Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Bachelor Power Rankings: Episode 4

I want these chicks to slam my face into a wall.

As we get closer and closer to Sean having sex with three women on national television, it's important to start thinking about who he is most likely to have sex with. Actually, I don't know if it's important, none of this is important, in fact the next five minutes of your life will probably be the least important five minutes ever, but sometimes it's just fun to rank things.

So here is the first (and probably only, let's be realistic here) installment of TVMWW's Power Rankings:

*******

1. Lesley - Great performance outta Lesley this week, doing absolutely nothing. If she has any sense, she'll continue to do nothing for the next three months and punch her ticket straight to Fantasy Suite City. That's basically all you want on this show -- like Temple trying to get into the tournament -- just get to the big dance and anything can happen. In this case, she'll get to have sex with a man on national television. That's what would happen.

2. Desiree - Nothin' wrong with being in the Two-hole! Stay the course, keep laughing at Sean's jokes, don't get involved in no drama, and then get invited to the fantasy suite and have sex with a man on national television right after he just had sex with another woman.

3. Selma - MAJOR MOVES by Selma Monday night, becoming the first person in Bach history (poss in reality television history?) who refused to suck on another person's tongue. I don't know if this was a brilliant decision or a major mistake. Part of me thinks it was genius, dangling the carrot, making Sean want her that much more. Another part of me thinks it was ridiculous, because it's not like Sean is just gonna go back to his Bach mansion and jerk off thinking about her, he's going to go tongue some chicks and then grind his dork against some other chick in a hot tub, and then smell a woman's back, and then tongue some more chicks, and then go back to his mansion and jerk off while staring at a Shania Twain album cover (I did that once).

If I were Selma, I would've been like, "Sorry I can't kiss you Sean, but I can do this:" and then I would've spit down the front of my shirt and let the saliva hang down while I stared in his eyes, and then I woulda bit the fleshy part of my own titties and sat back spread eag and made the motion of dild'ing myself and oh my God I'm so sick of writing these blogposts, can you tell? you can totally tell.

And for those of you out there who are like, "There goes the Evster being weird! All for the sake of shock value, Mr. joke man, jokes jokes jokes," you're wrong, I'm being dead serious. That is a FOOLPROOF way to get a man's attention. Ask any man who knows how to use his dork. (Don't bother asking a dude who doesn't know how to use his dork. Those men are worthless.) If any woman ever did that to any man, there could only be two possible outcomes:

The man would either think:

1) "I need to have sex with this woman immediately."
2) "I'm in love this woman."

I don't understand why the women on this show don't get this. It's basic Dudes 101.

By the by, is Selma the hottest chick to ever appear on the Bach? I think it's a toss-up between her and Chantal O from Brad's season. I honestly can't think of one other hot chick in the show's 45-year run. Seriously, have there been any other super duper hot chicks? Yeah, Emily was pretty -- and she had some mega bazooka-blasters -- but Selma and Chantal were legit NO JOKE. I'm giving the nod to Chantal based on the fact that she had an ass like fresh mozzarella cheese and Selma seems like a total snooze. Also she might be a prude. Stick your goddamn tongue into a dude's mouth already! Who cares? It's 2013, AIDS isn't even a thing anymore.

Gorgonzola!

4. Catherine - I kinda think Catherine might be a freak!

5. Neil Lane - Chest like a goddamn ox.

6. Lindsay - Who the hell is Linsday, right? Wedding dress lady. (And the peanut gallery goes, "Ohhhhhh.") Lindsay also got drunk as shit during the first cocktail party and jammed her tongue wayyyyyyy down Sean's throat last night. Plus, she was all ready to go slurpin' and burpin' in the hot tub until Captain Crazy Pants pulled her crouching tiger hidden drag routine. So essentially, Lindsay is Spuds MacKenzie. I'm not saying Spuds has a shot at winning it all, but I think she'll be a pretty dope Bach Pad contestant and could possibly die of AIDS one day (if in fact AIDS is still a thing).

7. AshLee - Too skinny. Too damaged. Too many tube tops.

8. Jackie - I don't remember this woman ever talking (could be a good thing). She also happens to be a redhead and don't ever count out a redhead. (See: Everhart, Angie -- Hendricks, Christina -- insert some dumb joke about a redhead who's not even that hot or doesn't even have red hair God I'm so sick of blogging let's go with "Bonaduce, Danny," that guy is a total tithound.

9. Robyn - I was SO READY for Robyn's "Do you wanna taste some chocolate?" scene and then she went and screwed it all up by giggling. Ladies, here's a little tip for you when you're trying to be sexy, naughty, mysterious, slutty, whatever: DON'T GIGGLE. Don't smile. Don't smirk. Don't break character. Don't show any other human emotion besides DEAD UP I WANT TO FFFFFFFFFF. The ONLY other non-verbal communication worth sending out is some sort of eyebrow raise that lets him him know that you're not afraid to dress up like a Cambodian warlord.

10. Tierra - Poor Tierra, claiming last night that she couldn't take it. And it's true, she really can't. She cannot take this show. That girl is going to have a severe emotional breakdown next week and I'm really looking forward to it.

11. Daniella - I think Sean is trying to help Daniella. It's the only explanation for why she's still on the show. She's a drug addict, he's a Christian, and he's trying to keep her from sucking D for $$$. God I hate his guts.

12. Sean - The dude is lame! Yes, I know he played division 1 football, and yes, I want to gnaw the gristle off his lamb chop thighs, but giving a rose to Tierra after she pulled that meltdown act was UNACCEPTABLE. I even said to my wife while it was happening, "If he gives her that rose, I am DONE with this show," and then he did and I went right back to him a la Sammi and Ronnie. "I am done with him! DONE!" Fifteen minutes later? Slopping on a lamb chop.

13. One-armed Girl - I mean, c'mon.

"What's wrong with the dog, Eddie?"
"He's just yakking on a bone."

Dropped out of this week's rankings:

Amanda - Sad to see her go, because I kinda think Amanda might've had a semi-decent personality, but she look a mess. She look a mess! Decent roller skater though, so that was nice for her.

One quick thing about the roller derb: Before the date, One-arm was all, "I don't think having one arm is gonna hold me back today," but boy was she wrong. Sean might as well have kicked off the date by announcing, "Okay! Today we're gonna count everyone's arms!" Sad for her.

Leslie - Leslie made two major mistakes last night.

1) When she made her grand entrance, instead of carefully tip-toeing down the staircase making sure she didn't trip, she should've just gone for it. She shoulda hiked up her dress and slid down the railing on her bare ass. Then when she got to the bottom, she shoulda spit on her own butt and made Sean watch the saliva drip into her crack.

2) Later, at dinner, when it was becoming apparent that he was sending her home, she should've at least put up a fight! C'mon lady! Think! You're down to the last out! Two strikes! Put your bare foot in his mouth and tell him to shut the fuck up. Then get on all fours, beg him to F you (he would've), get pregnant and then boom, live happily ever aft.

I honestly think that if I went on this show as one of the chicks, I would totally win.

Dudes like sluts!






IS ANYBODY WATCHING DOWNTON ABS? HOLEY MOLEZY! I've had a Downton Abber blorgpost scribbled in my notebook for a few months now and am hoping to get it actually typed out and posted soon. I'm thinkin, ohhhhhhhh, maybe September? In the meantime, I highly recommend checking out Zoo With Roy, the Phillies bolg that I'm trying to steal followers from. It's hilarious. Orrrrrrr, you could just look at this sea dog. That's probably the better move.

5 comments:

  1. So you are totally not buying the 'born again virj' angle? Sean says he's keeping those lambys all to himself.

    Next week on a very special episode of The Bachelor: Sean plays two-hand touch with Sarah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's no reason to ever not have sex with anyone!!!

      THIS IS AMERICA.

      Delete
  2. Did you see Lady Mary at the SAG Awards? Soooo unladylike.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't, but my worf sent me this pic of her side boob!!!

      http://www.peoplestylewatch.com/people/stylewatch/package/gallery/0,,20658242_20667042,00.html?stitched

      That's a nice side boob!

      Delete
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