I don't even remember who won Top Chef. Marcos? Is that a person? That's not a person. Considering I can't remember jack, I've asked my good pal Mr. Froggington to join me to rank the top shows of 2012.
Ready Mr. Froggington?
87. Killer Karaoke (TruTV)
EVSTER: This show is horrible. Essentially it's a cross between American Idol and Fear Factor where people have to sing songs while being lowered into a fish tank filled with freezing cold water and live snakes. Frankly, I don't know what's wrong with this generation. In order to be entertained, they need to watch a guy get eaten by a snake. Plus, they love giving Power Point presentations. What happened to the good ole days when we could be entertained by Kathie Lee Gifford, a pair of beige pumps and our enormous, pulsating boners?
MR. FROGGINGTON: First of all, I'm a frog. I live in a pond and I don't own a television, so let's just get that outta the way from the start. Second, this show sounds dumb. Reptiles are cold-blooded, so those poor snakes probably died from being in the icy water. And here's the thing: I don't even like snakes! They're always trying to eat me! I hate this show and I hate snakes, but I lovvvve Kathie Lee Giffs. Wait a minute, no, I hate Kathie Lee Giffs. Sometimes I get confused. I'm a frog.
|Just talking to a frog on national television.|
53. Watch What Happens Live (Bravo)
EVSTER: Bottom line, best late night talk show on TV. Andy Cohen does a tremendous job as host, and there is no more riveting three minutes on television than Plead the Fifth. This show is far and away the 53rd best program on TV.
MR. FROGGINGTON: All right, just so we're all on the same page, I'm a frog and I do not actually own a television nor have I ever owned a television. That being said, I love watching drunk people do anything, so I give Watch What Happens Live four ribbits out of three!
36. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo)
EVSTER: Highlights of the past year included:
- A guy killed himself because he couldn't stand living with his wife.
- Some new lady showed off her absolutely incredible refrigerator.
- A recovering alcoholic/drug addict -- who has no clue how to do anything -- made a giant tub of chicken salad.
MR. FROGGINGTON: Soooooooo, quick recap: I'm a frog. Generally, I like my television programs to have something a little more catered to frogs -- you know, ponds, lily pads, frogs -- and this show does not have any of those things. But I do love women with really smooth shins. I'd also like to say that I'm thoroughly enjoying participating in this blogpost.
35. Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo)
EVSTER: So many donks!
MR. FROGGINGTON: I knew a lady from Atlanta once. Her name was Rorvswell. That's not true, that's not even a name. I'm a frog, I don't know anyone.
34. Real Housewives of New Jerz (Bravo)
EVSTER: I heard a rumor that Danielle Whatshername is coming back this year!
27. Shark Tank (ABC)
EVSTER: The title is a bit misleading -- there are no sharks and no tanks -- but this show is definitely worth watching. The gist of it is: aspiring inventors/business people go in front of a panel of billionaires (including Mark Cuban, the lady who runs QVC and the guy who started FUBU) with million-dollar ideas. They pitch their product ("It's a pen that's also a shoe!") and try to convince the panel as to why they should financially back their business.
Here's an example of what might happen on the show:
Guy walks in front of the panel, takes a pickle, and throws it against the wall. He then turns to Mark Cuban, raises his eyebrows and goes, "eh?"
MARK CUBAN: All right, you threw a pickle, how's it gonna make me money?
CONTESTANT: Pickle Darts.
FUBU GUY: Pickle Darts?
CONTESTANT: Pickle Darts.
QVC LADY: I love it.
CONTESTANT: Think about it, you're at a party, you're eating pickles, now you can also play darts.
MARK CUBAN: Where you getting the pickles?
CONTESTANT: I grow my own pickles.
MARK CUBAN: What's it cost to grow 'em?
CONTESTANT: Around a hundred bucks a barrel.
MARK CUBAN: So the real cost is in the packaging.
FUBU GUY: Sorry, wait a minute. These are pickles? And you're throwing them against a wall?
CONTESTANT: I'm seeking a $30 million dollar investment, so I can get Pickle Darts into every Dick's Sporting Goods store in the country.
MARK CUBAN: What is so great about your pickles?
CONTESTANT: Well, like I said, I grow each and every pickle by hand, so you're not gonna find better pickles.
MARK CUBAN: Ummm, I own 47 pickle farms across the Southwestern United States. I think I know where I can find better pickles. I'm out.
FUBU GUY: Why are you throwing pickles?
CONTESTANT: Well you're also eating pickles.
QVC LADY: I love eating pickles.
MARK CUBAN: Me too. I might want back in.
QVC LADY: This is a brilliant idea. I knew it from the moment you walked in here.
CONTESTANT: Yeah. You get to throw pickles.
QVC LADY: But you don't want these pickles in Dick's Sporting Goods. They'll sit on the shelf, the pickles will get old, people need to see them in use. On QVC, I can demonstrate the Pickle Darts, show off my manicured nails and make you a millionaire.
FUBU GUY: Sorry, we're talking about pickles here, right?
QVC LADY: I'll offer you $100,000, but I get 95% of the company.
CONTESTANT: Ehhh, I dunno, I was kinda hoping to walk outta here still owning 51% of the company. I've had this idea since I was in middle school, and ...
QVC LADY: Okayyyy, I'll offer you $40.
|That's a pretty nice rug.|
MR. FROGGINGTON: This show also has a great time slot -- 10pm on Friday nights -- perfect for people who love to wear sweatpants. Me myself personally, I've never worn sweatpants, but they seem pretty much like the ultimate pants.
19. Mad Men (AMC)
EVSTER: This past seez was totally disappointing. Xtina Hendricks got pregnant and not one breastfeeding scene??? That's just wrong duck dong.
13. Louie (FX)
EVSTER: Look, I love Louie, it's a great show, but for some reason I only saw around three episodes this past season. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
MR. FROGGINGTON: Okay, since the beginning of this post I've been getting a bunch of texts and emails from readers who seem to be a bit confused about who I am and what I'm doing here. So let me just clear up the confusion by saying that yes, I am a frog. That being said, I'm pretty sure that one of the frogs from that Bud Light commercial back in the day was named Louie, and I gotta be honest, I kinda liked that guy. I've never seen this Louie show, but if it's anything like those Bud Light commercials, I think I'd love it. I'm starving by the way. Anybody else hungry? Anyone wanna grab a burg or somethin' after this? I know this great place on Oregon Ave no I don't I'm a frog.
12. Inside the NBA (TNT)
EVSTER: Bill Simmons claims that the addition of Shaq to TNT's halftime show has greatly hurt the program, but that guy doesn't know shit about shit. The other day Shaq was talking about how when Zach Randolph gets the ball in the deep post, "It's like barbecue chicken." I have no idea what that means, but I love him.
MR. FROGGINGTON: Little known fact about when people eat barbecue chicken, it's VERY DISRESPECTFUL to chickens and the entire animal community. And you can run and tell THAT.
11. The Grammys (CBS)
EVSTER: This year at the Grammys there was a DJ guy who wore a giant mouse hat. I love the Grammys and I love giant mouse hats.
MR. FROGGINGTON: Chris Brown is the worst, even worse than this kid who once tried to throw a rock at me. That kid couldn't throw for shit. I bet Chris Brown can't throw for shit either, hence why he became a dancer as opposed to a point guard. And yes I realize that's racist but I'm a frog.
10. The Bachelor with Ben Flaj (ABC)
EVSTER: Ben Flaj could've been the dumbest Bach of all time, choosing a woman who has more sexually transmitted diseases than most NBA point guards.
MR. FROGGINGTON: IDEA FOR A TV SHOW: Sigourney Weaver and Charlie Villanueva fuck each other HARD.
|I see you, Chuck!|
EVSTER'S NOTE: Everything you've read up to this point was written on a cold, rainy Wednesday night about a week and a half ago. Since that time, I've been on vacashe and have not worn pants. It is now, as I type this, December 30th, and I have exactly 36 hours to get this post online before 2013. Seems doable, right? Well, keep in mind that I'm about to sit down to watch nine hours of football and then my wife is making me watch the Downton Abbey season two finale. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to drive with my father to Brooklyn to see my new baby nephew who up to this point I haven't showed a lick of attention to because I'm a deadbeat uncle who watches way too much football and invites pretend-frogs to join him on collabo-blogposts. So the rest of this post will be written in rapid-fire-bam-boom-pow-style, and I'm sorry, I'm going to have to cut Mr. Froggington off. Thank you and have a blessed day.
9. Top Chef (Bravo)
EVSTER: My friend Lip Balm used to work as a flattop cook at a diner in Atlanta, and he claims that the formula for making the ultimate grilled cheese is "Mo buttah, mo bettah." Well, the formula for the ultimate Top Chef seez is, "The more foreign people who speak broken English, the bettah." During the first episode of this latest season, the Belgian guy kept saying, "booyah." WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT? Also, that guy Stefan is the best!
MR. FROGGINGTON: WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CUTTING ME OFF FROM THIS POST? YOU DON'T JUST INVITE SOMEONE TO COLLABO WITH YOU ON A BLOGPOST AND THEN CUT 'EM OFF. NO WONDER YOUR WIFE WON'T LET YOU GET A DOG. I AM A FROG.
8. The Mindy Proj (Fox)
and 7. Ben and Kate (Fox)
EVSTER: Pretty sure I already blogged about these shows. I'm suddenly a little scared of Mr. Froggington.
MR. FROGGINGTON: YOU SHOULD BE SCARED. I'M A STONE COLD KILLAH, ASK ABOUT ME. THAT BEING SAID, I'M KINDA DIGGIN' THIS RAPID FIRE BLOGGING. NEXT SHOW.
6. Tattoo Nightmares (Spike)
EVSTER: Obviously this is not the #6 best show of 2012, but my wife and I got zorped into a Tattoo Nightmares marathon the other day and it was amazinggggggggg. Basically the show is just like that other tattoo show, but the customers stroll in with REALLY DUMB tattoos and the tattoo artists attempt to cover them up with BONKERS ones. My father has been saying for years that tattoo coverups and removals are the wave of the future, but he also claims that sporks will become "Utopia's Utensil."
MR. FROGGINGTON: I'm sorry I yelled before, Evster. I'm a frog. I don't often collaborate with humans on blogposts, let alone do anything besides sit on rocks, and I have trouble controlling my emotions. It's also really cold outside these days and I think I might be dying.
|She's no Sigourney.|
5. The Bachelorette with Emily (ABC)
EVSTER: THE NEW BACH STARTS ON MONDAYYYYYYYYYYY.
MR. FROGGINGTON: I CAN FEEL MY INNARDS FREEZINGGGGGGGGGG.
4. Hurricane Sandy (The Weather Channel)
EVSTER: Probably the most riveting 48 hours of television I've ever watched -- not because of the constant updates, but because I felt like at any moment we could've lost power and not been able to watch TV. I'd say our lights flickered around 15 times during that storm and stayed on the entire time yay-ee-yayeee! Long Island can suck my crankkkkk.
MR. FROGGINGTON: Hurricane Sandy was really scary. I lost many loved ones.
This is Probably a Good Spot for Shows My Wife and I Don't Actually Watch
I'm sure that Homelambs, Breaking Bad, Dorxter, Boardwalk Empire, Nurse Janet, and all those other shows that white people talk about should be ranked somewhere on this list, but my wife doesn't watch them. Also, my wife fucking LOVVVVEEESSSS Downton Abbey so expect a blogpost about that snooze-a-thon of a show (JK, honey! I love it!) at some point/never. For real doe, Downton Abbs is a FREAKING ROLLER COASTER.
3. Game of Frones (HBO)
EVSTER: This past season was totally bonkers although I was a little disappointed that they didn't bring back that crazy lady who still breast-feeds her kid. He was a WEIRDO. She had potensh to be the freakiest lady in the history of ladies and I hope to see her again at some point. Also, if there are any new mothers or soon-to-be-new-mothers out there who have any questions about b-feeding your recently born or soon-to-be-born child, please don't hesitate to email any questions to email@example.com.
MR. FROGGINGTON: B-feeding is a very beautiful and natural experience for mothers and children to share, so here's a cheat sheet provided by some friends of mine at Green Frog Child Care: http://www.greenfrogchildcare.com/breastfeeding.pdf
|It's very natural!|
I just realized that I totally forgot about Parks and Rec!!!
Also 3. Parks and Rec (NBC)
EVSTER: I need to end this blogpost! My dinner just arrived! We got mozzarella sticks!
MR. FROGGINGTON: Next show!
2. Girls (HBO)
EVSTER: If I like this show enough to rank it #2 as a heterosexual married male who may or may not be a homosexual, imagine how much I'd like this show if I was a woman!!!
MR. FROGGINGTON: We're almost done!
And nowwwwwwwwwwwww, the #1 show of 2012!!!
1. Antiques Roadshow (PBS)
EVSTER: LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!
MR. FROGGINGTON: Never seen itttttttttttttttttttt!!!
|RIP Orville Redenbachs!|
Thanks to everyone for reading the Absolute Dumbest Blog-Blog on the Planet during 2012. I really appreciate it. And please know that I'm still planning on announcing the winners from this past summer's TVMWW Art Contest Sponsored by Sal's Automotive at some point during the next decade. I will also be announcing the TVMWW Reader and Commenter of the Year Awards very soon and look for a BACHELOR PREVIEW COMING THIS WEEK / BEFORE MONDAY / MOST LIKELY SOMETIME IN EARLY SEPTEMBER.
Happy New Year, Happy Whatever, new moms seriously don't hesitate to reach out, b-feeding is a wonderful and natural experience to be shared with others.
Here's another frog.