Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The Ultimate TVMWWMWMWWM Holiday Gift Guide

Jelly of the Month Club:
the gift that keeps on giving. 

A few weeks ago, I was talking to a coworker about what I should get my wife for Hanukkah and she suggested Apple TV. Now, even though this woman was just trying to help (and was kind enough to take my wife's love of television into considerashe), this was probably the dumbest gift advice I'd ever received. There is no heart to giving someone an Apple TV, no thought, it's just an expensive, stupid gadget that no human being would ever use. I'm not even sure what Apple TV is to be honest. It's probably amazing. I imagine it's much better than Comcast (then again, a friggin' grapefruit is better than Comcast), but if there's one thing I've learned in the past 10 years, it's that women have a massive collection of really nice underwear for everyday use and really ratty underwear for when they have their periods people like presents where you put SOME ACTUAL THOUGHT into it.

My friend Larbo once got his wife a shitty picture of the Golden Girls (probably cost $10), but the simple fact that he tracked it down, framed it, and got her something that was special to HER kept him out of the doghouse for a solid ten minutes. That's really all my goal is here, to keep my wife off my back for a solid ten spot.

So my little hamburgers and cheeseburgers, here are a bunch of really, really, really thoughtful and nice gifts to get your spouse this holiday seez.

(And yes Chosen People, I realize your stinkin' holiday is over. Calm down, it's not my fault you scheduled it in friggin' autumn.)


Footed Mug
$16 - UncommonGoods.com


Friday, December 6, 2013

Don't Sleep on da Motherfuckin Sound of Music!

I honestly thought all that praying was hot as fuck. 

I don't really have time today for a full-blooded super bonkers breakdown of last night's LIVE TELEVISION MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA, so here are some LIGHTNING QUICK HOT TAKES on the performance.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Q&A with Myself about the Upcoming Bachelor Season

Check out your boy in the background with the mega lens on his camera.
NICE LENS, DUDE. TAKE A COUPLE SECRET SNAPPERS FOR ME, WHY DON'T YA.

EVSTER:  Despite the fact that you have not been blogging much lately, we still have A LOT to talk about.

EVSTER:  Okay, first of all, it was friggin' Thanksgiving last week, and second of all--

EVSTER:  Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, man, calm down. I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm just sayin' there haven't been many posts lately. That's all. And that's okay. It's fine. You're busy, I get it. 

EVSTER:  Thank you. 

EVSTER:  But the Bach is comin' up. You gotta be excited about that.

EVSTER:  Everyone keeps saying this to me. "So, are you so excited for the Bach? Are you just soooo excited?" No I'm not excited for the Bach. I'm not excited for anything. I'm 36 years old. The only thing I get excited about these days is having massive amounts of toilet paper in my house.

EVSTER: Yeah me too. 

EVSTER:  Like, how amazing is it to just open up your bathroom closet and see 36 rolls ready to be unraveled? There's no stress, no anxiety, just dozens and dozens and dozens of rolls. 

EVSTER:  Well, there's really only three dozen.

EVSTER:  Yeah, that's what I said. "Dozens and dozens and dozens of rolls." Three dozens. 

EVSTER:  Well, that's just you saying the word, "dozens" three times. Three dozens, with an "S", implies three multiple dozens, so that's at least six dozens. Probably even more dozens. People say "dozens" when there are so many dozens that they don't even wanna count how many dozens there actually are. 

EVSTER:  Either way, I've got three dozens. 

EVSTER:  Well, for now you do. But you don't have dozens and dozens and d--

EVSTER:  How is this an enjoyable conversation?

EVSTER:  Oh it's not. It's absolutely not. I'm just saying, 36 rolls is only three doze--

EVSTER:  Yeah I understand what you're saying, you dick. I'm just as good at math as you are. 

EVSTER:  Are you?

EVSTER:  Yes. 

EVSTER:  Are you though?

EVSTER:  Yes. 

EVSTER:  Ev?

EVSTER:  Can we just move on?

EVSTER:  Hey, it's your blog. 

Nice, right?


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

David Blaine's Secrets REVEALED

That's obviously a fake shoulder. 

David Blaine is going to kill us all.

We laugh and we joke about how incredible he is, and how fun it is to tweet during his little TV specials, but the truth is that this man is going to rip our hearts out of our bodies and control the world like the ruthless demon that he is. David Blaine is the devil. He's a total psychopath. He's also really, really, really good-looking and a pretty decent dresser.

OR IS THAT JUST WHAT THE NETWORK EXECS WANT US TO THINK?

The truth is that David Blaine is a stupid, human dickwad just like the rest of us. Just a dumb, brooding butthead, with piercing eyes and rippling arm muscles, while possessing the sexual energy of a young Teddy Roosevelt. He's super hot, but super human. And he can't fool me.

You might not know this about me, but I am also a magician. A SEX-UAL magician. I convinced an actual, human female to marry me and sleep in the same bed as me every single night. (Although to be fair, my wife kicked me out of bed the last three nights because I have a cold and have been snoring like a goddamn whale). Regardless, I can see through David Blaine's illusions. I get his tricks. I understand what he's doing. I also have "rewind" on my DVR that allowed me to figure out a bunch of his secret moves.

So BEHOLD, ladies and gentlemen, here are the UNTOLD TRUTHS behind David Blaine's "MAGIC".

Whatever, Aaron Paul! It's obviously not flannel shirt season!

Trick #1: The Ole Ice Pick Through the Hand Trick -- For this trick, David essentially takes an ice pick -- just your standard, everyday ice pick -- and jams it through his hand so that his skin stretches out and pokes through the other side.

The Secret: This is fucking real, dude. The guy is the fucking devil. No human can jam an ice pick through his skin and not scream like a banshee. This monster needs to be stopped. Is Batman real? Seriously, is Batman real? Can someone please call him? I am scared.

Trick #2: The Ole Alligator in the Pocketbook Trick -- Katy Perry was the victim this time, as David pulled a live alligator from inside of her pocketbook.

The Secret: Ugh, so obvious. Alligator in the pants. Everyone knows that every magician keeps an alligator in his pants. That's like Magic 101 people, stuff a live alligator into your pants, and then learn how to walk around like you don't have an alligator jammed in your pants. The real trick is preventing the alligator from eating your dick off while it's in your pants. I've watched a lot of alligator shows and those things are always trying to eat people's dicks off. In fact, if David had just walked up to Katy Perry like, "Okay, I'm gonna hold this alligator and keep it from eating your dick off," I woulda been like, "Yo, that's a good trick," but that's not what he did. He just pulled it out from his pants because he's an amateur. I also think it probably ate his dick off earlier in the show and ABC just didn't show that part.

Nice beige walls. 

Trick #3: Trying to Convince America that Will and Jada Smith are Likable People -- Ugh, did you see how they were cuddling and holding each other while David was doing those card tricks? Disgusting. Absolutely fucking disgusting. And this was in front of their children! If my parents ever held hands or smiled at each other while I was growing up I would've barfed all over them and set fire to my face.

I actually remember my dad occasionally grabbing my mom's hand as she walked by the dinner table and saying, "Let me kiss your long thins," which stood for, "long, thin fingers," and oh my God I need to move onto the next paragraph immediately.

That trick David Blaine did on Jayden was pretty amazing though. Taking a photo of him with a deck of cards and then somehow changing the picture to reveal he was holding different cards. Seems crazy, but I know how he did it ...

The Secret: Fake child. That kid is obviously not real. No one would ever name their son, Jayden. What a stupid thing to name a person.

Quick segue about all those goddamn celebrities: I liked seeing the celeb's reactions, especially Harrison Ford and his tortellini tits, but how amazing/insufferable is it that they live such carefree lifestyles? Who gets to stay home while it's daylight?! Every one of them seemed to be having such a nice time with their stupid t-shirts and their perfectly straight teeth. The only ones I liked were Woody Allen and Ricky Gervais, because they clearly recognized that David Blaine is a demented cyborg who is going to destroy our planet.

Trick #4: The Ole Drinking Kerosene and Blowing it Out and Starting a Fire and Extinguishing that Fire with Your Own OMG This Is So Hard to Explain -- So essentially, the devil drank a whole tank of water and then stashed it in his stomach (a trick he learned from a Liberian who was SO MUCH BETTER at it). Then he drank some kerosene and kept that in his stomach too (on top of the water), and then he spit the kerosene onto a fire, causing a major flame-job, and then he regurgitated the water and extinguished the flames with his own spit-cannon.

The Secret: Blowtorch up the sleeve. Clearly he was carrying a handheld blowtorch (available at SkyMall for $49.99) and just shot flames while pretending to spit kerosene. Then he made himself barf, but he hadn't eaten anything all day, just water, so he barfed up only water. Even though I just made this up now, and literally gave it zero thought, I seriously, seriously, seriously think this is what he did. I have never, ever, ever been more certain about anything or felt smarter about my own intellect in my entire life. I'm definitely doing this trick next week at Hannukah dinner. I'm gonna burn my fucking house down. Can someone please lend me $49.99?

Back to that Liberian dude. He actually taught himself how to store water in his belly because water is so sparse in Africa. I mean, you never know when you're gonna have to kill a giraffe and wash your hands. I have no jokes about this guy or commentary on this scenario. It was mind-boggling. I want to see more of Mr. Hose Mouth.

Trick #5: The Ole Eating a Piece of a Dollar Bill and Then Spitting it Back Together -- Honestly this dude is incredible. Does he have sex with every woman he meets? I really hope he does. Anything short of having sex with every woman in the world would be a total, total failure for this guy. I seriously think he's the 2nd greatest entertainer of our lifetime (behind only Bette Midler).

For his next special, I'd like to see David sitting in front of a television watching Too Cute: Kittens while trying not to say, out loud, "Oh that's too cute. That's just too cute."

Now that would be something, DAVID.






Dog, did you read my latest jawn for The 700 Level? Are you reading those? You should be reading those. It was all about my shitty experiences at the Wells Fargo Center. God that doesn't sound very interesting at all, but it is! So go read it! Oh, whatever, or just look at this giant bowl of apple snauce


Monday, November 18, 2013

Prepare to Barf All Over Yourself: David Blaine Has a New Special Airing Tuesday Night on ABC

It's true, the devil himself, David Blaine is coming back to primetime television.

This Tuesday night on ABC, Blaine will be performing a handful of his voodoo devil magic tricks on celebrities like Jamie Foxx, Woody Allen, Ricky Gervais, Aaron Paul and Charlie Villanueva. Although Blaine and ABC are keeping details of David Blaine: Real or Magic close to the vest, TVMWW was able to obtain these exclusive photos of him doing a magic trick on pop icon, Katy Perry.


Hey Katy, I'm David.

Watch this.

Keep your eyes on my jacket.


It's leather.

100% leather.

Are you still looking at my jacket?



Make sure you keep your eyes on my jacket.

It's a very nice jacket.

Now watch ...



BOOM BABY!

Blaine's special airs this Tuesday night on ABC at 9:30pm. You should watch it 'cuz it's gonna be amazing and I'm obviously gonna blog about it. Or don't, who cares. I'm sure there's other cool stuff to watch instead.

JK YOU SHOULD TOTES WATCH IT.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Mariah Carey Blows Her Fans' Tits Off on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Yo, check out this video of my favorite woman in the world surprising her fans and blowing their minds on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. It's totally worth watching and my girl looks better than ever and omg enough with the blibber blabber, Evster, just press plizzay!!!





Shout out to @rawhouse for telling me about the video even though he is currently banned from this website. Also shout out to Mariah's titties. (And to her leather gloves, and her leather pants, and her overall golden goddess demeanor.)

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Top 5 Things Worth Discussing About the Miss Universe Pageant

Look at Miss Universe grabbin' her titty! 

Pretty much the same thing happens every year during the Miss Universe pagj: a bunch of skinny chicks walk around showing off their super white teeth while I feverishly scan orbitz.com for the cheapest flights to Bulgaria. My favorite ladies are always from the cocaine-laden countries: Bolivia, Colombia, Nicaragua, as well as any woman (or cow) representing the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. This year, Miss Venezuela won the crown even though her breasts weren't nearly as big as Miss Brazil's. Still, it was an extremely enjoyable event to watch, mostly because I did so while hopped-up on narcotics.

Here's some other stuff worth discussing:

The Super Good-looking Male Host was a Total Bozo

That's a Spice Girl on the right by the way.
For reals. 

I didn't catch the fella's name -- Todd, or Michael, or Glarv or something -- but after introducing the opening act, Glarv gave a special shout out to the people of the Phillipines who were devastated by Typhoon Haiyan:

"Before we start, I'd just like to dedicate the show to our good friends in the Philippines as they're currently experiencing some really terrible weather."

Really terrible weather. Really terrible weather! This nimrod actually said -- ON NATIONAL TELEVISION -- that they were experiencing "some really terrible weather."

Now let's send it over to our Filipino weatherman, Chieko Pagiou, for the five-day forecast. Chieko?

"Thanks, Chip. Some really terrible weather coming through this weekend, winds coming in from the Southeast at 4 billion miles per hour. Look for some houses to be obliterated and maybe even our entire country to be wiped off the map. Tomorrow, more of the same, with bodies piling up and people freaking the fuck out. By Monday and Tuesday we can expect some rays of sunshine though, which should help us find some of the missing children. Wednesday and Thursday should be back to a miserable shit show, with a light rain and everyone in the Western Hemisphere forgetting about us. Back to you, Chip."

"Prolly shouldn't take the boat out then, ey Chieko?"

"Not unless you want to help us find floating bodies."

"Hahahahaha. No way. Not me. Never. Never. Now let's send it over to Jennifer Villagas for her investigative report on Imelda Marcos and her freshly shaved butt. Jennifer?"

"Thanks, Chip ..."

Apparently There is a Country Called "Mauritius"?

It's true. Mauritius is an island nation located in the Indian Ocean, about 1,200 miles off the coast of Africa. It's also the (former) home of the Dodo bird. Don't ever say TVMWW never taught you nothin!

Miss Israel was Black, Miss Jamaica was White and Miss Sri Lanka was named "Amanda"


I don't know what the fuck is going on in this world.

Check Out This Judge, Russian Pop Star Philip Kirkorov

What the fox say?!

This guy is unbelievable. According to Wikipeeds, Philip is a total lunatic who has had numerous brushes with the law and really, seriously combs his hair like that. Here is my favorite nugget of information that I found out about him:

On December 4, 2010, Kirkorov allegedly slapped a female assistant because he was unhappy with the lighting at a concert venue. The woman, later identified as Marina Yablokova, threatened to sue Kirkorov. As a result, Kirkorov fled to Israel and had himself entered into a psychiatric hospital. On December 7, 2010, the singer publicly admitted that he had psychological problems.

Unfortunately, Philip was mostly silent during the pageant, but did get to ask Miss Ecuador a question during the final round. He asked her, "Do you think this world be able to survive without the internet?"

Instead of being like, "Yeah, dude, are you fucking kidding me? We survived for like 50,000 years without the internet. It's not like it's fucking food or water," Miss Ecuador spewed some bullshit like, "Computers unfortunately take away from valuable family time and should only be used for positive influence." After that, I eliminated Miss Ecuador from my top 5 (and then realized that none of the other contestants' tits even came close to hers, so I put her back in the mix).

Miss Philippines Totally Shoulda Won (and I'm Not Just Saying that Because Her Country is Currently Filled with Floating Dead People)


Her hair was really, really, really clean. And while her boobs weren't nearly as big as Miss Ecuador's, I genuinely liked her and thought she was beautiful.

Also beautiful?

Real person!






Yo, last week marked the 20th anniversary of Wu Tang's debut album, Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers). Here's an interview of RZA courtesy of Grantland where he talks about their new album and how he's having a hard time getting Raekwon and the GZA to commit time and energy to the project. Also, here's a cool oral history from Spin magazine about what it was like to put the first album together. Also also, here's a link to the dumbest Twitter account in the history of Twitter and one that you should absolutely be following, no ifs, ands or butts.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Are Youze Guyz Aware That You Can Find my Shit on Other Sites?

Logo-rama!

A friend of mine told me this week I was "really slacking" on the ole TV Me Wurf Welpchez and I was like, "I'VE BEEN BUSY BLOGGING ON OTHER BLOGS," and she was like, "Really?" and I was like, "YEAH," and she was like, "What blogs?" and I was like, "UGH, DO YOU REALLY NOT KNOW?" and she was like, "No," and I was like, "YOU GOTTA GET ON TWITTER," and she was like, "I'm not getting on Twitter," and I was like, "C'MON MAN," and she was like, "So what blogs?" and I was like, "THE 700 LEVEL AND ZOO WITH ROY," and she was like, "What?" and I was like, "THEY'RE PHILADELPHIA SPRORTS BROGS" and she was like, "Oh," and I was like, "YOU GOTTA CHECK 'EM OUT," and she was like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna check 'em out," and I was like, "THEN WHY DID YOU ASK?" and she was like, "Why are you shouting?" and I was like, "THAT'S KINDA MY THING," and she was like, "Well it's friggin' annoying," and I was like, "I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT," and she was like, "Well can you stop?" and I was like, "Sure," and she was like, "Thank you," and I was like, "You're welcs," and then we went and got bagels.

So just so we're all on the same page here, along with TVMWW, I also write a weekly sports column for The 700 Level (that comes out every Friday). You can find links to all of my articles here.

I also collaborate on Eagles Report Cards with Zoo With Roy (and some other people) every Monday after Eagles games. You can read all of this season's Report Cards here. Also, yesterday Zoo With Roy and I wrote this jawn ranking the best athletes in Philadelphia sports history named Armen.

If you've been keeping track of all of my blogging endeavors, thank you. And if you haven't, following me on Twitski is by far the best way to stay up to date on all things TVMWMWMWMWMW. So follow me here. Also, if you want to pay me to blog on your blog (or pay me to do anything) I will seriously do whatever you want for a very small amount of American currency. Thank you and have a blessed day.

TVMWW.R.E.A.M.






Monday, November 4, 2013

Look At This Asshole's Halloween Costume

Click on da photo to make it biggerrrrrrr.

So this dude I work with, RJ, showed up to our company Halloween party dressed as my blog.

Even though it was clearly an amazing costume, no one knew what to make of it. The most commonly overheard conversation of the evening was, "What are you, RJ? A computer?" ... "Well yeah, but I'm also Evan's blog." ... "Cool. [pause] Evan has a blog?" ... [face palm]

If you look closely at the costume, there is actually a cut out on the righthand side that says, "Live Twitter Feed" and RJ had his phone taped to the other side, cued up to my Twitter page.


He also typed "dudes asses" into the Google search bar.


RJ is 27 years old.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Bachelor Photo Exclusive: Juan Pablo Dips and Doinks in Turks & Cakes!!!

Bold move to go with a Koy Detmer neck beard. 

*** TVMWWWWMWWMWMWMWM EXCLUSIVE ***

Through ways I am not willing to discuss on this here website, your favorite blogger was able to obtain exclusive pictures of future Bach, Juan Pablo, taken during his recent trip to Turks and Caicos.

Even though I cannot reveal my sources, I can state for the record that these pictures are very real and very exclusive. I can also state for the record that as of 30 seconds ago I thought Turks and Caicos was one word, spelled "Turksenkaikos."



Here's Juan Pabber relaxing in his hotel room with an unidentified acquaintance. Now while Juan Pabs' contract does not stipulate that he remain single before the filming of the show, one has to question his commitment to the entire Bachelor process. As of the publishing of this article, Juan Pabs could not be reached for comment. Also I did not attempt to reach Juan Pabs for comment.




Later that morning, Juan Pabs took his adorable little nips for a dip in the pool. Look how round they are. Like two perfectly sliced jalapeños.




At night, the future Bach hit the clubs with his homies while making the bold choice to tuck his shirt in despite not wearing a belt. In case you're counting at home, the picture above includes three hoodies, two jean jackets and one horse.




"He was really, really nice," said the woman on the left who clearly loves doing cocaine. "His friend was a little aggressive, but also really nice. I fucked them both."




This is a website that you actually visit.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Evster's Top 7 Things About Going Apple Picking

Kinky.

On warm, brisk Saturday afternoons -- wait, can an afternoon be both warm and brisk? It sorta can, right? I mean, sunny and brisk. It can definitely be sunny and brisk. Or sunny with a chill in the air. That's all I meant. You know what I meant. I was just trying to describe one of those slightly chilly, yet sunny and amazing fall afternoons where you put on your favorite hoodie and grab a cup of coff and WHY AM I STILL EXPLAINING MYSELF? On days like that there are a few acceptable ways for a person to spend his or her fall afternoon:

1. Rake leaves and throw your back out
2. Kill yourself
3. Go apple picking

If you're a white person, then I'm guessing that you're already quite familiar with apple picking and everything that goes along with it, so you can skip the next paragraph.

If you're a person of color, THANK YOU FOR READING. I long for your people's acceptance and companionship. Back in the day, I used to play basketball and smoke blunts and watch pay-per-view boxing matches with you, but now as an aging, married white person, my life consists of nothing but going to dinner parties and lying on my blog about going to dinner parties. So "what the hell is apple picking" you may ask. Well, basically, there are a bunch of orchards all over the country that open up their farms during the autumn months and let you pick fresh apples right off their trees. It's not really that exciting, but it's a fine way to spend a day out in the country, away from your stupid neighbors and their annoying children who think it's cute to write "Princess Evan's Parking Spot" in your driveway when you've told them time and time again that you are not a princess! If you're not a big fan of apples or don't know anyone who will bake an apple pie for you, I can see how this wouldn't sound too exciting, but there are actually many things about apple picking that make it a worthwhile fall activity.

Behold, the top 7:

1. Apple Cider Donuts

Last week, I secretly bought six creme-filled donuts from some Amish lady at a farmers' market and was scared to bring them home for fear that my wife would divorce me. In this day and age, it is COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE to purchase, eat, or simply bring that many donuts inside your house. Instead, I kept them under my desk at work for secret snacking. But after we went apple picking, my wife was totally fine with me buying EIGHTEEN apple cider donuts. For some reason, apple cider donuts are a totally acceptable form of donut. No idea why. Maybe it's because it simply has the word apple in it? Or because it's made on a farm? Either way, this is something that you NEED to take advantage of. Also, have you noticed that Amish people totally have cellphones these days? How is this possible? I thought they were anti-electricity. Can someone please explain this to me? (Rhetorical questch. Don't bother explaining it to me because I'm not going to pay attention.)

#JustThe18

2. Road Trip!

Roll down the windows, smell the sweet country air and get ready to see some cows! Apple orchards are always located near cows. I saw like 12 cows last weekend which was way more cows that I'd seen in a long time. When's the last time you saw 12 cows? EXACTLY.

3. You Get to Climb Ladders

At most orchards -- at least the dope ones -- there are a bunch of ladders sprinkled around the farm so you can climb up and reach the apples at the very tops of trees. Now normally I am against climbing, or any activity that involves having to do anything, but it is exhilarating to climb up a wooden death trap in order to rip fruit from a tree. Also, great angles of women's boobs from up there. I saw one Peruvian lady who HAD TO BE a milkmaid. Had to be.

Speaking of milkmaids.

4. Eat Stuff While You Do Stuff

It's incredible, at orchards they let you just rip the apples off the tree and then sample them right then and there. No stigma attached like trying an olive at the supermarket. No nervousness like at the salad bar when someone might see you eat a cherry tomato without weighing your salad first. Just rip it off, shove it in your mouth, and taste the deliciousness of nature. Or throw your apple at a snotnosed kid. Which brings us to ...

5. Great Form of Contraception

There are so many little shitheads named Brayden and Blockton and Thayer running around these farms in their stupid soccer uniforms and shinguards that it'll make you thank the lord that you can't get your wife pregnant. I saw one kid who was just running around BLASTING the trees and causing all the apples to fall on the ground. His dad was just walking behind him, totally defeated, saying, "Thayben. Thayyyyyyben. Don't blast stuff. What did we tell you about blasting stuff?" and the kid just kept blasting everything in his path. Later I saw him crying because his dad wouldn't let him play on his iPad which made me happier than I've ever been in my whole entire life. Also his iPad cover had a picture of Spiderman on it which we all know is a telltale sign that one day he's going to work in a nail salon.

I will buy anything in a mason jar. 

6. Apple Cider Like a Muhhgggg

When you're all done picking, make sure to stop at the farm store and grab the biggest fucking jug of apple cider you can find. In fact, grab like 12 of them, because in just a few days you're gonna wish you bought more. That stuff is friggin' dynamite and way better than that Ziegler's shit you get at the supermarket (no disrespect to Ziggy Ziegler who I'm sure is a fine man with a giant cock, but fresh apple cider right from the farmer's tit is unstoppable).

Also make sure to pick up a bunch of little apple butters and jams and jellies that come in those cute little jars, that you'll never use, but will be super excited to have. I also bought a wooden spoon with a bunny on it, because I like bunnies (and frankly needed a wooden spoon).

7. It Beats an Afternoon at the Pottery Barn

Yo fuck that place.





***SPECIAL BONUS SECTION FOR ALL MY TRUE HUSTLAS OUT THERE***

Philadelphia folks, here is an Evster-approved itinerary for the ultimate apple picking excursion:

Go apple picking here: 
Solebury Orchards
3325 Creamery Rd
New Hope, PA 18938

Not too big and commercial like some of the other shit shows around (I'm lookin' at you, Linvilla). A perfectly nice spot with good apples, good donuts and wooden bunny spoons.

Grab sandwiches at:
Lumberville General Store
3741 River Road
Lumberville, PA 18933

A throwback joint with dope sandwiches and Jamaican Jerk potato chips. Eat outside on a bench and have the neighbor's dog come lick your feet. Also they have a post office IN THE STORE so you can buy stamps or send a post card to everyone you know telling them you're better than them because you know out-of-the-way places that make dope sandwiches.

Take a stroll by the river and make your wife happy by stopping at:
Two Buttons
62 Trenton Ave
Frenchtown, NJ 08825

Just across the Delaware Riv is an arts and crafts / antique type store (GOTTA KEEP THE WOMAN HAPPY, KNAAMEAN?) owned by that lady who wrote Eat. Pray. Love. Apparently she travels around the world collecting interesting shit and then brings it to her warehouse to sell. They also offer free fresh popped popcorn to eat when walking around the store, which is nice (and they also have perfectly nice bathrooms).

Get a burger (or two) at:
Moo
4010 Durham Rd
Ottsville, PA 18942

THIS IS MY SPOT. It's an organic, locally-killed burger joint owned by a 20-year-old dude who has done way more in his life than you'll ever do. Great burgs, dope fries, fresh ingredients, the ill nana.

Enjoy ice cream right from a cow's butt:
OwowCow Creamery
4105 Durham Rd
Ottsville, PA 18942

Right up the street from Moo is the OwowCow Creamery and some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Apparently it's owned by some old-ass dude from New York who moved here because he fucking loves ice cream. (Also, I'm currrently on steroids which might explain why I was able to eat so much last Saturday.)

YO THIS IS A GOOD ITINERARY.

Good night.
Twittaaaaaaaaaa: @TVMWW

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

DWTS: Mario Lopez Reunited with Whatsherface Last Night and I Almost Barfed My Brains Out


I'm teaching myself to use photoshop!

Whaddya think?

Instead of the gun guy I was gonna put a guy barfing, but it looked too gross.

TV MY WIFE WATCHES EERYBODY!


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Evster's Guide to Dope TV Shows this #GourdSeason

If ya don't know, now ya know, Morgannnnnn.

Now that Breaking Bad is over and The Bach doesn't return 'til January, your life is completely meaningless. Sure, you could put the remote down and take up a hobby (possibly join a bowling league? or start a blog?), but let's not be ridiculous. Life's too short to actually do stuff. That's how people die.

I read an article last week about some guy who tried to climb a mountain and got eaten by a wolf. That's just stupid. No human being should ever climb a mountain, because that's where wolves live and wolves eat people. I'm not even talking about werewolves, I'm talking about wolves wolves. Sure, they look super cute, but they eat people's faces off. That's why I stay indoors at all times. Also I'm very fair-skinned and prone to mosquito bites. One day I'm going to die from cancer. So are you. Stay on your couch.

So seeing that you are lost and sad and have no ability to make decisions on your own, I have compiled the definitive TVMWW guide to #GourdSeason television. Follow this schedule over the next few months and you can finally taste the sweet nectar of happiness. Remember: TELEVISION IS FUN AND LIFE IS STUPID. That's a fact. That's just a medical fact. Honestly, thank you so much for reading my blog. I really appreciate it.


Friday, October 4, 2013

This Week's Top #GoogSearches That Led People to TVMWMWMWMWWW


And nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, here are this week's top searches that people actually typed into Google which led them to this hellhole of a website.



Also, Cinnamon Toast Crunch MASCOT.

And baklava!


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

TVMWW Breaking Exclusive Bing-Bong News Alert: New Judge Announced on Top Chef!


Eleanor Roosevelt!

So excited to see what Ellie brings to the Judges Table!



Top Chorfs starts tonight at 10 pm. Tonight is Wednesday. You should check TVMWW more often if you're reading this on Thursday or Friday or some other day that's not Wednesday. Unless you're reading this on the next Wednesday. Then thanks for reading. Also how did you get in the future?

The Evster and Zoo With Roy's Collabo Eagles Post on Philly DOT COM

Iron Hill Brewery has got some dope cheesesteak egg rolls. 

I know!

I can't believe it either!

But Philly.com, yeah, that Philly.com, the online home of the Philadorphlia Inqurierreerrer and Philadorplington Daily News published a post by me and Zoo With Roy about our fondest childhood Eagles memories.

READ THAT JAWN HERE.

One reader already commented, "you guys are a couple of tools" and signed his name as "I keeps it real!"

HE'S NOT WRONG!


Monday, September 30, 2013

Breaking Bad Finale: Discussing the Issues That No One Else is Talking About

Not a cloud in the sky!

Well, it was no Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, but the Breaking Bad finale was still epic. There was emotion, suspense, a Princess Leia / Jabba-the-Hut-esque choke-out scene, a Skinny Pete sighting, NICE CINEMATOGRAPHY, a lady wearing those fancy high heeled shoes with the red soles, THE RETURN OF THOSE PANCAKES. Over the next few days, anyone and everyone will give their opinions about the show: some will laud it, others will google the word "laud" to see if I used it correctly, but no one will put the show in the same category as Hangin' With Mr. Coops. Seriously, best show ever?! A former NBA player-turned-substitute-teacher who had to live with TWO female roommates?! ZOINKS ALERT! Plus he had to sleep on the couch in the den! HELLOOOOOO BACK PROBLEMS LOL OMG LOL LOL HE'S TOO TALL TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME okay sorry I'm stopping, I'm stopping.


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Elvin from The Cosby Show is Straight Killin' It on Dancing With The Stars

Kinda figured Elvin would have a little bit of chest hair.

In the three years since I started this blog, I have been lucky enough to cover a few absolutely incredible television moments: 

- A guy on the Bach with a freshly tattooed forearm sang an acapella love song to a woman he barely knew on top of a mountain. 

- On Virgin Diaries, two disgusting virgins repeatedly jammed their tongues down each other's throats with seemingly no ability to understand that the television cameras in front of them were going to broadcast this to a national audience.

- Joe Gorga ate spaghetti with a fork.

And now, Elvin from The Cosby Show -- a whopping 21 years after his last television appearance -- is absolutely dominating Dancing With The Stars.

Emmys Fashion Review with @SaraCircle

Almost none of these women are talked about in this post. 

Hey all you hamburgers and cheeseburgers. After live-tweeting the Emmys Sunday night and only losing eight followers, I figured I'd keep this train rolling and ask TVMWW’s Hollywood Correspondent, Sara Circs (aka Bazooka Mom), to join me to talk about Emmys fashion.

So enough with all this jibber jabber, let's get to it!

Ready to make fun of people, Circs?

Circs: Nope!

Awesome.


Lady from Parks and Rec, Parks and Rec 

The Evster: I like what this lady is doin here. Really goin' out on a limb with the whole fab goth thing, but then again I don’t know any fab goth chicks who carry a clutch, so maybe that’s not what she’s doing. I also don’t know if a “clutch” is the right word for what she’s carrying ... ugh, yes I do ... it’s obviously a clutch. Also, carrying a clutch around all night with you must be the worst. I mean, why not just make a dress with a little zip-up pouch like those old Kangaroos sneaks? That way women could carry around their essentials like lip gloss, a credit card and a vial of cocaine while also having their hands free to carry an even bigger bag of cocaine. Also, her tits are too small. Grade: B-

Circs: I was taken aback when I saw this because I was like, “Wow, she looks pretty hot, and I never thought of her as hot before, and this is kind of sophisticated, which also isn’t really how I think of her” and basically it was a She’s All That moment for me, except replace removing the pretty girl’s glasses with sitting on my couch eating beef jerky and weeping soft tears of loneliness. Anyway, even though her boobs aren’t that big and that is MASSIVELY OFFENSIVE TO ME, I think the dress fits her really well and is very very flattering and I actually think I like everything about it, so you can go fuck yourself, everybody. Sorry. Sorry. Everything’s cool. Grade: A- (could use a splash of color)

The Evster: Her necklace has a little splash of color.

Circs: Shut up.



Claire Dorngs, Homelambs 

The Evster: Okay, I recognize that this is a nice dress. The frills, the lace, the airflow under her pits giving off a subtle hint of Tom’s of Maine. BUT C’MON CLAIRE. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve seen you get railroaded by Agent Brody. I’ve seen you milking cows in Temple Grandin. So I must ask: WHAT’S UP WITH THE DOUBLE MASTECT? Grade: F minus!

Circs: I see you decided to go with that double mastect joke, Evan, with no regard whatsoever for Angelina Jolie’s feelings.

The Evster: Yeah, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go through with the double mastect joke, but I did it, and it’s out there, so what can I do? (I mean, I could obviously delete it, but I’m not gonna.) I also sort of feel like Claire used to have bigger titties and got a double mastect just so she could wear this dress.

Circs: Just try not to take her lack of breast tissue as a personal affront. I’m 85% sure she did not have you in mind when she was going (halfway) through puberty. And no, she never had bigger titties. We can do a whole Claire Danes red carpet retrospective, if you like.

The Evster: Pretty sure I saw her titties in Agent Brody’s mouth.

Circs: Pretty sure this is why Jordan Catalano was embarrassed to be seen with her.

Anyway, this dress is definitely pretty and I love how she was basically telling everyone (but really mainly the Evster) that she doesn’t give a fuck that she has no boobs, ‘cause she has a hot (possibly gay) husband and a bunch of Emmys and a kajillion dollars and a pretty dress with sequins.

Oh, but I hate her hair and this color washes her out and Jordan Catalano used to go the same physical therapy gym as me--what a complete freak. Grade: B- (who am I kidding; get some tits Danes)



Sofia Vergaarrarrarrrrra, Modern Fams 

The Evster: FINALLY WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE. Actually, you know what? I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna write about Sofia’s jingjongs because that’s just too easy. Instead, let’s talk about the lovely contrast of her emerald jewelry against the crimson of her dress OMG THIS IS SO BORING. Grade: Grade A Beef!

Circs: WE GET IT, SOFIA VERGARAREAREARWASA. Fishtail dress, hourglass figure, huge this, tiny that, when does everybody shut up so I can finally punch you in the mug? P.S. I hate your dumb show. Grade: Who cares, I just popped a vein in my forehead.



Xtina Hendricks, Mad Membs 

The Evster: BREAK OUT THE BAZOOKAS, BAZOOKA MOM, ‘CUZ YOU AIN’T NEVER BLOWN UP A DRESS LIKE DAT. This lady is a LEGEND. A living, breathing, bazooka-bombing legend. Also, check out Wilford Brimley behind her -- JUST HAPPY TO BE THERE -- completely ignoring the fact that the woman in front of him is about to blow up the red carp. And then there’s the other guy on the left drinking a diet orange soda? Love it! Grade: BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Circs: Evster, just when we think you’re going to be predictable, you say exactly what we expect you to say.

I honestly don’t even know what, if anything, Christina is wearing right here. Of course it doesn’t matter. Do you think when she gets dressed for the Emmys she’s like, “Please hand me that drape, because let’s be honest, not even I can think about or pay attention to anything besides--look, do I still have to even talk about this?”

Or maybe she goes to Christian Siriano and picks out something nice that flatters her shape. Grade: ??? Eleven.



Lena Dunns, Girls 

The Evster: Poor Lena Dunns. It doesn’t matter what she wears, people are gonna pick her apart. I mean, that’s a pretty nice dress, too. I’d prefer ladybugs over flowers, but that’s cool, I like the colors. And the eyeliner, I mean, it’s dumb and it’s way too much, but it’s fine, it’s perfectly fine. It really is amazing how many dickheads walk around these award shows with headsets on. There is literally nothing stupider in this world than wearing a headset. By the way, as I am typing this in my cubicle, I am currently wearing thirteen headsets. I could definitely see Lena Dunns having a severe mental breakdown at a very young age. How cute are ladybugs though? Excuse me for a sec I'm getting like nine phone calls. Grade: B-

Circs: I actually love this, love the color, love the eyes, love the look on her face, and am absolutely batshit NUTS about the fact that there are no ladybugs on her dress. I saw this in the audience from sort of a distance at one point and found this green-with-red-speckles blob pleasing to the eye before I even knew what it was. And by the way, I am not referring to Lena herself as a blob and genuinely think she looks great here. The dress just looked like a blob in the audience against all the boring black. NICE BLOB, LENA!! Grade: A


Jon Hamm, My Wife's Favourite Person in the History of the World 

The Evster: Awesome beard. Wife is probably a very, very, very nice and understanding human being. Grade: A

Circs: My feelings about Mr. Hamm are complicated. I both loathe and am attracted to his character of Don Draper more than I am to Hamm the actual mann. I mean, I love facial hair, but look at what a doof he is. Or not? I dunno, he’s all up in my precious comedy world and I’m not sure how I feel about it but it’s fine, whatever, I feel like I’m taking this question entirely too seriously all of a sudden when I should just be writing about getting smoldered by his hairy face. Ugh, he’s fine. His white/off-white coat looks dumb to me but I know absolutely nothing about men’s fashion.

As for his wife, Kissing Jessica Stein remains an awesome movie that I will watch absolutely any time it airs on Starz. Grade: Are beards uncomf? They look uncomf.

The Evster: Meh, not really, but they can be during the summer. Or if they get caught in your headset(s).

Circs: Hey Evster, quick questch: Do you realize that all of these people so far have been white? Should we have a non white person in here somewhere?

The Evster: Were there any black people there last night?

Circs: Kerry Washington.

The Evster: Is she a quarterback?

Circs: Let's just move on.



Heidi Klum, International Television Superstar 

The Evster: This dress is obviously retarded (and yet sort of amazing). The fact that it chokes Heidi out around her neck is super hot. Little known fact: European chicks who like to be choked out are WAY WAY WAY hotter than your average American prude. So bravo, Heidi Klum, bravo. Or should I say, “Bråüvenblürg.” Grade: A

Circs: More like Project Stunw oh who cares. Grade: C



Blossom, Blossom 

The Evster: Well it looks like the Maid of Honor is finally here! lol lol omg lol jk jk omg No but seriously is she on her way to Stacey’s wedding? lol lol WHERE ARE YOUR FLOWERS, BRIDESMAID? lol lol omg Hey Blossom, what table are you sitting at? 'Cuz we’re at Table14! lol lol omg jk HEY PASS THE BREAD AND BUTTER WOULD YA I'M STARVING jk jk lol omg jk ok I’m stopping. Grade: F

Circs: I had an aunt who died while dressed as a bridesmaid and watching Blossom, so this isn’t that funny to me. Grade: F



Sally Drapes, Mad Membs 

The Evster: Geez Louize, this entire time we’ve been writing this, Circs keeps emailing me on the side, saying, “Put in Sally Drapes! Put in Sally Drapes!” so here ya go, Circs, here’s your precious photo of Sally Drapes. She looks nice, with her little flower pasties pasted on her little flower dress. Although she kinda looks like a basket on the front of Mary Poppins’s bicycle. Did Mary Popps even ride a bicycle? If she did, it was probably a stupid one. Sorry, no idea why I got so angry all of a sudds, I actually really like bicycles and think that Mary Popps was supes hot. I just wanna see more titties. Grade: No

Circs: Upon first glance, I thought this was wack as wack can be. But then I sat back, studied it for a few hours, and realized it’s a goddamned work of art. I don’t feel like getting into all of the stuff about how it’s age-appropes, even though it is, because that’s boring. There shouldn’t be a question about it being age-appropes. If you’re underaged, be appropes, guys. It’s that simple. Grade: A+



Anna Gunnnnnnn, Breaking Bads 

The Evster: Man, did you read Anna Gunn’s op-ed in the NYT about the amount of hate that she -- both as a person and also Skyler the character -- gets from being on Breaking Bad? It was very well done and definitely worth reading and makes her even more attractive than she is on the show. (I like to watch her have sex!) But still, her titties could use a little work. Grade: C

Circs: I read the op-ed. It was sorta interesting. Grade: C

The Evster: Yeah, it wasn't that interesting.



This Lady, Lifetime Achievement Award Winner!

The Evster:  Grade: A+++++++++++++++

Circs: I think that by blinding this chick with a flash, the photographer actually saved Zooey Deschanel from being assassinated. Grade: FFFFFFFFFFFFF





If you wanna follow Sara Circs on Twitty Twitty Twang Twang, you can do so @SaraCircle. You can also follow me @TVMWW. Or you could just look at this horse. That's what I'd do. He's a nice horse. 

Also, here's last year's Emmy post for all you TRUE hustlas out there.