Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Bachelor Ep 2: A Thorough Critical Analysis of the Show's Highest and Lowest Points

Finally found someone I could take in arm wrestling. 

Every time my wife and I get Chinese food, we go bonks, ordering 15 entrees, 11 side dishes, and absolutely zero beverages (we always forget!). I like some of the things we order (General Tso's chick, egg rolls, CRAB RANGOON) and I don't like others (tofu in black bean sauce, some sort of spaghetti with shrimp thingie, WATER CHESTNUTS). Inevitably though, every meal ends up with the same result: two very satisfied customers, one of whom's ass explodes like a goddamn gorilla. Pretty similar actually to every episode of the Bach -- so this week, I've decided to break down some of the things that I liked from last night's ep, and some of the things that I did not like.

THING I LIKED:  Sean is not scared of the arm.

He's not scared to talk about the arm, he's not scared to hug around the arm, I wouldn't be surprised if next week he asks to smell the arm. That's nice for the arm, I guess. I could see Seany as one of those husbands who's never grossed out by stuff and is very helpful when his wife needs a wound attended to, like after getting a mole removed. That's very important in a relationship, especially when you're involved with a thirty-something Jewish blogger whose back is straight-up MOLE'D OUT. One-arm lady would be pretty much useless in most nursing situations ... she has one arm!!!

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  There's too much arm!

ABC's constantly showing close-ups of the arm, Whatsherface feels compelled to talk about the arm, it's like, we get it! She has one arm! She's disgusting! Let's learn something else about her, like, how sensitive are her nips? If she has kids, does she plan to breastfeed? WHAT DOES THE ARM SMELL LIKE?

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  Helmet cam.

Enough with the free-fall down a skyscraper stuff, ABC, we've seen it all before. PLUS, THAT'S HOW PEOPLE DIE. If I were on the Bach and my date was like, "Hey Evster! Today we're gonna go jump off this buildi---" ... "Nope. Thank you." Then I'd go bowling.

What's the worst that could happen?

"Ughhhh, I tried to take the Evster on an adventurous date, but he wasn't into it. So we went bowling instead. We had a nice time though, I rolled a strike and we high-fived and then Ev slapped my ass. Then he exposed himself to me."

Worst that could happen!


THAT'S A NICE HORSE.

THING I LIKED:  Lesley dressed up as a cowgirl.

Va-va-va-voooommmmm. There's really nothing hotter than a woman dressed as a cowgirl. Doesn't even really have to be a woman, does it? You could put Theodore Roosevelt in some short shorts and cowboy boots and I'd be like "Dammnnnnn, Teddy! Carry that big stick, young fella!"

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  Lame kissing.

After their one-on-one time, Lesley felt like she had some unfinished biz to attend to and went back to give Sean a little something extra for him to remember her by. Then after she planted one on him, she said, "Just wanted to leave you with that," which was fine, it was fine, whatever, it was fine. But if she really wanted to leave an impression, she shoulda walked up to him twirling her panties around on her finger and said, "Just wanted to leave you with this," and proceeded to shove her panties in her mouth while pouring maple syrup all over her face. Tell me that wouldn't have guaranteed her a top-3 Fantasy Suite finish.

THING I LIKED:  Sean's hair.

There was one segment of the show where he didn't have any product in there. It was very refreshing.

This is the best it's ever looked!

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  The lady with the horse-hair!

Probably the worst hair in the history of television -- and that includes John Stamos.

THIS IS A REAL HUMAN BEING. 

Plus, who sends themselves home ON THE SECOND EP? At least go out with a bang, lady. At least show off some yoga moves and the fact that you can put your feet down your throat. At least introduce us to the family of owls nesting in your scalp! People love owls!

THING I LIKED:  Tierra's pants suit.

Nothing says "I'm ready to take care of biz" quite like a pants suit. Other things that a pants suit says: "I get Ann Taylor Loft coupons sent directly to my inbox," -- "I've been known to conduct power point presentations while using a remote clicker." -- and -- "I have my period."

THING I LIKED:  Sven!

THING I LIKED: HOT TUB!

Normally I'm not attracted to white women -- let alone a skinny jawn like Desiree -- but I gots to say, when that lady rolled out in her purple-nurple bikini??? Wooooo-weeee, Teddy Roosevelt was in the house! No he wasn't. Teddy Roosevelt was not in the house. Teddy Roosevelt was not in any house. I'm sorry, Mr. President. I was just trying to say that I thought Des looked good for a skinny white lady.

Now I love hot tubs as much as the next guy (they're so bubbly!), but I don't think my conversashe with Desiree would've gone quite as "bubbly" (ooooohhhhhhh, see what I did there? please shoot me.) as hers went with Sean. If I had been in his position, I'd envision our conversation going something like this:

The Evster takes off his shirt, staring down at Des waiting for him in the hot tub.

ME:  Yo, you got some nice titties for a white chick.

DESIREE:  Did you always have all that hair on your shoulders?

ME:  Ummmm, not always. Not always. I mean, this group of hairs here, sticking out of my mole, they've always been there, but the rest have kinda popped up in the last ten years. When I'm bored at work, or am in a meeting or something, I sometimes put my hand under my shirt and yank 'em out.

DESIREE:  There's so many sprouts.

ME:  Yeah, there's a lot of sprouts. A lot of sprouts. I got a couple sprouts on the side of my back, too. See? When it gets wet you can really see it.

DESIREE:  Dude, how are you so wet already?

ME:  Perspiration. Your standard male perspiration. It's not weird, I don't use any kind of medicinal deodorant or anything. They were sold out of it at Rite Aid.

DESIREE:  Why are you getting in with your sneakers on?

ME:  Slight foot fungus, not that big of a deal. Comes and goes depending on my internal body temperature. (Slips getting into tub, bashes knee, water splashes everywhere.)

DESIREE:  (Wipes water off her face, looks up to see the Evster standing in front of her, his bathing suit soaking wet, an outline of his enormous cock lined up perfectly in her sights). Well hello there Teddy Roosevelt.


So many whities. 

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  Sean's bathing suit.

Dude rocked some red, candy striped trunks that weren't nearly short enough. This isn't Bloomington, Indiana, and your name's not Damon Bailey Jr., and there's not one TVMWW reader who knows who Damon Bailey is and that is SAD FOR ME.

THING I DID LIKE:  Sean might have AIDS.

The Bach claimed he's dated "everybody" ... white chicks, hispanic chicks, Persian chicks, black chicks ... Teddy Roose would've been proud.

Teddy Roose also wouldn't know what AIDS was.

So rugged.

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  See ya later, Brooke????

UNACCEPTABLE!

WORST SHOW EVER!

SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEK!

SOME LADY GETS HER NECK BROKE!

VERY EROTIC!

THIS JAWN GOES OUT TO BROOKEY-BROOKE, BADDEST CHICK TO EVER APPEAR ON DA BACH.

MISS YOU ALREADY, BOO!





Later this week, I'm planning to write about a show that is not called The Bachelor. Might write about Girls, or What Not to Wear, or Bob's Dick Palace (great show, you should check it out). In the meantime, you can follow me on Twitty-twang or check out this gallery of Sports Illy's top 100 sports photos of all time. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can check out this dope Billie Jean King tshirt I got.


6 comments:

  1. THING I DIDN'T LIKE: The worst Punk'd segment I've ever seen. @aplusk is spinning in his grave.

    Though I think it would be benefish to set up fake dates every now and then just to hear the girl squeal unwittingly about how great it is to pick up trash on the side of the road with Sean or deliver sheep babies while they make out or whatever.

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    Replies
    1. I would love to watch them deliver sheep babies. Do you mean out of the womb? Or once the baby is born, deliver it to someone who ordered a sheep baby? I think I'd prefer tha latter.

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  2. You have ONE reader who knows Damon Bailey! I also know Calbert Cheaney. How come no one is named Calbert anymore?

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    Replies
    1. That's a good point, how come no one is named Calbert anymore? I just looked up the meaning of the name Calbert ... you ready for it? ... it means cowboy!!!

      And according to the site I found that on, other similar baby names are Dalbert, Halbert and Talbert!

      Delete
  3. Damon Bailey....Bedford North High School....Sliz knows

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But do you know someone named Dalbert?!?!

      Delete