Monday, December 17, 2012

Bachelorette Wedding: An Absolutely Disgusting, Barf-filled Evening of Love

STOP SMILING AT ME!

Around 35 minutes into last night's Bachelorette Barf-o-rama, my worf explained to me that she'd had enough.

MY WORF:  Nope, can't do it, Ev. I'm changing the channel.

EVSTER:  C'mon Darrie, fight through it.

MY WORF:  Dude, this is a total snoozefest. I can't take it anymore.

EVSTER:  Darrie, it has to get better. It has to. Look, there's the tattooed lady.

MY WORF:  I'm changing the channel!

EVSTER:  But I have a blog to maintain!

MY WORF:  THIS IS DOGSHIT, DUDE!

EVSTER:  I HAVE A BLOG TO MAINTAIN!!!

MY WORF:  YOUR BLOG IS CALLED "TV YOUR WIFE WATCHES!" "TV YOUR WIIIIIFFFFFEEEE WATCHES!"

EVSTER:  THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT, LADY! THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT!

MY WORF:  IT WOULDN'T BE TRUE TO THE BLOG GAME IF YOU DIDN'T LET ME CHANGE THE CHANNY!

EVSTER:  THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT, ALSO!

MY WORF:  I'M CHANGIN' THE CHANNY!!!

EVSTER:  CHANGE THE CHANNYYYY!!!

MY WORF:  I'M CHANGIN' THE CHANNNNNYYYYYY!!!

And so she changed the channy, over to Real Housewives of Atlanta, just in time to see one lady grind her butt into another lady's husband's dork. Then, a different lady tried to choke that lady. It was riveting. But then RHOA ended, and we changed it back to Barfapalooza, and continued to barf all over the place all night long.

I would pay top dollar to have this woman beat the shit outta me. 

I don't know why I was so excited to watch Barftron 4000 in the first place. I guess the fact that it had the word "Bachelorette" in the title duped me into thinking it'd be good, but it wasn't, it was friggin' disgusting. It was friggin' disgustinggggggg! There's really nothing more vile than watching two people in love ... kissing, holding hands, SMILING ... did you see the way they're constantly SMILING at each other???

Look, I don't have any problem with love, I really don't. Love is lovely. I'm been in love with the same woman for over 15 years (Mariah). I'm kidding, Darrie! Mariah, if you're reading this, I was just kidding about kidding. Oh my God, Dar! I was just kidding about kidding about kidding! And I'm fine with watching people jam their tongues down each other's throats, but not when they're in love. No one wants to see that. In the privacy of your own bedroom, sure, you can do all types of jam-jobs. Or in bathroom stalls. Or on a rock on the shores of the Norwegian Sea while you were on vacation this past summer. All perfectly acceptable places for jam-jobs. But not on national television, not when you actually like the person.

Even when the lovebirds weren't making out last night, this show was totally lame. During his bachelor party (aka the most boring bachelor party of all time), J.P. admitted that, "I miss Ashley anytime I'm not with her," WHICH IS FRIGGIN' DISGUSTING. Then later, he actually met up with her (on the night of his bach party!) TO GO ICE SKATING!!!

ICE SKATINGGGGG!!!

Let me just say that again for those of you who feel like I use ALL CAPS a little too much and thus have lost the effect of ALL CAPS whenever I use ALL CAPS.

The dude ... during the middle of his bachelor party ... met up with HIS FUTURE WIFE ... the woman he'd have to spend the rest of his life with ... TO GO ICE SKATINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

He even laced up her skates for her!!!

I understand that strip clubs aren't for everyone, but c'mon ...

That's DISGUSTING!!!

That dog has no idea where the camera is!

On the night of my bachelor party (and for all intents and purposes I'm a pretty laid back dude who's not nearly as disgusting as his online persona would lead you to believe), I pretended that I got no cellphone service at the Pumptown Tavern and ended up getting my ass BLASTED by a couple strippers who were MUCH stronger than they looked. Later, I got three straight lap dances from a really sweaty woman who may or may not have even worked at the club.

My buddy Wormz -- a father of two who looks like a very clean-cut dude, but is really a sick, sick, sick bastard -- has this move where if a stripper is giving him a lap dance and is doing all those silly backflips and hanging on his shoulders and jumping off him like Greg Louganis, you know, the stuff that no dude ever wants them to do (we just want them to grind up against our yimmers, that's basically it) he says to her, "Hold up lady, I'm not into any of that. Could you just ..." and the stripper will normally cut him off and say, "Yo! Don't tell me how to do my job," and Wormz shuts the fruck up. Then, after the lady is finished dancing and has pretty much put both of her shoes back on, Wormz pulls out a 50 dollar bill, holds it up and goes:

"Hold on. I'm not done, I want another."

And then the stripper walks over to him and he holds the money in front of her face and says:

"But this time (pause), I make the rules."

WHAT A SICK BASTARD!!!

Honestly, nothing else worth discussing happened during last night's two-hour slumber party. During the ceremony, there was a quick pan to Ames who was in attendance, but he didn't get any speaking lines. UNACCEPTABLE. In fact, that dude Craig R. from around ten seasons ago got more airtime than Ames. (In other news, I have another friend who is a total, total, total scumbag and claims to have done massive amounts of cocaine with Craig R. Not really the most interesting tidbit, but I felt like it was worth sharing.) Also, Chris Harrison has a new hairstyle -- a modified schwee-schwoop -- that is much, much, much better than that stupid push-down flap-up crockpot style that he's been rockin' since 19 ought 6.

Bottom line, this show gets a rating of three dog balls out of four. It also caused my wife and I to get into a mini-argument over the fact I "rarely/never" open-mouth kiss her in public.





Dogs, the actual Bach starts on Monday, January 7th -- which just so happens to be the SAME NIGHT as the BCS Championship Game!!! UNACCEPTABLE AGAIN, ABC. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Oh, c'mon, we all know what I'm gonna do. You know what you should do right now? You should check out this dude @Love_that_Goku on Twitter. I don't really ever know what he's talking about, but I think he's brilliant. So follow him. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, buy your wife Dog-of-the-Day calendar, already!!! What are you waiting for, dummy?!?!

7 comments:

  1. What I like most about this post is how much it makes me feel like I'm actually watching the show. No detail left out, you know? I might as well be the bride herself. However, you left out one crucial detail: was there a chuppah?

    Is it weird I don't think your friend Wormz (not buying that you actually call him that) is that out of line with the stripper? I dunno--I'm clearly not a stripper. I mean, she could just say no, right?

    Recently saw this blog post by a stripper who was pretty much saying if a dude ejaculates during a lap dance he's the most disgusting person on earth and she gets to charge him more. I was sort of surprised, but then again, this is not the first time I have proven myself to be naive. Are all the men out there nodding about this lap dance/ejaculating thing?

    Here's the blog post: http://www.survivetheclub.com/2012/09/11/explosions-in-his-pants/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LEAVING OUT DEETS IS PART OF THE JOKE, LADY.

      IT'S PART OF THE JOKE.

      But if you must know, yes there was a chuppah, and there were yarmulkes worn, but there was no actual Jewish'y stuff.

      My buddy Wormz's name is not actually Wormz (HE HAS A FAMILY THAT I'M NOT TRYING TO EMBARRASS AND I NEVER SNITCH ON MY MANS), but my college roommate, Cornelius (real name) used to call me Wormzer from Revenge of the Nerds and I called him Lamar.

      IN REGARDS TO CUMMING IN ONE'S PANTS AT A STRIP CLUB: that stripper is an idiot. I know fellas who wear their most slippery slacks when they go to strip clubs for optimum friction. I also know of at least 2 who walk in the door with their only intention being to jizz in their pants.

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    2. I just ate a grape...and I jizzed in my pants.

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    3. This blog is supposed to be funny?

      Thank you thank you, tips in the jar folks, jizz in the pants.

      (P.S. Slippery slacks would DECREASE friction - TAKE A PHYSICS CLASS.)

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    4. I've been thinking more about this friction thing, and I take back my comment. You said "optimum" friction, not "maximum" friction - and it is likely the case that maximum is not optimum in this case. Carry on.

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    5. You're really making a run for Commenter of the Year, huh?

      And I don't think it's that clear that you're NOT a stripper.

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    6. That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

      (Now in the appropriate place because these things are important.)

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