the realm, and JACK DUDES' Ds!

Think about it, all the dopest people on television do whatever they want. Si from Duck Dynasty, you can't tell that guy what to do, he doesn't listen to anyone. Pat Sajak? He'll ring that bell for the final puzzle whenever he wants. Then he'll just grab the wheel and spin it around and boom, before you know it, R S T L N E, three more letters and a vowel, category is "Thing", that doesn't help anybody, that's not even a category, time's ticking, eh eh, buzzer sounds, game over, no one wins, get over here Vanna, let's show the # of tonight's Spin ID winner, what the hell is a Spin ID #, no one knows, how do you even sign up for it, there are no rules on Wheel of Forch, other than Pat Saje is a bonafide poon hound. 

So the next time I have one of these stupid mailborg posts, I want all of you idiots to know that I will post any and all of your questions. I don't care if they're from Twitter, Foursqbook, brunch, whatever. Ask me a question, I'll post it. I'm telling you, I am very lonely. Very, VERY lonely.


Calm down, lady. It's only 19 hundj.

From: @meechone (This was also a tweet.)

I have a question for the morborg: WHO CAREEESSSSS???????


OMG WHO CAREEEESSSSSSSSSSS??????? A mailborg post? Why would I do this? Why would I think that anyone would give enough of a shit to write in and ask me questions. Ugh, like I'm some sort of TV expert? OMG TRICK QUESTION I AM AN EXPERT. And as you're reading this, I bet you're thinking, "OMG he totally is and I totally shoulda sent in a question! I'm so sad! I'm gonna go jack my D!"

Honestly though, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. That's essentially the main problem I have with my wife. She thinks things matter. I don't. I didn't take the trash out? ... LET'S GO BERZERKER ... The lawn needs to be mowed today or else? ... OR ELSE THE GRASS WILL KILL US ... Evan, do not put those firecrackers in your butt, you'll blow your butt off ... IT'S NOT EVEN A REAL BUTT.

I think "WHO CARESSSSSS????" will be the official TVMWW mantra for 2013. A nice change of pace considering 2012's mantra was "GET SERIOUS." But this is a new year, and a new era. Also, it's not even a new year. What are we in, May? Ugh, this year's pretty much over. And I've only gained like 15 Twitter followers. What the hell am I gonna do for New Year's? Prolly stay home and jack my D, just like every other year. It's gonna be great.


PROLLY THE BEST POST I EVER WROTE. 


From: @jackichace (Another stinkin' tweet. Is it that hard to email?)

My submish to @TVMWW 's mailbox of lameness: I forgot you existed for like 4 months. #onlygoforthebach


OMG RUDE!

Seriously, all you readers who only check in for the Bach -- GET OVER YOURSELVES -- this blogspot.com is filled with literally DOZENS of interesting pictures and A FEW decent captions. All the other words in between those pics, meh, but the photos! Oh, the photos!

Also, do you realize that the new Bachelorette seez starts on May 27th?!?! That's really, really, really soon. And remember, because Des is the new Bachelorette, we'll get to see her idiot brother again!!!

THAT GUY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING.

Hey Des's brother, you really shouldn't get those tattoos on your forearms cuz people will think you're a lowlife piece of shit. DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, PLAYBOY. I'M A RENEGADE!

May 27th! 

I don't know what I think of Des being the new Bachelorette. Part of me is like, ugh, another goddamn white woman, and another part of me is like, WHO CARESSSSSSSSSSSSS?????????, because it's the dudes that make this show. They're the ones who break out the guitars, and write poems, and GET MAD ABOUT STUFF, and rock V-necks, and jack their Ds, and WEAR SNEAKERS, and sign up for the wrong reasons, and SIT ON COUCHES WITH THEIR LEGS TAKING UP TOO MUCH ROOM, and kiss women on the hands when they meet them, and oh baby I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait!!!


Rockin da Abe Linc beard!

From: Neens
Subject: Reader question for blorgle

Hey Ev,
I have a question!!!!!! And here it is: Who would you choose: (three sentences, two colons!! (and parentheses and lots of exclamation points!!!!!!!))  George Clooney or Paul Krugman?

Finally an actual question! Although I have no idea what this lady is asking. Who would I choose for what? To have brunch with? I actually really like the vagueness of this question, and it's a tough call. Partially because I like George Clooney, but mostly because I have no idea who Paul Krugman is. Is he that NYT financial writer? I guess I could google him. I'm gonna google him. 

HE IS THAT NYT FINANCIAL WRITER!

Aw man, I'm definitely choosing George Cloons. Is it even a debate? Do people find Paul Krugs sexy? Was this question even about sex? How could a question like this not be about sex? WHY DOES ANYONE EVER GO TO BRUNCH????

QUICK STORY ABOUT GEORGE CLOONS: My brother in law's girlfriend (who is a very nice lady) happens to know someone who knows someone who knows someone whose family has a villa in southern Italy. Wait, that doesn't sound right. They don't have a villa. That'd be ridiculous. They have a house in a villa. I dunno. But they have some sort of house in some sort of town where George Cloons frequents. So one day, some person was down in the village and meets an Italian guy who sells cheese or something and was like, "Hey, I just saw George Cloons!" and the cheese guy was like, "Ohhhh, yeahhhh, George Cloons, he-ah come here all the time-ah," and the other person was like, "Oh really? He comes with his girlfriend?" and the Italian guy was like, "Ohhhhh, no-ah. George-ah Clooney? He like-ah-da-boys." And the other person was like, "What? Really? He like-ah-da-boys?" and the Italian dude was like, "Oh, yes. He like-ah-da-boys," and then gave some sort of wink/eyebrow raise to reinforce that George Clooney definitely like-ah-da-boys.

I mean, it's long been rumored that George Cloons like-ah-da-boys, but that story pretty much convinced me 100% that he like-ah-da-boys. So that's cool for George Cloons. Maybe one day he'll feel comfortable enough coming out. Maybe I will too.


Honestly I just saw a dude in Urban Outfitters wearing this same outfit. 

From: Scott Rawhouser 
Subject: Mailborg

You ever watch that show locked up a broad? I'm glad I'm not a girl cause I wouldn't want to be locked up. I'll admit I don't watch any of the shows you blorg about, but am a huge fan of the scintillating intellectual convosash's that follow.


Was that a joke? Was Scott Rawhouser trying to write a joke there? "Locked up a broad?" Like they only lock up women? Ughghhhh, if that's true, if that was actually a joke, then I might have to officially retire these mailborg posts. Or maybe ban Scott Rawhouser. And that's not a real name, is it? Rawhouser? Ughghghhh. I can't handle getting emails like this. What a dumb joke! Locked up a broad? That's a joke? That's what goes for a joke these days? Scott Rawhouser, you know what? You are officially the first reader in TVMWW history to be banned from the blog. You are banned!

For the record, I've never actually seen Locked Up Abroad, but it sounds freaking terrifying. How does it work? Is it like European Cops? And they just ride around trying to arrest Americans? Or do they just go to the jails and find Americans and then do a dramatization of what happened? And oh my God I obviously don't care I'm just trying to make this mailborg post sort of about television. THESE QUESTIONS WERE HORRIBLE. THIS MAILBORG IS AN EMBARRASSMENT. GIMME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, PEOPLE. 

Locked Up a Broad on the other hand sounds like MOST EROTIC SHOW EVER.

From: G E L.
Subj: G E L.'s invitation is awaiting your response

G E L. would like to connect on LinkedIn. How would you like to respond?

I would love to connect with G E L. 

I would love to connect with anyone. 

I'm so lonely, guys. 

So very, very lonely. 







May 27th!!! Are you ready to GET SERIOUS??? Wait, no, I mean, WHO CARESSSSSS???? Ugh, I obviously care. This is the worst mantra ever. I care about so many things. I'll tell ya what though, this guy doesn't care about anything. He likes pizza!


19 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. who who who who who who who who who who who who CARESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?????????????

      Delete
  2. All those Twitter followers and these were the questions you got? Wow.

    Also, RIP Roofhoser. Tough break getting banned from the dumbest borgsopt in the country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey, who knows? maybe he'll become the first reader who gets unbanned.



      OMG NO WAY HE'S BANNED 4 LYFE RIP RAWHOUSER YOU SHOULDA PICKED A BETTER NAME LIKE "KUNK."

      Delete
  3. Horrible questions. I'm going to rack my brain for some doozies for the next go around. What does "rack my brain" even mean? Boobs on my mind? Help. Someone help me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HEY CHEVY, ANY RELATION TO THE GUY WHO STARTED CHEVROLET, JOHN CHEVINGSTON? LOL LOL LOL JK JK JK I KNOW YOU'RE NOT LOL LOL JK JK BUT SERIOUSLY THO, CHEVY TRUCKS RIGHT? LOL LOL OMG OMG LOL FUCK FORD! LOL JK JK I LOVE FORDS LOL LOL JK I HATE THEM LOL LOL FORD FAIRLANE RIGHT? OMG LOL LOL SORRY SO SORRY STOPPING NOW

      Delete
    2. Yeah, my great uncle Charlie Chevinster started making cars back in the early 1920's...jk, jk, I don't even like Chevys and my name is pronounced like Chevy Chase, the guy who played Fletch. I buy german cars and asian trucks and I like peanuts.

      Delete
  4. How does this banned thing work. You think you own the interwebs? Get over yourself. WHOOOOOOO CARRRRRREES!!!!!?????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I haven't quite figured that out yet, Rawhouser, but as of now, you're doing great! THX 4 READING ... L U

      Delete
  5. oh, no, okay, i get it. no need to include A REAL QUESTION ASKED BY A REAL MOTHER WITH A REAL CHILD WITH REAL QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WORLD in your ACTUAL MAILBORG POST because obvs anyone who would read this would also read the game of thrones recapp-a-lapp or whatever you

    oh who am i kidding no one reads any of this shit. i'm out. peace. just banned myself from this blog 4 LYFE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I USED YOU GODDAMN QUESTION AS A SNEAK PREEV IN THE PREVIOUS POST YOU FAT FUCK ... YOU SHOULD BE HONORED ... YOUR HONOR, YOUR HONOR!

      (Sara is a lawyer for anyone out there who gives a shit ... I certainly don't.)

      Delete
  6. Can't wait to see what the jap bots have to say about this piece of shit post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love those guys. So consistent.

      Delete
  7. you spelled my twitter handle wrong. thanks a dozen.

    ReplyDelete
  8. More comments about your mailbag than questions in it. Strong work. Also, I was fairly certain I was going to be the first one banned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I was pretty certain you were going to be, too.

      Delete
  9. Can we ask your worf questions too? Because I have one for her.

    Dear Dar,
    Why don't you watch The Client List? I need an excuse to watch it (so my wife doesn't think I am a perv) and this awesome blog by your awesome husband would help me out. Thank YOU!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Showed this to my wife last night and she suggested that the next mailbag could be entirely responses from her. Then I told her she'd have to actually put it on the internet and she changed the subj.

      WHAT THE HELL IS THE CLIENT LIST?

      DOES IT HAVE BARE BUTTS?

      Delete