Monday, April 1, 2013

Game of Frones: S:3 Ep:1 Recap-a-lapp-a-dapp

This isnt' even a good picture!
And it gets top billing?

Game of Frones! Game of Frones! Game of Frones! Game of Froooooonnnnneeeeessssssss!

(Honestly I thought Sundee's ep was a little boring.)

Oh my gawd no it wasn't!

There was blood and there were frones and there were titties and sunburn and wolf attacks and a lady dumping shit out of a window -- geez, when you start to actually think about what happened, you realize just how bonks this show really is -- and last night was just a set-up episode!

All right, set-up episode or not (and I don't even know a "set-up episode" is, but my wife called it that and that sounds like something), let's take a look back at some of the most bonkers momes from the season three premiere set-up ep of GAME OF FRONGS.

Most Bonkers Mome
It's pretty unbelievable that on a show where the opening scene featured a dead guy holding his own head, that this would NOT be the most bonkers mome, but I'm giving the "Most Bonkers Mome" to the mome where that guy cut that other's guy's nipple off. I mean, even if you don't watch this show, and are just reading this blog because you find the author to be increddddddddibly sexy, you gotta be like, "Uhhhhhh, what? A dude cut someone's nipple off?" and the answer would be, "Yes. Yes he did." Sliced it right off. Totally normal TV show. Just one guy cutting another guy's nipple off. Because that's what people do on this show, and apparently men don't need nipples. In other news, this weekend my friend Emily tried to tell me that Nurse Jackie is totally worth watching.

#GoogSearch: Game of Frones Nipple Army

Saddest Mome
Ridiculous that a guy getting his nipple cut off would not also be awarded the "Saddest Mome," but there were two momes that I thought were even sadder. One, when the midget guy's dad was all mean to him, that was sad. And two, and even sadder, was when that other guy got interrupted when he was trying to rip that prostitute's panties off with his teeth!

Ughghghghghhhgh. Now I've never been interrupted right before I was about to eat a prostitute's underwear, but I have been in many many many similar sad situations. For example, last night I was having this mega-hot dream where Kandi from Real Housewives of Atlanta was about to jerk me off while sticking a gun in my mouth, and she was slowwwwly tracing the hard barrel of the revolver around my lips, and gennnnttttlllyyyy guiding the cold steel into my mouth, and then my Dad walked in and was like, "Ev, I need help with my printer," and I was like, "Uhhh, Dad, got a little gun play goin on here," and he was like, "Yeah, I think maybe I have the wrong cord or something," and then Kandi kissed me on the forehead and whispered, "You're a prude," and walked away and then I ended up at mall with a bunch of giraffes eating Cinnabons while talkin' about getting our ears pierced at Piercing Pagoda.

Mome Where I Had to Pause the Show and Ask My Wife Questions Because I Get Confused About Stuff
When Mr. Tom Hanks Castaway Guy was rescued from that rock and the dudes on the boat were like, "Who do you serve?" and he was like, "I serve Stanislav Gorathian! Protector of THE REALM," I had to ask my wife who the hell Vlanislav Vorathian was and she was like, "Ughghghgh, he's Robert's brother," and I was like, "Oh," but then I was like, "Who?" and she was like, "Ughghghghghghghh, he's the Lord of Dorvsdale!" and I was like, "Oh, right right right right righttttt. Wilson?" and she was like, "The lady with the smoke pussy!" and I was like, "Ohhhhhhh, okay, okay, okay, you can press play now," and then I asked her if she wanted to watch Castaway and she divorced me.

Mome That Shoulda Been a Longer Mome
How 'bout that giant guy! What was his deal? Can he talk? Is he sweet? Is he sensitive? I wanna know more! This show is so stupid!

Sad for him!

Scorpion Ball?
That's not even a mome! But what the hell was that? A little girl plays with a bocce ball that has a killer scorpion inside and the girl can zorp other places in the blink of an eye and also she's trying to kill the Dragon Lady? How is this a show? Is it even good? I honestly have no idea at this point. I love those wolves though. You think that giant guy could eat his own face? Who cares!

Mome When I Stopped Writing This Blog Because It's 9:00 at Night in my Office and This Guy I Work With is Still Here and He's Blasting Flamenco Music and I Wanna Go Home
Right now!

I'm walkin' awayyyyyyyy ...

Yo, no joke, Craig David is my JAWN. How is he not more famous? Speaking of famous, check out this enormous rabbit. He's not famous either. Sorry enormous rabbit. You should be more famous, too. I love you.


  1. What about the mome when the dwarf faked a brit accent and wasn't allowed to invite whores into his bed anymore and there was no Arya? Those were also some sad momes.

    1. Well well wells, the Commenter of the Year is back from her hiatus!

      That was really sad for him. NO MORE WHORES. But he's in love with a whore! But then again who hasn't been?



  2. Hoping the giant gets his on spin-off show. I could watch him hammer things in the ground for hours!

  3. How did I end up here? I was looking for TV my Fife Watches? Help!