Monday, May 6, 2013

Game of Frones Recap-a-lapp-a-dapp: S:3 Ep:5. Actually This Could be Ep 4. Or 6. I Dunno. Who Cares?

Totally normal. 

I'm really excited about the upcoming TVMWW Mailborg post (I just got a LinkedIn invitation from someone!), so I'm gonna blitz through this Game of Frones jawn without any editing or thinking or organization (so pretty much just like every other TVMWMWMWM post).

Are you ready?

Doesn't matter.

It's a rhetorical question. Let's do this.

Most Bonkers Mome
Truly amazing that on a show where a lady ripped a rabbit's skin off with her bare hands, that that would not be the Most Bonkers Mome, but I'm giving this week's Most Bonkers Mome to when Joffrey shot a crossbow through that prosititute's tits. And I know, I know, we didn't actually see him shoot the crossbow through her tits, but we did see her hanging there with arrows sticking out of her tits. That was bonkers. He totally killed her tits. I mean, it was also really really sad, and disgusting, and also sort of hot (kidding), but if you're reading this right now and you do not watch this show, what are you possibly thinking?

"Uhhhhh, what? Dead rabbits, bow-play and bloody tits? So it's kinda the same as HBO Real Sex?"

Dude, Joff is a TOTAL sicko (obvs). In my life, I have had many many many strange and twisted sexual fantasies, but none of them (okay, few of them) have included shooting a crossbow through a woman's tits. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can see how bow-play could be totally hot, but not when you actually shoot a crossbow through a woman's tits. And I know, I know, you don't shoot the crossbow, you shoot the arrows, but you get the point. Also, young Joffrey is very advanced for a 17-year-old. I can't imagine being 17-years-old again and trying to introduce bow-play to my high school girlfriend (AND YES I HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL AND SHE WAS VERY LOVELY THANK YOU VERY MUCH).

SCENE -- INT. BASEMENT
17-year-old Evster and his high school girlfriend cuddle while watching The Fugitive on her pull-out couch. High school girlfriend is wearing nothing but a Franklin and Marshall cutoff sweatshirt. Evster is wearing nothing but Drakkar Noir. His hands are sweating profusely, as they have been for the past eleven years.

17-YEAR-OLD ME: Yes! Your mom finally fell asleep! Quick, lemme tie your hands together above your head.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: Umm, what?

17-YEAR-OLD ME:  It's cool, it's cool, lemme just tie your hands together.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: Yeah, those are my feet.

17-YEAR-OLD ME: You're gonna love this. I saw it on HBO Real Sex.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: What's HBO Real Sex?

17-YEAR-OLD ME:  It's this really cool show that comes on after Arliss.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: Why do you have a harp?

17-YEAR-OLD ME:  It's a crossbow.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: Uhhhh, sorry, what?

17-YEAR-OLD ME:  Relax. This is called bow-play. It's really hot. I'm gonna hold this crossbow up to your tits and you're gonna beg me for mercy and then I'm gonna perform cunniling on you and it's gonna be awesome.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: Ummmmmm, say that again?

17-YEAR-OLD ME:  Bowplay, dude. Bow-play.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: You realize I just gave you my first beejer? That was like, my first beejer, like, ever.

17-YEAR-OLD ME: And it was a really good beejer. It was a really good beejer, and I appreciate it, I really do. But c'mon, you're headed to college in the fall and this is the type of stuff you'll need to do before you get there. Also I'm not gonna actually shoot you in the tits, it's just to enhance the sex.

EVSTER'S HIGH SCHOOL GF: One way we could enhance the sex would be for you to last more than four minutes.

17-YEAR-OLD ME: AND ANOTHER WAY WOULD BE FOR YOU TO STOP PUTTING ME DOWN ALL THE TIME.


Dude got the big bottle.

Saddest Mome
The Theon Grayjoy torture scene was obviously sad, but the saddest mome happened at about the :45 minute mark when I realized that Dragon Lady and her warriors were left out of the show for a second straight week!!! How is this possible? A few weeks ago, Game of Frones delivered one of the all-time greatest momes, and now they just ignore that plot line for an entire fortnight??? Ughghghghhhhhh.

Storyline That Is Borrrinnngggggg
Oh my God any scene where people are talking. Enough with the talking!

Quick Preview of the Upcoming Mailborg!
I received this submission for the Mailborg earlier this morning and felt like it would also fit into Game of Frones, so let's do a quick sneak preev:

From: Sara Circs
Subject: Shut up

This question is actually from my 3-year-old son. He would like to know: When somebody dies, do they stay dead, or do they sometimes wake up again?

A parenting question! Not easy when kids ask you about serious stuff and you gotta come up with an answer. But considering I hung out with my friend's 2-year-old son this weekend and gave him a couple sips of my Dr. Pepper, I think I'm definitely qualified. 

Also, as a rule, whenever I explain something to children, I always do so in my best Foghorn Leghorn impression. So here goes:

Now look here, boy, look here, it all depends if you're talking about an actual person, or a Game of Frones person, boy! Because you see, boy, there's a one-eyed man on this show, now I say, I say, there's a one-eyed man on this show, boy, who always wakes up, boy! Now look here, look here, listen to me when I'm talkin' to you boy! (Slaps kid with giant sock.) Now listen here boy, this one-eyed man, boy, he ain't real. He just a fake person, boy! And I don't know how he's able to wake up boy, something about a Fire God, boy. This show, now I say, I say, this show is stupid, boy! Don't watch this show. Now I say, I say, I need you to do somethin' son. Come closer boy, closer. (Whispers in ear something about getting his Momma to send pictures of all of her barefoot friends to tvmywifewatches@gmail.com.) Now go on, boy! Go on! 

That's some HBO Real Sex stuff right there. 

Mome When I Had to Pause the Show and Ask My Wife Questions Because I Get Confused About Stuff

To be honest, this happened around 11 times last night (and every night), but I was most confused after that old lady with the scarf broke Big Daddy Lannister's pen. I mean, I liked that scene, and liked how they were bartering for stuff, but I have no idea where they left it. Did she agree to have her son marry Whatsherface? Who won that argument? And what is under her scarf? Does she have a frog neck?

By the way, for the first time ever my wife had no idea what was going on either. When I asked her what the freak happened, she just said, "I don't know. I think she was just saying that guy was an asshole."

This Week's Mome That Reminds Me That I Would Not Last One Day in Game of Fronesville
Why would anyone ever climb an ice wall? I wouldn't even climb one of those buildings on the Bachelor where they serve you dinner at to the top. And I love dinner. I also love lunch.

Jon Snizz and Angie Everhart Jr. got in some nice traumatic bonding on that wall, though. That's always a good thing on the Bach. The Bachelor gets some chick to climb some dumb building, and she gets scared, and he helps her, and they embrace, and have a mome, and then they eat dinner. God I love dinner. Personally, I wanted Jon Snizz to die on that wall, to which my wife replied, "EVAN! DON'T YOU DARE!" which are three words my wife has never said before. "Don't you dare?" Who says that? What does that even mean? She was really worked up. Also, I think it's nice that Angie Everhart Jr. likes getting her vajayjer licked. I mean, all women like getting their vajayjer's licked, but she seems to really like it. So that's nice for her.

HERE'S A PARAGRAPH THAT YOU MIGHT WANNA SKIP: I feel like there's two types of heterosexual dudes in this world: dudes who love to perform cunniling, and dudes who are lame as shit. Total poon hounds like Jon Snizz who love to go down on a woman seem to have a deep and total appreciashe for women, and are thoroughly up for just about anything in the bedroom (including bow-play). Guys who only lick that vajangjang because their women want them to normally prefer to jack their Ds. Just a theory.

Oh My God is There Anything Else We Need to Talk About?
I noticed a lot of cello during last night's ep. So that's cool for cellos.

Bran's hair is UNACCEPTABLE. He looks like that dude from Gonzaga!

I mean, they really look nothing alike.

That was also a nice shot of Jon Snizz and Angie Everhart Jr. at the end embracing on top of the wall. Nice panoramic cinematogs. Nice mome. Nice kissing. OMG who cares. I wanna see more cunniling.

This blog is so stupid.

You realize that, right?

Ugh.


d


Have you seen Gay of Thrones yet? It's fantastic. I highly recommend watching it as soon as you submit your question/comment/sex tip to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com for the mailborg post. Or you could always just not. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. 


10 comments:

  1. Jesus Christ, how have you not taken over for Alan Sepinwall yet? This was a tour de force AND I STILL DON'T WATCH THIS STUPID SHOW.

    Can't believe Kobe's sister wasn't into bow-play.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOTTA EMAILS POURING INTO THE TVMWW MAILBOX.

      FOUR TO BE EXACT.

      Delete
  2. Borrrrrrrringgggggggg!!! Pics of some sweet Panamanian canaling would be benefish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. is that a good kind of cunniling?

      Delete
  3. How can I watch this (the bow tits, not game of bones)?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hilarious! When the ladies like their vajajay licked, you know they are good to go! Thrones shows how the key to a woman's heart is through her crouch!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Replies
    1. HEY CHEVY, ANY RELATION TO CHEVY CHASE??? LOL LOL OMG JK JK LOL NO BUT SERIOUSLY ARE YOU? LOL JK JK JK JK OH MAN JK LOL NO BUT SERS LOVE HIS WORK

      Delete