Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Bachelor Finale: Have Fun At Church, Cath-Cath

The old San Antonio Sniff Job.

Anyone who went into last night's rose ceremony thinking Catherine was gonna win this thing is a goddamn liar.


More importantly ...


You know damn well that you fell for the producers' tricks -- leading us to believe that Cath-Cath was crumbling on national television -- and you bought it, YOU TOTALLY BOUGHT IT. Be honest, you thought Sean would pick Lindsay and her skimpy pink shorts that perfectly outlined her urethra.




So what the hell happ'd???

That's why you come to TVMWWWMWMW! To get the breakdown shakedown tiggy-tiggy takedown (not a thing) on what went wrong for Lindsay, what she could've done right, and what's in store for Cath-Cath now that she's marrying into the Christ family.

I would like to make a toast ...
to bright colored clothing and picking out my father's undershirts.

First up, Linds, who easily could've won if she did two minor, little things on her last date with Sean.


So simple, so easy, so undeniably awesome. All she had to do was take her shorts, jam them into her ass crack, and boom!, she woulda got a fiancé. What man could resist that? No man could. Nooooooo mannnnnnn coulddddddddd.

2) During their cuddle-sesh, Lindsay told Sean, "I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you," and then left it at that, missing a golden opportunity to follow it up by saying that she'd kill herself.

It has been well, well, well documented that Sean is a major pushover. Anytime a woman came to him with a problem, he felt guilty and kept her around. He did it with Tierra. He did it with some other chick. And he woulda done it with a suicidal maniac. So why not take advantage? There is NO WAY that Sean would've been able to live with the guilt of Lindsay killing herself. "If I lost you Sean, I would kill myself." Looks him deep in the eyes. "I. Would. Kill. Myself." Such a simple phrase. So underutilized.

When I was in my early twenties, I dated a whack job and tried to break up with her so I could spend more time with my friends smoking weed and playing video games. But she legitimately wouldn't let me. I was like, "I don't think this is working out. I need space," and she was all, "No," and I was like, "What?," and she was all, "I'm not letting you break up with me," and then we had sex and continued our miserable relationship for around another year. That isn't exactly a perfect analogy as to what happened with Sean, but I'm also not quite sure what analogies are. I also think that lady might still have my copy of Three Amigos.

Google search: "Pink Jawns" 

Admit it, when Sean gave Cath-Cath that kiss of death on her forehead, you though she was donnnnne. No one recovers from a kiss on the forehead. I once tried to do the exact same thing while breaking up with a different girl and she ended up putting a knife to my throat. Then I calmed her down and got control of the knife, and then we had sex 'cuz we were way into knife play.

Kind of amazing how Catherine went from having a major meltdown the night before the proposal to being cool as a cuke the day of. Luckily for you, TVMWMWWWW's Lead Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs, was able to get her hands on a copy of last night's unaired footage. The following is an actual transcript of the conversashe that took place between Cath-Cath and Chris Harrison right after she arrived at the final rose ceremony:

CHRIS HARRS: Catherine, why so calm?

CATH-CATH: Dunno, got a good feeling, that's all.

CHRIS HARRS: No, seriously.

CATH-CATH: Just feeling good. I can't really explain it.


CATH-CATH: We just drove by Lindsay on the way here and she was crying by the side of the road and throwing her shoes at cars. She's got a nice arm!

Nee "Lipschutz"

QUICK BREAK TO TALK ABOUT NEIL LANE: Not nearly enough of Neil the Real Deal on last night's ep. How hard would it have been to include him in the scene when Sean was shirtless and getting ready for his big day? Sean, in just a towel, rubbing lotion all over his chest, and the Real Deal right next to him, towel hanging off his dork, slapping whiskey all over his. C'mon Bach producers! It's not hard to think of this stuff! C'monnnnnnnn!

So welcome to the family, Cath-Cath.

I imagine Sean's brother-in-law is very excited to have you, especially because he's gonna try to sleep with all of your sisters. How could he not? His wife has a HORRIBLE sense of style and Cath's sisters are BONKS. Also, can we please talk about the fact that Cath played 6th grade football???

My head would've friggin' exploded if I was ever matched up against a chick like Cath. I could see 6th-grade me diving on the pile well after plays were whistled dead and pressing my 6th-grade dork (which was VERY SUBSTANTIAL thank you very much) right into her back / butt / front.

Sean's dad really is the nicest person ever, too. You can't help but love him even though his daughter clearly picks out his clothes for him. But there's something not quite right about him, right? In fact, there's something not quite right about the entire family. I think they like each other wayyyyy too much.

I've always considered it a MAJOR red flag if a family enjoys hanging out together as much as the Christs seem to. The last time my family got together, my father let my brother's dog outside without a leash and the dog almost ran away. So my brother and his wife spent the next half hour taking turns calling my father a "dipshit." My dad was all right with it though, probably because he had a plate full of brisket. When my dad's hungry, it's pretty much impossible to engage him in anything. I think my mom might've thrown a spoon at my head that same night because I put my sneaks on her couch. For the record, my brother's dog is a total dipshit. He once ate my mom's flip phone.

Don't be fooled. This dog will eat your phone. 

And so ends another seez of America's favourite game show. Do I hope that Sean and Cath end up being happy together? I guess so. Do I approve of Des as the next Bachelorette? Not really. Her tang-tangs are way too small. Do I hate when people ask themselves questions? Actually, I'm surprisingly okay with it.

So our Monday nights are free once again!

I'm gonna spend mine searching YouTube for goat videos.

Here's one of a goat yelling like a man.

And here's that same goat singing with Usher.

You're welcome.

So what now? GAME OF FRONES starts March 31st. And I'm guessing that Mad Mens Warehouse comes back soon, too. And now that I have a little free time, maybe I'll get back into Wednesday's Wifeys. And also, who gives a shit? Here's something though, it's another goat. One who was recently hired for a Broadway production of Annie Get Your Goat. Check it outtttttttttttt.


  1. I 100% thought Lindzers was going to win, DESPITE what I knew from that unaired footage I had already watched. Anyway, pretty sad that a boring girl got dumped by a boring guy for a boring girl.

    Also, I'm pretty pissed off that Chris Harrison promised me something along the lines of "the most romantic moment in Bachelor history" and I still don't know what it was supposed to be.


    2. MORE REAL DEAL. I want him shopping for shrubbery for his house. I want him learning to make ice sculptures.

  2. "Whachu gonna do with one shoelace? Let me in on the secret. Floss your ass? Haha, gotta go!"


  3. Also, we need to determine the rounds of the quiz according to it.
    *Rounds table format. 28.

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