Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Oscar Preview with Feddderneezy and Some Lady Who Lives in LA

This movie is not mentioned once in this post.


Hey buttfaces, the Oscars are this Sundee! 

Not sure why I used exclamation points there, it's not really that exciting, but it's still a great excuse to have two of my best friends (one of which I’ve never met) join us here at TVMWWMWWMW to discuss Hollywood’s annual butt bonanza. 

So please give a warm TVMWWWWWMFBBW welcome to my good childhood buddy (and Hollywood screenwriter) Feddderneezy, and some lady who follows me on Twitter and also happens to live in California, @SaraCircle

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EVSTER: So guys, what’s the vibe like in La-La Land before the big night? Are people jazzed? Who’s got the juice? How's the buzzjam? I’m sorry, I'm just trying to fit in with you Hollywood shuffle-snakes. I’m not even sure what I’m asking. I just wanted to say hi and thank you for doing this collabo-jawn with me. I really appreciate it. I love you guys. Never met Sara before.

SARA CIRCS:
I’m throwing a birthday party for my three-year-old son that day. I have to decide: do I buy pre-inflated balloons or do I rent a helium tank? Do I get my guests drunk or do I get them high? Do I kill myself with a bazooka or do I just go old-fashioned car exhaust? I’m buying a cake from Costco.

FEDDDERNEEZY: I have not had much exposure to the pre-Oscar hype because I am not currently paying for TV or Internet. Meanwhile, I am in all honesty paying for a monthly underpants subscription. I also recently bought a candle that smells like a fireplace for $25 on Fab.com. Also, I use my neighbors’ Wi-Fi whenever I want to, so I wasn't being totally honest about my Internet situation. But as The Day approaches, one thing's for sure: this is not what a fireplace smells like.



Daniel Day Lewis prepares for his upcoming role as Ke$ha in "Slutwagon 3000." 


EVSTER: Have you guys even seen any of these movies up for Best Pictsh? The only one I’ve seen is Les Mis. I saw it opening night. Then I saw the actual musical a week later at the Academy of Music. Then I watched the PBS concert later that week. I also downloaded the original Broadway recording on iTunes. I’m not afraid to admit any of this because I’m very comfortable with my femininity. Some say too comfortable. This is where I put in a joke about wearing women’s underwear, but obviously I wouldn’t be joking. They make me feel so free and comfy and ALIVE. Thanks again for doing this, guys. I miss both of you very much.

SARA CIRCS: I saw Les Mis too!!!! Seriously, Evan, I feel like we have so much in common. For instance, I ALSO sometimes wear women’s underwear. The only other Best Pictsh nominee I saw was Argo, because a showbiz friend lent me the screener (that’s showbiz talk for “screener,” which is pronounced slightly differently). I liked it! I mean, it was okay, pretty enjoyable. Don’t all movies start to seem a little bit dumb after awhile? Anyway, I had no idea what it was about before I watched it and I was worried “Argo” was going to mean something I’m supposed to know about from history that I never, ever do because I basically metaphorically and emotionally stuck my fingers in my ears during high school history class and am therefore always embarrassed when it’s revealed I didn’t know what, for instance, “Argo” was (like, the capital of some Middle Eastern country I’ve never heard of? ugh that’s probably what it’s going to be, I think to myself as I slowly, regretfully, insert the DVD). Turns out I’m 90% sure it’s NOT the capital of a Middle Eastern country, it’s actually just the name of the movie within the movie. The name of TWO movies, really! Ha! Okay you’ll just have to see it, this is IMPOSSIBLE to explain.

FEDDDERNEEZY: Les Miz is up for an Oscar?! Didn't Russell Crowe suck butt in that movie? I heard he sucked butt. I did see "Lincoln" which, to quote Honest Abe himself, "is a great film haha jk it sucked butt." I also saw "Silver Linings Playbook" which is secretly a dance movie! I have never seen so much dancing, but that is partly because I was not allowed to go to school dances until I was 31. As Bobby DeNiro himself once said, "To prepare for les miz russell crowe prob sucked a million butts haha you suck russ."

(Just reread this and see I am the only one who went with the “Miz” spelling, and it is honestly so embarrassing.)



That's not even a real hat!

EVSTER: I don’t remember if I read this somewhere or if I’m totally making it up, but I heard that people in Los Angeles throw totally bonkers Oscar parties. Like, they dress up, and make up cute little Oscar games, and snort tons of blow, and have gluten free cake. Is there any truth to that? Have you been to one of these parties? Do people hosting L.A. parties make you take your shoes off at the door? I once had a party and made everyone take their shoes off, ‘cause I thought it’d be fun to create a massive shoe pile. It was a disaster. One girl had holes in her socks. She was so embarrassed. I also think someone lost a shoe. That someone might’ve been me. This story is about 94% true.

SARA CIRCS: They DON’T do that anywhere else in the country? Okay, look. Yes, people throw Oscar parties in LA. No, I haven’t TECHNICALLY been invited to one. At least not one of these fancy gluten-free, shoe-free ones. But seriously, the making you remove your shoe thing - it’s like I totally get it and I am totally blown away by the ballsiness of it at the same time. Like, shoes DO mess up the floors over time, but at the same time, just DEMANDING that someone bare their sweaty feet/dirty socks? Anyway, such a beautiful status symbol, making people remove their shoes in your house. You’re basically saying, “My floors are nice, asshole. What have YOU done with your life?” So anywayz, yeah there are parties and some day maybe I’ll even get to go to one. (And yes, people hosting LA parties do, frequently, ask you to remove your shoes. And Evan, you don’t have to put the dots in LA. We’re not going to think you’re talking about Louisiana.)

FEDDDERNEEZY: For the record, I grew up in a no-shoes house. I have since instituted that policy in my own apartment. HOWEVER, my place is carpeted and one time after walking around for a while in socks, I touched a light switch and all of the appliances in my apartment turned off. Another time I leaned in to kiss my girlfriend and she exploded RIP Bethany. That isn't true, sorry. Anyway, I've never been to a good Oscar party, but I did go to a weird pool party one time where a group of girls were doing 4-way kisses, and then a fat guy fell out of a Moon Bounce into the pool. And that IS true. (It still sucked.)

EVSTER: What do you guys think about Seth MacFarlane hosting? He’s a triple threat, huh Feddd? I’m sorry, this is a really boring question. I’m not even sure why I asked it. This whole interviewing thing is hard. Feel free to answer the question or completely ignore it. Doesn't matter. You guys are the best.

SARA CIRCS: Evan, you know how I feel about Seth MacFarlane. I think he’s yucky. I don’t like Family Guy, which is the first problem. I’M SORRY BUT IT’S DUMB. It’s the dorky guy sitting next to you in science class who makes “weird” jokes, then laughs too hard at them and has bad breath. Then you have the fact that SMcF has this super sleazy way about him. I don’t generally object to super sleazy PER SE, but now he’s inflicting it on Khaleesi (Game of Thrones reference - he’s dating the actress who plays her on the show) and eh, actually I don’t care about her that much, but this somehow lowers my opinion of both of them. She looks so much like an Olsen twin, don’t you think? I predict I won’t like his hosting job. But how great were Amy and Tina at the Golden Globes? Love them, love them, love Taylor Swift.

FEDDDERNEEZY: First of all, in my book, a true "triple threat" is a guy who can sing, dance and owns a crossbow. Second, I am not much of a Seth MacFarlane fan, but I think he will do just as well as the last few hosts, which is to say he will suck butt. HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED. I DID go to a fancy Oscar party one year at a swanky bar and Seth MacFarlane was there! WHO CARES?!!!!!


Mother of dragons?
More like mother of white pants!

EVSTER: I’m finding it interesting that Sara Circs keeps referring to me as “Evan,” a name that basically no one calls me except for my dermatologist (who also refers to me as “Mr. Moleman”). My friends and family all call me Ev, or the Evster, or Evester, or Monitor, or Monn Bonn, or Arthur Monzarelli, or Liza Minnelli, or Eliza Doucheku, or The Human Twat, or TwatWrangler 5000, or Jeremiah Dickcream, or Tito McRubberballs, or Daniel Day Fuckpants, or Steve Storvs, or Evanezzer (my mom only).

But what about these awards?!

Who’s gonna win Best Actor?!

Bradley Coops, Daniel Day-F-Pants, Hugh Jacks, Joaquin Phoens or Denzelly Zell?

I mean, Daniel Day-Lewy has to win, right? That’s like in his contract. “Hey Daniel, thanks for signing on to do this project, baby. Here’s your Oscar, and here’s your giant bag of hot, wet cash. How’s that left foot doing by the way? Ohhhh, I’m kiddin’ ya baby! I love that left foot! Guy’s got a left foot made of gold. GOLD! And I’ve got a heart made of money. Let’s sell some movie tickets, baby! You and me. And that jewbag Spielberg. What a prick that guy is, huh? I’m kiddin, I’m kiddin, love that guy, love him, but man what a jewprick.”

Daniel Day Lewis not even in the room at this point. just driving his motorcycle down Sunset Boulevard while twirling his bag of cash and poppin' wheelies on his dork.   

SARA CIRCS:
Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan. God you’re stupid. What were we talking about? Am I supposed to have an opinion on those actors? Okay let’s think about it logically. Bradley Cooper won’t win because that doesn’t make sense. Hugh Jacksmax won’t win because he’s not Daniel Day Lewis. Joaquin Feeney might win because he was so cute in Parenthood, possibly the best movie ever made. And Denzel Washington won’t win because that’s not a real person. I think that about covers it. Maybe they shouldn’t bother to hold the Oscars now, since I just cracked it? Just a suggestion, could save some money.

FEDDDERNEEZY: D-Day Lewis has best actor sewn up like a butt. But I wouldn't mind seeing Joaquin Phoenix win because his acceptance speech would be gorilla tits bonkers. Now, "The Master" is a challenging movie at first, but I saw it SEVERAL times and one thing I noticed upon multiple viewings is that I really super hate it. But Joaquin Phoenix's character does jerk off into the ocean at one point which, I think anyone will agree, is ultimate freedom.

EVSTER: The nominees for Best Actress are: Jessica Chastees, Jennifer fLawrence Henderson, Emmanuelle Riva (she sounds hot, is she hot?), Quvenzhané Wallis (
THAT’S A NAME?) and Naomi Wattsballs.

Clearly I don’t know who any of these people are, but Quvenzhané??? How do you even pronounce that? Cue-vinn-zah-nay? (I actually think that’s perfect.) I want her to win just so I can see what she looks like. I picture her being so rugged, so raw, SO REAL. I mean, obviously I could just google her right now. She has to be black, right? Fine, I’m googling her.







OH MY GOD SHE’S A CHILD.

I’M SORRY CUE-VINN-ZAH-NAY.

I’M SO SORRY.  


SARA CIRCS: WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME STUFF ABOUT THE OSCARS??? I told you I haven’t seen any of these movies.



FEDDDERNEEZY: Jennifer Lawrence probably takes this one, but if there is one person who could surprise everybody in this category it is Daniel Day-Lewis.

EVSTER: Person you’re most looking forward to seeing? I wanna see Quvenzhané’s mom. And her dad! I also wanna see Selma from the Bach. I miss her so so much. Also, Feddd, I’m coming out to LA in late March and I’m sleeping on your couch. Sara, maybe we could meet up for a burg? or I could babysit your children? Either one’s cool for me.

SARA CIRCS: Sure, that sounds like flun. No really, seems like a grade time. Here’s my new address: 555 Couch Cushion Rd, Sony Remote, Plastic Dog 910Z. Meet me at the dry cleaners on the corner. Furthermore, I am looking forward to seeing anything that reminds me of this look below, which is my favorite Oscar look of all time. #noiro



No idea who this lady is. 

FEDDDERNEEZY: I think Rooney Mara is super beautiful and seems kind of bonkers and apparently does a weird thing with her hands on the red carpet, so I'm def going to say Daniel Day-Lewis.

EVSTER: Anything else you guys wanna add? You don’t have to. 


SARA CIRCS: You guys have no idea how much Evan harassed us about doing this blorg post.




FEDDDERNEEZY: Sure. Here are my Top 10 movies of 2012:


1. The Graduate
2. Mad Men
3. Premium Rush
4. First 1 minute of The Master
5. "Gay Pigeon Explodes" on YouTube
6. Last 5 seconds of Tree of Life
7. Ultrasound of super fat fetus
8. "Wolf Eats a Pencil and Then Explodes" on Vimeo
9. (Tie) Money Talks and Rush Hour




FIN





Well that was a whopper, huh? If you're still awake after all that and still want more more more, here's more Evster/Feddd collabos. And here's a jawn where SaraCircs and I talked about her childhood pen pal, Jake Gylls. And here's a picture of a lady surfing on a horse. Also, Rart is the biggest doofus in the worldddddddddddddd.


4 comments:

  1. Figured I'd throw a non-spam comment on here and the comment is Steve Storv and gang killed it, Best Pictsh is gonna be a hot hot I lost my train of thought. Great stuff. Good on Feddd, Sara Circs follow me on twitta. Also I saw two movies this year and they both were superhero movies and they were bangarang awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fedddd, I can't imagine you're reading this, but Trebbers has a picture of Max Fischer on his Twitter page.

      Trebbs, Rushmore is Feddd's favourite movie.

      You guys should touch tips or something.

      Delete
  2. Sara circs...your 'new address?' genius. Like, really genius, not the 'genius' one of my asshole Facebook friends was told he was after his horrendous 'a watched Facebook never boils' comment. Sheesh. Talk about bottom of the barrel.
    Also, KWA- VON-ZHIN-AYE deserves to beat Jessica's skinny ass.
    And finally, I must admire the fact that you wrote a blog devoted to the oscars when you don't know shit about dick regarding the films nominated. 'Bravo,' I must say!

    -the showbiz pal Sara was referring to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I DON'T KNOW DICK ABOUT DICK!

      Actually, if there's one thing I know about, it's dick.

      LUVVVVVVVVVVVV

      Delete