Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Bachelor Episode 3: Some Quotes, Notes and Another Word That Rhymes With Otes, How 'bout Goats?

Hmmm, today I think I'll wear my linen pants. 

During last night's Scenes from the Next, Robyn (the black chick) looked Sean dead in the eye and asked him, "Do you want a taste of chocolate?"

Now I'm guessing that next week it will be revealed that Robyn was really asking Sean if he wanted a Krackel bar or something, ruining the most awesome dirty talking the show has ever seen. But until then a man can dream, so I'll be hoping that next week Robyn mounts Sean and grinds her ching-chang against his crotch, setting fire to his underwear and burning the entire Bachelor mansion to the ground. Then the hunky L.A firemen will hurry over (again) and the house will be reignited by a seventeen-way fuckfest. This show needs to get picked up by Showtime. 

But for now, while it's still broadcast on lame-o network television, let's take a look at some of the best non-sexual-chocolate quotes from last night's ep. 

"I'm ready to take this date to the next level." 
- Lesley, before taking her date to the next level

Lesley knows how to take dates to the next level!  

Normally I think kissing is borrrriiiinnnggggg, but Lesley's got some sneaky And-1 mixtape tricks in her back pocket. Before this show, she must've worked at the Hair Cuttery or something because I've never seen a woman massage a man's scalp quite like Les. She dug her nails in, mushed Sean's face, and greatly influenced the fact that I tried to impregnate my wife in the 11 o'clock hour. For the record, every thirty-something dude with a working penis will tell you that getting his hair shampooed at Hair Cuttery is the monthly highlight of his pathetic, shitbag of a life. 

I'll sometimes go three weeks without washing my hair just so my shampooer will have to scrub my head that much harder. While most dudes like to sit back, close their eyes and enjoy the ride, I keep my jawns WIDE OPEN, locking eyes HARD with whoever is washing my hair, sometimes even biting my lower lip and letting the sudsy water drip into my mouth, blowing bubbles, all the while keeping my eyes on the target, ALWAYS on the target. I also like to tell the hostess that my name is Claude. 


"I like volleyball." - My wife

Me too! 

Especially when it's being played by ten women who look absolutely nothing like women I normally hang out with. No disrespect to the women I normally hang out with, it's just that when we go to the beach, it's one-piece city. And I understand, most of my ladyfriends have pumped out a few kids and spend most of their time at the beach wiping snot off their kids' noses and breast feeding (which is a whole different kind of beautiful), but these ladies? These bachelorette ladies? So hot. So hairless.

When I was around 24 or so, my brother The Lon Mon moved to Los Angeles, which was weird because my brother is the least LA dude on the planet. He loves to wear socks. I can't remember why he moved there -- it mighta been for work -- but for the sake of making this story somewhat interesting, let's just say that he signed a 10-day contract with the Clippers. 

So when L Mon signed with the Clips, I flew out there to help him settle in. He rented a house in Venice and while he went to work practice each day, I spent my time setting up his place and walking along the beach / oogling chicks in bikinis. One day I spotted three high school girls playing volleyball and decided to get involved. 

"Y'all need a fourth?"


I whipped off my shirt and raced to join them. It was many years ago and I can't remember every detail, but I'm pretty sure that one of the chicks starting violently choking. I might've been wearing high tops. For the next hour, every time I got the ball, I tried to spike it right through their teenage tits. Whenever one of them would serve, I'd stand right by the net and try to look directly into my opponent's vagina. It was without a doubt the greatest day of my life. This story has no purpose at all, I'm just tryin' to say that chicks who play volleyball in bikinis are totally bonks and I love my wife and our friends very much. 

Ahhhh, can you smell the sunscreen?
I can. I really can.

"Losing that game was literally my worst nightmare." 
- Daniella, proving that she probably doesn't know the meaning of the word "literally." Nor does she know what the words "worst" and "nightmare" mean. 

Daniella's a drug addict, right? She has to be a drug addict.

"Act like Kacie, not this crazy person that I'm seeing." - Sean, after Kacie was straight snitchin' on some chicks

How could Kacie B -- A BACHELOR VETERAN -- think that tattling on other chicks would be a good idea? Has she seen the show? I know she's been on the show, but has she ever actually seen it? Her talking isht on those ladies ranks right up there with some of the all-time dumbest moves in Bach history, including the time that guy got a tattoo of a heart on his forearm, the time that same guy sang an a capella song on top of a mountain, and the time that same guy agreed to go on the Bachelorette.  

Lance Darson attempts to break his personal best boner record. 

"This is the best day of my life." - One of those two little girls who is dying. I can't remember which one. Not even sure if she said this, but she should've. 

The most unbelievably heartwarming segment ever. ABC closes Six Flags down for the day so that two dying girls can run around the amusement park willy nilly. Meanwhile, a lady who was raised by wolves falls in love with quite possibly the sweetest man in America. And I'm supposed to make fun of this? I'm supposed to come up with some sarcastic quip to entertain you? Am I not human? Am I using the word "quip" correctly?

Look, to the casual viewer, yes that segment was wonderful. But to a trained reality television expert, it was obvious that that girl had a fake tracheotomy. You could totally tell! You could see the strings attached to her neck and everything, all set up by the ABC producers and oh my God I can't do this, this is wrong, that girl was so lovely I hope she never googles herself and reads this, I'm sorry young girl, I'm sorry!

My kid is definitely gonna be born with three limbs.

Sexual Chocolate everybody!

Sexual Chocolate!

Starting next week, I am NOT going to be able to watch The Bach live -- I have this stupid work commitment on Monday nights so I'm gonna have to DVR the show and watch it later. So expect these posts to be a little delayed. If that upsets you, then I recommend you check out one of these very fine psychiatrists. Or you could cope the way that my friend Leroy is.

Also, read this Bachelor collabo-grabbo that I wrote with Zoo With Roy for his bolg that has like a billion readers.

Also, if my friend Rart is reading this, scroll down for a secret message for you ...

Suck my butttttttttt!

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