Look, any knucklehead can go out and get his wife an awesome present like some chop sticks or a log flume or something, but it's the truly thoughtful gifts that hit home the hardest. That's why every year for Hannukah I get my wife a Cat-of-the-Day calendar, because she loves cats and I like sleeping indoors. It's honestly a fantastic calendar and if your wife loves animals and doesn't appreciate when you spend six months building a 45-foot log flume in your backyard that only adds minimal costs to your water bill, then you should get her one.
Let me explain.
There are two types of people in this world: those who stay up-to-date with their page-a-day calendars, and those who have been staring at the same Jeopardy trivia question since March 14th. There are also those who are starving in Africa and wash their faces in a bucket of mud every morning and wouldn't know what to do with a Far Side calendar if you gave 'em one, in fact they'd probably try to eat it, but for the sake of this blogpost (and to stay consistent with everybody else in the world) let's just ignore them and focus on the first two. Throughout my entire life, I have used page-a-day calendars exclusively as notepads. Sure, I had good intentions (this is the year I make it to June! and also floss! and also stop calling my mother whenever I hear that Aaron Neville song "I don't knowwwww much, but I know I love youuuuuuuuu"), but never stayed consistent. My wife shared the same problem, even struggling to get through the very thoughtful NY Knicks Trivia page-a-day'er I got her in 2007. But in 2011 (the year of the Scone), our lives would change forever ... I got my wife a Cat-of-the-Day calendar and together, we flipped that jawn EVERY COT DAMN DAY.
What an accomplishment for a young couple just starting off!
Yeah, some newlyweds make babies (borrrrriiiinnggggggggg ... and I'm impotenttttttttttttttt) or open 401K plans, but how many people get to meet a different cat EVERY COT DAMN DAY?!?!
(The answer is probably thousands because this calendar is very popular and lots of people are able to flip one page every day without much fanfare or writing a 1,000-word blog-blogpost about it.)
BUT HERE'S THE THING ... I DON'T EVEN LIKE CATS.
That's not true, I love all animals.
BUT HERE'S ANOTHER THING ... I DON'T EVEN LIKE CARTS.
|Yo, no joke, that's the worst fucking cart ever.|
I know what you're thinking, "Page-a-Day calendars can suck my butttttttttttttttt," and "I can't be flipping pages EVERY COT DAMN DAYYYY," and "I'm ready to start skimming this post and just looking at the picturesssssssss," but Cat-of-the-Day is DIFFERENT, because their photos are glossssssssyyyyyy and it will help you learn a little something called responsibilityyyyyyyyyy.
Responsibility is very important in this world, especially if your wife wants to own a real pet or human. Just tell her that if she passes the test of flipping 365 pages for 365 consecutive days, you will think about getting / giving her one of those ... and also taking down the log flume that you've worked VERY hard building.
|Just to the left of Cat, yeah, that's my blood pressure medicashe.|
On weekends there's a Cat-of-Two-Days who is responsible for holding it down for 48 straight hours -- a lot to ask of a cat!
Luckily, these cats are up to the challenge, because Cat-of-Two-Days are total renegades.
|That guy's a total renegade!|
Last year, we kicked it up a notch by adding Dog-of-the-Day into the mix -- and placed him directly across the counter from Cat-of-the-Day.
My wife was NOT HAPPY.
|This guy would friggin' LOVE a log flume, amirite, Kunker?!|
Don't get me wrong, my wife likes dogs, but Dog-of-the-Day tends to be a little more artsy than Cat-of-the-Day and you din't hear it from me, but they kinda try to steal Cat's thunder. Sometimes there are pictures of just a dog's foot or his shadow or his nose sniffing outside of a window or something.
|What's that, a Cutlass?|
Luckily, both Cat-of-the-Day and Dog-of-the-Day and Cat-of-Two-Days and Dog-of-Two-Days have gotten along famously in our kitchen and we are now about to embark on our third consecutive year of finishing page-a-day-calendars and that's seriously a pretty amazing accomplishment and I can't believe I wrote a whole blog-blogpost about this.
CONCLUSION, you should get your wife these calendars and start to act responsibly for once in your COT DAMN life!
Doesn't seem like much, but let me reiterate, GAME CHANGER. She will LOVE IT and she will LOVE YOU and you will not have to EVER pick an animal's shit out of a litter box or off your neighbor's lawn. Also, when you come downstairs every morning and flip a page and there's a brand new cat and dog EVERY COT DAMN OKAY EV WE GET IT, it makes you feel like you're really doing something in this world.
You gotta wonder when they're gonna make a Polar-Bear-of-the-Day jawn!!!
And yes I'm aware that these are just glossy pieces of paper!!!
I'm allergic to actual furry things and that's sad for me!!!
My wife actually had to give up her two cats, Elliot and Jelly, when we moved in together. SAD FOR HER. I feel terrible about it EVERY COT DAMN ... In other news, she's making potato latkes for dinner tonight so BING AND BONG. Speaking of bing bongs, this is the absolute dumbest twitter account ever, but I kind of love it ... it's the Big Ben Clock and it just bongs every hour, check it out. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out Ben Savage about to make out hardcore with Topango. (That show Boy Meets Butt is apparently coming back by the way. I've actually never seen it, but Topangles has some major bing bongs.)