|ZOOGIE ZOOGIE ZOO!|
7:00 - We are comin' at you LIVE from TVMWW headquarters, an hour before the 55th annual Gramma Lamma Ding Dongs! Here with me tonight is a giant glass of lemonade, and my wife who just told me she'd much rather watch Downton Abbey. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, DAR. We HAVE TO watch the Gramms, because YOU NEVER KNOW what's gonna happen. Will this be the year that Rihanna and Chris Brown tongue each other in the crowd? Will Lady Goggs give birth onstage? Will my wife allow me to eat any of the jambalaya that she's making for tomorrow night's Bach? The answer is no! I just tried to sneak a scoop and she just kicked me out of the kitchen! Luckily, E!'s red carpet show is on and J. Lo is showing A LOT of leg. Suddenly, I'm craving chicken.
7:06 - Now seated on our brand new couch with a pile of leftover chicken, I catch myself right before wiping bbq sauce all over the new cushions and quickly scurry off to the dining room before my wife notices. From here, I listen to an interview where Wiz Khalifa and a pregnant Amber Rose tell Guiliana Rancic that they're planning on having a water birth. This night couldn't be off to a better start.
8:02 - Taylor Swift opens the show by singing a song while a guy rides around on a tricycle. A few minutes later, your host for the evening, LL Cool J, calls Taylor Swift, "T Swizzle." This show couldn't be off to a worse start.
8:10 - Elton John performs with a guy named Ed Schnerz? A quick Google search asks me if I meant "Ed Schwarz, Ed Sheeran, Ed Schnurr or Ed Asner." Pretty sure I meant Ed Schnerz. Either way, this song seems nice, but not nearly nice enough to keep our attention. My wife switches over to a replay of the Westminster Dog Show while I head to the kitchen for some more chicken.
8:18 - Pit Bull and J.Lo are the first presenters of the evening -- and Pit Bull predictably takes the opportunity to sexually harass J. Lo in Spanish. I'm not sure what he said, but I'm pretty sure it would get him fired from most H.R. departments. I can't stop rubbing chicken all over my lips.
What do you think of all this, LeBronski?
The nominees for Best Pop Solo Performance are: Adele, Kelly Clarks, Call Me Maybe, Katy Perry and Rihanna -- that's a pretty strong group! But Call me Mabes has to win, right? People went bonks for that song this year. I'm not sure if that's what this category is actually all about, or if there's a separate bonks award, but I really want to eat J. Lo's leg. Not just gnaw on it or lick it, I want to eat it. Adele wins. She gives a short and sweet fantastic acceptance speech once again proving that British people are better than us.
8:21 - Doogie Howser comes out and cracks some jokes. You gotta be honest, no one thought Doogie Howz would grow up to tell jokes. I kinda figured he'd just grow up and kill himself. Doogs introduces Fun.. Am I supposed to put two periods there? I think I am.
I'm pretty sure the lead singer from Fun. is wearing a leather shirt and capris. Yes. Yes, he is. Wow. All right, I'm gonna say it, I like Fun.. I do. I know it's not cool to, but it's also not cool to write a blog about the Bachelor or wear Hanes cotton briefs, and I've been doing that pretty much on the regg for the past 6 years. Ummm, as I'm typing this, it just started raining on stage and the Fun. guys are getting soaked. Aren't they gonna get electrocuted? I'm starting to think that maybe that whole water and electricity mixing thing isn't really that big of a deal. Just something your parents tell you so you don't your boombox in the bathtub. I mean, all those football offensive and defensive coordinators get rained on while they're wearing headsets and none of them die. Then again, whenever my hands get a little sweaty, my phone goes buckwild. Life sure is confusing. Anybody else STARVING?
8:27 - On my way to the kitchen, my wife grabs me because she "wants to lick my belly." Okie dokie. I walk in front of her, she lifts up my shirt and presses her tongue all over my stomach. Not sure exactly why I'm sharing this, but I'm trying to be true to the medium. My bell is seriously so wet right now. I think I'm catching a cold.
8:40 - Wiz Khalifa is wearing a suit with no shirt. I kinda wanna lick his belly.
8:50 - I think I hate LL Cool J.
8:51 - Faith Hill and Tug McGraw's son present Song of the Year. Call Me Maybe is nominated again. It has to win. Oh wait, that Fun. song is nominated too. That's gonna win. Yep, it does. Sad for Call Me Maybe.
8:54 - While Mumford and Sons tear up the stage, my wife tells me that I need to start practicing my banjo more. RUDE. You see, I bought a banj around a year ago, played it for like a month nonstop and haven't picked it up since. Just downed my second sticky bun of the night though, so that's something.
9:04 - Justin Timbs performs ... he does a semi-decent job ... I'm now eating cheese.
9:11 - Kelly Rowland and NASTY NAS IN YOUR AREA come out to present a new category. Really hoping it's dog singers or something. Nope, it's Urban Contemporary, which basically just means black singers. Chris Brown is nominated. If he wins, I'm turning this off.
Thanks GAWD. Frank Ocean won. I'm not sure if I really woulda turned this thing off if Chris Brown had won. I would've wanted to, but I don't think I would've. I am not -- and have never been -- a man of my word. I mean c'mon, I still haven't announced the winner of the TVMWW Art Contest Presented By Sal's Automotive. By the way, my wife just flipped back to the Westminster Dog Show. These dogs are so fluffy. I want Chris Brown to die.
Actually, now that I think about it, I do kinda wish Chris Brown won, just so we could've seen the crowd react. The best thing we could do as fans (and I mean music fans, or fans of a society where dudes don't beat the shit out of women, not Chris Brown fans) would be to present him with an award and then throw batteries at him. Either that or stop buying his music. Or burn his house down. All good options.
9:20 - Best Rock Performance, and the nominees are: THE ALABAMA SHAKES (I LOVE THEM), the Black Keys (I like them), Coldplay (I sorta like them, too, once again, Hanes cotton briefs) Mumford (like them) and Bruce Springs (sure, I like the Boss), geez, this doesn't look good for the Shakes.
The Black Keys win.
Speaking of Keys ...
9:22 - Alicia Keys! and Maroon 5. Meh.
9:27 - Best Pop Vocal Album. This seems like it should be a big deal. Kelly Clarks, Florence and the Machine, Fun., Maroon 5 and Pink. Nope, not a big deal at all. Wow, those are seriously horrible nominees, and the fact that Fun. is in this group now has me embarrassed that I sorta like them. Kelly Clarks wins for singing a song with the lyrics, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," which is almost as lame as singing a song that says, "Be nice to people" or "Look both ways when you cross the street" or "Schlorven Vorvens." Actually, that'd be a pretty great song. Some Jewish guy should get the Swedish Chef to record that jawn.
Wow, Kelly Clarks is going absolutely bonks in her acceptance speech. She's bing-bonging all over the place and is genuinely happy and surprised. I think I actually might like her now. As long as she doesn't thank the person who wrote that song. She doesn't. Smart move.
9:30 - My wife just told me we have ice cream in our freezer. Repeat. We have ice cream in our freezer. I'll be back in 5 mins.
9:33 - During a commersh, CBS cuts back to the Gramms to show Rihanna backstage getting ready to perform. While staring at the camera, she takes her finger (coated in red nail polish) and puts it to her lips. She doesn't suck on it. Or blow the camera a kiss. Or tell us to shush, she just presses it against her mouth while keeping her eyes LOCKED on the camera. This is very exciting. THIS IS VERY EXCITING. Now CBS is showing a State Farm insurance ad.
9:36 - C'MONNNNN, RIHANNA. Instead of singing a song while rain pours down on her frozen nips, Rihanna sings some emotional bullshit with some white person. She doesn't even come close to showing her twat. What a snooze-fest. This is the worst, let me say it again, THE WORST Grammys ever.
9:41 - Best collabo-jawn -- that's a category I can get behind -- but sadly me and Zoo With Roy are not nominated. NEXT.
9:50 - After Kat Dennings and her Galapagos islands introduces the Black Keys, they totally blow it out the box with the Preservation Jazz Hall Band. Then Kelly Clarks sings some really boring songs. I'm pretty sure my wife is asleep.
9:59 - Zac Brown Band wins something. Every one of their members looks like the people who eat at Perkins. Also, what kinda way is that to spell Zac? That guy should go on the Bachelorette. #Lindzie #Lynzee #Lyndzac #TaysachsDisease
10:10 - RIHANNA'S BACK -- for some sort of Bob Marley tribute and she's going absolutely bonkers!!! THIS IS HER MUSIC. THE MUSIC OF HER PEOPLE. Now there's a couple Marleys on the stage with her and everyone's going bonks. THIS IS FANTASTIC. HOW HAVE I NEVER BEEN TO THE GALAPAGOS ISLANDS? MY WIFE JUST ROLLED OVER, SHOT OFF THE COUCH, THREW THE REMOTE AT ME AND HEADED RIGHT UP THE STAIRS TO GO TO BED.
|I feel like Rihanna could develop a pretty unstoppable hook shot.|
10:18 - The Lumineers perform that song where they scream, "HO! HEY!" which is a really nice song except for the fact that this dude I work with has been playing it nonstop in the office for the last two weeks, which would been fine except that the song came out last summer. The Lumineers seem to be having a really nice time though so that's nice for them. I hope the Call Me Maybe lady is somewhere having a nice time, too.
This whole night, the cameras have kept showing Taylor Swift in the crowd and EVERY TIME she's on camera, she's singing along like a total dufus. It's really embarrassing.
10:22 - Jack White performs with a bunch of really kinky-looking females. One of the ladies is this black chick who looks like she could deliver the most amazing water birth ever.
10:26 - Katy Perry comes out to announce the nominees for Best New Artist and cracks some pretty good jokes (THERE YA GO, DR. BOOBENSTEIN). This could be the category for the Alabama Shakes to win.
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE DRIED OFF QUITE NICELY.
10:40 - Hey, it's Prince. And he's here to announce the Record of the Year. So he simply walks out and says, "Here are the nominees for Record of the Year." This category is always confusing, 'cause it's really for song of the year, so why not just call it that? Regardless, Gotye wins, and in his acceptance speech kind of makes fun of Prince -- err, not makes fun of him, but sort of busts Prince's chops for carrying a cane (oh, by the way, Prince is carrying a cane) -- then feels bad for making fun of Prince and then praises Prince. Then his ladyfriend praises Prince, too. Prince doesn't give a shit. He's carrying a cane. He's also wearing a hood. I get the feeling my wife was kinda upset at me for not letting her watch Downton Abs tonight.
10:53 - IN MEMORIUM -- this is always nice: Donna Summer, EARL SCRUGGS (BANJO GUY), Davy Jones, Dick Clark, MCA, Ravi Shankar, LEVON HELM, and a female Mexican singer named Jenni Rivera. Never heard of her, but I'm way into any and every female Mexican singer so I'm gonna Google her:
|OH GOOD GOD. RIP SISTER. RIP.|
I am legitimately sad that I never got to experience Jenni Rivera. GONE TOO SOON. She coulda lived to 80, I have no idea.
10:59 - Megaboner time for the Evster. A group of people (INCLUDING ALABAMA SHAKES LADY) sing The Band's "Take a Load Off Annie" while Elton John wears his second pair of blue sunglasses of the night. The camera pans to Katy Perry who I think is now dating John Mayer? So many mixed emotions right now.
11:15 - Album of the Year nominees: Black Keys, Fun., Mumfords, Frank Ocean and Jack White.
Wow. I'd put an exclamation point after "Mumford wins," but I'm way too tired right now. It's 11:15 for cryin' out loud!
WHOA WHOA WHOA.
Mumfees are British???
Did people know this?
How could there be a Mexican lady on this earth who looked like that without me knowing and being able to appreciate her. I BLAME ALL OF YOU.
I'M ANGRY, OKAY?
THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY GRIEVE.
11:24 - LL, Chuck D, Z Trip, Travis Barks and some other guy close out the night with a rip-roaring, flip-flooring, zipple-zoor mega-mau-mau rap sesh that would've been exciting if it wasn't 11:30 on a school night.
I'm so ready for bed. Gonna go join my wife / try not to wake her / not get kicked in the belly.
GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
Section dedicated to being mad at my friend Rart who recently told me he no longer reads TVMWW: Hey Rart, THANKS FOR NOTHIN' YOU BIG FAT JERK.