Tuesday, April 30, 2013

OMG Get Over Yourself Don Drapes with that Stupid Remote Control

That kid's got pretty good posture.

You know what, Don Drapes? Shuttttt upppppppppp.

With your stinkin' remote control and your stupid, space age television. Who the hell had a remote control in 1968? How is that possible?

I know this Mad Men's Wearhouse show is supposed to be known for its accuracy, but there's no way people actually had remote control TVs back then, did they??? My family didn't get a remote control TV until like, 10 years ago, and yeah, I know, my family is totally retarded and my father grows his own grapefruits, but still. 1968? No way.

Based on some extensive research conducted at TVMWMWWMMWW headquarters, I have found that the top 3 things that kids did for fun back in 1968 were: playing with sticks, eating bread and playing with bread. You're tellin' me that little Bobby Draper gets to sit on his butt and change channels with a laser? How many channels do the Drapers even have? Shouldn't the remote at least have a cord or somethin'???

Ughghh. I hate white people.

This thing was perfectly fine for my family / totally sucked / who cares?

So I'm tryin' something new, here. SHORTER POSTS. Whaddya think? I don't really care. But what I do care about is you sending in your email questions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com for the next mailborg post. I promise to answer each and every one and I've already gotten many, many, many responses! (Three. I got three. So that's somethin'.)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Game of Frones Recap-a-Lapp-a-Dapp with Special Guest: Mr. Froggington

Ugh, this could be a difficult post to write today, because I was really sleepy while watching Game of Frogs last night, took very few notes and didn't really pay attention during the scenes when people were talking. (I was however LOCKED IN to the scenes featuring bare butts. And there were a lot of 'em!) So because of my sleepiness, I've asked my good pal and TV expert, Mr. Froggington, to help me give out the Best Game of Frones Momes.

Ready to do this, Mr. Froggington?


Most Bonkers Mome

EVSTER: I thought long and hard about this, Mr. Froggington, because even though last night's episode was kinda boring (need more Khaleesi!), it still had plenty of bonkers momes: Jon Snizzle losing his virginity (and performing cannalingus!), Jamie Lanns showin' off his balls (nice droopers!) and the introduction of a lady who collects dead babies (totally normal!). But I'm giving this week's award for the Most Bonkers Mome to the final scene, when Old Man Lannister told the midget and Whatsherface that they had to marry those people who they didn't wanna marry!

This is going to sound strange coming from a person who lacks very basic human emotions, but I found myself actually caring about the midget and that other lady in that mome! So now midget man has to marry Sourpuss McGee?!?! And Whatsherface has to marry a gay dude?!?! Sad for them! Do you think they'll go through with it, Mr. Froggington? Do frogs ever have arranged marriages? How are you able to type on a keyboard? With your feet? Oh, I've missed you so much, Mr. Froggington! You're a nice frog!

MR. FROGGINGTON: Look, I love talking about butts, boobs and dead babies as much as the next frog, but by far the most bonkers mome is the fact that I'm a frog and I'm actually typing on a computer. And I'm using correct punctuashe! That's pretty bonkers! Way more bonkers than any butt. Well, not any butt. Did you see the Lezbot's butt last night?! That was a nice butt!

Nicest Butt

EVSTER: On a night where Game of Butts might've set the record for most bare butts, there were a lot of butts to choose from: Jon Snow's butt (bleached butt), Angie Everhart Jr.'s butt (not a bad butt!), Jamie Lanns' butt (dirty butt!), young gay guy's butt (super duper smooth butt) and Lezbot's butt (BY FAR THE BEST BUTT). Dude, did you see her butt?!?! I was not expecting her butt to be so round and butt-like! I'm very happy for her that she has such a nice butt.

MR. FROGGINGTON: I just said she had a nice butt! Do you even read what I write? I'm a frog! You need to edit my work!

I seriously want a woman to beat the shit out of me. 

Saddest Mome

EVSTER: Why would I put the "Saddest Mome" award right after "Nicest Butt"? This post had some nice momentum goin', we were talking about butts, and now we have to switch gears to Saddest Mome? Ugh, I really need your help with this blogblog, Mr. Froggington. My brother told me this weekend that he tried to read one of my Frones posts and couldn't even get through the first paragraph. And that each post needs to be trimmed by around 75%. And also that I should pay more attention to my nephew. That's probably the Saddest Mome. 

MR. FROGGINGTON: Stop feeling sorry for yourself you fat butt! Your blog is fine! I mean, I don't read it, I'm a frog goddammit, but there's some people out there (lookin' at you, @Kunk7) who seem to really enjoy it. So shut up, get yourself a new butt and stop whining. PS my nephew was eaten by a fish when he was only three minutes old so don't tell me about saddest momes!

Nice job, lady!

Storyline that is Borrrinnnggggggggg

EVSTER: Ugh, what the freak was that lady with the baby jars talking about before she showed us her baby jars? That scene woulda been so much better if she was just like, "Hi, I'm a lady. I keep babies in jars," and then taken a baby out of jar and showed us its butt. You ever been to the Mütter Museum

MR. FROGGINGTON: No I've never been to the Mutter Museum, I'm a frog. And how the freak did you get that umlaut above the "u" in "Mutter"?

EVSTER: Option Ü, dawg!

MR. FROGGINGTON: I'm a frog! 

EVSTER: Option Ü, frog!


Mome Where I Had to Pause the Show and Ask My Wife Questions Because I Get Confused About Stuff

EVSTER: After Jamie Lanns took that bubble bath and told that dumb story (omg that story was longer than any TVMWWMWMW post). Although by the end of the story I realized that it was probably a really interesting story and my wife yelled at me 'cuz she knew I wasn't listening. I was so scared to ask her to pause it that I didn't even ask her to explain it to me until the end of the show. But ughghhhh, there was so much talking! And how was I supposed to concentrate right after seeing Jamie's balls? I love bubble baths, by the way. I need to start taking more bubblers. 

MR. FROGGINGTON: I totally understand what your brother is talking about. Dude, no one cares about your desire to take more bubblers! That's actually not true, I do care. I'm sorry. I'm just a little wound up this morning, because I'm a frog and I have trouble living in a world where foxes and snakes are constantly trying to eat me. 

This Week's Mome That Reminds Me That I Would Not Survive One Day in Game of Fronesville

EVSTER: Jamie Lanns' hand surgery! Ugh, I currently have two band-aids on my belly -- one from a biopsy of a mole that was sliced off last week at da dermotologist, and the other from where the band-aid from my biopsy ripped my skin off -- and they're really painful! Every morning my wife has to help me put my band-aids on because they get stuck to my fingers and I end up wasting like four band-aids. 

MR. FROGGINGTON: Ugh, that reminds me, I gotta make a dermatologist appointment. How do I do that? I'm a frog.

Oh My God Is There Anything Else We Need to Talk About???

EVSTER: I completely forgot about the full frontal!!!

MR. FROGGINGTON: That was a nice front!

EVSTER: Was it? I couldn't really tell!

MR. FROGGINGTON: Me neith! But I appreciate all fronts!

EVSTER: Game of Fronts!

MR. FROGGINGTON: Awesome blog, dawg!

EVSTERThanks, frog!

So this Lil Dicky video above is really funny. Like, really really funny, and good, and has like a million YouTube views. It was made by this dude who used to be a camper of one of my coworkers at one of those Jewish summer camps where kids learn how to French kiss at like 8 years old. I never went to one of those camps and feel like my ability to make out with chicks was greatly stunted. Of course I made up for that later when I realized I had a mega cock. Anyway, watch the vid. Or don't, and just read my previous post with Mr. Froggington here. Or just check out this picture of me disrobing at the dermatologist's office. Warning: IT'S SEXY AS HELL AND YOUR TITS MAY EXPLODE.

Friday, April 26, 2013

I Wrote a Jawn for The 700 Level About Da Penn Relays

Dats whuh I'm talkin' bout, yo!

Read dat jawn here, son!

Or go get some fried shrimps!

That's prolly the better move.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Game of Frones Recap-a-Lapp-Dapp S:3 Ep:2-4 Khaleesi Killin' Em, Dawg!


Sentence about how bonkers Game of Frones is. WORDS IN ALL CAPS TO SHOW JUST HOW BONKS I THINK IT IS. Joke about how much my wife hates my guts. Thesis statement introducing what this post is gonna be about. Joke about how I'm not sure what a thesis statement is. Another joke about my butt. Joke about killing myself. Picture of a butt.


Let's recap the last few eps of GAME OF FRONES!!!

Shaka Smart got played, son!

Most Bonkers Mome
Remember a few weeks ago when I said I wasn't that into the whole dragons thing? (There's no way you remember that. I'm not even sure if I ever mentioned it. WHO CARESSS?!?!?) 




True story alert! When I was a teacher for four years (FOUR OF THE MOST MISERABLE YEARS OF MY LIFE), every single day that I pulled into that dumb school parking lot I prayed that the school would be on fire. EVERY SINGLE DAY. And it never happened. And THAT MADE ME SAD. Well, guess what? Just last week, the school where I used to teach WAS BURNED TO THE GROUND! BY A STUDENT! THAT'S NOT INTERESTING AT ALL AND I'M NOT SURE WHY I SHARED IT. 


What a move by Khaleesi! For those of you who don't watch, basically this blonde lady with very milky boobs pulled off a double-bubble switch-a-roo jing-jang on this guy and took control OF EVERYTHING. Possibly the greatest mome in GAME OF FRONES history? 

Other super bonkers momes:

- Ned Stark gettin got
- Jamie Lanns gettin chopped! 
- Bran gettin thrown out da window

Also, Bran's full name is actually Brandon??? God that's dumb. Who caresss??? 

Storyline That is Borrrrinnngggggggg
Bran's stupid three-eyed crow dreams. WHO CARESSSSSSSS??? Unless this has some sort of bonkers payoff like a three-eyed crow pecking a guy's face off, I've seen enough of Bran and his dumb dream sequences. Also, did you realize that the little dorkbutt who recently captured Bran is the little shitbag drummer from Love Actually????


The Mayor Carcetti Memorial "That Guy's On This Show?!" Award
With all apologies to the little shitbag from Love Actually, and Theon Grayjoy's horse (who happens to be the same horse from Hot to Trot), did you realize who the dude who transports his eyes into animal eyes was?????

Assistant to the Regional Manager

Ummmmmmm ...

I KNOW!!!!

Saddest Mome
In the last three episodes -- THE LAST THREE EPISODES -- there has been no "N for Nudity" thingie at the beginning of the show! It's to the point where my wife muttered, "I don't even wanna watch this anymore," at the beginning of last week's ep. Now, I don't know if the folks at HBO are trying to legitimize the show or something, but come onnnnnnnnnn. Also, I'm no mathematician, but there was DEFINITELY nudity during the scene where that guy got to have sex with three prostitutes!

And that guy clearly has a wonder-dick, right? Or has some sort of magic powers? OH MY GOD WHO CARES?

And then there was the lady who did the crab walk and showed everybody her vagina. That got me thinking, is that even attractive? I mean, if a woman did a crab walk toward me and showed me her vagina, would I want to have sex with her in crab walk position? The answer is yes. The answer is obviously yes. Of course it's yes. Absolutely. What? Yes. I want to have crab walk sex. I feel like I would be really good at it. I feel like it's the only thing that I would be legitimately good at. 

Mome Where I Had to Pause the Show and Ask My Wife Questions Because I Get Confused About Stuff
So hold up, the eunuch guy locked a wizard in a box? And now he's gonna get revenge on him by keeping him in that box and feeding him carrots??? And that's how you spell "eunuch"?!?!?

Can We Please Talk About Jamie Lannister Now???
Chop suey!

Holey moley. Sad that he got chopped, but how amazing was it that they hung his hand around his neck. That's pretty demoralizing. I kinda wanted him to eat his own hand. 

Unpopular Opinion Alert
Quick segue about this whole BOSTON STRONG stuff. Look, the events that took place in Boston were obviously tragic. Horrible. Sad. Ridiculous. But enough of this YOU MESS WITH BOSTON, WE'RE GONNA GET YOU stuff. I mean, shut uppppppppp. This has nothing to do with Boston. This has nothing to do with HOW STRONG BOSTON IS. This has to do with two buttheads who committed a heinous act that just so happened to take place in Boston. If this occurred in Des Moines, Iowa, or Snellville, Georgia, or Kings mothafuckin Landing, people would've worked just as hard to apprehend the suspects and figure stuff out. So enough with the Facebook candles and the Boston Strong and all that bullisht, Boston is a fine place, filled with nice people and dickheads and buttfaces, just like every other place in the world. Sorry. I love clam chowder. 

This Week's Mome That Reminds Me That I Would Not Survive One Day in Game of Fronesville
There's so much mud everywhere!

I went to a John Legend concert last week (it was outdoors and the tickets were free, okay?) and the entire place where the concert took place was COVERED in mud. Especially the hot dog tent. I was tip-toeing around that jawn trying not to get my precious new Vans dirty (because there is NOTHING in this world worse than getting your new sneaks dirty) and you know what? They got dirty! And I was crabby all night long. That's not even true, Jon Legend's sweet voice calmed me down, but still. Too much mud! Too much mud! Too much mud! 

Oh My God Is There Anything Else I Need to Talk About?

Let's have a boob off!

Whose Boobs Do You Prefer???

There's absolutely no way that poll worked.

(Evster's note: These polls are the fucking worst. They never work. But thank you for trying. I love you.)


Did you know John Legj went to Penn??? It's true and WHO CARESSSSS??? Speaking of who cares, I think I'm gonna take some reader questions and answer them in a post soon. It seems like that's something to do, right? I did it once and it was a moderate success. So send in your questions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com and I promise to answer every single one in a post. YEP. EVERY SINGLE ONE. EVEN IF THEY'RE DUMB. AND THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY GONNA BE DUMB. GOD I HOPE SOMEONE EMAILS ME. Oh my God who cares??? Just check out this ridiculous lava lake in the Congo. That's what I'd do. 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Mad Men's Warehouse: Pretty Sure My Wife Wants to Bone Don Drapes

Nice venetians. 

So I finally got around to watching the first two episodes of Mad Men's Warehouse -- YEAH OBVIOUSLY EV, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT IT -- two episodes that my wife claimed were "the greatest eps in Mad Men historyyyy!"

Frankly, I was expecting something super bonkers to happen, like Joan having sex with every Harlem Globetrotter, but noooooooooooooo, she was only on screen for like five minutes (five incredible minutes I might add). Don Drapes on the other hand had lots of airtime, had sex like three times, while also getting angry, taking his shirt off, and oh okay okay okay, I get why my wife thought they were the greatest eps ever, now. I get it. This makes total sense. Total, total sense. Nothing has ever made more sense. Ever.

My wife's crush on Jon Hamm / Don Drapes / any dude who's not me is getting outta control. Between Hamm's manly hairy chest, to him standing up for Joan, to his SNL performance with Michael Bublé. to his recent leaked dick pics, this guy is starting to have a major effect on my marriage. In fact, there was one mome during the second ep where I literally watched my wife's tits shoot out of her bra while we watched. It was when Don was out to dinner with the Freaks and Geeks lady (BY THE WAY, HOW BOUT FREAKS AND GEEKS LADY) and she was complaining about feeling guilty about their affair and whether or not she wanted to continue sleeping with him. And Don was like, all serious, "Oh, I understand. You want to feel miserable up until the moment when I tear your dress off. Because that's what going to happen."

My wife must've rewound and replayed that scene around 17 times.

ME:  Dude, what are you doing?

DAR:  Sorry, I couldn't hear what he said. The dishwasher is too loud.

ME:  You're mouthing the words as he says them.

DAR:  It helps me concentrate.

ME:  I just received three emails to my PayPal account from Dilds.com.

DAR:  That's funny, I haven't been to that site since ...

ME:  It says you bought seven dilds.

DAR:  They make really nice dilds.

ME:  They really do.

DAR:  They also make hand dilds.

Honestly that looks like a very comfortable shirt. 

I mean, I get it. I get it. Don Drapes is manly. He has nice hands. He could probably open all sorts of jars. But aren't we supposed to hate him? I mean, he's a sick and disturbed and flawed man. Then again, maybe my wife is only attracted to sick, disturbed, flawed men. Geez, once again, this makes total sense. Writing this blog is like therapy. I've never seen life so clearly. Ever.

After the episode, my wife and I had a long and honest talk about cheating, and the best way to go about cheating in order to keep a relationship alive. (By the by, if I had to guess what percentage of relationships out there are unfaithful, I'd say 51%. Is that high? That seems high. Maybe that's low. Well, that's my guess.) And I was saying that I didn't want Megan to find out that Don was cheating. And I didn't want Trudy to find out that Pete was cheating (even though she knew all along). It's like, Megan loves her husband. Loves being married to Don. Loves life, loves smoking joints, loves fondue (FOR THE RECORD I ALSO LOVE FONDUE). So if Megan were to find out that Don was cheating, that would crush her! She would be devastated, her life flipped upside down, no more fondue parties! So what's the big deal with Don sniffin and diffin on the side? What you don't know, doesn't hurt you, right? Is that a saying? I think that's a saying. I honestly love fondue. I'm not afraid to shit my pants, guys. I'm totally not afraid.

I told my wife last night (point blizzank) that I would totally understand if she cheated on me one day. (CUE THE JOKES WHERE ALL OF YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND TOO. HA HA HA. OH YOU'RE SO FUNNY. YOU SHOULD START A BLOG, YOU KNOW THAT? SO YOU COULD WRITE ALL THESE JOKES DOWN. BLOGBLOG.BLOGBLOG. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT SITE IS STILL AVAILABLE.) Not that I want her to, or would be okay with it, but I would understand. I mean, life is long, lonnnnnggggggggggg duckkkkkkkkkk donnnnnggggggggggg, and temptations are tempting! (how's that for poetry?) and I don't think it means that anything is necessarily wrong with a relationship if a person chooses to be unfaithful. (Dar disagrees by the way.) And if my wife were to sleep with another dude (or woman! OR WOMAN!) I would definitely prefer it to be discreet and kept a secret from me. I wouldn't wanna know! Just do it, that's great, have your fun, but I like our relationship and like what we have together and hopefully I'd be okay with it even though I'd probably end up taking a revolver and shoving it down my throat and feeling the nice, cold, hard steel on my tonsils.

My wife on the other hand said that if I were to ever want to cheat -- AND I DON'T, HONEY, I DON'T -- that she would want me to tell her and see if we could come to some sort of an arrangement. Maybe we could, maybe we couldn't, but she feels as if it'd be respectful to at least be open and honest with her. Talk it out. (By the way, my wife LOVES talking things out.) But something tells me that wouldn't work. Here's how that conversashe would probably go:

ME:  Hey honey, wanted to talk to you about something real quick.

DAR:  Is it about your stupid fat face?

ME:  Ummm, sort of? It's just, I was kinda thinking ...

DAR:  I'll kill the bitch. What's her name?

ME:  What? No. Calm down.

DAR:  Oh, you want calm? You want a sister to be calm?

ME:  No, no. I mean, yes. Please stay calm. I love calm. We talked about this years ago, remember? You told me to be open with you, and ...

DAR:  It's that tall bitch that you work with, isn't it? The one with the hairy tits?

ME:  What? No. I work with a chick with hairy tits?

DAR:  I'm gonna chop her tits off. You ever seen anyone chop a person's tits off? 'Cuz I'm about to chop. How hairy are these tits?

ME:  I dunno, they're probably like, normally hairy. Wait, what?

DAR:  I'm gonna use the fucking knife that your ex-girlfriend gave us for our wedding. That's a good tit-carver. Would ya like that? Would you like that you fat Spanish slut?

ME:  No. No. I wouldn't like that. I would not like that. What are we talking about? Why would I like that?

No idea where I'm going with this, by the way. No idea.

That's the hottest old-ass lady I've ever seen
and yes I know she's not real
please stop trying to ruin my fun. 

So everyone cheats on this show, huh? And sometimes people get caught. And sometimes they don't. And sometimes people get hurt. And sometimes they don't. I mean, Trudy was hurt by Pete, but also probably relieved. Now she can get out of her relationship with that total shitbag. And Mr. Dr. Guy, whose wife is getting ABSOLUTELY MEGA-BOINKED by Don Drapes, maybe that's okay, because maybe he likes his wife, and she gets to have sex with some super hot manly guy with nice hands, while he gets to go to work and come home to a lady WHO STARRED IN FREAKS AND GEEKS OMG WHERE HAS SHE BEEN THE PAST 10 YEARS.

I dunno, guys, I dunno. I just know that as great as the last two episodes were, and as much as it started a dialogue between me and my wife and actually motivated me to write something for this blog that's been collecting dust for the past three weeks, I was still greatly disappointed that Joan only had FIVE STINKING MINUTES OF AIR TIME???






Last thing. Sally Drapes has turned into a real snot, hasn't she? I guess that's not surprising, though. I was riding the subway the other day when these two teenage snots got on the train and just started screaming stuff. They weren't even really screaming at anyone or anything, they were just screaming. I thought for sure they were gonna try and cut my tits off. Then they hopped off the train and started throwing rocks at things. These were real people. Real teenage people. They threw a rock at my window and then I started screaming. They seemed to be having the best time. This is my friend, Mr. Lizard Guy.

Monday, April 15, 2013

This Week's Top Google Searches That Led People to TVMWMWWMWM

This weekend my friend Midtown admitted to me that he has no idea what's going on with these #GoogSearches that I post on Twitter every day, so let me try to explain.

I have a blog. 

And because I have a blog, I can see stats (analytics, dawg!) that tell me what people put into Google that led them to click on TVMyWifeWatches.blogspots.coms. 

It's really not that complicated and frankly I'm a little embarrassed for Midtown that I had to explain it to him. In fact, he might be the stupidest person I know. It should also be mentioned that this past weekend at a bachelor party in Lake Tahoe, Mid got hammered, tried to convince people to ski into a lake, and then passed out at 7pm in his wet bathing suit. 

So without further adieuuuuuu, here are the latest and greatest #GoogSearches that real, live human beings typed into their dumb, stupid computers, and then clicked on a link to get to the stupidest blog on the internet. 

In other news, I am finally free to do some blorging. Unfortunately, I'm currently two weeks behind on Game of Frones and Mad Mens Warehouse (but totally caught up on Antiques Roadshow). I look forward to getting back to blogging real soon / moving to Nova Scotia and never talking to any of you ever again. 

Monday, April 8, 2013

I Haven't Watched Frones or Mad Men's Warehouse Yet, So Here's a Picture of a Frog

Frog frog frog frog frog!

I'm sorry, I really am.

I'm currently working on a big project at work and haven't had a chance to watch all of our favourite TV shows yet. I apologize from the bottom (the very very very bottom, like the pit, like the bloody, disgusting, slimy pit) of my heart. I love you and miss you all. (Except you, Philly Phoodie. You're a slut and I hate you.)

Monday, April 1, 2013

Game of Frones: S:3 Ep:1 Recap-a-lapp-a-dapp

This isnt' even a good picture!
And it gets top billing?

Game of Frones! Game of Frones! Game of Frones! Game of Froooooonnnnneeeeessssssss!

(Honestly I thought Sundee's ep was a little boring.)

Oh my gawd no it wasn't!

There was blood and there were frones and there were titties and sunburn and wolf attacks and a lady dumping shit out of a window -- geez, when you start to actually think about what happened, you realize just how bonks this show really is -- and last night was just a set-up episode!

All right, set-up episode or not (and I don't even know a "set-up episode" is, but my wife called it that and that sounds like something), let's take a look back at some of the most bonkers momes from the season three premiere set-up ep of GAME OF FRONGS.

Most Bonkers Mome
It's pretty unbelievable that on a show where the opening scene featured a dead guy holding his own head, that this would NOT be the most bonkers mome, but I'm giving the "Most Bonkers Mome" to the mome where that guy cut that other's guy's nipple off. I mean, even if you don't watch this show, and are just reading this blog because you find the author to be increddddddddibly sexy, you gotta be like, "Uhhhhhh, what? A dude cut someone's nipple off?" and the answer would be, "Yes. Yes he did." Sliced it right off. Totally normal TV show. Just one guy cutting another guy's nipple off. Because that's what people do on this show, and apparently men don't need nipples. In other news, this weekend my friend Emily tried to tell me that Nurse Jackie is totally worth watching.

#GoogSearch: Game of Frones Nipple Army

Saddest Mome
Ridiculous that a guy getting his nipple cut off would not also be awarded the "Saddest Mome," but there were two momes that I thought were even sadder. One, when the midget guy's dad was all mean to him, that was sad. And two, and even sadder, was when that other guy got interrupted when he was trying to rip that prostitute's panties off with his teeth!

Ughghghghghhhgh. Now I've never been interrupted right before I was about to eat a prostitute's underwear, but I have been in many many many similar sad situations. For example, last night I was having this mega-hot dream where Kandi from Real Housewives of Atlanta was about to jerk me off while sticking a gun in my mouth, and she was slowwwwly tracing the hard barrel of the revolver around my lips, and gennnnttttlllyyyy guiding the cold steel into my mouth, and then my Dad walked in and was like, "Ev, I need help with my printer," and I was like, "Uhhh, Dad, got a little gun play goin on here," and he was like, "Yeah, I think maybe I have the wrong cord or something," and then Kandi kissed me on the forehead and whispered, "You're a prude," and walked away and then I ended up at mall with a bunch of giraffes eating Cinnabons while talkin' about getting our ears pierced at Piercing Pagoda.

Mome Where I Had to Pause the Show and Ask My Wife Questions Because I Get Confused About Stuff
When Mr. Tom Hanks Castaway Guy was rescued from that rock and the dudes on the boat were like, "Who do you serve?" and he was like, "I serve Stanislav Gorathian! Protector of THE REALM," I had to ask my wife who the hell Vlanislav Vorathian was and she was like, "Ughghghgh, he's Robert's brother," and I was like, "Oh," but then I was like, "Who?" and she was like, "Ughghghghghghghh, he's the Lord of Dorvsdale!" and I was like, "Oh, right right right right righttttt. Wilson?" and she was like, "The lady with the smoke pussy!" and I was like, "Ohhhhhhh, okay, okay, okay, you can press play now," and then I asked her if she wanted to watch Castaway and she divorced me.

Mome That Shoulda Been a Longer Mome
How 'bout that giant guy! What was his deal? Can he talk? Is he sweet? Is he sensitive? I wanna know more! This show is so stupid!

Sad for him!

Scorpion Ball?
That's not even a mome! But what the hell was that? A little girl plays with a bocce ball that has a killer scorpion inside and the girl can zorp other places in the blink of an eye and also she's trying to kill the Dragon Lady? How is this a show? Is it even good? I honestly have no idea at this point. I love those wolves though. You think that giant guy could eat his own face? Who cares!

Mome When I Stopped Writing This Blog Because It's 9:00 at Night in my Office and This Guy I Work With is Still Here and He's Blasting Flamenco Music and I Wanna Go Home
Right now!

I'm walkin' awayyyyyyyy ...

Yo, no joke, Craig David is my JAWN. How is he not more famous? Speaking of famous, check out this enormous rabbit. He's not famous either. Sorry enormous rabbit. You should be more famous, too. I love you.