This blorg is fast becoming a place for just animal pictures and #GoogSearches, but look, I'm busy, I really am. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I've got all sorts of isht going on at work and outside of work and oh my God whooooo carrreeeesssssss, Evvvvvvvvvv, let's just get to the best #GoogSearches of da week!!!
Once again, these are things that human beings actually typed into their computers, that brought them to the internet's biggest pile of dogshit.
Awwwwww man, that last one is my favourite of all time -- (the animal) -- amazing.
All right, if you wanna see more of these #GoogSearches, you can check 'em out here. Or follow me on Twitter where I post a new jawn every morning. Okie dokie, I'll see you guyz later. I love all of you. Not really, but it sounded nice. And don't forget that GAME OF FRONES starts this Sundee!!! Also check out this dragon car! Vroom vrooooommmmmm!!!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
|I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT THE HELL |
IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW!!!
Oh my God, shutttttt uppppppppp.
Whatever you're doing or saying doesn't matter because as of this Sundee, GAME OF FRONES IS BACKKKKKK!!! If you don't watch Game of Frones then you are SO DUMB and SO FAT and need to SHUTTTTT UPPPPPPP for like 5 minutes of your STUPID, DUMB, FAT LIFE, OH MY GOD DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING IT'S HONESTLY DISTURBING.
Of course, Frones hasn't been on for the longest time, so like you, I have absolutely no idea where the show left off. BUT HAVE NO FEAR faithful dumb, fat TVMWWWWMMW readers, together, you (a fat dumb jerk) and me (a sexual ASSASSIN), will spend the next 5 minutes together trying to recall what the freak was going on. And no, we're not gonna go back and rewatch clips from the old seez, and we're not gonna #GoogSearch anything, we're just gonna pick a few main characters and see what comes to mind.
YOU ARE THE FATTEST DUMBEST PERSON I'VE EVER SEEEENNNNNNNN.
|Is that a Le Car?|
The Midget Guy -- Okay, okay, let's see, last I remember he shot some mega atomic lava bomb at some ships and blew up the ocean. GREAT move by the way, but SAD FOR THE FISHIES. Then I think someone took a knife and cut his face off. That's ALSO SAD. I liked his face, even though it's well, y'know, one of those faces. I also think the Midget Guy might've been banished from THE REALM, but he still has his whore girlfriend who seems to be a very very very nice woman and nothing like the DISGUSTING, FAT, WONDERFUL whores who I have given my DECENT, HARD-EARNED PAYCHECKS TO TIME AND TIME AGAIN AND FOR WHAT? FOR WHAT I ASK YOU? Honestly, I don't like the direction this blog is starting off on, but I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. This show is BONKERSSSSSSSSS.
Dragon Lady -- Ughghhghghghgh, the dragon egg stuff is the one storyline from GAME OF FRONES that I think is just dumbbbbbbbb, very similar to how I feel about youuuuuuuuuuuuu and your fattttttttttt, disgustinggggggggg, dummmbbbb butttttttttttt. I mean, I love Khaleesi (who also happens to be dating Seth MacFarlane in real life SHOUT OUT @SARACIRCS FOR BRINGING THAT TO MY ATTENSH), and I loved seeing her bare-skinned yorblers in the first seez, but all that dragon stuff is stupid / kind of amazinggggggggggggg!!! So now she has legit dragons??? And is sailing across the ocean or something??? Which I believe is something that KAI DRABLAK would NOT have approved of, BECAUSE HIS HORSIES WERE SCARED OF THE WATER, but he's dead, remember? And some guys ate his heart or something OH MY GAWD WHAT THE FREAK IS THIS SHOW TALKING ABOUT I HONESTLY HOPE THEY HAVE ANOTHER SCENE WHERE KHALEESI WASHES HER FRESH, GOLDEN, DISGUSTING HAIR.
John Snow aka THE DUMB VIRJ -- Ughhgghgghghghgh! It was hard enough to watch Sean the Bach be a born again virgj all seez, now we've got to deal with John Snizzle and his dumb, flaccid, underused dork that kept him from protecting THE REALM. Ugh, he's so dumb and got captured by that redheaded jawn who led him to Kamala the Ugandan Headhunter and get ready for this, are you ready for this, my wife actually finds John Snizzy to be VERY attractive. UGHGHGHGHGGHHHH. I think it's because he's just a dumb, fat, disgusting virgj and she wants to teach him THE WAYS OF THE WORLD because my wife is VERY VERY COMPASSIONATE and knows a thing or two about this world ifyaknowwhaimean!
HEY GUYZ, BY THE BY, WHADDYA THINK OF THIS NEW WRITING STYLE? I'M HOPPED UP ON SO MUCH COCAINE RIGHT NOW JK NO I'M NOT JK YES I AM OMG NO I'M NOT I'M A NICE PERSON SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME TO SAY SUCK MY BUTTTTTTTT TO MY GOOD FRIEND @JESSEFEDERMAN THOUGH!
In fact, if you consider yourself a true, true, true TVMWMWWMWWW superfan, please please please feel free to go to @JesseFederman and tweet him to SUCK YOUR BUTTTTTTTTTTT.
BACK TO DA FRONES.
|HE'S SO MADDDDDDDD ABOUT MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING|
Joffrey the King of all Kings! -- Ohhhhhhh, baby, how did it take me this long to talk about THIS GUY? What the freak is he up to right now? Is he gay? I kinda remember him being gay, like, didn't he jam a musket into a lady's WHOA THERE EVSTER, but that happened, right? I'm not making that up. Wow, what a sick, twisted perv. Normally I would applaud such behaviour -- NO I WOULDN'T, CALM DOWN. By the way, my worf was NOT happy that I wrote about putting an actual human woman into a cage the other week, BUT WHAT'S DONE IS DONE, RIGHT? WHY WOULD ANYBODY BE INTERESTED IN READING THIS BLOG? ONLY THE FATTEST, DUMBEST, MOST FAT DUMB PERSON WOULD'VE READ THIS FAR.
Who else is on this show??? -- Jamie Lanns, he's a person, right? I think he's free. And oh! There's that mega lezbot lady! I wonder if she'll get to fuhhhhccccckkkkkk anyone this seez. And then there's the little shitbag who can't walk, he's a shitbag. NO HE'S NOT. HE'S SO SWEET. And his sister, she's the greatest! Not the dumb one who's married to Joff, the other one who practices sword fighting and shit. OH, AND THERE'S THE GUY WHOSE FACE CHANGES. HOLY SHITTTTTTTTT. AND HE HELPED WHATSHERNAME GET OUTTA THE CASTLE. THAT GUY WAS AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. And ready for this? My wife thinks that actually might be her sword fighting teacher! And I don't know why that's exciting but it is!
ARE ... YOU ... READY ... FOR ... THIS ... FUCKING SHOW ... I'M ... SO ... READY ... OH ... MY ... GOD ... LET'S ... ALL ... FUCK ... YOU'RE ... HONESTLY ... SO ... FUCKING ... DUMB ... BUT ... I ... LOVE ... ALL ... OF ... YOU ... NOT ... YOU ... THOUGH ... @MEECHONE ... CUZ ... YOU ... BAILED ... ON ... ME ... JK ... YOU'RE COOL ... EVERYONE'S COOL ... LETS ... ALL ... GO ... TO ... A ... FUCK ... PALACE ... GOTTA ... BE ... ONE ... IN ... SOUTH ... JERZ ... SOMEWHERE ... RIGHT?
HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE WHITE WALKERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Dog, if you want MORE MORE MORE Game of Frones posts, here are all my jawns from last seez. And if you want something that doesn't suck nearly as hard, here's a picture of the two cutest goddamn giraffes you'll ever see.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
TVMWW is on Vacashe -- So Here's A Few Vids For You, Including The Return of David Brent from The Office!!!
|The designers really hit it on the head when they |
decided to call high-waisted shorts "high-waisted shorts."
Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers, I'm currently packing my bags for sunny California -- boooooo!!! I don't even like the sun!!! boooooo!!! I have to go to a weddding!!! boooooo!!! weddings are dumb jk I kinda like them!!! -- so in my absence, here are a few videos for you to watch while I'm busy getting skin cancer.
First, David Brent is back!
Ten years after the conclusje of The Office, Ricky Gervais reprised (reprised? I'm using words like reprised now?) his role as David Brent for a 10 minute short made for UK's Comic Relief. A decade later, Brent is still slingin' cleaning products from the trunk of his car, and is now managing an up and coming rap artist's career. To be honest I haven't even finished watching it yet, because some jerk I work with interrupted me while I was checking it out yesterday and was all, "Evan, you're supposed to be doing work," and I was like, "Calm down, Mom," and he was all, "Excuse me?" and I was like, "You heard me," and he was all, "You're fired," and I was like, "No you're fired," and then neither of us said anything and we haven't really talked since and now I'm a little scared that I actually lost my job.
Regarbless, you can watch the whole jawn here.
And here's the actual music video from the short. Also, if anyone knows of any job openings, holla at your boy.
And here's another ridiculous music video from Turquoise Jeep that has nothing to do with Gervais, but is totally worth watching.
And here's the season 1 trailer for Christopher Guest's new HBO show, Family Tree!!!
All right, that should keep you busy for around 15 minutes.
See ya next week, when I'll be back with a Game of Frones preview, a Girls recap, and 700 other promises that I'll never follow through on. For now, I'm gonna go buy a new bottle of baby powder now for my trip. For the life of me, I don't know why people live in warm climates. Especially Los Angeles. What a silly place. And why are people in LA always wearing light jackets? It's not like it gets ever cold there. I do like a nice avocado though. Maybe they have iron deficiencies?
Posted by Evan at 10:42 AM
Friday, March 15, 2013
Last week's edish.
Last last week's.
Last of the Moheeks.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
|The old San Antonio Sniff Job.|
Anyone who went into last night's rose ceremony thinking Catherine was gonna win this thing is a goddamn liar.
DON'T LIE TO ME.
More importantly ...
DONT LIE TO YOURSELF.
You know damn well that you fell for the producers' tricks -- leading us to believe that Cath-Cath was crumbling on national television -- and you bought it, YOU TOTALLY BOUGHT IT. Be honest, you thought Sean would pick Lindsay and her skimpy pink shorts that perfectly outlined her urethra.
BUT HE DIDN'T.
AND YOU'RE A LIAR.
A FILTHY, DISGUSTING, PIG OF A LIAR.
So what the hell happ'd???
That's why you come to TVMWWWMWMW! To get the breakdown shakedown tiggy-tiggy takedown (not a thing) on what went wrong for Lindsay, what she could've done right, and what's in store for Cath-Cath now that she's marrying into the Christ family.
|I would like to make a toast ... |
to bright colored clothing and picking out my father's undershirts.
First up, Linds, who easily could've won if she did two minor, little things on her last date with Sean.
1) SHE SHOULD'VE USED THOSE SHORTS TO FLOSS HER ASS.
So simple, so easy, so undeniably awesome. All she had to do was take her shorts, jam them into her ass crack, and boom!, she woulda got a fiancé. What man could resist that? No man could. Nooooooo mannnnnnn coulddddddddd.
2) During their cuddle-sesh, Lindsay told Sean, "I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you," and then left it at that, missing a golden opportunity to follow it up by saying that she'd kill herself.
It has been well, well, well documented that Sean is a major pushover. Anytime a woman came to him with a problem, he felt guilty and kept her around. He did it with Tierra. He did it with some other chick. And he woulda done it with a suicidal maniac. So why not take advantage? There is NO WAY that Sean would've been able to live with the guilt of Lindsay killing herself. "If I lost you Sean, I would kill myself." Looks him deep in the eyes. "I. Would. Kill. Myself." Such a simple phrase. So underutilized.
When I was in my early twenties, I dated a whack job and tried to break up with her so I could spend more time with my friends smoking weed and playing video games. But she legitimately wouldn't let me. I was like, "I don't think this is working out. I need space," and she was all, "No," and I was like, "What?," and she was all, "I'm not letting you break up with me," and then we had sex and continued our miserable relationship for around another year. That isn't exactly a perfect analogy as to what happened with Sean, but I'm also not quite sure what analogies are. I also think that lady might still have my copy of Three Amigos.
|Google search: "Pink Jawns"|
Admit it, when Sean gave Cath-Cath that kiss of death on her forehead, you though she was donnnnne. No one recovers from a kiss on the forehead. I once tried to do the exact same thing while breaking up with a different girl and she ended up putting a knife to my throat. Then I calmed her down and got control of the knife, and then we had sex 'cuz we were way into knife play.
Kind of amazing how Catherine went from having a major meltdown the night before the proposal to being cool as a cuke the day of. Luckily for you, TVMWMWWWW's Lead Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs, was able to get her hands on a copy of last night's unaired footage. The following is an actual transcript of the conversashe that took place between Cath-Cath and Chris Harrison right after she arrived at the final rose ceremony:
CHRIS HARRS: Catherine, why so calm?
CATH-CATH: Dunno, got a good feeling, that's all.
CHRIS HARRS: No, seriously.
CATH-CATH: Just feeling good. I can't really explain it.
CHRIS HARRS: Cath-Cath?
CATH-CATH: We just drove by Lindsay on the way here and she was crying by the side of the road and throwing her shoes at cars. She's got a nice arm!
QUICK BREAK TO TALK ABOUT NEIL LANE: Not nearly enough of Neil the Real Deal on last night's ep. How hard would it have been to include him in the scene when Sean was shirtless and getting ready for his big day? Sean, in just a towel, rubbing lotion all over his chest, and the Real Deal right next to him, towel hanging off his dork, slapping whiskey all over his. C'mon Bach producers! It's not hard to think of this stuff! C'monnnnnnnn!
So welcome to the family, Cath-Cath.
I imagine Sean's brother-in-law is very excited to have you, especially because he's gonna try to sleep with all of your sisters. How could he not? His wife has a HORRIBLE sense of style and Cath's sisters are BONKS. Also, can we please talk about the fact that Cath played 6th grade football???
My head would've friggin' exploded if I was ever matched up against a chick like Cath. I could see 6th-grade me diving on the pile well after plays were whistled dead and pressing my 6th-grade dork (which was VERY SUBSTANTIAL thank you very much) right into her back / butt / front.
Sean's dad really is the nicest person ever, too. You can't help but love him even though his daughter clearly picks out his clothes for him. But there's something not quite right about him, right? In fact, there's something not quite right about the entire family. I think they like each other wayyyyy too much.
I've always considered it a MAJOR red flag if a family enjoys hanging out together as much as the Christs seem to. The last time my family got together, my father let my brother's dog outside without a leash and the dog almost ran away. So my brother and his wife spent the next half hour taking turns calling my father a "dipshit." My dad was all right with it though, probably because he had a plate full of brisket. When my dad's hungry, it's pretty much impossible to engage him in anything. I think my mom might've thrown a spoon at my head that same night because I put my sneaks on her couch. For the record, my brother's dog is a total dipshit. He once ate my mom's flip phone.
|Don't be fooled. This dog will eat your phone.|
And so ends another seez of America's favourite game show. Do I hope that Sean and Cath end up being happy together? I guess so. Do I approve of Des as the next Bachelorette? Not really. Her tang-tangs are way too small. Do I hate when people ask themselves questions? Actually, I'm surprisingly okay with it.
So our Monday nights are free once again!
I'm gonna spend mine searching YouTube for goat videos.
Here's one of a goat yelling like a man.
And here's that same goat singing with Usher.
So what now? GAME OF FRONES starts March 31st. And I'm guessing that Mad Mens Warehouse comes back soon, too. And now that I have a little free time, maybe I'll get back into Wednesday's Wifeys. And also, who gives a shit? Here's something though, it's another goat. One who was recently hired for a Broadway production of Annie Get Your Goat. Check it outtttttttttttt.
|Artificial bulge clearly enhanced by having his hands in his pockets.|
Doing doing doing doing doing doing doing!
TVMWWWMWWMW recap to come later today or tomorrow or on the night before Thanksgiving, please don't rush me. (Calm down, it's not like you're goin' out that night anyway.)
Monday, March 11, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
I actually wouldn't mind seeing some recent pics of Steffi Grizzaf.
For last week's best, click here.
Also, this is the actual post that "tiger mauling" will bring you to.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
|Upper left-hand corner, totally incapable of paying attention to anything.|
Yo yo yow, everybody. I'm the Evster, and welcome to another edition of The Bachelor: AFTER the Women Tell All!
A crowd of around 50 or so dudes, all wearing football jerseys, pump their fists and make wolf calls. "Aahhwwwoooooo!!!" There are also three chicks in the audience who clap politely while looking around in horror. One guy pours vodka all over his body and sets himself on fire. Another dude is wearing an Edgerrin James University of Miami jersey. The Evster points to him and mouths, "nice jerz."
All right, quiet down, quiet down. Shut up. Just shut up. Well, as you all know, it's been a super lame seez of the Bach this year. Our Bach, who happens to be a born again virgj, had sex with zero women. He sent home the only legitimate black chick without ever even giving her a sniff, and he booted off Selma and her baboon butt right before heading down to Bikini Beach.
I know, I know. We'll get to sit down and hear from Sean in a little bit. But first, let's talk to the lady whose table-top titties stole everyone's heart ... Selma!
Selma walks out on stage in a low cut dress to uproarious applause. One guy's head literally explodes all over his dumb, fat face. The wolf calls are deafening. Selma takes a seat next to the Evster on his not so clean couch, and the Evster inches really, really, really close to her.
|Yo yo yow!|
EVSTER: My my my Selma, how you have grown.
SELMA: Thanks? Do I smell Brut?
EVSTER: Shhhhh, shut up. Just shut up. All right Selms, first of all, let's talk about last night. On what was most likely your last ever appearance on national television -- because let's face it, you're way too much of a prude to go on Bach Pad -- you wore a REALLY boring dress that covered up your yammers. What was that all about?
SELMA: Well Evster, I just felt like ...
EVSTER: You know what? No answer you give will be a good enough. Turns to crowd. Whaddya say we put her in the cage?!
CROWD: Put 'er in the cage! Put 'er in the cage! Put 'er in the cage!
Selma confusedly looks around while four giant black dudes wearing Cincinnati Bengals jerseys (possibly the actual Cincinnati Bengals' defensive line) come out and throw her into a cage. The cage is then hoisted above the audience as the crowd pelts her with meatballs. The three females in the audience grab their things and walk out, and are pelted with even bigger, saucier, meatballs.
Next up on the show is a total snooze, but a woman who I had to have on to discuss one thing in particular -- and when I say one thing, I mean one thing. Let's hear it for the one-armed lady!
The one-armed lady comes out to the sound of one guy clapping. He looks around sheepishly and whispers, "I've never seen the show. I'm sorry. Never seen it." A meatball hits him in the throat.
EVSTER: So how'd you lose the arm?
ONE-ARMED LADY: I was born like this.
EVSTER: No seriously, how'd ya lose the arm?
ONE-ARMED LADY: No really, it's a birth defect. Ever since I was born, I've had to ...
EVSTER: OH MY GAWD YOU ARE SO BORING. Here you are, on national TV, and you have a perfect opportunity to make up something cool, like, "It got eaten by a frog," or "I lost it in a bet," or "I traded it for a David Robinson rookie card." Ughhhhhhh.
ONE-ARMED LADY: But that's not the truth, and honesty is really important to me. I just want people to love me for who I am, because I think I'm a nice, smart, interestin...
EVSTER: LET'S BRING OUT THE DON'T-CARE-O-METER!
CROWD: Don't care! Don't care! Don't care! Don't care!
A dude carries out a clock that has a piece of masking tape placed over the 12 with the words "DON'T-CARE-O-METER" written over it. The Evster takes the clock hands and slowly pushes them both straight up towards 12. When they reach 12, the clock bursts into flames and explodes all over the one-armed lady's dumb, fat face.
CROWD: Don't care! Don't care! Don't care! Don't care!
|Edgerrin's kid is trying so hard to flash that peace sign!|
EVSTER: Our next guest was gonna be Brooke, who was by far the best contestant this year, but I'm really not sure how long this schtick can go on. So let's bring out the born-again virgj himself, Sean!
Sean walks out on stage, unbuttons his sport coat and takes a seat on the couch -- a giant fart noise is played when he sits down.
EVAN: Hey Sean, check that, Born-Again Virgj.
SEAN: All right Evster, if there's one thing about me that I won't have challenged, it's my character. And you've been calling me a born-again virgj all year. And I just wanted to tell you, that if you keep calling me ...
EVSTER: Sorry, what? I'm not paying attention. There's a caged woman with giant breasts suspended above us. This is amazing. How are we able to keep her up there? Pulleys? Do we have a pulley system? Who set up a pulley system? Did the Bengals do that? What a country.
SEAN: Look, I just wanted to say that if you call me a born-again virgj one more time, we're gonna have a problem.
EVSTER: Oh, really? You don't think I'll call you a born-again virgj to your face?
EVSTER: Okay ................ born-again virgj.
Sean flips over the couch, jumps on the Evster and beats him to a bloody pulp.
Well, no idea how that one's gonna be received, but if you're hankering for more legit Bach talk, check out me and Zoo With Roy's Bachcap® here. Or if you wanna read some sports stuff, here's a link to all five of the jawns I've written for the 700 Lev. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you could just look at something actually worth looking at, so here's a really nice penguin swimming.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
|Smang it, girl.|
OMGorbachev, Twitter is blowin' up after the latest Bachcap® from me and Zoo With Roy.
|Just the one retweet.|