Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Premiere: Larry (and Other People)

Harrison tryna fuck. 

Look, I love the Bachelorette. You know that. You have to know that. This show has singlehandedly kept this shitbox of a blog alive for the past three years. It has given me ups, downs, boners, tears, bonertears, bloodboners, doubleboners, melanomaboners, god this is so stupid, but the bottom line is, this show -- despite its ability to give me boners -- is friggin' terrible. Terrible! It's soooooo dumb and the people are such idiots and did you see Des slide down that rock in the opening intro sequence? You saw her slide down that rock, right? Someone (maybe a producer? maybe Des?) thought that'd be a good idea to have her slide down that rock. Like we'd see that and think, "Oh, look, she likes to slide down rocks. She's fun! I love ABC programming. Maybe I'll watch #Mistresses after all." Ugh, I really don't know how much more of this I can take.

This past week, as we met all of Des's suitors, we were introduced to a guy named Larry. An actual guy named Larry. A real, grown up, human being, named Larry. Do you realize how ridiculous that is?!?! "Hey everybody, what's goin' on? My name's Larry." ... "Oh, hey Larry." ... "Hey Larry." ... "What's up, Larry?" ... "What's your name? Larry? Cool. How's it goin, Larry?" ... I've never met a person in this world named Larry who wasn't a total weirdo. And that includes a mega-weirdo I knew whose name was Barry, but who I thought was named Larry for like the first three weeks I knew him. Barrys might be even weirder than Larrys.

Ughhhghhh, this show is so stupid and so was that last paragraph! Or as they say on Game of Frones, "schtoopid." This really might be the last week I blorg about it. IT'S TOO DUMB. AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT THE GUY WHO KEPT HASHTAGGING STUFF. I really don't know if I can take anymore. Also, just a side note, I set my alarm for 6am this morning so I could try to pump this baby out, but accidentally set it for 5am, so now I'm downstairs at 5:20am and have no idea what's going on. This could actually bode well for the blorg. Let's keep it moving.

AND OMG I'M OBVIOUSLY KIDDING THAT THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME I BLOG ABOUT IT. Are you kidding me? This is the only time of year that my schtoopid blog gets any hits. I wrote a jawn about Mad Men's Wearhouse yesterday and do you know how many hits it got? Do you know how many hits? Seven! SEVEN HITS. That's not even true, it got like 85 hits, but still, that's not enough hits! Ugghhghhh, 5:22am? I'm so frustrated with myself right now. This could be worse than accidentally stepping in water while wearing socks. Actually, no, nothing's worse than that. NOTHINGGGGGGG.

When I went to save this picture of Larry to my desktop,
the name of the .jpg was already called "Larry".

Poem Guy should've been voted off the second he started reading that poem. THE SECOND HE STARTED READING THAT POEM. "I'm sorry, Rick? Is that your name?" ... "Uhh, it's actually Nick." ... "Okay, Nork, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry. I can't handle a human being who thought it'd be a good idea to read a lady a poem upon first meeting her. I'm sorry." ... "But it's short, look (takes out piece of folded up paper)." ... "Okay, stop unfolding the paper. Just stop with the unfolding. The fact that you had to write it down. I mean it's a four-line poem. It has four lines. I'm sorry, Nork, just go back in the limo. Just go back. I just can't. I'm sorry. You understand. Watch the premiere. You'll understand. I'm sorry, Nork. Goodbye."

Juan Pablo on the other hand, he's obviously my favourite. He's obviously my favourite! He can do no wrong, with that accent, and that stupid soccer ball, and did you know that there are people in this world, like, real people who have cars and friends and semi-decent personalities, who wake up at 5am? Like, every day! I am FLYING THROUGH this blorgpost just so I can go lay down again. I'm so delirious, I genuinely thought it was funny in the last paragraph to call a guy named Nick, Nork. That's funny? That's what goes for comedy these days? Ughghhh, I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry to all the Norks out there.

Oh wait, the magician SLASH tailor was my most favourite. Juan Pablo was my favourite, but the magician SLASH tailor aka Kordell Stewart Jr. was my most faves. All I wanted to do last night was see him do magic tricks. I feel like Larry felt the same way. How many bunnies do you think he packed for that trip? Twelve? I feel like he probably packed twelve.

Buns. 

And then there was Diogo! Poor Diogo. It is seriously so early in the morning right now, there's not even any birds chirping. No one in this ecosystem is awake. NO ONE.

Around halfway through watching last night, we had to pause the show because I saw a few ants crawling around our living room. Now let me just tell you, I do NOT like ants. My wife likes to make fun of me because I freak out when ants are around, like, I freak out even more than I do when I step in water while wearing socks (WHICH IS STILL THE WORST BY THE BY), but as soon as I saw some ants last night, I double freaked.

WIFE: What? What? Why are you pausing?

EVSTER: I just saw some ants.

WIFE: omg, calm down.

EVSTER: They're right there, crawling around that magazine.

WIFE: Okay, there's like four ants.

EVSTER: Okay, first of all, there's like seven ants. Second of all ...

WIFE: Oh wait, there's more.

EVSTER: Dude there's like twelve ants.

WIFE: Okay, there's like twelve ants. It's okay. (Starts mashing ants with a copy of Entertainment Weekly.)

EVSTER: (Starts running around frantically looking for stuff to mash ants with. Like Jimmy Valvano in the 1983 title game, darting through the dining room, spinning, looking for magazines, grabbing a wet sock in the corner, spinning around again, looking, grabbing some sort of mildew cleaner and just spraying like a mad man.)

By the by, I'll admit that I don't know shit about shit. I'l be the first to admit that. I mean, I'm the guy who woke up at 5am to write a blog that maybe, mayyyyyyybe eleven people will read, but I do know a little thing about ant poison, and by far, BY FAR, the best ant poison on the market is Terro Liquid Ant Baits. It's unbelievable. Ants crawl into this jawn, get the poison in their little ant bellies, then bring the poison back to their friends at the ant hill, and now that I'm explaining it I feel a little bad about killing all those ants, but still, this Terro stuff is amazing. You can get it at Home Deeps. It seriously the best stuff in the biz. The only product out there that is more dominant in its particular field are Breathe Right brand breathe rights. Not the knock-off CVS kind, the good kind. The Breathe Rights. I mean, they named their own product for God's sake. And they HELP YOU BREATHE. It's friggin' fascinating that a product that HELPS YOU BREATHE BETTER -- basically the most fundamental of things you have to do in this world -- is not more popular. Like, how are more people not walking around every day with Breathe Rights on? Yeah, it costs like 20 bucks for a box of 'em, but it's so worth it. I wear 'em around the house AND THEY HELP ME SMELL STUFF.

I'm buying stock in this product immediately.
Also, how do you buy stock in stuff?

LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE, WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE WRITTEN DOWN IN MY STUPID NOTES?

Oh, Will, the light-skinned black guy who high fives everyone. Look, I could write 30,000 words on Will alone, but lemme just keep it short and sweet: is it me or does he sorta look exactly like Chris Broussard?

I honestly don't think they look anything alike. 

Okay, it just took me around 15 minutes to find pictures of those two guys and crop them and post them up there and now I've lost all momentum. Plus, my next-door neighbor's dog, Atticus, (who can suck my butt) just woke up and started barking like crazy and woke up pretty much every bird in my neighborhood and now they're all chirping like a bunch of assholes. It's amazing how much birds love chirping. Ah-maze-ingggggg.

Then there was Wishbone Guy! I'm not even sure which guy Wishbone Guy was, but I gotta hand it to him, of all the horrible gimmicks that dudes have pulled after getting out of the limo, I actually didn't hate this one. Possibly because I love wishbones, but moreso because it means that at some point over the last few days, that guy roasted a chicken. Like, he made a point to go to the grocery store, buy a chicken, roast a chicken, de-chicken a chicken, clean off the wishbone, let it dry out, put it in his stupid carry-on bag when flying out to LA, and bring it with him to the show! "Let's see, let's see, got my wallet, got some gum, what am I missing, what am I missing? Feel like I'm missing something. Ummmm, gum? Got that, got that. Ummm, I know there's something. Wallet? No, got that, too. Hmmmm. Ughhh. There's something, I know there's something. Yeah, I'm coming, Larry! I know the limo's here! One sec, dude! Damn, I know there's something. You smell chicken? I smell chicken. Wishbone! Where's my wishbone? Larryyyyyyy?!???! LARRRYYYYYYY??!??!? YOU SEEN MY WISHBONE??!?!"

So here's a question: does Des suck? I mean, what does she actually bring to the table? I feel like I kinda liked her during Sean's seez, like, she was okay, kinda hot, looked good in a tankini, but never really did much. I feel like she drank goat's milk or something? So that was cool, but she was kinda boring as hell during that first ep. And she sure does cry a lot. Then again, there was some nice, wet, hot tongue-actsh in the "This seez on the Bachelorette" preview thing. So that's cool I guess.

Wakeboarder guy can take a shit.

Sign-spinner guy can take a total shit.

Drew is obvs gonna win. He can take a shit.

I can't believe we don't get to see any more magic acts.

I know he sucks, but I kinda liked shirt-off abs guy. I mean, he was such an idiot, but whatever. I felt sad for him when he was alone in that swimming pool.

I also felt sad for Diogo.

Poor, Diogo.

Bryden or Larry? Which name would you rather have? I gotta go with Larry on this one. Which is unbelievable.

Wakeboarder guy can seriously take a shit.

I don't know if I can do it this year, guys. I don't know if I can do it.

I might have to post pictures of bunnies each week just to get by.

I'm going back to sleep.

Also there's a fucking beautiful bluejay outside my window right now.

He can take a shit.







Did you knowwwww that you can follow Des on Twitter? Also, enough of all those stupid tweets during the broadcast of the show. Ugh, no one cares. That being said, follow me on Twitter! Or don't. Who cares. Here's some more buns.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Mad Men's Wearhouse: Matthew Weiner Can #SMB All Day Every Day

All aboard the S.S. Milkbutt.

Matthew Weiner can suck so many butts. I'm not sure how many exactly -- could be 100? could be 1,000? -- but after this stunt he pulled this week, duping his audience into thinking something MEGA BALONEY BONKERS was gonna happen, but then not delivering, he can seriously suck at least 300 butts.

You see, in the preview-blurb-thingie before this week's episode, it read: "Roger is plagued by a recurring dream. Joan goes to the beach." Now, I want you to read that last part again, just in case you were busy sucking like 12 butts while skimming this post.

"Roger is plagued by a recurring dream. JOAN GOES TO THE BEACH."

THIS IS A BEACH!

Didn't happen, Weener!

Didn't!

Happen!

First of all, Joan didn't even go near the beach, she simply packed for the beach. And to be honest, if Weener had advertised Joan packing for the beach, and then showed Joan packing for the beach, I woulda been happy and still VERY EXCITED, but we didn't even really get to see that! We just saw her zip up her bag for the beach, because Weener was too busy sucking his own butt!

When one reads "Joan goes to the beach," we expect to see A MILKY WHITE BUTT, and a woman slapping the elastic of her bathing suit and making a VERY LOUD NOISE, but noooooooooo, that's apparently NOT what Matthew WEENER thinks.

And it's obviously WEENER and not WHINER!

The rest of the episode was friggin' fantastic, tho -- with Don Drapes getting it on again with Betty, Peggy STABBING HER BOYFRIEND WITH A HOMEMADE SWORD, and Harry Crane sucking like 700 butts -- and the past few eps have been great too -- with Don Drapes making that Freaks and Geeks lady crawl on all fours, Ken Cosgrove's Mr. Peanut dance, and 12-year-old Don Drapes getting a handie from that prostitute -- but I still wanted to hear some elastic slappin'!

Also, did Roger even have any recurring dreams? I don't remember Roger having any recurring dreams.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE PERSON WHO WRITES YOUR BLURBS, WEENER?

I NEED ANSWERS, GODDAMMIT.

I NEED SOME ANSWERS, TENDER SATISFANDERS.





Dude, there's too much on TV these days: NBA playarfs, Game of Frones, Da Bachelorette, Real Housewizzles of New Jerz comes back Sundee night, Arrested Develz, Christopher Guest has a new show on HBO, Antiques Roadshow is on all the time, I CAN'T HANDLE IT! So to calm myself down, I've attached a very, very, very nice and relaxing picture of seven white women doing the flutter foot on the beach.




I'm Not Dead -- Bachelorette Stuff Coming Tomorrow

I drink coffee!!!

Just posting real quick to say that I'm not dead.

I've been away on a mini-vacashe, but will be watching Da Bachelorette tonight with my lovely, beautiful, voluptuous wife, and writing about it tomorrow (or some time in late September).

Til then, here's a couple vids to keep you off my back omg shut up for like five minutes and let a brotha go to Boston for a long weekend omg you're so needy seriously get over it PS I miss you guys.








Monday, May 20, 2013

One Year Later -- It's Finally Time to Vote in the TVMWW Art Contest Presented by Sal's Automotive



Evster's note: This poll on the upper right friggin sucks. It doesn't work. So instead of looking at the art and then voting, just look. Or try to vote. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. 

A little over a year ago, I announced the first ever TVMWW Art Contest Presented by Sal's Automotive. Readers were asked to send in artwork with the promise of a grand prize of two free pizzas delivered to the winner's door. It was glorious. A few people got excited, sent in a bunch of great submissions, but I never posted anything or gave out any pizzas BECAUSE I'M A FRIGGIN' DIPSHIT.

But now -- NOW -- is the perfect time to put up all those entries! And announce a winner!

So here is a whole lotta TVMWW artwork from people who actually took time out of their lives to enter a contest run by an idiot. When you're finished looking through the submissions, please vote for a winner in da poll in the upper right hand corner of this here blorg. (Hopefully the poll thing works, it honestly never works.)

--------------------------------------------

Grape Jawn
by, Gabulous



Regina Steamer
by, Chris Longbeards




Battle Royale w/ Cheese
by, BP Dizzle




Hang It and Bang It
by, The Evster




Dorf on Golf
by, Dave Yizzoung




Sal's Automotive
by, Gabulous




Shammy Boom Bammy
by, Chris Longbeards



Actual Art
by, Dave Yizzoung




TVMWSWWSSSW
by, Gabulous




Yinka Dinka Dare
by, Dave Yizzoung





Cirque du Sol-ay
by, Dave Yizzoung




Ricki Ticki Tumbo
by, BP Dizzle




Martha, Martha, Martha
by, Hinkleberg




No Idea What's Goin On Here
by, Cort Booth





KWMWW
by, Chris Longbeards



RIP Edward
by, Hinkleberg




Ughghghghhhhgh 
by, The Evster




Jake the Snake
by, Dave Yizzoung




This One is Really Somethin
by, Dave Yizzoung





My Mother was an Art Teacher
by, The Evster 





Whatever Jared Leto
by, Chris Longbeards 



LSD My Wife Takes
by, Dave Yizzoung



Boob Toob
by, Dave Yizzoung


WWTVMWWD
by, Dave Yizzoung




Basketballapalooza
by, Dave Yizzoung 



TVMWWWTV
by, Chris Longbeards 



Pantalones
by, Chris Longbeards



Ohhhhhhhhh, Emily
by, The Evster



Well there you have it, folks! 

Now go up to the top of this page and vote for who should win the pizza! 

If you're reading this in your email, you have to go to TVMyWorf.Watpchles.bloggsp.ots.com to vote.

Thanks to everyone who contributed.

Pizza pizza!

Friday, May 17, 2013

SMWBM: Socks My Wife Buys Me

I know!!!

My wife is the best!

She bought me these Patrick Ewing jawns yesterday (SIXTEEN BUCKS, THO) which inspired my latest post for The 700 Level -- The Evster's Guide to Sprucing Up Your Sports Wardrobe.

Bing bong!


Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Wednesday's Wifey: Carey Mulligan from The Great Gatz

Those totally aren't her real shoulders. 

Earlier this week, TVMWMWMWMWWWWM's Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circlenberg, joined me to discuss The Great Gatz. During our highly entertaining and engaging back and frorf, Sara mentioned something about Carey Mulligan (who plays Daisy in the film). What she mentioned? I have no idea. I skimmed pretty much every one of her sections, but it's what she didn't mention that's got me in a tizzy! (Gatsby term.)

You see, after googling Carey Mulligan this morning, I learned that the Hollywood princess is married to Marvin Mumford from Mumford and Sons!!! 

OMGGGGGGG I KNOWWWWWWWW!!!

If you're TVMWMWMWMWMW's Hollywood Correspondent, pretty much your only job is to tell us stuff like this!!! I mean, really, what else is there for you to do?!?! I'm not even quite sure if this is interesting information, but it is still information that MUST be shared! So as I sit here contemplating whether or not to ban Sara Circs from this here blog (RIP Rawhouser), I guess I'll just have to do some sleuthing on Carey Mulligan all by myself!


Yo, if you google Carey Mulligan and Marvin Mumfs, you will find a million stupid pictures of them walking down the stupid street. They friggin' love it, with the hand-holding, and the smiling, and the lack of undershirts. Ugh, it makes me sick. Look at the dude in the background sitting on the stoop. He agrees with me, like, "THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT EXPENSIVE, DUDE. YOU CAN GET LIKE A 5-PACK OF HANES JAWNS FOR ONLY 8 DOLLARS. FRUIT OF THE LOOMS ARE EVEN CHEAPER." 

Poor stoop-sitting guy, maybe if you practiced the ukulele a little more instead of sitting on stoops judging people you could marry a Hollywood starlet, too. (Gatsby term.) Is that even a stoop? He might just be sitting on a rock. That's ridiculous, there are no rocks in New York City. Maybe they're in Boulder? Honestly holding hands in public is disgusting. 




Ohhhh, it's not all lovey-duvey when the sun goes down, is it guys??? (No idea what that means, also it looks like the sun is totally shining.) Still, Carey Mulls looks like she's upset about something. I'm guessing Marvin refused to carry her clutch. That's a clutch, right? I think that's called a clutch. If my Hollywood Correspondent was here, she could tell me what's a clutch and what's not a clutch, but no! She only does the bare minimum! I'm sure I could ask my wife, too, but she hasn't responded to any of my emails since last September.   



Okay, the internet claims that this is Carey and Marvin, but that doesn't look anything like Marvin. Who is that guy?!?! Is Carey cheating on her huzz??? WHERE THE HELL IS MY HOLLYWOOD CORRESPONDENT WHEN I NEED HER??? Honestly, doesn't matter, 'cuz the real star of this picture is the dude in the foreground with that giant walrus mustache. Love that guy! He's so ready to get to wherever he's going. Probably owns a million undershirts, too. Also, why is Carey always carrying stuff?!?! You have a purse, lady! Use it! And the guy you're cheating on your husband with is carrying like three bags! Seriously, how much do you think Mustache Guy loves softball?



DID YOU KNOW that before Carey married Marvin the Mumf, she used to date Shia LaBorf?! It's true!! (AS CONFIRMED BY IMDB.COM, GOOGLE.COM, BUT NOT SARACIRCS.COM, NOOOOOOOOOOO, NEVER SARACIRCS.COM). The former couple sure looks like they were in love, but my oh my does Shia LaBorf have the smallest feet ever??? How does he stand up on those things?!?!? NICE BACKPACK THO. 



Oh my God you're in public and people can see you! Ughhghhh, I'm gonna barf. And what's up with Shia dressing like a homeless person?

Gotta hand it to Carey here, though, kissing with her eyes open. That's a veteran move. I do that too. It's much more erotic allows you to see your partner's tongue flicking yours. Not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but I am a CERTIFIED SEXUAL ASSASSIN. 



YO HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A WOMAN MORE INTO HAVING HER NOSE KISSED?

KINDA DISGUSTING / KINDA HOT / MORE OFTEN THAT NOT DISGUSTING = HOT. 




Of course, it didn't work out for Carey and Shia because LaBorf was in fact homeless at the time they were dating. Here he is trying to explain to her that they can get at least 4 dollars for this "awesome volcano kit." Honestly, I feel like he could get much more. I've also never seen a dirtier more sloppily dressed human being in my entire life. And that includes my Uncle Reggie who once showed up to our Passover Seder wearing a bathing suit. 



And now of course Carey is starring in The Great Gatz with Hollywood's ultimate hearthrob, Leonardo DiGatsbio (© SaraCircs). Great move by Leo here to put his hand firmly on Carey's throat. Super hot. Not that volcano kits and nose kisses aren't also hot, but there's really nothing hotter than a good ole fashioned choke sesh. 



Ohhhh, another great move by Leo! The San Antonio Sniff-Job! Break a lady down emotionally, pull her into your chest and let her smell your pheromones. Very primal. Very real. Very San Antonio. 



How does this guy not have one goddamn mole on his back?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! I kinda feel like I could've been a Hollywood stud had I not been born with gigantic hairy mounds of cancer sprouting out of my entire body.  

THIS WORLD IS NOT FAIR. 

I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH AND AM VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE FOUND HER. 

I ALSO LIKE PRETTY MUCH EVERY MUMFORD AND SONS SONG THAT I'VE HEARD. I'VE ONLY HEARD LIKE THREE OF THEIR SONGS, THO. THREE FOR THREE, BABY.





If you haven't read the Gatsby jawn by me and Sara Circs yes, you can read it here. Or you can read something else somewhere else. I really don't care. What you should do though is look at this friggin adorable picture of a lion petting an antelope

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Movie: The Evster and Sara Circs Break Down The Great Gatsby

In this scene Leo bit her nose off and it was HAWT. 

Just the $51 milly at the box office this weekend for the Great Gatz.

#JustThe51

That’s cool though, my wife and I were happy to pay $12 a ticket, because earlier in the day I found Tropicana OJ on sale for only $2.50. I bought 37 cartons. Ugh, that’s not even true. The juice was $2.99, I just wanted to make myself sound cool with the whole $2.50 thing. No one sells Tropicans for $2.50 these days. It’s so sad. I can’t get good orange juice for under three bucks, and I can’t afford going to the movies without smuggling in my own popcorn. It’s also really hard to wheel in one of these bad boys underneath your shirt without looking suspicious.

Only $699 in Sky Mall!

Actually, now that I think about it, $3 is pretty reasonable for 64 ounces of pure premium orange juice. I mean, have you ever tried to squeeze your own? It takes SO LONG and hurts your wrist SO MUCH and omg WHOOO CARESSSSSS???? let’s just bring in TVMWW’s 2nd favourite Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs, to discuss the Great Gatz, reading books and why the hell she keeps coming back to write these things.

SARA CIRCS: Ugh, I hate you.

EVSTER: Thanks for being here! So Sara Circs, what are your thoughts on Leonardo DiCapps? He is -- and always has been -- my wife’s NUMERO UNO. She had pictures of Leo on her bedroom walls growing up, she thoroughly enjoyed Catch Me If You Can, and she once pushed me into a mailbox when we walked by him on the street. Personally, I think Leo’s a little bit of a tweedle (and mailboxes should have softer edges!), but thought he did a pretty decent job in this movie. I was also really surprised that he has chest hair.

SARA CIRCS: There was chest hair? Are you joking with me right now? I don’t remember any chest hair. My memory of Leonardo DiGatsbio (© saracircs) in that movie, which I saw fewer than three days ago, is nothing but an incredibly smooth, continuous blur of smoothness. Chest, face, hair, eyeballs, all so smooth, like a fresh, white, dead chicken.

Leo is undoubtedly supes cute but he was never one of my toppers. I was a big Kevin Arnold fan, was way into Aladdin, crushed pretty hard on Wayne Campbell. Hmm, what do these guys have in common? CHEST HAIR FOR DAYS.

That said, Mr. DiPlaxbio (© saracircs) was ridiculously attractive in this movie and that makes me think maybe there was some subliminal chest hair.

Def got a little sprout there. 

EVSTER: There was definitely some chest hair and I have no idea who Wayne Campbell is. Is that really a person? Are you sure you don’t mean Wayne Gretzky? aka The Great Waynesby? I’d ask you who Wayne Campbell is, but I obviously don’t care. Let’s just talk about the movie.

I liked it!

I saw it with my wife and her friend, and afterwards we all agreed to give it three stars. Then my wife asked, “Wait, this is out of five, right?” and I said, “No, it’s out of four,” and she was like, “No, it’s out of five,” which changed ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING including making me question how I could marry a woman who had so little understanding of the standard four-star rating system.

There was really no way this movie was going to be bad. It’s a good story (and yes I read the book, and no I didn’t really read the book, but I did listen to it on CD a few years ago (which totally counts), and granted I didn’t remember a lot of the book so the movie was SUPES SUSPENSEFUL). It’s that old Hollywood formula for success: good book + good popcorn = good bokchorn. Ugh, I’m sorry, I really am.

The director … I think his name is Buzz Lerman? … I’m gonna google that … Nope! It’s Baz Luhrmann! … That’s ridiculous ... I’m calling him Bob Lurbmans … is a really neat filmmaker. I like how Bob made everything look sort of fantastical (I think that’s a word) and comic book-like (no idea what I’m talking about here) while still staying true to Fitzgehrmann’s original story. The gaffers also did a really good job, as did the sound mixers. Geez, this movie critiquing stuff is really hard. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that this movie sure did have lots of pretty colors. I also liked the popcorn.

For the record, I have pretty much every Garfield book ever written on CD.

Oh, Garf. 

SARA CIRCS: SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. I BEG OF YOU.

I’m not sure if it’s against blog policy here, but I was gonna talk about the movie for a second. I liked the part with the tea and the flowers and Mr. Gatskee being nervous and awkward and fumbly (HOT) and pretty much any line uttered by Daisy (played by a lady named Carey Mulligan who, according to my mother and my husband, is, for all intents and purposes, the same person as Michelle Williams (who, according to michellewilliams.net, co-starred in the hit horror sequel Halloween H20 and is married to her Brokeback Mountain co-star Heath Ledger and maybe someone better check on the michellewilliams.net webmaster real quick, has anyone heard from him/her in awhile?)). Seriously, that lady says “Gatsby” so nicely it makes me wish my name was Gratsby and she was my personal slave. She also has a dimple and nice liquidy brown eyes that look like they’re crying all the time and I think I might want to kiss her/she bears a surprising resemblance to Kevin Arnold.

EVSTER: You’re doing a great job as TVMWWMWWWM’s Hollywood Correspondent. You really are. I don’t know who this Michelle Williams lady is, but now I totally wanna see her in some slave-porn. What else should we discuss? The ending? Can we talk about the ending? I mean, we can obvs talk about the ending because the original story came out around 20 years ago, and if someone hasn’t listened to the CD yet, they’re probably never gonna.

THE ENDING WAS SAD.

SARA CIRCS: Technically, the ending was only sad if you think it’s sad when sad things happen. I haven’t analyzed your readership demographics lately, Evster. Who knows what they’d think?

EVSTER: My readers like popcorn!

SARA CIRCS: As a final thought, I’d just like to point out that this movie depicted the book pretty differently from how Dr. Buster explained it in the 11th grade. Back then, it was a lot more about class differences and striving and tennis, and a lot less about sex and scarves and twirling around while scarves rained down on top of you. To quote the inside front cover of 16-year-old Adrian McAndrews’ copy of The Great Gatsby in 1995, “NOT ENOUGH SEX/SCARVES.” I guess what I’m saying is, thanks a whole lot, Dr. Buster. Thanks for nothing.

EVSTER: I don’t know how you paid attention to stuff in high school, because I spent pretty much every day in English class staring at Lisa D’Amico’s jean shorts. Well, not at her jean shorts, that woulda been dumb, but what was under her jean shorts. (She had robot legs. It was REALLY WEIRD.)

People sure do like to say mean things about movies, and critics are being really mean to The Great Gatsby -- Leonard Malts gave it only 2 and a half stars! I mean, yeah, the tickets were expensive, and it’s not the best movie, but it has pretty much everything you'd want in a picture: a captivating love story, good music, it’s nice to look at, it keeps your attention, cup holders, other things, golf, it didn’t have any bare butts in it though, did it? That’s unfortunate.

I stand by my rating: 3 butts.

How many butts do you give it, Sar?

SARA CIRCS: What a stupid question.

EVSTER: So how many? Five?

SARA CIRCS: Obvs.

This is a book. 






Yo, you can follow Sara Circs aka Bazooka Mom aka Wayne Gretzky Jr. on Twitter @SaraCircle. You can also follow me @TVMWW. Or you can check out Sara Circs' high school yearbook photo here. She was on the swim team!