This week's ep of the Bach pretty much had it all: bikinis, dolphins, a woman who went absolutely bonkers, a woman who saw her father try to commit suicide, SNO CONES, a donkey, bare feet, and much, much more (well, not that much more -- in fact that was pretty much it). But still, STILL, there is always room for improvement. For examp, when Tierra got kicked off, how much hotter would it have been if she spit in Sean's face? When is a woman on this show gonna finally spit in a man's face?
MORE SPITTING = MORE EROTICA.
THAT'S A FACT.
THAT'S A MEDICAL FACT.
Hey, someone has to look at this show with a critical eye -- ENTER TVMWMWWMW -- so this week, I thought I'd offer up a few tips to the Bach producers on ways to improve everyone's favourite Mondee night shitstorm.
IMPROVEMENT NUMERO UNO: NO DUMB JEEPS
Despite the fact that this week's 3-on-1 date featured THREE WOMEN AND ONE MAN, it still managed to be the most normal and real date this show has ever seen. Just your standard road trip with a few bikini-clad chicks, stopping at a few sites along the way to look at stuff / hug. (Of course, if they wanted to make it really real, they woulda had 'em pull over at Roy Rogers rest stops to take hover dumps.) But here's the problem: why would they make these poor women ride in the worst vehicle known to man? A Wrangler???
Now I'm no "car guy," in fact, I've been ripped off by my local mechanic a record 76 straight times (last week he had me replace the Grarpler?), but I'm totally aware that riding in the back of a Wrangler sucks really, really hard. It seems like it'd be great, "I'm gonna feel the wind in my hair! ... I'm gonna stare at the clouds! ... I'm gonna piss over my shoulder and have it spray the car behind me," but no, instead you spend the whole time getting full throttle wind-blasted while the sun beats down on your fat, dumb, bald head. And forget about engaging in conversation or fun road trip games, you spend the whole time grabbing the seats in front of you, pulling yourself forward and screaming, "WHAT'D YOU GUYS SAY? WHAT? WHATTTT? NO, IT'S FINE. THE BREEZE IS FINE. I LIKE GETTING WIND BLASTED. HEY, QUICK QUESTION. WHERE'S THE NEAREST ROY ROGJ? I GOTTA TAKE A QUICK HOVER JOB." It's a friggin' nightmare.
Instead, they should've rented a mini van and hired a chauffeur. Then they coulda all sat in the back and played four-way footsie. SIMPLE SOLUTION. This is Erotica 101 people! Not rocket science! C'MON.
|Photo courtesy of a dude I went to high school with who had a 3-legged dog.|
IMPROVEMENT NUMBER TU-TU: ZORP-O-BUTTONS
AshLee's big reveal was a crock o' shit. "I have to tell you something, but I'm so scared, but I'm just gonna say it, oh gosh this is so frightening, opening up like this, oh I hope you still like me, okay deep breath, deep breath, whooooosh, whooooosh, okay, okay, okay, oh my God you won't believe this, okay I'm just gonna do it, ready? Ready? Whoooosh ... "
I mean, what would you expect a woman to say after building something up like that? "I have a dick," right? You'd expect her to say she had a dick. That's what I thought. I thought for sure that she had a dick, and was just gonna be like, "All right, you know Jamie Lee Curtis? True Lies? Trading Places? She's cool. She's hot. She's totally cool and hot. Well, when she was born, and this is totally normal, like, this happens to more people than you'd think, well, when I was born, and don't get me wrong, this isn't anything like 'I have a sparkle' or uncontrollable facial expressions, this is nothing like that, it's just ..." but nooooooooo, instead she revealed that she was briefly married while in high school??? I mean, yeah that's weird, that's weird as shit, that's fucking super weird, and this lady clearly has some major red flags, but I did a lot more worse things in high school than get married. I once jammed hard boiled eggs in my pants to prove to Rachel Rosenberg that I was "packin' heat." Backfired though. Totally backfired. I spent the rest of my high school days being known as "Sergeant Sulphur Nuts." Jeans were totally ruined. But getting married and divorced? Who cares? AshLee essentially just had a high school boyfriend. I had like a hundred high school boyfriends.
SO WHAT'S YOUR SUGGESTION, EV?
A Zorp-o-button is a thingie on your remote control that allows you to vote for someone to get automatically kicked off the show. Whenever a chick says or does something super duper dumb, the viewers can hit their Zorp-o-button. And once a seez, we'll get to kick off a chick. We'll just press the Zorp-o-button and ZORPO! pack your bags and go. There could be some kinda Zorp-o-meter at the bottom of the screen or something and when people pressed the button, it'd have to get to a certain level (the ZORPO! Level) and then zorp-zorps! see ya later. I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever, but it makes perfect sense in my head. Then again so did those hard boiled eggs.
NEXT IMPROVEMENT -- MORE EATING STUFF
One of my favourite scenes from last night featured Sean's AGGRESSIVE sister, Shay. She pulled no punches giving her brother advice, shooting from the hip and talking a mile a minute. But how much better would her scene have been if she was eating an avocado whilst talking? Did you see dem Caribbean avocados? BONKS. Like, what if she did exactly the same thing, saying the exact same stuff, in the exact same tone, but all while digging into an avocado, stuffing her face and talking with her mouth full the entire time. She could've even had a little bowl next to her and some cilantro to make guacameezy while they chatted. It's not like this lady couldn't multi-task, she's a mom!
Remember Kensington Cottage?
|That place is amazing!|
I wanna burn it down to the ground!
This past weekend, I was feeding my baby nephew and tried to switch arms while holding him because my bicep was throbbing like whoa. I'm tellin' you, it took me roughly 25 minutes to switch that dude over. But a mom? They twirl dem babies like Meadowlark Lems. I could sure go for a sno cone right now.
LAST THING-A-DING -- WE NEED MORE SPARKLE
Tierra's meltdown scene was perfect, and so was her blow up with AsHLeE, but because she was sent home we were robbed of getting to meet her parents. I mean, these were the people who told her that SHE HAS A SPARKLE. AND NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE AWAY THAT SPARKLE. REAL HUMAN BEINGS ACTUALLY SAID THAT TO HER.
It's sad, really. It really is. Picturing little 7-year-old Tierra, crying at the kitchen table after a rough day at school, shoving Oreos into her mouth, snot running down her nose like a dirty, disgusting, annoying little shit, while her mother comforts her by telling her daughter that she has a sparkle. Because that seems like something you might say to a 7-year-old. It was nice of her mom (or dad) to come up with that one. But by the time you're 24, you have to realize that's the lamest shit you could ever say to another person. If someone tried to tell me that I have a sparkle (and I do, I totally do), I would punch them right in the goddamn face. Then my hand would probably hurt because it's gotta really hurt to punch someone's face! Then that person would probably beat the piss out of me and I'd lay there crying while massaging my egg salad balls. Oh my God this blog just keeps getting stupider and stupider. I love my wife very, very much and am so happy to have her.
I can't wait to meet the Two-Star General!
And to meet Des's shitbag brother!
I hope Lesley's the next Bachelorette!
She's got smooth legs!
And a clean butt!
Yo, my man's Zoo With Roys just got hired to do some blorging for Philly.com. THAT'S SOMETHIN'. You can read our collabo Bachcap® from this week here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can check out Sean's sister's recap here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just peep this amazing underwater hotel room in Fiji. That's what I'd do.
Also, Rart is a dufusssssssssssssssss.