Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor: You Know What This Post Is Gonna Be About

Gotta be honest, that's a pretty nice right arm. 

Look, let's get right to it.

No clever introductory paragraph, no overall theme, no shim-sham. Let's just discuss the fact that there's a one-armed lady on the Bachelor and she seriously has one arm.

And I'm sorry. I'm SORRY, okay? But that's how it's gonna be. She is the lady with one arm. She is the lady who has one good arm and one not-arm, and no matter what she does in her life, whether she cures cancer or stabs a person in the face or throws a goddamn no-hitter for the New York Yankees, she will still be remembered as the lady with one arm. And that's sad for her!

CHRIS HARRISON:  Hey, whadya think of that one lady?

SEAN:  Which one?

CHRIS HARRISON:  The blonde with the white dress.

SEAN Don't remember her.

CHRIS HARRISON Sure ya do. She was kinda short, works in advertising.

SEAN:  Nah, can't picture her.

CHRIS HARRISON:  She was really nice. You didn't really talk to her 'til the end, but I think you guys mighta had a mome.

SEAN:  Not ringin a bell.

CHRIS HARRISON:  Dude, you kissed her and said she was one of the sweetest women you ever met.

SEAN:  Ehh, doesn't sound like anyone I know.

CHRIS HARRISON:  You had sex with her on the pool table.

SEAN:  Nawww.

CHRIS HARRISON:  She was moaning like crazy. The whole house was shaking, I think a lamp fell on some other girl's head. There was blood everywhere.

SEAN:  You said brown hair?

CHRIS HARRISON:  Here's a picture of her. Her name's Sarah.

SEAN:  Nah, I don't think I ... I don't think I know ...

CHRIS HARRISON:  She has one arm?

SEAN:  Oh right right right right rightttt. The lady with one armmmmm.

CHRIS HARRISON:  Yeah, she had that one arm and then her other arm wasn't really like a whole arm.

SEAN:  Yeah, definitely. I remember her. Nice lady. One arm.

Yo, how amazing is that pillow!

Now I have no problem with people having one arm. I had a friend in college who had one arm. (That's not true I've never met anyone in my life who had one arm and if I did I probably couldn't stop asking 'em about it because I'd feel like everyone would be avoiding it, but why should we avoid it? That'd only make the person more uncomfortable and if there's one thing I'm about in this world it's making people comfortable.) Sarah (that's her name! she actually has a name!) is really sweet though (which is nice for her!), but that doesn't make up for the whole one arm thing and she has absolutely no shot of winning this show. And that's double sad for her!

The whole show is sad, really. It's just one massively depressing NCAA Tournament filled with a bunch of insecure women who shave their legs approximately 13 times every day and I CANNOT WAIT 'til they're hanging out barefoot in their pajamas this is the best show everrrrr!!!!

One of the saddest women of them all was the Professional Organizer who grew up an orphan. For decades this girl was bounced around from foster home to foster home -- with no control over her surroundings, no space to call her own -- so now she feels the need to keep her life in order by making up a whole entire profession. Unfortunately, no dudes enjoy living with women who obsessively straighten up (not that I know anything about women who like shoes to be "LINED UP BY THE DOOR RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT").


What's up with our radiator? Was that jawn built in 19 ought 6?

Some of the other ladies seemed very confused. During the driveway introductions, Danielle (possibly on mescaline) told Sean, "You're meeting all these beautiful girls tonight so I thought we could do a handshake," which I guess is a cool thing to say to a person besides the fact that IT MAKES  NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Another lady (the Hawaiian jawn with the nose ring who my wife says is from Seattle) said to Sean, "Find me inside for a dance," because normally on the first ep of the Bach everyone goes inside and dances. Then there was some lady who said, "I'm not the type of girl who will fight over aguy," proving that in the last 10 years of her life she's never once sat down and watched five minutes of this show. 

There were some chicks who I liked though:

- Selma (the one with the WONGO-BONGOS) 
- The football snapper-lady (the one with the football)
- Dirty Diana (the one with the two kids aka the one who will not get picked because she has two annoying kids)
- One-armed Willy (sad for her!)
- #Brooke (the only one of the black chicks who I would seriously consider to maybe appear in the background of my rap video)

It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. 

I'm not sure what I think of Sean.

Part of me thinks the guy is a total idiot, because he A) drives a Wrangler and B) agreed to go on a television show called the Bachelor, but another part of me loves him because he has a chest like a goddamn ox. When they showed him all sweaty and lifting weights with his rock hard nips that looked like Parcheesi pieces, I kinda wanted to bite his tits. And I don't mean that in a gay way, no, not in a gay way at all. In a totally hetero, just one dude putting another dude's nips in his mouth, biting down with his front two teeth and bottom incisors, totally hetero, TOTALLY HETERO. His nipples dancing inside the front of my mouth, maybe, MAYBE grazing them with my tongue no big deal just goin' with it, just a couple of guys goin' with it, just sittin' back and enjoying the ride and feeling another man's nipples between your teeth, and the hot breath steaming on your skin, #totallyhetero.

Sean's decision-making sure is questionable, though. He gave that first impression rose to the lady who pretty much seems to be the Lisa Left Eye Lopes of the group. And he also sent Ashley (the 50 Shades of Grey lady) home WHICH WAS JUST DUMB. I mean, at least keep her around to see what's she's capable of and from the way that she grinded her ass against that stone cold wall, I THINK SHE WAS CAPABLE OF QUITE A LOT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

The upcoming season still looks pretty bonks, though.

Left Eye Lopes looks like she breaks her neck at some point. Some dude (who looks like the biggest tweedle-dick ever) comes on the show to take back his woman. Sean takes a couple chicks to the boneyard. Chris Harrison does nothing. And you'll get to read about it all here, every week, at TV My Wurf Welpches dots blogspots dots coms!

This is no way to live.





I have some turrible news that's not really that turrible. I have to do this thing for work every Mondee night from 6pm to 8pm, so I probably won't get home in time for the Bach. BUT, according to Comcast, aka the devil, a DVR box should be arriving at our home in the next 12 years. So that's exciting. Also exciting: this video that David Spade made for Funny or Die about an honest Bachelor. Also also exciting: this lady's giant dog

Twitta: @TVMWW

16 comments:

  1. What's in the Crate & Barrel bag? I bet it's dildos. C&B has the best dilds. And the selection!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is what my blog inspires, huh? Dild comments. Hey, I guess ya gotta just embrace it.

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  2. TWO pairs of Crocs? Hiz-n-herz? Gross.

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    Replies
    1. OMG THERE'S ONLY ONE PAIR OF CROCS (HERS) ... THE OTHERS ARE SLIPPERS (ALSO HERS)

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  3. Was thinking that the tie that crazy 50 Shades googly eyes lady had smells like liverwurst, just a hunch.

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    Replies
    1. I feel like that only adds to the eroticism.

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  4. where the fuck are my quotes i live tweeted that shit during the national 'ship for a reason

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    1. I appreciate your enthusiasm and first time long time status (not that long) and I'M SORRY ... you are still my third favourite twitterer ... behind: @turbo_timmy (best hashtagger in the biz) and @youngpaulkilla (a high school kid from West Philly who jacks fools and also does homework)

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    2. let's talk bout how if anyone's twitter was to be quoted in this sham of a blog, it would be mine.
      also- I just realized that I know 2 people with only one hand and 2 people with only one arm.

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    3. DO YOU LIVE IN BOSNIA???

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  5. UPON FURTHER REVIEW: My weef reminded me last night that we KNEW a chick with one arm when we were in college. I was most def drunk both times I met her and I'm sure I stared inappropriately. Wherever that woman is, I'm sorry (and how's life, btw? Can we get coffee and have some arm talk?)

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    Replies
    1. DID YOU GO TO THE UNIVERSITY OF BOSNIA?

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  6. lot of Bosnia talk, I like this.

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those doubleyews (doubleyous, double-us?) are awesome. Could you list of the font used?

      Delete