Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Bachelor Preview: Meet Ashley, Ashley, AshLee, Ashleigh, Ashlie, Ashli and Arthur Asheley

Sean poses with women who look absolutely nothing
like the 2011 National Champion UCONN Huskies. 

These days, one rarely gets to make a genuine first impression. Before you've actually met a person, they've probably Googled you, looked at your Facebook pics, skimmed through your LinkedIn account, wondered why people have LinkedIn accounts and made themselves a LinkedIn account so they could dive deeper into people's LinkedIn accounts. 

It's a little deceiving, it's probably unfair, but it's a reality. So before Monday night's Bach premiere, why not do a little sniffing around our new Bachelorettes? 

Below are some of the 25 women who are going to try and have sex with Sean on national television. Their comments (provided by ABC.com) are in BLACK. Mine are in BLEU cheese. 




Unbelievable.

Right off the bat, we've got a "Personal Organizer" who spells her name with a capital letter in the middle of it. How is this acceptable? HOW IS THIS ACCEPTABLE?!?! And how am I ALREADY this fired up??? Maybe because AshLee's name isn't even spelled right in the first place. Even if there were no capital L, it's Ashley, not Ashlee! This show is going to kill me. It is going to kill me.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
Adele, I want to hear her story behind her music. Then I'd have her sing to me the rest of lunch.


Oh yeah, 'cause it would be totally normal to share a corned beef special with a woman while SHE SINGS TO YOU from across the table. I cannot think of anything more uncomfortable, and that's coming from a guy who wears seven pairs of long underwear whenever he goes skiing/to the grocery store. 

What is your most embarrassing moment?
Back in the Britney Spears low jeans day... I was dancing & my pants ripped along the butt, middle butt seam. I had to stand against the wall until a friend gave me his shirt to cover my butt!


That's not your most embarrassing moment. That's not your most embarrrasing moment at all. You know what your most embarrassing moment was??? Admitting to the world that you'd want Adele to SING TO YOU during a totttalllllyyyyy cazj lunchdate no big deal just sing a few songs cuz that's totally normal just singing in a restaurant it happens all the time IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.  

How long does it take you to get ready to go out for a big night on the town? As long as I'm allowed. I could easily take 3 hours.

OF COURSE YOU COULD!!!






Typical ABC. They finally get a sista on the show, and she looks exactly like Ross's ex-girlfriend from Friends

What are your favorite foods? Anything prepared with organic products; but I love everything!

Oh, c'monnnn. "Organic products?" Can't you just answer the question? We get it, you're healthy, you're open-minded, you're regular, but you're INDECISIVE -- and it will take you and your spouse HOURS to figure out what to have for dinner every night -- and thus any relationship you have will be doomed. 

Her hair has tremendous body, though. Whaddya think, Pantene? Gotta be Pantene. That jawn is like 8 bucks a bottle!





Just so we're all on the same page here, that's three Ashleys in a row. 

Do you condier yourself a romantic and why? Yes! extremely I wear my <3 on my sleeve and tend to let my emotions rule over my head and romantic attention (I am a Leo).

How hard is it to write out the word "heart"? Is that difficult? Am I missing something here? It's not like it's one of those really hard words to spell like "separated" or "Ashley." And the thing is, <3 doesn't even look like a heart!!! It looks like a carrot. Like a 100% organic carrot. Actually, y'know what? Y'know what it looks like? It looks like a < sign followed by a 3. 

This is officially driving me mental. I need to take a break. I'm going to get a glass of water. I hope the next woman is bout it bout it.


BUT BEFORE I GET SOME WATER, ONE MORE THING ABOUT ALL THESE ASHLEYS: Over the next few months, we're gonna have to listen to Sean refer to these Ashleys as, "AshLee F, Ashley H. and Ashley P." when no dude would EVER call them that. They'd be "The Chick Who Has That Dumb Capital Letter in Her Name," "The One Who Only Orders Cauliflower" and "The Emotional Lady Who Cries All the Time and Why Haven't I Sent Her Home Yet?" 

WEARING YOUR HEART (OR YOUR CARROT) ON YOUR SLEEVE IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA, ASHLEYP.




Another sister!!! 

And this one is a Community Organizer (which means she's an actual sister, not like that fake fashion model sister from above who the more I look at her, I'm not even sure she's a sister). 

What is your favorite memory from your childhood? Teaching myself how to ride a bike after asking a neighbor to take the training wheels off my bike.

Yo, this lady taught herself to ride a bike??? No father figure in the picture? She is a LEGIT sister. I love her. I'm guessing Sean will vote her off the first week. 





"Catherine." My wife's name is Catherine. Beautiful name. Beautiful woman. This could go either way -- Catherine could be a perfectly nice, caring and accepting person, or a total trainwreck.

Who do you admire most in the world and why?
Anyone who can look beyond themselves and unselfishly help others. Giving more than they may have. They are an example for us all.


Oh good God. Leaning towards trainwreck. 

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Absolutely. Love is the best and expressing it to someone is so special.


ALL ABOARDDDDDDDDD. 




Dirty Diana!

Owns her own salon -- get that paper, girl!

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
Taylor Swift, because I can't sing and I would love to know what it feels like to be extremely talented.


I see you rolling your eyes -- Taylor Swift sounds like a lame-o answer -- but this question is much harder than it seems. I mean, think about it for a sec, who would you be for just one day? 

Me personally, I've narrowed my choices down to three: Russell Westbrook, Emilio Estevez and Taylor Swift. Russell (for obvious reasons), Emilio (for even more obvious reasons) and Tay-Tay becuz have you heard her new jam???





Do you prefer team sports or solo sports, and why? Solo sports - I never played on team sports. Skiing and golfing are the two I enjoy.

RED FRAG. 

A woman who never played team sports has zero ability to co-exist with others. I know this because I live with a woman who never played team sports. 


Growing up playing team sports teaches you how to work with others, be excited when they succeed, and how to stay current with all the top 40 mega dance hits. People who play tennis or golf or the viola HAVE MAJOR ATTITUDE PROBLEMS. 




Look, Katie may be a very nice young lady (and Yoga Instructor? that's a banana-bonkers-bonus right there), but this woman uses horse shampoo. And there's no way that Sean (nor any other dude) wants to live with a woman who uses horse shampoo. That's just a fact. That's a medical fact. 


Didn't I blog about horse shampoo before?
Man, this blog-blog is getting tired. 





What is your favorite all-time book and why? "Sassy, Single, and Satisfied" - it's a book about loving who you are first and foremost so you can cultivate the best in all your relationships.

It is INCREDIBLE how much women love self-help books. And even more incredible that some of them use horse shampoo. It smells like oats!




Doesn't matter what Keriann says below, I cannot get over the fact that the hair hanging down her back makes it look like she has the hairiest, blondest, left armpit ever. 

What does being married mean to you? It's a commitment, a friendship, a devotion of honesty, truth and true love. It's also a willingness to be less selfish and accept someone as your other half.

THOSE ARE ACTUALLY SOME GOOD POINTS. 

I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH. 




Hello there, lunatic.  

What are your top 3 all-time favorite movies?
1. Something's Gotta Give
2. Dirty Dancing
3. Father of the Bride

Maybe Kristy didn't understand the question. Maybe she thought they asked, "What are 3 movies that are kinda decent and you might want to watch on a Saturday afternoon while your husband goes bowling?" because no worthwhile human being would ever list those three flicks as their TOP 3 ALL-TIME FAVES. 

I mean, even if I was pressed to answer that question RIGHT NOW without thinking, I'm going:

1. Hoop Dreams
2. Rushmore
3. Air Dog

It's not like I think Kristy's list is HORRIBLE. That's not the case at all. It's just "3 ALL-TIME FAVES." This is a make it or break it question! Men are judgmental!

For the rec, my wife's 3 all-time faves are:

1. Royal Tenenbaums
2. Help!
3. The Sound of Music

And okay, fine, Sound of Music is clammy as shit, BUT TWO OUTTA THREE, YO.  

Do you prefer team sports or solo sports, and why? Solo - because I like to control my own destiny. 


Do you hear the people SING?
Singing the song of angry men. 



You know what? I think I'm being a little too hard on these ladies. Maybe it's not easy to make yourself look good in just three short questions?

I'm gonna try this. 




What is your favorite all-time book and why? In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote. The author's ability to make his readers feel compassion for two ruthless killers shows that everyone on this earth, even scumbags, are still human beings. Also, Playboy's Barefoot Beauties vol. 1 and 2 are both solid reads.  

What is your most embarrassing moment? When I was in college, I totally busted a nut while grinding with this chick on the dance floor. She had no idea, but around a year later my buddy started dating her and told her. 

What does being married mean to you? She was a REALLY good dancer, okay???




Journalist!

That's somethin'.  And people from Rhode Isles are normally somewhat intelligent. This Lauren lady has promise. 

What is your favorite all-time book and why?
"The Best Advice I ever got" compiled by Katie Couric. This book is full of great life lessons from people in all career fields.


KATIE COURIC. 

WORLD RENOWNED ADVICE-GIVER, KATIE COURIC. 

The only advice I'd ever wanna get from Katie Couric was if I had to give Matt Lauer a footjob and needed to know if he liked it soft and fluffy or ruffneck-style (mashing a dude's balls with your heel). 




A third black lady???

Wow, ABC must've gotten some angry letters over the past few months about not having enough flava (that's white people talk for "flavor" which means "black people"). Lisa Leslie seems intriguing. Due to a glitch on ABC's website, she's either a 29-year-old Poker Dealer from Ruskin, Florida (MEGA HOT) or a 26-year-old Advertising Exec from Colorads (BORRRINNNGGGGGG). Let's see what she has to say for herself / how she will ruin her intrigue.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? This might sound weird but I think being a homeless person. To see how they truly live their life and the struggles they go through and how they got there. So one day, I can help change the number of homeless people that end up living on the streets.

OH GET OVER YOURSELF, JEAN VALJEAN, JR. 

You know what? I've figured out who I would be for one day: I'd definitely be Taylor Swift. 

I'd start off the day by setting up a webcam in my bathroom and shaving my legs for anyone who wanted to watch. Then I'd call up Russell Westbrook and see if he wanted to get some brunch. Then I'd cancel on Russell West (BECAUSE I'M TAYLOR SWIFT, GODDAMMIT) and then I'd call Rajon Rondo to see if he wanted to get some shots up. Then I'd go home and take a nap. Then I'd record a collabo-jawn with Beanie Sigel all about how TV My Wife Watches is the illest (the track would be called "Now That's What I Call Bonks vol. 37") and that shit would be hot fire and the next day TVMWW's twitter account would get MAD new followers, none of whom would be homeless people because they can't slay me!!!





This is just incredible. Of the 25 ladies that Sean gets to choose from, FOUR of them are black. That's a pretty good ratio!

Unfortunately, on the first ep, I think Sean gets to cut 5 women. Fortunately, there's no way he'll eliminate all of them on night one, because then he'd be the most racist dude EVER. So I think he's gonna get rid of two of them the first night, another soon after, and let this lady hang around until he eventually dumps her ass on a 2on1 date with a woman that he actually likes. I can't believe I just legitimately broke down Bachelor strategy. I hate myself.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
Going on a stake out to stalk my friend's ex-boyfriend.


I respect that.
 
If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it? 
I'm not shy. I will go straight up to the person, tap them on the shoulder and say hello.

OF COURSE YOU WOULD BECAUSE YOU'RE A CONFIDENT BLACK WOMAN AND YOU MANAGE OILFIELDS. 




WOWZERS.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Oprah, just because who wouldn't want to have lunch with Oprah and pick her brain for an hour.

I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THE NOTRE DAME - ALABAMA GAME. 

I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT VERY, VERY MUCH.  






Yo, it is a TRAVESTY that the Bach premiere is on at the EXACT SAME TIME as the Notre Dame - Alabama game. Luckily, I'm pretty sure that you can live-steam the game on ESPN3.com. Also, I'm aware that I'm probably the only person without DVR. Also, did you know that I wrote a jawn about the Sixers for the700level.com -- a Philly sports website? You can read it here. Or you can follow me on Twitter @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can just check out this dog sitting on a horse. That's what I'd do

11 comments:

  1. #TeamBrooke

    If you bout it bout it then *I'M* bout it bout it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love Brooke very much, love her sweet chocolate skin, love her normally spelled name, love the fact that she could beat me in arm wrestling (as could any woman anywhere), but she has NO SHOT, Meechy. NONE.

      Delete
  2. The one thing that <3 doesn't have going for it is that it is definitely NOT a doctor, nor is it capable of breakdancing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welp that's two things. Oh well. I <3 this blog.

      Delete
    2. I forgot about that breakdancing carrot! Did he have a name?

      Dr. Carrie!!!

      http://tvmywifewatches.blogspot.com/2012/10/i-drew-picture-of-carrot-breakdancing.html

      Delete
  3. I <3 your blog . That is all.

    Well, no it's not, don't knock my beloved UConn Huskies. I also <3 me some Ray Allen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Connecticut Cupcakes??? This could be the best connection ever. Send me some cupcakes and I'll send you some word documents!

      Delete
  4. hahaha. I do need a full time job but I'd make a horrible admin assistant as I'd spend my day either looking for new cupcake recipes or checking espn.com to see if a conference other than the big south offered uconn a home.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm excited for The Bachelor, but quite possibly more excited for your recaps...also, thanks for the new(ish) vocab word- my four year old tells everyone he has a cool shwee-shwoop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your four-year-old needs to get a Big Daddy Kane flat top!

      Delete
  6. Hello there, lunatic.

    I can't stop laughing. I am so excited for the bach I caon't even handle it. I just love the crazy so much

    ReplyDelete