Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Bachelor Power Rankings: Episode 4

I want these chicks to slam my face into a wall.

As we get closer and closer to Sean having sex with three women on national television, it's important to start thinking about who he is most likely to have sex with. Actually, I don't know if it's important, none of this is important, in fact the next five minutes of your life will probably be the least important five minutes ever, but sometimes it's just fun to rank things.

So here is the first (and probably only, let's be realistic here) installment of TVMWW's Power Rankings:

*******

1. Lesley - Great performance outta Lesley this week, doing absolutely nothing. If she has any sense, she'll continue to do nothing for the next three months and punch her ticket straight to Fantasy Suite City. That's basically all you want on this show -- like Temple trying to get into the tournament -- just get to the big dance and anything can happen. In this case, she'll get to have sex with a man on national television. That's what would happen.

2. Desiree - Nothin' wrong with being in the Two-hole! Stay the course, keep laughing at Sean's jokes, don't get involved in no drama, and then get invited to the fantasy suite and have sex with a man on national television right after he just had sex with another woman.

3. Selma - MAJOR MOVES by Selma Monday night, becoming the first person in Bach history (poss in reality television history?) who refused to suck on another person's tongue. I don't know if this was a brilliant decision or a major mistake. Part of me thinks it was genius, dangling the carrot, making Sean want her that much more. Another part of me thinks it was ridiculous, because it's not like Sean is just gonna go back to his Bach mansion and jerk off thinking about her, he's going to go tongue some chicks and then grind his dork against some other chick in a hot tub, and then smell a woman's back, and then tongue some more chicks, and then go back to his mansion and jerk off while staring at a Shania Twain album cover (I did that once).

If I were Selma, I would've been like, "Sorry I can't kiss you Sean, but I can do this:" and then I would've spit down the front of my shirt and let the saliva hang down while I stared in his eyes, and then I woulda bit the fleshy part of my own titties and sat back spread eag and made the motion of dild'ing myself and oh my God I'm so sick of writing these blogposts, can you tell? you can totally tell.

And for those of you out there who are like, "There goes the Evster being weird! All for the sake of shock value, Mr. joke man, jokes jokes jokes," you're wrong, I'm being dead serious. That is a FOOLPROOF way to get a man's attention. Ask any man who knows how to use his dork. (Don't bother asking a dude who doesn't know how to use his dork. Those men are worthless.) If any woman ever did that to any man, there could only be two possible outcomes:

The man would either think:

1) "I need to have sex with this woman immediately."
2) "I'm in love this woman."

I don't understand why the women on this show don't get this. It's basic Dudes 101.

By the by, is Selma the hottest chick to ever appear on the Bach? I think it's a toss-up between her and Chantal O from Brad's season. I honestly can't think of one other hot chick in the show's 45-year run. Seriously, have there been any other super duper hot chicks? Yeah, Emily was pretty -- and she had some mega bazooka-blasters -- but Selma and Chantal were legit NO JOKE. I'm giving the nod to Chantal based on the fact that she had an ass like fresh mozzarella cheese and Selma seems like a total snooze. Also she might be a prude. Stick your goddamn tongue into a dude's mouth already! Who cares? It's 2013, AIDS isn't even a thing anymore.

Gorgonzola!

4. Catherine - I kinda think Catherine might be a freak!

5. Neil Lane - Chest like a goddamn ox.

6. Lindsay - Who the hell is Linsday, right? Wedding dress lady. (And the peanut gallery goes, "Ohhhhhh.") Lindsay also got drunk as shit during the first cocktail party and jammed her tongue wayyyyyyy down Sean's throat last night. Plus, she was all ready to go slurpin' and burpin' in the hot tub until Captain Crazy Pants pulled her crouching tiger hidden drag routine. So essentially, Lindsay is Spuds MacKenzie. I'm not saying Spuds has a shot at winning it all, but I think she'll be a pretty dope Bach Pad contestant and could possibly die of AIDS one day (if in fact AIDS is still a thing).

7. AshLee - Too skinny. Too damaged. Too many tube tops.

8. Jackie - I don't remember this woman ever talking (could be a good thing). She also happens to be a redhead and don't ever count out a redhead. (See: Everhart, Angie -- Hendricks, Christina -- insert some dumb joke about a redhead who's not even that hot or doesn't even have red hair God I'm so sick of blogging let's go with "Bonaduce, Danny," that guy is a total tithound.

9. Robyn - I was SO READY for Robyn's "Do you wanna taste some chocolate?" scene and then she went and screwed it all up by giggling. Ladies, here's a little tip for you when you're trying to be sexy, naughty, mysterious, slutty, whatever: DON'T GIGGLE. Don't smile. Don't smirk. Don't break character. Don't show any other human emotion besides DEAD UP I WANT TO FFFFFFFFFF. The ONLY other non-verbal communication worth sending out is some sort of eyebrow raise that lets him him know that you're not afraid to dress up like a Cambodian warlord.

10. Tierra - Poor Tierra, claiming last night that she couldn't take it. And it's true, she really can't. She cannot take this show. That girl is going to have a severe emotional breakdown next week and I'm really looking forward to it.

11. Daniella - I think Sean is trying to help Daniella. It's the only explanation for why she's still on the show. She's a drug addict, he's a Christian, and he's trying to keep her from sucking D for $$$. God I hate his guts.

12. Sean - The dude is lame! Yes, I know he played division 1 football, and yes, I want to gnaw the gristle off his lamb chop thighs, but giving a rose to Tierra after she pulled that meltdown act was UNACCEPTABLE. I even said to my wife while it was happening, "If he gives her that rose, I am DONE with this show," and then he did and I went right back to him a la Sammi and Ronnie. "I am done with him! DONE!" Fifteen minutes later? Slopping on a lamb chop.

13. One-armed Girl - I mean, c'mon.

"What's wrong with the dog, Eddie?"
"He's just yakking on a bone."

Dropped out of this week's rankings:

Amanda - Sad to see her go, because I kinda think Amanda might've had a semi-decent personality, but she look a mess. She look a mess! Decent roller skater though, so that was nice for her.

One quick thing about the roller derb: Before the date, One-arm was all, "I don't think having one arm is gonna hold me back today," but boy was she wrong. Sean might as well have kicked off the date by announcing, "Okay! Today we're gonna count everyone's arms!" Sad for her.

Leslie - Leslie made two major mistakes last night.

1) When she made her grand entrance, instead of carefully tip-toeing down the staircase making sure she didn't trip, she should've just gone for it. She shoulda hiked up her dress and slid down the railing on her bare ass. Then when she got to the bottom, she shoulda spit on her own butt and made Sean watch the saliva drip into her crack.

2) Later, at dinner, when it was becoming apparent that he was sending her home, she should've at least put up a fight! C'mon lady! Think! You're down to the last out! Two strikes! Put your bare foot in his mouth and tell him to shut the fuck up. Then get on all fours, beg him to F you (he would've), get pregnant and then boom, live happily ever aft.

I honestly think that if I went on this show as one of the chicks, I would totally win.

Dudes like sluts!






IS ANYBODY WATCHING DOWNTON ABS? HOLEY MOLEZY! I've had a Downton Abber blorgpost scribbled in my notebook for a few months now and am hoping to get it actually typed out and posted soon. I'm thinkin, ohhhhhhhh, maybe September? In the meantime, I highly recommend checking out Zoo With Roy, the Phillies bolg that I'm trying to steal followers from. It's hilarious. Orrrrrrr, you could just look at this sea dog. That's probably the better move.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Bachcap for Zoo With Roy

My friend Jonny Hitops is only attracted to women whose thighs don't touch. 

Here's my latest Bachcap for Zoo With Roy.

And here's a guy named Nerlens.

I'm a guy named Nerlens. 

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Evster's Guide On: How To Make Your Own Jerseys

Best hightop fade ever?

Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers, I wrote this jawn for The 700 Level about my homemade jerseys. Here's the intro paragraph, and then there's a link-a-dink-dink to the rest of it down below.

So you wanna be a baller. 

You’ve got a dope haircut, some fresh sneaks and a $400-a-week cocaine habit, but do you have the one key attribute that certifies your P.I.M.P. status? No, I’m not talking about cocaine, you have the cocaine, you have plenty of cocaine – and I’m not talking about “power” or “respect” or “swag” or any of that dumb stuff that doesn’t really mean anything – I’m talking about a jersey, an authentic NBA jersey. Didn’t you read the title of this post? It’s not like it should be a surprise, this article is gonna be about jerseys, all about jerseys. It’s right up top in huge bold print. Geez.


You can read the rest here

Or if you don't like reading things, just peep the photo gallery of the jerseys here

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just look at this picture of a duck straight chillin. 


Yo, she kinda sexy as hell. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Bachelor Episode 3: Some Quotes, Notes and Another Word That Rhymes With Otes, How 'bout Goats?

Hmmm, today I think I'll wear my linen pants. 

During last night's Scenes from the Next, Robyn (the black chick) looked Sean dead in the eye and asked him, "Do you want a taste of chocolate?"

Now I'm guessing that next week it will be revealed that Robyn was really asking Sean if he wanted a Krackel bar or something, ruining the most awesome dirty talking the show has ever seen. But until then a man can dream, so I'll be hoping that next week Robyn mounts Sean and grinds her ching-chang against his crotch, setting fire to his underwear and burning the entire Bachelor mansion to the ground. Then the hunky L.A firemen will hurry over (again) and the house will be reignited by a seventeen-way fuckfest. This show needs to get picked up by Showtime. 

But for now, while it's still broadcast on lame-o network television, let's take a look at some of the best non-sexual-chocolate quotes from last night's ep. 

"I'm ready to take this date to the next level." 
- Lesley, before taking her date to the next level

Lesley knows how to take dates to the next level!  

Normally I think kissing is borrrriiiinnnggggg, but Lesley's got some sneaky And-1 mixtape tricks in her back pocket. Before this show, she must've worked at the Hair Cuttery or something because I've never seen a woman massage a man's scalp quite like Les. She dug her nails in, mushed Sean's face, and greatly influenced the fact that I tried to impregnate my wife in the 11 o'clock hour. For the record, every thirty-something dude with a working penis will tell you that getting his hair shampooed at Hair Cuttery is the monthly highlight of his pathetic, shitbag of a life. 

I'll sometimes go three weeks without washing my hair just so my shampooer will have to scrub my head that much harder. While most dudes like to sit back, close their eyes and enjoy the ride, I keep my jawns WIDE OPEN, locking eyes HARD with whoever is washing my hair, sometimes even biting my lower lip and letting the sudsy water drip into my mouth, blowing bubbles, all the while keeping my eyes on the target, ALWAYS on the target. I also like to tell the hostess that my name is Claude. 

RUB A DUB DUBB.

"I like volleyball." - My wife

Me too! 

Especially when it's being played by ten women who look absolutely nothing like women I normally hang out with. No disrespect to the women I normally hang out with, it's just that when we go to the beach, it's one-piece city. And I understand, most of my ladyfriends have pumped out a few kids and spend most of their time at the beach wiping snot off their kids' noses and breast feeding (which is a whole different kind of beautiful), but these ladies? These bachelorette ladies? So hot. So hairless.

When I was around 24 or so, my brother The Lon Mon moved to Los Angeles, which was weird because my brother is the least LA dude on the planet. He loves to wear socks. I can't remember why he moved there -- it mighta been for work -- but for the sake of making this story somewhat interesting, let's just say that he signed a 10-day contract with the Clippers. 

So when L Mon signed with the Clips, I flew out there to help him settle in. He rented a house in Venice and while he went to work practice each day, I spent my time setting up his place and walking along the beach / oogling chicks in bikinis. One day I spotted three high school girls playing volleyball and decided to get involved. 

"Y'all need a fourth?"

"Sure."

I whipped off my shirt and raced to join them. It was many years ago and I can't remember every detail, but I'm pretty sure that one of the chicks starting violently choking. I might've been wearing high tops. For the next hour, every time I got the ball, I tried to spike it right through their teenage tits. Whenever one of them would serve, I'd stand right by the net and try to look directly into my opponent's vagina. It was without a doubt the greatest day of my life. This story has no purpose at all, I'm just tryin' to say that chicks who play volleyball in bikinis are totally bonks and I love my wife and our friends very much. 

Ahhhh, can you smell the sunscreen?
I can. I really can.

"Losing that game was literally my worst nightmare." 
- Daniella, proving that she probably doesn't know the meaning of the word "literally." Nor does she know what the words "worst" and "nightmare" mean. 

Daniella's a drug addict, right? She has to be a drug addict.


"Act like Kacie, not this crazy person that I'm seeing." - Sean, after Kacie was straight snitchin' on some chicks

How could Kacie B -- A BACHELOR VETERAN -- think that tattling on other chicks would be a good idea? Has she seen the show? I know she's been on the show, but has she ever actually seen it? Her talking isht on those ladies ranks right up there with some of the all-time dumbest moves in Bach history, including the time that guy got a tattoo of a heart on his forearm, the time that same guy sang an a capella song on top of a mountain, and the time that same guy agreed to go on the Bachelorette.  

Lance Darson attempts to break his personal best boner record. 

"This is the best day of my life." - One of those two little girls who is dying. I can't remember which one. Not even sure if she said this, but she should've. 

The most unbelievably heartwarming segment ever. ABC closes Six Flags down for the day so that two dying girls can run around the amusement park willy nilly. Meanwhile, a lady who was raised by wolves falls in love with quite possibly the sweetest man in America. And I'm supposed to make fun of this? I'm supposed to come up with some sarcastic quip to entertain you? Am I not human? Am I using the word "quip" correctly?

Look, to the casual viewer, yes that segment was wonderful. But to a trained reality television expert, it was obvious that that girl had a fake tracheotomy. You could totally tell! You could see the strings attached to her neck and everything, all set up by the ABC producers and oh my God I can't do this, this is wrong, that girl was so lovely I hope she never googles herself and reads this, I'm sorry young girl, I'm sorry!

My kid is definitely gonna be born with three limbs.

Sexual Chocolate everybody!

Sexual Chocolate!





Starting next week, I am NOT going to be able to watch The Bach live -- I have this stupid work commitment on Monday nights so I'm gonna have to DVR the show and watch it later. So expect these posts to be a little delayed. If that upsets you, then I recommend you check out one of these very fine psychiatrists. Or you could cope the way that my friend Leroy is.

Also, read this Bachelor collabo-grabbo that I wrote with Zoo With Roy for his bolg that has like a billion readers.

Also, if my friend Rart is reading this, scroll down for a secret message for you ...








Suck my butttttttttt!

The Bachelor: Weekly Collabo-jawn on Zoo With Roy

GOOD GOD.

Click here to read the latest Bachelor collaborashe between me and ZWR on his site that has a way more readers than mine.

We gave out awards.

Orrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this dog driving a car:

Nice that he's wearing a seat belt. 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Wednesday's Wifey: Miss America Mallory Hagan

King Kong Bundy would be proud. 

"From the state where Jerry Sandusky rapes children and people from Pittsburgh take shits on their own lawn, I'm The Evster, Miss Pennsylvania!"

Pretty fun game. Pretending you're introducing yourself as a contestant in the Miss America pagj. My wife and I played that game for approximately two hours before Saturday night's show. Just walking around the house, eating cereal, not really engaging in conversation, just repeatedly coming up with different openings for different states ... probably the most enjoyable two hours of my week. 

"Where the power of Niagara Falls is equaled only by my husband's diarrhea, I'm Darrie Dar-Dar, Miss New York!"

"From the winter home of Kim Richards after she checks into some super-relaxing spa-like rehab center, I'm Jennifer Flarvenstein, Missssssss Arizona!"

"Where smelling like goats isn't just a fad, it's a muthafuckin' lifestyle, I'm Karen Subelberg, Miss Iowa!"

Anyway, you get the point. So while you were out on Saturday night "having fun" and "banging dudes," I was at home with my wife watching Miss New York bring it home for Jerome. 

It's become an annual tradition in our house. Every year (yeah Ev, we know what annual means) my wife and I put on our most comfortable sweatpants (mine are maroon!) and watch America's sweethearts duke it out. The show is normally very exciting -- there are so many butts! -- but this year's was actually quite boring.

But who cares!

It still had plenty of moments worth discussing on a blorg that will probably just be skimmed by 98% of its readers. So without further Freddy Adu (pretty sure I've used that line before), let's get to know this week's Wednesday Wifey: Mallory Hagan, Miss America 2013!!!



Here's a picture of Mallory singing an aria from the Italian opera, "La Vidalucci Consuela" (The Life of Concillerience). The performance was actually quite good -- very passionate, emotional, and she really blew the judges away with her sophistication and vocal control.



OMG JUST KIDDING SHE DIDN'T SING OPERA -- OPERA IS FOR LOSERS.

CONSILLERIENCE?

THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD.

She was just freaking out because that's what chicks do when they win Miss America. Normally when the winner is announced (you know what happens) Miss America immediately breaks down and gets a big, fake hug from the loser. But Mallory's not your typical Miss America. She's from New Yawk, and she don't hang out wit no losers. So after hearing her name called, Mallory did a quick spin away from the runner up, opened her mouth wider than any hungry hungry hippo, and screamed like a beautiful, wet goat.



Well hello there, leather hips!

For the talent portion of the show, Mallory did a tap dance to a James Brown song. It was really, really, somethin'. At one point, she jumped really high in the air like a beautiful, wet goat.



Bahhhhh!

(Do goats even "bahhh?" What noise do goats make? She looks nothing like a goat.)



Pretty decent throwing motion from Miss Mallory. Much better than Rosie's from the Real Housewives of New Jerz.



Cannonball!

Gotta love how Mallory's got her fingers on the laces and her elbow in. (Is "elbow in" even an important aspect of throwing a football? I just held up my arm at my desk and tried to simulate throwing a football with my water bottle and my elbow was pretty far out. I also have a fucking perfect throwing motion, I'm like a drunk Jeff George.)

Turns out, Miss New Yawk was actually raised in Alzabamaz (hence why she knows how to throw a football) and only moved to NYC a few years ago. She now lives in Brooklyn and goes to the Fashion Institute of Technology. I know this because I did research! This blog ain't no joke! And this blog game ain't no game! You know what I mean!

Whenever my wife and I have a catch, Dar refuses to put her fingers over the laces because she claims, "It doesn't do anything." This is a perfect metaphor for her entire life -- without a doubt the most uncoachable person I've ever met.

"From the state where my wife refuses to do anything anyone ever tells her to do, I'm The Evster, Missss Pennsylvorniorn."



This is Mallory's boyfriend. He seems like a nice enough guy, he's tall, he's got a decent haircut, probably gets his clothes dry cleaned. But see those striped stockings and boots just behind him on the right hand side of the picture? Is that a stripper? Is that a stripper backstage at Miss America? And if so, how hot is that stripper?!?!? And how is it possible that a woman's KNEES can get me this excited???



I had a roommate in college named Cornelius Watson III and he once told me, "Don't ever trust a white dude with a mustache, or a black dude without one."

Sound advice.

Also, peep that dude in the background (back left), hairiest treasure trail I've ever seen.   



Gotta give it to this dude, he's really goin' for it. Mallory seems unfazed. She also seems to be 14 in this picture (which I consider to be the perfect age for a woman).

KIDDING!

"From the state where bloggers make jokes about how hot 14-year-olds are, I'm Tanya Torbs, Misssss Pennsylvorvstein." 


Of course, Mallory had some stiff competish. Above are the final 5, from left to right:

Miss Oklahoma: she was some sort of light-skinned, half-white/half-Phillipino lookin' chick who had a butt that reminded me of a hot turkey sandwich (that's a good thing). I liked her a lot. She finished third.

Miss South Cackalack: this tall drink of water was my early favourite. She talked about how she grew up with three pet chickens which only made me that much more attracted to her. Unfortunately, she was probably the stupidest woman in the competition, which not surprisingly made me that much more attracted to her. She finished second.

Miss New Yahwk: winner winner hot turkey dinner.

Miss Iowa: MARIAH CARY.

REAL NAME.

I KNOW!

BLOWN AWAY.

I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE BLACK PEOPLE IN IOWA.

Mariah (Cary! It's still unbelievable!) did a step routine to that song, "The Scatman" which was by far the highlight of the evening. The only other notes I jotted down about her were, "Really nice tits. Poss the nicest," which is a pretty nice compliment. Poss the nicest. She finished in 5th, obvs.

Miss Wyoming: Two amazing things about this lady: 1) She wore one of those bikini bottoms that has the tie straps on the hips which are BY FAR the hottest way to keep a bathing suit on a woman's hips. 2) She grew up showing goats. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT IT SOUNDS AMAZING. Miss Wyomes finished in 4th.



This was Miss Alaska, who I thought was goin' for the Northern Exposure look, but actually shaved her head for cancer awareness which I guess is a good thing but won't win you any major competitions I mean c'mon.



Here's another picture of Miss Alaska -- I mean, she looks cute enough -- but honestly get over yourself lady nobody's curing cancer I mean come onnnnnn.



This is Miss Montana, who pretty much looks exactly like a Miss Montana should: confused, heavily medicated, skin whiter than milk of magnesia. She also had a speech impediment.

Turns out, she has Autism!

Which I felt horrible about.

But c'mon, this country is NOT ready for a Miss America with autism.




Miss America needs to have social skills! and Mallory clearly has them. Here she is high-fiving some African kids (or black people dressed up in African garb). Who can really tell these days?

If I were to rank these kids in cuteness, I'm going left to right exactly how they're standing. I mean, look at the little guy on the left! He's so ready for a high five!

How amazing would it be to watch these kids do the Scatman???

"From the state where bloggers manage to offend pretty much every type of person in one blogpost and you still support them by reading their posts, I'm The Evster, Miss T.V.Emm.Dubbayoo.Dubbayooooo!"






I cannot believe that I missed the real Miss America (Mariah Carey) on American Idol last night. But I have a good excuse! I went to see Louis C.K. do stand up and it was PHENORMINAL. He's on tour for a little bit -- tix are prolly sold out, but you can check his tour dates here. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, you can look at this totally bonkers turkey sando

Twittsville: @TVMWW

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Bachelor Ep 2: A Thorough Critical Analysis of the Show's Highest and Lowest Points

Finally found someone I could take in arm wrestling. 

Every time my wife and I get Chinese food, we go bonks, ordering 15 entrees, 11 side dishes, and absolutely zero beverages (we always forget!). I like some of the things we order (General Tso's chick, egg rolls, CRAB RANGOON) and I don't like others (tofu in black bean sauce, some sort of spaghetti with shrimp thingie, WATER CHESTNUTS). Inevitably though, every meal ends up with the same result: two very satisfied customers, one of whom's ass explodes like a goddamn gorilla. Pretty similar actually to every episode of the Bach -- so this week, I've decided to break down some of the things that I liked from last night's ep, and some of the things that I did not like.

THING I LIKED:  Sean is not scared of the arm.

He's not scared to talk about the arm, he's not scared to hug around the arm, I wouldn't be surprised if next week he asks to smell the arm. That's nice for the arm, I guess. I could see Seany as one of those husbands who's never grossed out by stuff and is very helpful when his wife needs a wound attended to, like after getting a mole removed. That's very important in a relationship, especially when you're involved with a thirty-something Jewish blogger whose back is straight-up MOLE'D OUT. One-arm lady would be pretty much useless in most nursing situations ... she has one arm!!!

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  There's too much arm!

ABC's constantly showing close-ups of the arm, Whatsherface feels compelled to talk about the arm, it's like, we get it! She has one arm! She's disgusting! Let's learn something else about her, like, how sensitive are her nips? If she has kids, does she plan to breastfeed? WHAT DOES THE ARM SMELL LIKE?

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  Helmet cam.

Enough with the free-fall down a skyscraper stuff, ABC, we've seen it all before. PLUS, THAT'S HOW PEOPLE DIE. If I were on the Bach and my date was like, "Hey Evster! Today we're gonna go jump off this buildi---" ... "Nope. Thank you." Then I'd go bowling.

What's the worst that could happen?

"Ughhhh, I tried to take the Evster on an adventurous date, but he wasn't into it. So we went bowling instead. We had a nice time though, I rolled a strike and we high-fived and then Ev slapped my ass. Then he exposed himself to me."

Worst that could happen!


THAT'S A NICE HORSE.

THING I LIKED:  Lesley dressed up as a cowgirl.

Va-va-va-voooommmmm. There's really nothing hotter than a woman dressed as a cowgirl. Doesn't even really have to be a woman, does it? You could put Theodore Roosevelt in some short shorts and cowboy boots and I'd be like "Dammnnnnn, Teddy! Carry that big stick, young fella!"

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  Lame kissing.

After their one-on-one time, Lesley felt like she had some unfinished biz to attend to and went back to give Sean a little something extra for him to remember her by. Then after she planted one on him, she said, "Just wanted to leave you with that," which was fine, it was fine, whatever, it was fine. But if she really wanted to leave an impression, she shoulda walked up to him twirling her panties around on her finger and said, "Just wanted to leave you with this," and proceeded to shove her panties in her mouth while pouring maple syrup all over her face. Tell me that wouldn't have guaranteed her a top-3 Fantasy Suite finish.

THING I LIKED:  Sean's hair.

There was one segment of the show where he didn't have any product in there. It was very refreshing.

This is the best it's ever looked!

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  The lady with the horse-hair!

Probably the worst hair in the history of television -- and that includes John Stamos.

THIS IS A REAL HUMAN BEING. 

Plus, who sends themselves home ON THE SECOND EP? At least go out with a bang, lady. At least show off some yoga moves and the fact that you can put your feet down your throat. At least introduce us to the family of owls nesting in your scalp! People love owls!

THING I LIKED:  Tierra's pants suit.

Nothing says "I'm ready to take care of biz" quite like a pants suit. Other things that a pants suit says: "I get Ann Taylor Loft coupons sent directly to my inbox," -- "I've been known to conduct power point presentations while using a remote clicker." -- and -- "I have my period."

THING I LIKED:  Sven!

THING I LIKED: HOT TUB!

Normally I'm not attracted to white women -- let alone a skinny jawn like Desiree -- but I gots to say, when that lady rolled out in her purple-nurple bikini??? Wooooo-weeee, Teddy Roosevelt was in the house! No he wasn't. Teddy Roosevelt was not in the house. Teddy Roosevelt was not in any house. I'm sorry, Mr. President. I was just trying to say that I thought Des looked good for a skinny white lady.

Now I love hot tubs as much as the next guy (they're so bubbly!), but I don't think my conversashe with Desiree would've gone quite as "bubbly" (ooooohhhhhhh, see what I did there? please shoot me.) as hers went with Sean. If I had been in his position, I'd envision our conversation going something like this:

The Evster takes off his shirt, staring down at Des waiting for him in the hot tub.

ME:  Yo, you got some nice titties for a white chick.

DESIREE:  Did you always have all that hair on your shoulders?

ME:  Ummmm, not always. Not always. I mean, this group of hairs here, sticking out of my mole, they've always been there, but the rest have kinda popped up in the last ten years. When I'm bored at work, or am in a meeting or something, I sometimes put my hand under my shirt and yank 'em out.

DESIREE:  There's so many sprouts.

ME:  Yeah, there's a lot of sprouts. A lot of sprouts. I got a couple sprouts on the side of my back, too. See? When it gets wet you can really see it.

DESIREE:  Dude, how are you so wet already?

ME:  Perspiration. Your standard male perspiration. It's not weird, I don't use any kind of medicinal deodorant or anything. They were sold out of it at Rite Aid.

DESIREE:  Why are you getting in with your sneakers on?

ME:  Slight foot fungus, not that big of a deal. Comes and goes depending on my internal body temperature. (Slips getting into tub, bashes knee, water splashes everywhere.)

DESIREE:  (Wipes water off her face, looks up to see the Evster standing in front of her, his bathing suit soaking wet, an outline of his enormous cock lined up perfectly in her sights). Well hello there Teddy Roosevelt.


So many whities. 

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  Sean's bathing suit.

Dude rocked some red, candy striped trunks that weren't nearly short enough. This isn't Bloomington, Indiana, and your name's not Damon Bailey Jr., and there's not one TVMWW reader who knows who Damon Bailey is and that is SAD FOR ME.

THING I DID LIKE:  Sean might have AIDS.

The Bach claimed he's dated "everybody" ... white chicks, hispanic chicks, Persian chicks, black chicks ... Teddy Roose would've been proud.

Teddy Roose also wouldn't know what AIDS was.

So rugged.

THING I DIDN'T LIKE:  See ya later, Brooke????

UNACCEPTABLE!

WORST SHOW EVER!

SO EXCITED FOR NEXT WEEK!

SOME LADY GETS HER NECK BROKE!

VERY EROTIC!

THIS JAWN GOES OUT TO BROOKEY-BROOKE, BADDEST CHICK TO EVER APPEAR ON DA BACH.

MISS YOU ALREADY, BOO!





Later this week, I'm planning to write about a show that is not called The Bachelor. Might write about Girls, or What Not to Wear, or Bob's Dick Palace (great show, you should check it out). In the meantime, you can follow me on Twitty-twang or check out this gallery of Sports Illy's top 100 sports photos of all time. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can check out this dope Billie Jean King tshirt I got.


The Evster and Zoo With Roy Bach Recap Episode 2 Attack of the Scones

Don't cover 'em up with your hand!!!
We wanna see 'em!

Zoo With Roy and I wrote a quickfire-wam-bam-ziggle-zang-collabo-jawn about the Bach for his blorg that has wayyyyyy more readers than mine. You can read our post here.

My extended version, uncut, uncensored, no holds barred, self-absorbed, way-too-long, worth-looking-at-only-for-the-pictures-TVMWW-approved blorgpost should be up here on TV My Whalef Woptches later today.

For now, read the ZWR jawn.

Or look at this guy with a giant potato.

Where we're going, we don't need roads. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

I Wrote Another Bach Post -- This One For Zoo With Roy

I could actually go for a pop tart.

I am slutting it up all over the Internet these days, offering my services to anyone and everyone. Here is another post I wrote about the Bach premiere for a blorg called Zoo With Roy. It's mostly a blorg about the Phillies / Philly sports / nonsense, but I guess ZWR is trying to branch out into the world of promoting firstclass dogisht, too.

You can read my jawn here.

Or you can look at this picture of a goat.

Oh, hello there.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor: You Know What This Post Is Gonna Be About

Gotta be honest, that's a pretty nice right arm. 

Look, let's get right to it.

No clever introductory paragraph, no overall theme, no shim-sham. Let's just discuss the fact that there's a one-armed lady on the Bachelor and she seriously has one arm.

And I'm sorry. I'm SORRY, okay? But that's how it's gonna be. She is the lady with one arm. She is the lady who has one good arm and one not-arm, and no matter what she does in her life, whether she cures cancer or stabs a person in the face or throws a goddamn no-hitter for the New York Yankees, she will still be remembered as the lady with one arm. And that's sad for her!

CHRIS HARRISON:  Hey, whadya think of that one lady?

SEAN:  Which one?

CHRIS HARRISON:  The blonde with the white dress.

SEAN Don't remember her.

CHRIS HARRISON Sure ya do. She was kinda short, works in advertising.

SEAN:  Nah, can't picture her.

CHRIS HARRISON:  She was really nice. You didn't really talk to her 'til the end, but I think you guys mighta had a mome.

SEAN:  Not ringin a bell.

CHRIS HARRISON:  Dude, you kissed her and said she was one of the sweetest women you ever met.

SEAN:  Ehh, doesn't sound like anyone I know.

CHRIS HARRISON:  You had sex with her on the pool table.

SEAN:  Nawww.

CHRIS HARRISON:  She was moaning like crazy. The whole house was shaking, I think a lamp fell on some other girl's head. There was blood everywhere.

SEAN:  You said brown hair?

CHRIS HARRISON:  Here's a picture of her. Her name's Sarah.

SEAN:  Nah, I don't think I ... I don't think I know ...

CHRIS HARRISON:  She has one arm?

SEAN:  Oh right right right right rightttt. The lady with one armmmmm.

CHRIS HARRISON:  Yeah, she had that one arm and then her other arm wasn't really like a whole arm.

SEAN:  Yeah, definitely. I remember her. Nice lady. One arm.

Yo, how amazing is that pillow!

Now I have no problem with people having one arm. I had a friend in college who had one arm. (That's not true I've never met anyone in my life who had one arm and if I did I probably couldn't stop asking 'em about it because I'd feel like everyone would be avoiding it, but why should we avoid it? That'd only make the person more uncomfortable and if there's one thing I'm about in this world it's making people comfortable.) Sarah (that's her name! she actually has a name!) is really sweet though (which is nice for her!), but that doesn't make up for the whole one arm thing and she has absolutely no shot of winning this show. And that's double sad for her!

The whole show is sad, really. It's just one massively depressing NCAA Tournament filled with a bunch of insecure women who shave their legs approximately 13 times every day and I CANNOT WAIT 'til they're hanging out barefoot in their pajamas this is the best show everrrrr!!!!

One of the saddest women of them all was the Professional Organizer who grew up an orphan. For decades this girl was bounced around from foster home to foster home -- with no control over her surroundings, no space to call her own -- so now she feels the need to keep her life in order by making up a whole entire profession. Unfortunately, no dudes enjoy living with women who obsessively straighten up (not that I know anything about women who like shoes to be "LINED UP BY THE DOOR RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT").


What's up with our radiator? Was that jawn built in 19 ought 6?

Some of the other ladies seemed very confused. During the driveway introductions, Danielle (possibly on mescaline) told Sean, "You're meeting all these beautiful girls tonight so I thought we could do a handshake," which I guess is a cool thing to say to a person besides the fact that IT MAKES  NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Another lady (the Hawaiian jawn with the nose ring who my wife says is from Seattle) said to Sean, "Find me inside for a dance," because normally on the first ep of the Bach everyone goes inside and dances. Then there was some lady who said, "I'm not the type of girl who will fight over aguy," proving that in the last 10 years of her life she's never once sat down and watched five minutes of this show. 

There were some chicks who I liked though:

- Selma (the one with the WONGO-BONGOS) 
- The football snapper-lady (the one with the football)
- Dirty Diana (the one with the two kids aka the one who will not get picked because she has two annoying kids)
- One-armed Willy (sad for her!)
- #Brooke (the only one of the black chicks who I would seriously consider to maybe appear in the background of my rap video)

It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. 

I'm not sure what I think of Sean.

Part of me thinks the guy is a total idiot, because he A) drives a Wrangler and B) agreed to go on a television show called the Bachelor, but another part of me loves him because he has a chest like a goddamn ox. When they showed him all sweaty and lifting weights with his rock hard nips that looked like Parcheesi pieces, I kinda wanted to bite his tits. And I don't mean that in a gay way, no, not in a gay way at all. In a totally hetero, just one dude putting another dude's nips in his mouth, biting down with his front two teeth and bottom incisors, totally hetero, TOTALLY HETERO. His nipples dancing inside the front of my mouth, maybe, MAYBE grazing them with my tongue no big deal just goin' with it, just a couple of guys goin' with it, just sittin' back and enjoying the ride and feeling another man's nipples between your teeth, and the hot breath steaming on your skin, #totallyhetero.

Sean's decision-making sure is questionable, though. He gave that first impression rose to the lady who pretty much seems to be the Lisa Left Eye Lopes of the group. And he also sent Ashley (the 50 Shades of Grey lady) home WHICH WAS JUST DUMB. I mean, at least keep her around to see what's she's capable of and from the way that she grinded her ass against that stone cold wall, I THINK SHE WAS CAPABLE OF QUITE A LOT THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

The upcoming season still looks pretty bonks, though.

Left Eye Lopes looks like she breaks her neck at some point. Some dude (who looks like the biggest tweedle-dick ever) comes on the show to take back his woman. Sean takes a couple chicks to the boneyard. Chris Harrison does nothing. And you'll get to read about it all here, every week, at TV My Wurf Welpches dots blogspots dots coms!

This is no way to live.





I have some turrible news that's not really that turrible. I have to do this thing for work every Mondee night from 6pm to 8pm, so I probably won't get home in time for the Bach. BUT, according to Comcast, aka the devil, a DVR box should be arriving at our home in the next 12 years. So that's exciting. Also exciting: this video that David Spade made for Funny or Die about an honest Bachelor. Also also exciting: this lady's giant dog

Twitta: @TVMWW

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Bachelor Preview: Meet Ashley, Ashley, AshLee, Ashleigh, Ashlie, Ashli and Arthur Asheley

Sean poses with women who look absolutely nothing
like the 2011 National Champion UCONN Huskies. 

These days, one rarely gets to make a genuine first impression. Before you've actually met a person, they've probably Googled you, looked at your Facebook pics, skimmed through your LinkedIn account, wondered why people have LinkedIn accounts and made themselves a LinkedIn account so they could dive deeper into people's LinkedIn accounts. 

It's a little deceiving, it's probably unfair, but it's a reality. So before Monday night's Bach premiere, why not do a little sniffing around our new Bachelorettes? 

Below are some of the 25 women who are going to try and have sex with Sean on national television. Their comments (provided by ABC.com) are in BLACK. Mine are in BLEU cheese. 




Unbelievable.

Right off the bat, we've got a "Personal Organizer" who spells her name with a capital letter in the middle of it. How is this acceptable? HOW IS THIS ACCEPTABLE?!?! And how am I ALREADY this fired up??? Maybe because AshLee's name isn't even spelled right in the first place. Even if there were no capital L, it's Ashley, not Ashlee! This show is going to kill me. It is going to kill me.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?
Adele, I want to hear her story behind her music. Then I'd have her sing to me the rest of lunch.


Oh yeah, 'cause it would be totally normal to share a corned beef special with a woman while SHE SINGS TO YOU from across the table. I cannot think of anything more uncomfortable, and that's coming from a guy who wears seven pairs of long underwear whenever he goes skiing/to the grocery store. 

What is your most embarrassing moment?
Back in the Britney Spears low jeans day... I was dancing & my pants ripped along the butt, middle butt seam. I had to stand against the wall until a friend gave me his shirt to cover my butt!


That's not your most embarrassing moment. That's not your most embarrrasing moment at all. You know what your most embarrassing moment was??? Admitting to the world that you'd want Adele to SING TO YOU during a totttalllllyyyyy cazj lunchdate no big deal just sing a few songs cuz that's totally normal just singing in a restaurant it happens all the time IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.  

How long does it take you to get ready to go out for a big night on the town? As long as I'm allowed. I could easily take 3 hours.

OF COURSE YOU COULD!!!






Typical ABC. They finally get a sista on the show, and she looks exactly like Ross's ex-girlfriend from Friends

What are your favorite foods? Anything prepared with organic products; but I love everything!

Oh, c'monnnn. "Organic products?" Can't you just answer the question? We get it, you're healthy, you're open-minded, you're regular, but you're INDECISIVE -- and it will take you and your spouse HOURS to figure out what to have for dinner every night -- and thus any relationship you have will be doomed. 

Her hair has tremendous body, though. Whaddya think, Pantene? Gotta be Pantene. That jawn is like 8 bucks a bottle!





Just so we're all on the same page here, that's three Ashleys in a row. 

Do you condier yourself a romantic and why? Yes! extremely I wear my <3 on my sleeve and tend to let my emotions rule over my head and romantic attention (I am a Leo).

How hard is it to write out the word "heart"? Is that difficult? Am I missing something here? It's not like it's one of those really hard words to spell like "separated" or "Ashley." And the thing is, <3 doesn't even look like a heart!!! It looks like a carrot. Like a 100% organic carrot. Actually, y'know what? Y'know what it looks like? It looks like a < sign followed by a 3. 

This is officially driving me mental. I need to take a break. I'm going to get a glass of water. I hope the next woman is bout it bout it.


BUT BEFORE I GET SOME WATER, ONE MORE THING ABOUT ALL THESE ASHLEYS: Over the next few months, we're gonna have to listen to Sean refer to these Ashleys as, "AshLee F, Ashley H. and Ashley P." when no dude would EVER call them that. They'd be "The Chick Who Has That Dumb Capital Letter in Her Name," "The One Who Only Orders Cauliflower" and "The Emotional Lady Who Cries All the Time and Why Haven't I Sent Her Home Yet?" 

WEARING YOUR HEART (OR YOUR CARROT) ON YOUR SLEEVE IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA, ASHLEYP.




Another sister!!! 

And this one is a Community Organizer (which means she's an actual sister, not like that fake fashion model sister from above who the more I look at her, I'm not even sure she's a sister). 

What is your favorite memory from your childhood? Teaching myself how to ride a bike after asking a neighbor to take the training wheels off my bike.

Yo, this lady taught herself to ride a bike??? No father figure in the picture? She is a LEGIT sister. I love her. I'm guessing Sean will vote her off the first week. 





"Catherine." My wife's name is Catherine. Beautiful name. Beautiful woman. This could go either way -- Catherine could be a perfectly nice, caring and accepting person, or a total trainwreck.

Who do you admire most in the world and why?
Anyone who can look beyond themselves and unselfishly help others. Giving more than they may have. They are an example for us all.


Oh good God. Leaning towards trainwreck. 

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Absolutely. Love is the best and expressing it to someone is so special.


ALL ABOARDDDDDDDDD. 




Dirty Diana!

Owns her own salon -- get that paper, girl!

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
Taylor Swift, because I can't sing and I would love to know what it feels like to be extremely talented.


I see you rolling your eyes -- Taylor Swift sounds like a lame-o answer -- but this question is much harder than it seems. I mean, think about it for a sec, who would you be for just one day? 

Me personally, I've narrowed my choices down to three: Russell Westbrook, Emilio Estevez and Taylor Swift. Russell (for obvious reasons), Emilio (for even more obvious reasons) and Tay-Tay becuz have you heard her new jam???





Do you prefer team sports or solo sports, and why? Solo sports - I never played on team sports. Skiing and golfing are the two I enjoy.

RED FRAG. 

A woman who never played team sports has zero ability to co-exist with others. I know this because I live with a woman who never played team sports. 


Growing up playing team sports teaches you how to work with others, be excited when they succeed, and how to stay current with all the top 40 mega dance hits. People who play tennis or golf or the viola HAVE MAJOR ATTITUDE PROBLEMS. 




Look, Katie may be a very nice young lady (and Yoga Instructor? that's a banana-bonkers-bonus right there), but this woman uses horse shampoo. And there's no way that Sean (nor any other dude) wants to live with a woman who uses horse shampoo. That's just a fact. That's a medical fact. 


Didn't I blog about horse shampoo before?
Man, this blog-blog is getting tired. 





What is your favorite all-time book and why? "Sassy, Single, and Satisfied" - it's a book about loving who you are first and foremost so you can cultivate the best in all your relationships.

It is INCREDIBLE how much women love self-help books. And even more incredible that some of them use horse shampoo. It smells like oats!




Doesn't matter what Keriann says below, I cannot get over the fact that the hair hanging down her back makes it look like she has the hairiest, blondest, left armpit ever. 

What does being married mean to you? It's a commitment, a friendship, a devotion of honesty, truth and true love. It's also a willingness to be less selfish and accept someone as your other half.

THOSE ARE ACTUALLY SOME GOOD POINTS. 

I LOVE MY WIFE VERY MUCH. 




Hello there, lunatic.  

What are your top 3 all-time favorite movies?
1. Something's Gotta Give
2. Dirty Dancing
3. Father of the Bride

Maybe Kristy didn't understand the question. Maybe she thought they asked, "What are 3 movies that are kinda decent and you might want to watch on a Saturday afternoon while your husband goes bowling?" because no worthwhile human being would ever list those three flicks as their TOP 3 ALL-TIME FAVES. 

I mean, even if I was pressed to answer that question RIGHT NOW without thinking, I'm going:

1. Hoop Dreams
2. Rushmore
3. Air Dog

It's not like I think Kristy's list is HORRIBLE. That's not the case at all. It's just "3 ALL-TIME FAVES." This is a make it or break it question! Men are judgmental!

For the rec, my wife's 3 all-time faves are:

1. Royal Tenenbaums
2. Help!
3. The Sound of Music

And okay, fine, Sound of Music is clammy as shit, BUT TWO OUTTA THREE, YO.  

Do you prefer team sports or solo sports, and why? Solo - because I like to control my own destiny. 


Do you hear the people SING?
Singing the song of angry men. 



You know what? I think I'm being a little too hard on these ladies. Maybe it's not easy to make yourself look good in just three short questions?

I'm gonna try this. 




What is your favorite all-time book and why? In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote. The author's ability to make his readers feel compassion for two ruthless killers shows that everyone on this earth, even scumbags, are still human beings. Also, Playboy's Barefoot Beauties vol. 1 and 2 are both solid reads.  

What is your most embarrassing moment? When I was in college, I totally busted a nut while grinding with this chick on the dance floor. She had no idea, but around a year later my buddy started dating her and told her. 

What does being married mean to you? She was a REALLY good dancer, okay???




Journalist!

That's somethin'.  And people from Rhode Isles are normally somewhat intelligent. This Lauren lady has promise. 

What is your favorite all-time book and why?
"The Best Advice I ever got" compiled by Katie Couric. This book is full of great life lessons from people in all career fields.


KATIE COURIC. 

WORLD RENOWNED ADVICE-GIVER, KATIE COURIC. 

The only advice I'd ever wanna get from Katie Couric was if I had to give Matt Lauer a footjob and needed to know if he liked it soft and fluffy or ruffneck-style (mashing a dude's balls with your heel). 




A third black lady???

Wow, ABC must've gotten some angry letters over the past few months about not having enough flava (that's white people talk for "flavor" which means "black people"). Lisa Leslie seems intriguing. Due to a glitch on ABC's website, she's either a 29-year-old Poker Dealer from Ruskin, Florida (MEGA HOT) or a 26-year-old Advertising Exec from Colorads (BORRRINNNGGGGGG). Let's see what she has to say for herself / how she will ruin her intrigue.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? This might sound weird but I think being a homeless person. To see how they truly live their life and the struggles they go through and how they got there. So one day, I can help change the number of homeless people that end up living on the streets.

OH GET OVER YOURSELF, JEAN VALJEAN, JR. 

You know what? I've figured out who I would be for one day: I'd definitely be Taylor Swift. 

I'd start off the day by setting up a webcam in my bathroom and shaving my legs for anyone who wanted to watch. Then I'd call up Russell Westbrook and see if he wanted to get some brunch. Then I'd cancel on Russell West (BECAUSE I'M TAYLOR SWIFT, GODDAMMIT) and then I'd call Rajon Rondo to see if he wanted to get some shots up. Then I'd go home and take a nap. Then I'd record a collabo-jawn with Beanie Sigel all about how TV My Wife Watches is the illest (the track would be called "Now That's What I Call Bonks vol. 37") and that shit would be hot fire and the next day TVMWW's twitter account would get MAD new followers, none of whom would be homeless people because they can't slay me!!!





This is just incredible. Of the 25 ladies that Sean gets to choose from, FOUR of them are black. That's a pretty good ratio!

Unfortunately, on the first ep, I think Sean gets to cut 5 women. Fortunately, there's no way he'll eliminate all of them on night one, because then he'd be the most racist dude EVER. So I think he's gonna get rid of two of them the first night, another soon after, and let this lady hang around until he eventually dumps her ass on a 2on1 date with a woman that he actually likes. I can't believe I just legitimately broke down Bachelor strategy. I hate myself.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
Going on a stake out to stalk my friend's ex-boyfriend.


I respect that.
 
If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it? 
I'm not shy. I will go straight up to the person, tap them on the shoulder and say hello.

OF COURSE YOU WOULD BECAUSE YOU'RE A CONFIDENT BLACK WOMAN AND YOU MANAGE OILFIELDS. 




WOWZERS.

If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Oprah, just because who wouldn't want to have lunch with Oprah and pick her brain for an hour.

I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY THE NOTRE DAME - ALABAMA GAME. 

I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT VERY, VERY MUCH.  






Yo, it is a TRAVESTY that the Bach premiere is on at the EXACT SAME TIME as the Notre Dame - Alabama game. Luckily, I'm pretty sure that you can live-steam the game on ESPN3.com. Also, I'm aware that I'm probably the only person without DVR. Also, did you know that I wrote a jawn about the Sixers for the700level.com -- a Philly sports website? You can read it here. Or you can follow me on Twitter @TVMWW. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can just check out this dog sitting on a horse. That's what I'd do