Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bachelor: Jackie's Got My R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I'm imagining her right hand is jammed inside
the back of her pants and she's squeezing her own butt.  

This week's Bach is a double-dipper, with shows Mondee and Tuesdee nights, so I'm gonna save my whopper Bach recap til later, but something happened on last night's ep that I HAD to blorg about this morning. It was quick and you mighta missed it, so allow me to paint the pictsh.

During Sean's 2-on-1 date, he was talking to Tierra and she was all, "Ohhh, my ex-boyfriend was in rehab, and then he died," and he was like, "Drugs and alc?" and she was like, "Yeah, drugs and alc," as if it could've been anything else. Like, "No, actually he had a really severe ankle injury and the rehab was torture. Strengthening exercises, using those rubbery bendy stretchy ropes, he couldn't take it. He fucking died." But that wasn't the part worth discussing -- although now that I think about it I could easily write 30,000 words on that scene too -- what I'm talkin' bout happened AFTER that conversashe, when Sean came back to the dinner table where Jackie was waiting all by herself.

And Sean said:

"Did you eat all your fish?"

Now, I know that doesn't seem strange, but think about it. A man goes on a date with two women, gets up for a bit, stretches his legs, goes to the bathroom, talks to some other lady, and comes back to the table and asks, "Did you eat all your fish?"

Such a weird question.

First of alls, Sean easily could've answered the question for himself by simply looking at her plate. If there was no fish there, she ate it! If there was, she didn't. Unless she got rid of the fish in some other way, like she threw it in the fireplace or jammed the leftovers in her purse.

"Me? Eat all my fish? No, no, never, never. I actually threw it in the corner. I just got tired of looking at it, and I was kinda bored 'cause you guys were taking a while, so I just started chucking stuff. My left shoe is actually 50 yards down the hallway and your knife is embedded in that door over there. These are pretty good knives! Also I have a cat at home, so whenever I'm done eating, I just chuck my food against a wall or something, and then Whiskers comes along and licks it all up. Is there not a cat at this restaurant? I thought I saw a cat before. Oh well."

Of course, maybe Sean was just surprised to come back to a woman with an empty plate of food. The women on this show never eat ANYTHING -- they're nervous, they don't wanna get food in their teeth, we live in a horrific society that makes everyone think they're fat -- I get it. But Jackie had been out riding horses all afternoon, probably hadn't eaten for days, so she gobbled it home. Sean mighta just been proud of her, like you would be with your 3-year-old daughter.

"Did you eat all your chicken nuggs? Did you eat all your nuggies? Good girl, goooooodddd girllllllll. Maybe you can have ice cream later if you finish those string beans, too. Look, I'll help you with the first one." Takes string bean, puts it in his mouth and gobbles it up like Cookie Monster. Kid goes berserk, cracks up and barfs all over the place. Next 20 minutes are spent cleaning up barf and finishing your child's string beans.

Either way, I'm proud of Jackie. She did eat all her fish. And I bet that was good fish, too. At least she went out with a satisfying meal: highlighted by a damn good piece of fresh, Montana lake whitefish. It's a shame she got kicked off and we didn't get to see her do some more gobbling this seez ifyaknowwhatImean.

(I'm talking about her giving Sean a blowjob.)

(I'm talking about watching Jackie, the semi-cute redhead who wears way too much eye makeup giving Sean a blowjob on national television and watching it and getting turned on. That's what I'm talking about. I wish we could've seen that.)

(Now I'm sad.)

Yo-yo, check the double dipper bach recap over at Zoo With Roy, and then one at BachButts.com and the700butts.com and any other website that feels like employing my services. You can also read my latest jawn for The 700 Level that I wrote about the Super Bowl punters. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, you can peep this amazzzinnngggggg photograph of a guy feeding swans and ducks in Poland. That's what I'd do.


  1. We rewound and rewatched this moment at least three times and laughed and laughed and laughed.

    1. I did the same when the girls were all hanging out on the couch. I was tryin to see if you could see their actual vaginas.