Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Bachelor: Fantasy Suites Wasted, Sean is a Dufus, Two Months Down the Drizzain

Sean has no friggin' clue that there's a scantily clad woman
next to him who wants to go straight to the boneyard.

Based on my calculations we have now sat through two months (or 16 hours) of painstaking, mind-numbing, barf-city Bachness. In that time, I have lost all faith in Sean getting one of these chicks pregnant, added to my growing hatred of white people, and gotten an ingrown hair in my armpit (which is without a doubt the most painful injury of my young blogging career). At moments like this, I am reminded of my favourite quote:

"There comes a time when a man must spit on his hands, hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats." - H.L. Mencken

Cot damn right, H.L. Mencken! Whoever you are! These people friggin' suck. It is UNACCEPTABLE that Sean refused to bang those chicks in the fantasy suite. UNACCEPTABLE, especially considering my armpit stings way worse than any S.T.D he could've contracted. So seeing as I'm super dooper fired up (and in desperate need of a dermatologist), let's take a look at some of the dumbest quotes that came out of these idiots' mouths last Mondee night:

"Swimming in a cave is not a typical thing that I would do." - AshLee, before swimming in a cave

Hmmm, interesting, because growing up in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, all we did was swim in caves. That's all we did! Wake up in the morning, go for a quick swim in a cave, come back for lunch (my mom would always make fresh cavefish) and then we'd head back out and swim in a cave til dusk. In fact, looking at my Microsoft Outlook calendar right now, let's see, let's see, what do I have goin' on tomorrow? All right, got a meeting at 9am with a Twitter friend, then some cave-swimming at 10, free til about 2:30ish when I have another cave-swimming appointment, wait, I have two cave-swimming appointments? so I'm double-booked, but that's just like any other day here in my world where I swim in caves all the time 'cause that's a typical thing I do.

Other notes about AshLee's date: I couldn't stand her, and was kind of happy that she got her heart demolished on national television, but baby girl got a bod like WHOA. Titties like YOW and a little butt like BLIGGY-BLIGGY-BLAU. Also, Sean has a tight, tight ass. And I have an abscess growing in my armpit that needs puss drained out.

Barfffffffffffff.

"I feel like I'm in a movie." - Lindsay, while on a television show

A TV show is pretty much the absolute closest thing possible to being in a movie. Millions of dollars are pumped into this program to create an inauthentic, fairy-tale-like atmosphere that is in no way similar to your future Mondee night dinners with Captain Beauhunk. Last night for dinner, I had eggs. My wife had cereal. The night before? I can't even remember because my life is miserable. And dinner is pretty much the only thing that I look forward to. And yet I still can't remember what I had. I just remembered. I had ziti. It was delicious.

Other notes about Lindsay's date: While Sean was bending over TO FEED A MONKEY SOME GRAPES, I noticed that he was totally wearing underwear underneath his swim trunks, which is actually a SOLID, veteran move. Anyone who has suffered from chubb rubb understands. Take it from a guy who has MUCHO-EXPERIENCO with skin abrasions.

"I'm the weirdest person." - Catherine, talking about some dumb shit

The weirdest person, huh? You think you're the weirdest person? I'll tell you about the weirdest person, my 7th grade math teacher Mr. Harks (who had a black toupée and grey sideburns) and used to sit at his desk smelling his fingers while we tried to figure out the Pythagorean Theorem. I remember looking up and he'd just be sitting there, elbows on the table, running his fingers under his nose, closing his eyes, and sniffing away. Sometimes he would actually jam his nose. He'd just take his hand and jam. He would also tuck his shirts into his underwear and you could totally see the top of his drawers above his waistline. I can't remember another teacher who I got along with so well.

Not Mr. Harks, but very well could be.

Other notes about Catherine's date: Nice to see underwater camera guy again, who got some semi-decent shots of Sean and Cath pressing their genitals against each other while snorkeling. Hopefully we'll get to see more of his beautiful cinematography next week.

"I just want to stay up all night talking." - Sean, while trying to convince AshLee not to have sex with him

Why would anyone in their right mind want to stay up all night doing anything? Forget about talking or having sex, that's just ridiculous, 35 minutes tops for that, TOPS, and I haven't hit that mark in around 15 years (oh who am I kidding I've never hit that mark). Do you know how tired you get the next day when you stay up all night? I stayed up 'til 11:30 last Tuesday and am still seeing floaters. I don't care if 45 Portuguese maids wanted me to stay up all night painting their toenails, I'm not joining them. Also, my wife wouldn't allow me and I'm scared of women.

Other news, notes and goats:

- How the freak has AshLee (who is now THIRTY-TWO YEARS OLD) never dealt with the fact that she was "abandoned"? Don't you think that's something she probably should've addressed before GOING ON NATIONALLY TELEVISED REALITY SHOW AND GETTING HER HEART DESTROYED BY A BORN-AGAIN VIRGJ?

- I still find it INCREDIBLE that a substitute teacher might win this thing!!!

- Those painted birds. It's like, I get it, they were dyed or something, but how the hell does someone dye a bird?! They get injected with something? We should not condone this type of activity. Those birds were friggin' amazing though can I actually buy one of them?

- Enough with Sean trying to take these girls out of their comfort zones. "Today we're gonna scale a building. Then we're gonna eat bugs. Then we're gonna sit through a power point presentashe." THEY'RE BEING FILMED EVERY MINUTE OF THEIR LIVES I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH YOU DEMENTED WEIRDO ALSO WHAT'S WITH THE LIZARD KISSING?

- When the girls were waiting for Sean to arrive at the Rose Ceremony (SO MUCH TENSION BY THE BY) I would've loved for him to come out juggling on a unicycle with a red clown nose, HONK HONK, slide whistle noise, womp womp ... I don't know why I think that's so funny.

- Sean really does have a tight, tight ass.

- Taylor Swift goat video.






So last Saturday I spent the afternoon with my friend Rart and now I feel bad about calling him a dufus for the last few weeks in this space. That being said, he never did read this stuff and find out so I guess he really is a dufus. Speaking of dufuses... 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Bachcap® with Zoo With Roy: Fantasy Suizzles

What'd ya expect?!
You put too much goddamn rouge on!

Fling flang!

Click here to read this week's Bachcap® with me and ZWR -- and stay tuned (no really!) for my recap coming soon / whenever I can get to it. And yes! I'm gonna actually get to it! I've got some things to say! I love you all! Not really! But just go with it!


Friday, February 22, 2013

This Week's Top Google Search That Led Someone to TVMWW



Also, "dale curry wife" is kinda amazing, too.

Girls: My Wife and Feddd Exchange Emails About Booth Jonathan

Don't be scurred. 

Evster's note: My friend Annie texted me today saying she doesn't really care for all these collabo-jawns, but if there's one thing I don't care about, it's my readers. So below is an ACTUAL (somewhat analytical) email thread that took place yesterday in which myself, Feddd, and the woman for whom this blog was created (my beautiful, voluptuous wife, Darrie) broke down that slimy, artist butthead from Girls


*******

FEDDD:  Can I ask you guys a Girls question? The artist dude that Marnie is dating (the guy from Lonely Island)...I am pretty certain that we (the audience) are supposed to realize he is a RIDICULOUS person and a huge doucher.

But do the people in the show think he's cool? I know Marnie does. But I thought everyone else kinda recognizes that he's terrible & ridiculous. My friends disagree. (I am referring to 2 male friends with whom I have been talking about Girls A LOT with.)
What do you guys think?

EV:  I think it's clear that he's a total weirdo tweedle, but I also think that he is seen as a respected up and coming NYC artist, so maybe they're poking fun of the art world?

What's his name? Booth Jonathan? God that's funny. 

FEDDD:  Okay, yeah, I agree with that. I think Lena Dunham must def be satirizing the art world. I just couldn't tell how Hannah and other people in the show (who aren't Marnie) felt about him.

I haven't finished the last ep but I saw the part where he freaks out about his assistant trying a little scoop of his ice cream, so I think he will eventually be revealed as a giant dick/weirdo.


DAR:  I might have happened to watch the latest episode last night while Ev was out (don’t tell Ev), and I also watched the Lena Dunham commentary at the end of the episode where she says that Booth Jonathan is sort of playing dumb, and of course he knows that ladies get attached to him and think he’s cool. So of course, he’s supposed to be a ridiculous character. 

His first appearance on the show he tells Marnie that he knows how to have sex! That’s ridiculous. But the show doesn’t say that’s ridiculous because it’s from the perspective of 23 year olds who don’t have the knowledge or confidence to call him on that sort of thing. And this season he locked Marnie in an art installation, which is not only ridiculous but abusive! Verdict – he is not cool. He happens to be famous, and perhaps at the core as insecure as those he takes advantage of…he just hides it better. 

Regarding your last comment about how other people on the show relate to him – I’m not sure they relate to him, but him through Marnie. It’s not like anyone seems to be particularly concerned about getting to know him or spending time with him. It’s just the approximation of him that they come into contact with through Marnie.

Lastly, I don’t understand not finishing a 30 minute episode. Did a woman come knocking on your door and want to have sex? 


FEDDD:  This is what I'm talkin' bout! Okay, I agree with all of that. That is helpful.

His first line is so ridiculous and cheesy, and I couldn't tell if the show, i.e. Lena Dunham in real life, was trying to portray him as cool to us. But no, I think she knows it is ridiculous to the viewer (at least many of us) but might totally work on a 23-year-old, especially someone like Marnie.

I was having a hard time separating how the audience is supposed to feel vs. how the characters feel. And how Lena Dunham feels IRL vs. how Hannah might feel. But I am going to just assume that Lena Dunnnz is self-aware and savvy, and is writing for characters a little younger and slightly more exaggerated than she is as a real person.

I fell asleep! When I am into a show, I bring my laptop into bed and basically watch until I can't keep my eyes open.

DAR:  I highly recommend watching her commentary at the end. It really keeps me from hating the characters sometimes, and you can really see how smart she is in her writing. 
And even though that line was cheesy, I could imagine myself as a 21-year-old thinking "that's cool." Sad, but true.

EV:  I'm poss posting this email thread as a TVMWW post tomorrow. It's intelligent, insightful and in no way like anything I've ever put on my dogshit website.

Calm down Dar I'm not really, but maybe.


DAR:  Yeah, beause why waste a personal interaction between friends when you could use it for social media?

FEDDD:  You're being a real Hannah right now, Mont Man. Not everything needs to be appreciated by an audience. (I am really just trying to push buttons soryyyyyyyyyyy!)

EV:  Not social media! Blog! Article! Journalism! I'm tryin' to say that you guys wrote really interesting commentary and I would like to include that in my blogblog that is completely void of anything intelligent!

DAR:  Blogs are social media!! But also, I don't care and I'm just giving you a hard time!!  But Feddd is really pissed.

EV:  THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREEN LIZZIGHT! 








You guys know that guy? That total dufus? You know who I'm talking about. That guy. He's a dufus. Like a total, total dufus. Rart? Yeah, him. He's a dufus. Well, in honor of Rart being a dufus, here's a picture of a really nice-looking gufus. (gufus = goose) 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Oscar Preview with Feddderneezy and Some Lady Who Lives in LA

This movie is not mentioned once in this post.


Hey buttfaces, the Oscars are this Sundee! 

Not sure why I used exclamation points there, it's not really that exciting, but it's still a great excuse to have two of my best friends (one of which I’ve never met) join us here at TVMWWMWWMW to discuss Hollywood’s annual butt bonanza. 

So please give a warm TVMWWWWWMFBBW welcome to my good childhood buddy (and Hollywood screenwriter) Feddderneezy, and some lady who follows me on Twitter and also happens to live in California, @SaraCircle

************

EVSTER: So guys, what’s the vibe like in La-La Land before the big night? Are people jazzed? Who’s got the juice? How's the buzzjam? I’m sorry, I'm just trying to fit in with you Hollywood shuffle-snakes. I’m not even sure what I’m asking. I just wanted to say hi and thank you for doing this collabo-jawn with me. I really appreciate it. I love you guys. Never met Sara before.

SARA CIRCS:
I’m throwing a birthday party for my three-year-old son that day. I have to decide: do I buy pre-inflated balloons or do I rent a helium tank? Do I get my guests drunk or do I get them high? Do I kill myself with a bazooka or do I just go old-fashioned car exhaust? I’m buying a cake from Costco.

FEDDDERNEEZY: I have not had much exposure to the pre-Oscar hype because I am not currently paying for TV or Internet. Meanwhile, I am in all honesty paying for a monthly underpants subscription. I also recently bought a candle that smells like a fireplace for $25 on Fab.com. Also, I use my neighbors’ Wi-Fi whenever I want to, so I wasn't being totally honest about my Internet situation. But as The Day approaches, one thing's for sure: this is not what a fireplace smells like.



Daniel Day Lewis prepares for his upcoming role as Ke$ha in "Slutwagon 3000." 


EVSTER: Have you guys even seen any of these movies up for Best Pictsh? The only one I’ve seen is Les Mis. I saw it opening night. Then I saw the actual musical a week later at the Academy of Music. Then I watched the PBS concert later that week. I also downloaded the original Broadway recording on iTunes. I’m not afraid to admit any of this because I’m very comfortable with my femininity. Some say too comfortable. This is where I put in a joke about wearing women’s underwear, but obviously I wouldn’t be joking. They make me feel so free and comfy and ALIVE. Thanks again for doing this, guys. I miss both of you very much.

SARA CIRCS: I saw Les Mis too!!!! Seriously, Evan, I feel like we have so much in common. For instance, I ALSO sometimes wear women’s underwear. The only other Best Pictsh nominee I saw was Argo, because a showbiz friend lent me the screener (that’s showbiz talk for “screener,” which is pronounced slightly differently). I liked it! I mean, it was okay, pretty enjoyable. Don’t all movies start to seem a little bit dumb after awhile? Anyway, I had no idea what it was about before I watched it and I was worried “Argo” was going to mean something I’m supposed to know about from history that I never, ever do because I basically metaphorically and emotionally stuck my fingers in my ears during high school history class and am therefore always embarrassed when it’s revealed I didn’t know what, for instance, “Argo” was (like, the capital of some Middle Eastern country I’ve never heard of? ugh that’s probably what it’s going to be, I think to myself as I slowly, regretfully, insert the DVD). Turns out I’m 90% sure it’s NOT the capital of a Middle Eastern country, it’s actually just the name of the movie within the movie. The name of TWO movies, really! Ha! Okay you’ll just have to see it, this is IMPOSSIBLE to explain.

FEDDDERNEEZY: Les Miz is up for an Oscar?! Didn't Russell Crowe suck butt in that movie? I heard he sucked butt. I did see "Lincoln" which, to quote Honest Abe himself, "is a great film haha jk it sucked butt." I also saw "Silver Linings Playbook" which is secretly a dance movie! I have never seen so much dancing, but that is partly because I was not allowed to go to school dances until I was 31. As Bobby DeNiro himself once said, "To prepare for les miz russell crowe prob sucked a million butts haha you suck russ."

(Just reread this and see I am the only one who went with the “Miz” spelling, and it is honestly so embarrassing.)



That's not even a real hat!

EVSTER: I don’t remember if I read this somewhere or if I’m totally making it up, but I heard that people in Los Angeles throw totally bonkers Oscar parties. Like, they dress up, and make up cute little Oscar games, and snort tons of blow, and have gluten free cake. Is there any truth to that? Have you been to one of these parties? Do people hosting L.A. parties make you take your shoes off at the door? I once had a party and made everyone take their shoes off, ‘cause I thought it’d be fun to create a massive shoe pile. It was a disaster. One girl had holes in her socks. She was so embarrassed. I also think someone lost a shoe. That someone might’ve been me. This story is about 94% true.

SARA CIRCS: They DON’T do that anywhere else in the country? Okay, look. Yes, people throw Oscar parties in LA. No, I haven’t TECHNICALLY been invited to one. At least not one of these fancy gluten-free, shoe-free ones. But seriously, the making you remove your shoe thing - it’s like I totally get it and I am totally blown away by the ballsiness of it at the same time. Like, shoes DO mess up the floors over time, but at the same time, just DEMANDING that someone bare their sweaty feet/dirty socks? Anyway, such a beautiful status symbol, making people remove their shoes in your house. You’re basically saying, “My floors are nice, asshole. What have YOU done with your life?” So anywayz, yeah there are parties and some day maybe I’ll even get to go to one. (And yes, people hosting LA parties do, frequently, ask you to remove your shoes. And Evan, you don’t have to put the dots in LA. We’re not going to think you’re talking about Louisiana.)

FEDDDERNEEZY: For the record, I grew up in a no-shoes house. I have since instituted that policy in my own apartment. HOWEVER, my place is carpeted and one time after walking around for a while in socks, I touched a light switch and all of the appliances in my apartment turned off. Another time I leaned in to kiss my girlfriend and she exploded RIP Bethany. That isn't true, sorry. Anyway, I've never been to a good Oscar party, but I did go to a weird pool party one time where a group of girls were doing 4-way kisses, and then a fat guy fell out of a Moon Bounce into the pool. And that IS true. (It still sucked.)

EVSTER: What do you guys think about Seth MacFarlane hosting? He’s a triple threat, huh Feddd? I’m sorry, this is a really boring question. I’m not even sure why I asked it. This whole interviewing thing is hard. Feel free to answer the question or completely ignore it. Doesn't matter. You guys are the best.

SARA CIRCS: Evan, you know how I feel about Seth MacFarlane. I think he’s yucky. I don’t like Family Guy, which is the first problem. I’M SORRY BUT IT’S DUMB. It’s the dorky guy sitting next to you in science class who makes “weird” jokes, then laughs too hard at them and has bad breath. Then you have the fact that SMcF has this super sleazy way about him. I don’t generally object to super sleazy PER SE, but now he’s inflicting it on Khaleesi (Game of Thrones reference - he’s dating the actress who plays her on the show) and eh, actually I don’t care about her that much, but this somehow lowers my opinion of both of them. She looks so much like an Olsen twin, don’t you think? I predict I won’t like his hosting job. But how great were Amy and Tina at the Golden Globes? Love them, love them, love Taylor Swift.

FEDDDERNEEZY: First of all, in my book, a true "triple threat" is a guy who can sing, dance and owns a crossbow. Second, I am not much of a Seth MacFarlane fan, but I think he will do just as well as the last few hosts, which is to say he will suck butt. HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED. I DID go to a fancy Oscar party one year at a swanky bar and Seth MacFarlane was there! WHO CARES?!!!!!


Mother of dragons?
More like mother of white pants!

EVSTER: I’m finding it interesting that Sara Circs keeps referring to me as “Evan,” a name that basically no one calls me except for my dermatologist (who also refers to me as “Mr. Moleman”). My friends and family all call me Ev, or the Evster, or Evester, or Monitor, or Monn Bonn, or Arthur Monzarelli, or Liza Minnelli, or Eliza Doucheku, or The Human Twat, or TwatWrangler 5000, or Jeremiah Dickcream, or Tito McRubberballs, or Daniel Day Fuckpants, or Steve Storvs, or Evanezzer (my mom only).

But what about these awards?!

Who’s gonna win Best Actor?!

Bradley Coops, Daniel Day-F-Pants, Hugh Jacks, Joaquin Phoens or Denzelly Zell?

I mean, Daniel Day-Lewy has to win, right? That’s like in his contract. “Hey Daniel, thanks for signing on to do this project, baby. Here’s your Oscar, and here’s your giant bag of hot, wet cash. How’s that left foot doing by the way? Ohhhh, I’m kiddin’ ya baby! I love that left foot! Guy’s got a left foot made of gold. GOLD! And I’ve got a heart made of money. Let’s sell some movie tickets, baby! You and me. And that jewbag Spielberg. What a prick that guy is, huh? I’m kiddin, I’m kiddin, love that guy, love him, but man what a jewprick.”

Daniel Day Lewis not even in the room at this point. just driving his motorcycle down Sunset Boulevard while twirling his bag of cash and poppin' wheelies on his dork.   

SARA CIRCS:
Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan. God you’re stupid. What were we talking about? Am I supposed to have an opinion on those actors? Okay let’s think about it logically. Bradley Cooper won’t win because that doesn’t make sense. Hugh Jacksmax won’t win because he’s not Daniel Day Lewis. Joaquin Feeney might win because he was so cute in Parenthood, possibly the best movie ever made. And Denzel Washington won’t win because that’s not a real person. I think that about covers it. Maybe they shouldn’t bother to hold the Oscars now, since I just cracked it? Just a suggestion, could save some money.

FEDDDERNEEZY: D-Day Lewis has best actor sewn up like a butt. But I wouldn't mind seeing Joaquin Phoenix win because his acceptance speech would be gorilla tits bonkers. Now, "The Master" is a challenging movie at first, but I saw it SEVERAL times and one thing I noticed upon multiple viewings is that I really super hate it. But Joaquin Phoenix's character does jerk off into the ocean at one point which, I think anyone will agree, is ultimate freedom.

EVSTER: The nominees for Best Actress are: Jessica Chastees, Jennifer fLawrence Henderson, Emmanuelle Riva (she sounds hot, is she hot?), Quvenzhané Wallis (
THAT’S A NAME?) and Naomi Wattsballs.

Clearly I don’t know who any of these people are, but Quvenzhané??? How do you even pronounce that? Cue-vinn-zah-nay? (I actually think that’s perfect.) I want her to win just so I can see what she looks like. I picture her being so rugged, so raw, SO REAL. I mean, obviously I could just google her right now. She has to be black, right? Fine, I’m googling her.







OH MY GOD SHE’S A CHILD.

I’M SORRY CUE-VINN-ZAH-NAY.

I’M SO SORRY.  


SARA CIRCS: WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME STUFF ABOUT THE OSCARS??? I told you I haven’t seen any of these movies.



FEDDDERNEEZY: Jennifer Lawrence probably takes this one, but if there is one person who could surprise everybody in this category it is Daniel Day-Lewis.

EVSTER: Person you’re most looking forward to seeing? I wanna see Quvenzhané’s mom. And her dad! I also wanna see Selma from the Bach. I miss her so so much. Also, Feddd, I’m coming out to LA in late March and I’m sleeping on your couch. Sara, maybe we could meet up for a burg? or I could babysit your children? Either one’s cool for me.

SARA CIRCS: Sure, that sounds like flun. No really, seems like a grade time. Here’s my new address: 555 Couch Cushion Rd, Sony Remote, Plastic Dog 910Z. Meet me at the dry cleaners on the corner. Furthermore, I am looking forward to seeing anything that reminds me of this look below, which is my favorite Oscar look of all time. #noiro



No idea who this lady is. 

FEDDDERNEEZY: I think Rooney Mara is super beautiful and seems kind of bonkers and apparently does a weird thing with her hands on the red carpet, so I'm def going to say Daniel Day-Lewis.

EVSTER: Anything else you guys wanna add? You don’t have to. 


SARA CIRCS: You guys have no idea how much Evan harassed us about doing this blorg post.




FEDDDERNEEZY: Sure. Here are my Top 10 movies of 2012:


1. The Graduate
2. Mad Men
3. Premium Rush
4. First 1 minute of The Master
5. "Gay Pigeon Explodes" on YouTube
6. Last 5 seconds of Tree of Life
7. Ultrasound of super fat fetus
8. "Wolf Eats a Pencil and Then Explodes" on Vimeo
9. (Tie) Money Talks and Rush Hour




FIN





Well that was a whopper, huh? If you're still awake after all that and still want more more more, here's more Evster/Feddd collabos. And here's a jawn where SaraCircs and I talked about her childhood pen pal, Jake Gylls. And here's a picture of a lady surfing on a horse. Also, Rart is the biggest doofus in the worldddddddddddddd.


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Hometown Bachcap® with Zoo With Roy

Don't make that face at me, girl!
You don't know me!
You don't know me!

Hey you fat jerk, read my weekly Bachelor collabo with Philly.com superblogger, Zoo With Roy.

And look for the TVMWW recap-a-clap-bam-booba-rap-schlap coming soon / not that soon / prolly tomorrow / maybe today / all this blogging is making me thirsty.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor: Great Episode Last Night, Butttttttt ...

SNO CONE

This week's ep of the Bach pretty much had it all: bikinis, dolphins, a woman who went absolutely bonkers, a woman who saw her father try to commit suicide, SNO CONES, a donkey, bare feet, and much, much more (well, not that much more -- in fact that was pretty much it). But still, STILL, there is always room for improvement. For examp, when Tierra got kicked off, how much hotter would it have been if she spit in Sean's face? When is a woman on this show gonna finally spit in a man's face?

MORE SPITTING = MORE EROTICA.

THAT'S A FACT.

THAT'S A MEDICAL FACT.

Hey, someone has to look at this show with a critical eye -- ENTER TVMWMWWMW -- so this week, I thought I'd offer up a few tips to the Bach producers on ways to improve everyone's favourite Mondee night shitstorm.

IMPROVEMENT NUMERO UNO: NO DUMB JEEPS

Despite the fact that this week's 3-on-1 date featured THREE WOMEN AND ONE MAN, it still managed to be the most normal and real date this show has ever seen. Just your standard road trip with a few bikini-clad chicks, stopping at a few sites along the way to look at stuff / hug. (Of course, if they wanted to make it really real, they woulda had 'em pull over at Roy Rogers rest stops to take hover dumps.) But here's the problem: why would they make these poor women ride in the worst vehicle known to man? A Wrangler???

Now I'm no "car guy," in fact, I've been ripped off by my local mechanic a record 76 straight times (last week he had me replace the Grarpler?), but I'm totally aware that riding in the back of a Wrangler sucks really, really hard. It seems like it'd be great, "I'm gonna feel the wind in my hair! ... I'm gonna stare at the clouds! ... I'm gonna piss over my shoulder and have it spray the car behind me," but no, instead you spend the whole time getting full throttle wind-blasted while the sun beats down on your fat, dumb, bald head. And forget about engaging in conversation or fun road trip games, you spend the whole time grabbing the seats in front of you, pulling yourself forward and screaming, "WHAT'D YOU GUYS SAY? WHAT? WHATTTT? NO, IT'S FINE. THE BREEZE IS FINE. I LIKE GETTING WIND BLASTED. HEY, QUICK QUESTION. WHERE'S THE NEAREST ROY ROGJ? I GOTTA TAKE A QUICK HOVER JOB." It's a friggin' nightmare.

Instead, they should've rented a mini van and hired a chauffeur. Then they coulda all sat in the back and played four-way footsie. SIMPLE SOLUTION. This is Erotica 101 people! Not rocket science! C'MON.


Photo courtesy of a dude I went to high school with who had a 3-legged dog.

IMPROVEMENT NUMBER TU-TU: ZORP-O-BUTTONS

AshLee's big reveal was a crock o' shit. "I have to tell you something, but I'm so scared, but I'm just gonna say it, oh gosh this is so frightening, opening up like this, oh I hope you still like me, okay deep breath, deep breath, whooooosh, whooooosh, okay, okay, okay, oh my God you won't believe this, okay I'm just gonna do it, ready? Ready? Whoooosh ... "

I mean, what would you expect a woman to say after building something up like that? "I have a dick," right? You'd expect her to say she had a dick. That's what I thought. I thought for sure that she had a dick, and was just gonna be like, "All right, you know Jamie Lee Curtis? True Lies? Trading Places? She's cool. She's hot. She's totally cool and hot. Well, when she was born, and this is totally normal, like, this happens to more people than you'd think, well, when I was born, and don't get me wrong, this isn't anything like 'I have a sparkle' or uncontrollable facial expressions, this is nothing like that, it's just ..." but nooooooooo, instead she revealed that she was briefly married while in high school??? I mean, yeah that's weird, that's weird as shit, that's fucking super weird, and this lady clearly has some major red flags, but I did a lot more worse things in high school than get married. I once jammed hard boiled eggs in my pants to prove to Rachel Rosenberg that I was "packin' heat." Backfired though. Totally backfired. I spent the rest of my high school days being known as "Sergeant Sulphur Nuts." Jeans were totally ruined. But getting married and divorced? Who cares? AshLee essentially just had a high school boyfriend. I had like a hundred high school boyfriends.

SO WHAT'S YOUR SUGGESTION, EV?

Zorp-o-buttons.

A Zorp-o-button is a thingie on your remote control that allows you to vote for someone to get automatically kicked off the show. Whenever a chick says or does something super duper dumb, the viewers can hit their Zorp-o-button. And once a seez, we'll get to kick off a chick. We'll just press the Zorp-o-button and ZORPO! pack your bags and go. There could be some kinda Zorp-o-meter at the bottom of the screen or something and when people pressed the button, it'd have to get to a certain level (the ZORPO! Level) and then zorp-zorps! see ya later. I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever, but it makes perfect sense in my head. Then again so did those hard boiled eggs.

NEXT IMPROVEMENT -- MORE EATING STUFF

One of my favourite scenes from last night featured Sean's AGGRESSIVE sister, Shay. She pulled no punches giving her brother advice, shooting from the hip and talking a mile a minute. But how much better would her scene have been if she was eating an avocado whilst talking? Did you see dem Caribbean avocados? BONKS. Like, what if she did exactly the same thing, saying the exact same stuff, in the exact same tone, but all while digging into an avocado, stuffing her face and talking with her mouth full the entire time. She could've even had a little bowl next to her and some cilantro to make guacameezy while they chatted. It's not like this lady couldn't multi-task, she's a mom!

Remember Kensington Cottage?

That place is amazing!
I wanna burn it down to the ground!

This past weekend, I was feeding my baby nephew and tried to switch arms while holding him because my bicep was throbbing like whoa. I'm tellin' you, it took me roughly 25 minutes to switch that dude over. But a mom? They twirl dem babies like Meadowlark Lems. I could sure go for a sno cone right now.

LAST THING-A-DING -- WE NEED MORE SPARKLE

Tierra's meltdown scene was perfect, and so was her blow up with AsHLeE, but because she was sent home we were robbed of getting to meet her parents. I mean, these were the people who told her that SHE HAS A SPARKLE. AND NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE AWAY THAT SPARKLE. REAL HUMAN BEINGS ACTUALLY SAID THAT TO HER.

It's sad, really. It really is. Picturing little 7-year-old Tierra, crying at the kitchen table after a rough day at school, shoving Oreos into her mouth, snot running down her nose like a dirty, disgusting, annoying little shit, while her mother comforts her by telling her daughter that she has a sparkle. Because that seems like something you might say to a 7-year-old. It was nice of her mom (or dad) to come up with that one. But by the time you're 24, you have to realize that's the lamest shit you could ever say to another person. If someone tried to tell me that I have a sparkle (and I do, I totally do), I would punch them right in the goddamn face. Then my hand would probably hurt because it's gotta really hurt to punch someone's face! Then that person would probably beat the piss out of me and I'd lay there crying while massaging my egg salad balls. Oh my God this blog just keeps getting stupider and stupider. I love my wife very, very much and am so happy to have her.

I can't wait to meet the Two-Star General!

And to meet Des's shitbag brother!

I hope Lesley's the next Bachelorette!

She's got smooth legs!

And a clean butt!

That's important!






Yo, my man's Zoo With Roys just got hired to do some blorging for Philly.com. THAT'S SOMETHIN'. You can read our collabo Bachcap® from this week here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can check out Sean's sister's recap here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just peep this amazing underwater hotel room in Fiji. That's what I'd do.

Also, Rart is a dufusssssssssssssssss.

Monday, February 11, 2013

The Grammys: Live from my Living Room

ZOOGIE ZOOGIE ZOO!

7:00 - We are comin' at you LIVE from TVMWW headquarters, an hour before the 55th annual Gramma Lamma Ding Dongs! Here with me tonight is a giant glass of lemonade, and my wife who just told me she'd much rather watch Downton Abbey. AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, DAR. We HAVE TO watch the Gramms, because YOU NEVER KNOW what's gonna happen. Will this be the year that Rihanna and Chris Brown tongue each other in the crowd? Will Lady Goggs give birth onstage? Will my wife allow me to eat any of the jambalaya that she's making for tomorrow night's Bach? The answer is no! I just tried to sneak a scoop and she just kicked me out of the kitchen! Luckily, E!'s red carpet show is on and J. Lo is showing A LOT of leg. Suddenly, I'm craving chicken.

7:06 - Now seated on our brand new couch with a pile of leftover chicken, I catch myself right before wiping bbq sauce all over the new cushions and quickly scurry off to the dining room before my wife notices. From here, I listen to an interview where Wiz Khalifa and a pregnant Amber Rose tell Guiliana Rancic that they're planning on having a water birth. This night couldn't be off to a better start.

8:02 - Taylor Swift opens the show by singing a song while a guy rides around on a tricycle. A few minutes later, your host for the evening, LL Cool J, calls Taylor Swift, "T Swizzle." This show couldn't be off to a worse start.

8:10 - Elton John performs with a guy named Ed Schnerz? A quick Google search asks me if I meant "Ed Schwarz, Ed Sheeran, Ed Schnurr or Ed Asner." Pretty sure I meant Ed Schnerz. Either way, this song seems nice, but not nearly nice enough to keep our attention. My wife switches over to a replay of the Westminster Dog Show while I head to the kitchen for some more chicken.

8:18 - Pit Bull and J.Lo are the first presenters of the evening -- and Pit Bull predictably takes the opportunity to sexually harass J. Lo in Spanish. I'm not sure what he said, but I'm pretty sure it would get him fired from most H.R. departments. I can't stop rubbing chicken all over my lips.

What do you think of all this, LeBronski?



The nominees for Best Pop Solo Performance are: Adele, Kelly Clarks, Call Me Maybe, Katy Perry and Rihanna -- that's a pretty strong group! But Call me Mabes has to win, right? People went bonks for that song this year. I'm not sure if that's what this category is actually all about, or if there's a separate bonks award, but I really want to eat J. Lo's leg. Not just gnaw on it or lick it, I want to eat it. Adele wins. She gives a short and sweet fantastic acceptance speech once again proving that British people are better than us.

8:21 - Doogie Howser comes out and cracks some jokes. You gotta be honest, no one thought Doogie Howz would grow up to tell jokes. I kinda figured he'd just grow up and kill himself. Doogs introduces Fun.. Am I supposed to put two periods there? I think I am.

I'm pretty sure the lead singer from Fun. is wearing a leather shirt and capris. Yes. Yes, he is. Wow. All right, I'm gonna say it, I like Fun.. I do. I know it's not cool to, but it's also not cool to write a blog about the Bachelor or wear Hanes cotton briefs, and I've been doing that pretty much on the regg for the past 6 years. Ummm, as I'm typing this, it just started raining on stage and the Fun. guys are getting soaked. Aren't they gonna get electrocuted? I'm starting to think that maybe that whole water and electricity mixing thing isn't really that big of a deal. Just something your parents tell you so you don't your boombox in the bathtub. I mean, all those football offensive and defensive coordinators get rained on while they're wearing headsets and none of them die. Then again, whenever my hands get a little sweaty, my phone goes buckwild. Life sure is confusing. Anybody else STARVING?

8:27 - On my way to the kitchen, my wife grabs me because she "wants to lick my belly." Okie dokie. I walk in front of her, she lifts up my shirt and presses her tongue all over my stomach. Not sure exactly why I'm sharing this, but I'm trying to be true to the medium. My bell is seriously so wet right now. I think I'm catching a cold.

8:40 - Wiz Khalifa is wearing a suit with no shirt. I kinda wanna lick his belly.

8:50 - I think I hate LL Cool J.

8:51 - Faith Hill and Tug McGraw's son present Song of the Year. Call Me Maybe is nominated again. It has to win. Oh wait, that Fun. song is nominated too. That's gonna win. Yep, it does. Sad for Call Me Maybe.

8:54 - While Mumford and Sons tear up the stage, my wife tells me that I need to start practicing my banjo more. RUDE. You see, I bought a banj around a year ago, played it for like a month nonstop and haven't picked it up since. Just downed my second sticky bun of the night though, so that's something.

WOMBO-WOMBO

9:04 - Justin Timbs performs ... he does a semi-decent job ... I'm now eating cheese.

9:11 - Kelly Rowland and NASTY NAS IN YOUR AREA come out to present a new category. Really hoping it's dog singers or something. Nope, it's Urban Contemporary, which basically just means black singers. Chris Brown is nominated. If he wins, I'm turning this off.

Thanks GAWD. Frank Ocean won. I'm not sure if I really woulda turned this thing off if Chris Brown had won. I would've wanted to, but I don't think I would've. I am not -- and have never been -- a man of my word. I mean c'mon, I still haven't announced the winner of the TVMWW Art Contest Presented By Sal's Automotive. By the way, my wife just flipped back to the Westminster Dog Show. These dogs are so fluffy. I want Chris Brown to die.

Actually, now that I think about it, I do kinda wish Chris Brown won, just so we could've seen the crowd react. The best thing we could do as fans (and I mean music fans, or fans of a society where dudes don't beat the shit out of women, not Chris Brown fans) would be to present him with an award and then throw batteries at him. Either that or stop buying his music. Or burn his house down. All good options.

9:20 - Best Rock Performance, and the nominees are: THE ALABAMA SHAKES (I LOVE THEM), the Black Keys (I like them), Coldplay (I sorta like them, too, once again, Hanes cotton briefs) Mumford (like them) and Bruce Springs (sure, I like the Boss), geez, this doesn't look good for the Shakes.

They lose.

The Black Keys win.

Speaking of Keys ...

9:22 - Alicia Keys! and Maroon 5. Meh.

9:27 - Best Pop Vocal Album. This seems like it should be a big deal. Kelly Clarks, Florence and the Machine, Fun., Maroon 5 and Pink. Nope, not a big deal at all. Wow, those are seriously horrible nominees, and the fact that Fun. is in this group now has me embarrassed that I sorta like them. Kelly Clarks wins for singing a song with the lyrics, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," which is almost as lame as singing a song that says, "Be nice to people" or "Look both ways when you cross the street" or "Schlorven Vorvens." Actually, that'd be a pretty great song. Some Jewish guy should get the Swedish Chef to record that jawn.

Wow, Kelly Clarks is going absolutely bonks in her acceptance speech. She's bing-bonging all over the place and is genuinely happy and surprised. I think I actually might like her now. As long as she doesn't thank the person who wrote that song. She doesn't. Smart move.

9:30 - My wife just told me we have ice cream in our freezer. Repeat. We have ice cream in our freezer. I'll be back in 5 mins.

9:33 - During a commersh, CBS cuts back to the Gramms to show Rihanna backstage getting ready to perform. While staring at the camera, she takes her finger (coated in red nail polish) and puts it to her lips. She doesn't suck on it. Or blow the camera a kiss. Or tell us to shush, she just presses it against her mouth while keeping her eyes LOCKED on the camera. This is very exciting. THIS IS VERY EXCITING. Now CBS is showing a State Farm insurance ad.

9:36 - C'MONNNNN, RIHANNA. Instead of singing a song while rain pours down on her frozen nips, Rihanna sings some emotional bullshit with some white person. She doesn't even come close to showing her twat. What a snooze-fest. This is the worst, let me say it again, THE WORST Grammys ever.

9:41 - Best collabo-jawn -- that's a category I can get behind -- but sadly me and Zoo With Roy are not nominated. NEXT.

9:50 - After Kat Dennings and her Galapagos islands introduces the Black Keys, they totally blow it out the box with the Preservation Jazz Hall Band. Then Kelly Clarks sings some really boring songs. I'm pretty sure my wife is asleep.

9:59 - Zac Brown Band wins something. Every one of their members looks like the people who eat at Perkins. Also, what kinda way is that to spell Zac? That guy should go on the Bachelorette. #Lindzie #Lynzee #Lyndzac #TaysachsDisease

10:10 - RIHANNA'S BACK -- for some sort of Bob Marley tribute and she's going absolutely bonkers!!! THIS IS HER MUSIC. THE MUSIC OF HER PEOPLE. Now there's a couple Marleys on the stage with her and everyone's going bonks. THIS IS FANTASTIC. HOW HAVE I NEVER BEEN TO THE GALAPAGOS ISLANDS? MY WIFE JUST ROLLED OVER, SHOT OFF THE COUCH, THREW THE REMOTE AT ME AND HEADED RIGHT UP THE STAIRS TO GO TO BED.

I feel like Rihanna could develop a pretty unstoppable hook shot.

10:18 - The Lumineers perform that song where they scream, "HO! HEY!" which is a really nice song except for the fact that this dude I work with has been playing it nonstop in the office for the last two weeks, which would been fine except that the song came out last summer. The Lumineers seem to be having a really nice time though so that's nice for them. I hope the Call Me Maybe lady is somewhere having a nice time, too.

This whole night, the cameras have kept showing Taylor Swift in the crowd and EVERY TIME she's on camera, she's singing along like a total dufus. It's really embarrassing.

10:22 - Jack White performs with a bunch of really kinky-looking females. One of the ladies is this black chick who looks like she could deliver the most amazing water birth ever.

10:26 - Katy Perry comes out to announce the nominees for Best New Artist and cracks some pretty good jokes (THERE YA GO, DR. BOOBENSTEIN). This could be the category for the Alabama Shakes to win.

They don't.

Fun. does.

IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE DRIED OFF QUITE NICELY.

10:40 - Hey, it's Prince. And he's here to announce the Record of the Year. So he simply walks out and says, "Here are the nominees for Record of the Year." This category is always confusing, 'cause it's really for song of the year, so why not just call it that? Regardless, Gotye wins, and in his acceptance speech kind of makes fun of Prince -- err, not makes fun of him, but sort of busts Prince's chops for carrying a cane (oh, by the way, Prince is carrying a cane) -- then feels bad for making fun of Prince and then praises Prince. Then his ladyfriend praises Prince, too. Prince doesn't give a shit. He's carrying a cane. He's also wearing a hood. I get the feeling my wife was kinda upset at me for not letting her watch Downton Abs tonight.

10:53 - IN MEMORIUM -- this is always nice: Donna Summer, EARL SCRUGGS (BANJO GUY), Davy Jones, Dick Clark, MCA, Ravi Shankar, LEVON HELM, and a female Mexican singer named Jenni Rivera. Never heard of her, but I'm way into any and every female Mexican singer so I'm gonna Google her:

OH GOOD GOD. RIP SISTER. RIP. 

I am legitimately sad that I never got to experience Jenni Rivera. GONE TOO SOON. She coulda lived to 80, I have no idea.

10:59 - Megaboner time for the Evster. A group of people (INCLUDING ALABAMA SHAKES LADY) sing The Band's "Take a Load Off Annie" while Elton John wears his second pair of blue sunglasses of the night. The camera pans to Katy Perry who I think is now dating John Mayer? So many mixed emotions right now.

11:15 - Album of the Year nominees: Black Keys, Fun., Mumfords, Frank Ocean and Jack White.

Mumford wins.

Wow. I'd put an exclamation point after "Mumford wins," but I'm way too tired right now. It's 11:15 for cryin' out loud!

WHOA WHOA WHOA.

Mumfees are British???

Did people know this?

How could there be a Mexican lady on this earth who looked like that without me knowing and being able to appreciate her. I BLAME ALL OF YOU.

I'M ANGRY, OKAY?

THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY GRIEVE.

11:24 - LL, Chuck D, Z Trip, Travis Barks and some other guy close out the night with a rip-roaring, flip-flooring, zipple-zoor mega-mau-mau rap sesh that would've been exciting if it wasn't 11:30 on a school night.

I'm so ready for bed. Gonna go join my wife / try not to wake her / not get kicked in the belly.

GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!

HASHTAG GRAMMYS!











Section dedicated to being mad at my friend Rart who recently told me he no longer reads TVMWW: Hey Rart, THANKS FOR NOTHIN' YOU BIG FAT JERK.