Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Game of Frones Recap-a-Lapp-Dapp S:3 Ep:2-4 Khaleesi Killin' Em, Dawg!

Ahhghghghghghhghhhhhh!!!

Sentence about how bonkers Game of Frones is. WORDS IN ALL CAPS TO SHOW JUST HOW BONKS I THINK IT IS. Joke about how much my wife hates my guts. Thesis statement introducing what this post is gonna be about. Joke about how I'm not sure what a thesis statement is. Another joke about my butt. Joke about killing myself. Picture of a butt.

Oh my God WHO CARESSSS???

Let's recap the last few eps of GAME OF FRONES!!!


Shaka Smart got played, son!

Most Bonkers Mome
Remember a few weeks ago when I said I wasn't that into the whole dragons thing? (There's no way you remember that. I'm not even sure if I ever mentioned it. WHO CARESSS?!?!?) 

WELL LET IT BE KNOWN THAT I AM WAY INTO THE WHOLE DRAGONS THING. 

HOW COULD I NOT BE? 

DRAGONS BURN STUFF! 

True story alert! When I was a teacher for four years (FOUR OF THE MOST MISERABLE YEARS OF MY LIFE), every single day that I pulled into that dumb school parking lot I prayed that the school would be on fire. EVERY SINGLE DAY. And it never happened. And THAT MADE ME SAD. Well, guess what? Just last week, the school where I used to teach WAS BURNED TO THE GROUND! BY A STUDENT! THAT'S NOT INTERESTING AT ALL AND I'M NOT SURE WHY I SHARED IT. 

BACK TO GAME OF FRONES

What a move by Khaleesi! For those of you who don't watch, basically this blonde lady with very milky boobs pulled off a double-bubble switch-a-roo jing-jang on this guy and took control OF EVERYTHING. Possibly the greatest mome in GAME OF FRONES history? 

Other super bonkers momes:

- Ned Stark gettin got
- Jamie Lanns gettin chopped! 
- Bran gettin thrown out da window

Also, Bran's full name is actually Brandon??? God that's dumb. Who caresss??? 

Storyline That is Borrrrinnngggggggg
Bran's stupid three-eyed crow dreams. WHO CARESSSSSSSS??? Unless this has some sort of bonkers payoff like a three-eyed crow pecking a guy's face off, I've seen enough of Bran and his dumb dream sequences. Also, did you realize that the little dorkbutt who recently captured Bran is the little shitbag drummer from Love Actually????

WHO CARES AGAINNNNN????

The Mayor Carcetti Memorial "That Guy's On This Show?!" Award
With all apologies to the little shitbag from Love Actually, and Theon Grayjoy's horse (who happens to be the same horse from Hot to Trot), did you realize who the dude who transports his eyes into animal eyes was?????

Assistant to the Regional Manager

Ummmmmmm ...


I KNOW!!!!

Saddest Mome
In the last three episodes -- THE LAST THREE EPISODES -- there has been no "N for Nudity" thingie at the beginning of the show! It's to the point where my wife muttered, "I don't even wanna watch this anymore," at the beginning of last week's ep. Now, I don't know if the folks at HBO are trying to legitimize the show or something, but come onnnnnnnnnn. Also, I'm no mathematician, but there was DEFINITELY nudity during the scene where that guy got to have sex with three prostitutes!

And that guy clearly has a wonder-dick, right? Or has some sort of magic powers? OH MY GOD WHO CARES?

And then there was the lady who did the crab walk and showed everybody her vagina. That got me thinking, is that even attractive? I mean, if a woman did a crab walk toward me and showed me her vagina, would I want to have sex with her in crab walk position? The answer is yes. The answer is obviously yes. Of course it's yes. Absolutely. What? Yes. I want to have crab walk sex. I feel like I would be really good at it. I feel like it's the only thing that I would be legitimately good at. 

Mome Where I Had to Pause the Show and Ask My Wife Questions Because I Get Confused About Stuff
So hold up, the eunuch guy locked a wizard in a box? And now he's gonna get revenge on him by keeping him in that box and feeding him carrots??? And that's how you spell "eunuch"?!?!?

Can We Please Talk About Jamie Lannister Now???
Chop suey!

Holey moley. Sad that he got chopped, but how amazing was it that they hung his hand around his neck. That's pretty demoralizing. I kinda wanted him to eat his own hand. 

Unpopular Opinion Alert
Quick segue about this whole BOSTON STRONG stuff. Look, the events that took place in Boston were obviously tragic. Horrible. Sad. Ridiculous. But enough of this YOU MESS WITH BOSTON, WE'RE GONNA GET YOU stuff. I mean, shut uppppppppp. This has nothing to do with Boston. This has nothing to do with HOW STRONG BOSTON IS. This has to do with two buttheads who committed a heinous act that just so happened to take place in Boston. If this occurred in Des Moines, Iowa, or Snellville, Georgia, or Kings mothafuckin Landing, people would've worked just as hard to apprehend the suspects and figure stuff out. So enough with the Facebook candles and the Boston Strong and all that bullisht, Boston is a fine place, filled with nice people and dickheads and buttfaces, just like every other place in the world. Sorry. I love clam chowder. 

This Week's Mome That Reminds Me That I Would Not Survive One Day in Game of Fronesville
There's so much mud everywhere!

I went to a John Legend concert last week (it was outdoors and the tickets were free, okay?) and the entire place where the concert took place was COVERED in mud. Especially the hot dog tent. I was tip-toeing around that jawn trying not to get my precious new Vans dirty (because there is NOTHING in this world worse than getting your new sneaks dirty) and you know what? They got dirty! And I was crabby all night long. That's not even true, Jon Legend's sweet voice calmed me down, but still. Too much mud! Too much mud! Too much mud! 

Oh My God Is There Anything Else I Need to Talk About?
Yes! 

Let's have a boob off!



Whose Boobs Do You Prefer???

There's absolutely no way that poll worked.

(Evster's note: These polls are the fucking worst. They never work. But thank you for trying. I love you.)


  


Did you know John Legj went to Penn??? It's true and WHO CARESSSSS??? Speaking of who cares, I think I'm gonna take some reader questions and answer them in a post soon. It seems like that's something to do, right? I did it once and it was a moderate success. So send in your questions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com and I promise to answer every single one in a post. YEP. EVERY SINGLE ONE. EVEN IF THEY'RE DUMB. AND THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY GONNA BE DUMB. GOD I HOPE SOMEONE EMAILS ME. Oh my God who cares??? Just check out this ridiculous lava lake in the Congo. That's what I'd do. 


19 comments:

  1. Still don't watch Game of Dongs, but here I am, commenting anyway.

    Holla atcha boy, Enrico.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AT THIS POINT YOU'RE JUST DOING IT TO KEEP DA STREAK ALIVE.

      LIKE CAL RIPS.

      I ALWAYZ PREFERRED BILLY.

      Delete
  2. Game of Dongs, thats good. Not all (4) the readers of this blog can even afford the hobo channel to watch dong shows.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They actually haven't shown a dong in a while.

      Sad, really.

      Delete
  3. I'm hooked on this show. I think it's my fave show on TV. Thing I like least / don't understand about this season: who the hell is the little dude from Love Actually who is all of a sudden soul brothers with Bran? Did I miss something? Or has that simply not been explained yet?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It might've been explained, but I have a very hard time listening when anyone's talking. One guy got his hand cut off though. Also there's a guy who got mud all over him. It might be the same guy.

      Delete
    2. Bran's new traveling companions are Jojen and Meera Reed. The Reeds come from the swampy southern region of the North bordering the Riverlands. The show hasn't gone into their backstory yet, but there was a brief mention that their fathers, Ned Stark and Howland Reed, were buddies.

      Delete
    3. OMG WHAT WERE YOUR SAT SCORES?

      Delete
    4. Fuck you, Jeremy.

      Delete
  4. Also do you talk about book spoilers? I don't want to know any book spoilers. Only TV show stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Did you know tyrion's whore girlfriend used to be a turkish pornstar?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did not know that!

      Do you smell something?

      I think I smell something.

      A Wednesday Wifey soon?????

      Delete
  6. Um, you better watch what you say about Boston or the whole city will come to Philly and find you. You'll see how strong we are then, son.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OHHHHHHHH, I'M SO SCARED OF SULLY AND KELLY AND DANNY AINGE!!!!

      Delete
  7. For realz, every time I try to vote in one of your polls, the vote count decreases. (Poss it's because I'm a ghost?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These polls drive me BANANAS.

      I go to vote in them, it takes me like 37 clicks. One day it says that like 15 people voted in the poll (okay, 10) and then the next, 3.

      I think I might retire the polls.

      I SAID I THINK I MIGHT RETIRE THE POLLS.

      THAT'S SAD FOR ME.

      COMMENTER OF THE YEAR.

      Delete