Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Bachelor: Fantasy Suites Wasted, Sean is a Dufus, Two Months Down the Drizzain

Sean has no friggin' clue that there's a scantily clad woman
next to him who wants to go straight to the boneyard.

Based on my calculations we have now sat through two months (or 16 hours) of painstaking, mind-numbing, barf-city Bachness. In that time, I have lost all faith in Sean getting one of these chicks pregnant, added to my growing hatred of white people, and gotten an ingrown hair in my armpit (which is without a doubt the most painful injury of my young blogging career). At moments like this, I am reminded of my favourite quote:

"There comes a time when a man must spit on his hands, hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats." - H.L. Mencken

Cot damn right, H.L. Mencken! Whoever you are! These people friggin' suck. It is UNACCEPTABLE that Sean refused to bang those chicks in the fantasy suite. UNACCEPTABLE, especially considering my armpit stings way worse than any S.T.D he could've contracted. So seeing as I'm super dooper fired up (and in desperate need of a dermatologist), let's take a look at some of the dumbest quotes that came out of these idiots' mouths last Mondee night:

"Swimming in a cave is not a typical thing that I would do." - AshLee, before swimming in a cave

Hmmm, interesting, because growing up in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, all we did was swim in caves. That's all we did! Wake up in the morning, go for a quick swim in a cave, come back for lunch (my mom would always make fresh cavefish) and then we'd head back out and swim in a cave til dusk. In fact, looking at my Microsoft Outlook calendar right now, let's see, let's see, what do I have goin' on tomorrow? All right, got a meeting at 9am with a Twitter friend, then some cave-swimming at 10, free til about 2:30ish when I have another cave-swimming appointment, wait, I have two cave-swimming appointments? so I'm double-booked, but that's just like any other day here in my world where I swim in caves all the time 'cause that's a typical thing I do.

Other notes about AshLee's date: I couldn't stand her, and was kind of happy that she got her heart demolished on national television, but baby girl got a bod like WHOA. Titties like YOW and a little butt like BLIGGY-BLIGGY-BLAU. Also, Sean has a tight, tight ass. And I have an abscess growing in my armpit that needs puss drained out.


"I feel like I'm in a movie." - Lindsay, while on a television show

A TV show is pretty much the absolute closest thing possible to being in a movie. Millions of dollars are pumped into this program to create an inauthentic, fairy-tale-like atmosphere that is in no way similar to your future Mondee night dinners with Captain Beauhunk. Last night for dinner, I had eggs. My wife had cereal. The night before? I can't even remember because my life is miserable. And dinner is pretty much the only thing that I look forward to. And yet I still can't remember what I had. I just remembered. I had ziti. It was delicious.

Other notes about Lindsay's date: While Sean was bending over TO FEED A MONKEY SOME GRAPES, I noticed that he was totally wearing underwear underneath his swim trunks, which is actually a SOLID, veteran move. Anyone who has suffered from chubb rubb understands. Take it from a guy who has MUCHO-EXPERIENCO with skin abrasions.

"I'm the weirdest person." - Catherine, talking about some dumb shit

The weirdest person, huh? You think you're the weirdest person? I'll tell you about the weirdest person, my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Harks (who had a black toupée and grey sideburns) and used to sit at his desk smelling his fingers while we tried to figure out the Pythagorean Theorem. I remember looking up and he'd just be sitting there, elbows on the table, running his fingers under his nose, closing his eyes, and sniffing away. Sometimes he would actually jam his nose. He'd just take his hand and jam. He would also tuck his shirts into his underwear and you could totally see the top of his drawers above his waistline. I can't remember another teacher who I got along with so well.

Not Mr. Harks, but very well could be.

Other notes about Catherine's date: Nice to see underwater camera guy again, who got some semi-decent shots of Sean and Cath pressing their genitals against each other while snorkeling. Hopefully we'll get to see more of his beautiful cinematography next week.

"I just want to stay up all night talking." - Sean, while trying to convince AshLee not to have sex with him

Why would anyone in their right mind want to stay up all night doing anything? Forget about talking or having sex, that's just ridiculous, 35 minutes tops for that, TOPS, and I haven't hit that mark in around 15 years (oh who am I kidding I've never hit that mark). Do you know how tired you get the next day when you stay up all night? I stayed up 'til 11:30 last Tuesday and am still seeing floaters. I don't care if 45 Portuguese maids wanted me to stay up all night painting their toenails, I'm not joining them. Also, my wife wouldn't allow me and I'm scared of women.

Other news, notes and goats:

- How the freak has AshLee (who is now THIRTY-TWO YEARS OLD) never dealt with the fact that she was "abandoned"? Don't you think that's something she probably should've addressed before GOING ON NATIONALLY TELEVISED REALITY SHOW AND GETTING HER HEART DESTROYED BY A BORN-AGAIN VIRGJ?

- I still find it INCREDIBLE that a substitute teacher might win this thing!!!

- Those painted birds. It's like, I get it, they were dyed or something, but how the hell does someone dye a bird?! They get injected with something? We should not condone this type of activity. Those birds were friggin' amazing though can I actually buy one of them?

- Enough with Sean trying to take these girls out of their comfort zones. "Today we're gonna scale a building. Then we're gonna eat bugs. Then we're gonna sit through a power point presentashe." THEY'RE BEING FILMED EVERY MINUTE OF THEIR LIVES I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH YOU DEMENTED WEIRDO ALSO WHAT'S WITH THE LIZARD KISSING?

- When the girls were waiting for Sean to arrive at the Rose Ceremony (SO MUCH TENSION BY THE BY) I would've loved for him to come out juggling on a unicycle with a red clown nose, HONK HONK, slide whistle noise, womp womp ... I don't know why I think that's so funny.

- Sean really does have a tight, tight ass.

- Taylor Swift goat video.

So last Saturday I spent the afternoon with my friend Rart and now I feel bad about calling him a dufus for the last few weeks in this space. That being said, he never did read this stuff and find out so I guess he really is a dufus. Speaking of dufuses... 


  1. I want to lizard kiss that Taylor Swift goat video. I am so angry that I don't have an mp3 of the entire song with the goat screaming. 27 seconds is not enough.

  2. im getting stares from strangers at a coffee shop because im dying laughing out loud at this post. amazing. bravo.

    1. are you sure your titties aren't hangin out?

  3. I had the EXACT same reaction to those dyed birds.