Evster's note: I haven't posted anything in a while due to a variety of reasons, (Oh, who gives a shit, Ev, just get to the damn post). But I felt the need to get some new content up on this garbage dump of a blog, so I threw this jawn together this morning. Have fun skimming through it and looking at the pictures. I appreciate each and every one of you (mostly my Twitter followers, though). God bless you, God bless clementines, and God bless the United States of Clementines.
How did we ever watch television before Twitter? I guess we just talked to whoever was next to us on the couch (borrrriiinnnggggggg), but now with Twitts, it's like having 30 of your best friends right in your living room -- and also The Iron Sheik and Kim Kardash and some stranger from Indiana who you follow because he once tweeted something funny during Too Cute: Kittens! Everyone throws out JOKES and tries really hard to be clever and now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably the worst way to live your life, ever. I think I hate Twitter. That being said, I love Twitter. DID YOU HEAR THE PART WHEN I SAID IRON SHEIK. Frankly, I have no idea how I feel about it, but just know that in the time it took me to type this paragraph I checked my Twitter timeline 343 times. Some guy just ate a bagel!
|Forget about the sweaty nips, how 'bout the Battle of the Bulge?|
I tuned in just as The Who took the stage and was blown away by how much Roger Dalts looks like Mr. Vanderpumps.
|Drawstring hanging out his trunks like my man Michael Cooper.|
Obviously Twitter started going bonks ... "Play Baba O'Nips!" ... "He's a Nipball Wizard!" ... "Something about bagel nips!"
I was totally fine with Roger Dalts bippin and nippin (that's not a thing), but my wife on the other hand, she got upset.
MY WEEF: Look, I know you say I think about this stuff too much, but if this were a 65-year-old chick showing off her old-ass nips, people would NOT be okay with it.
ME: I would be. But you're right, Dar, you're totally right. And I love you. What are the chances you'll let me spread cream cheese all over your nips?
MY WEEF: I hate you.
ME: Not an answer!
After they wiped Roger Dalts's nips from the stage, Alicia Keys got up there and told everyone to put their cellphones in the air, which apparently is something that people say and do these days.
|Probably the most boring picture in TVMWW history.|
Alicia went on to sing that song "No one, no one, no wuh-uh-uh-uhnnnnnnnn ..." a song that I once totally butchered at karaoke (sad for me). The only reason I picked the song (besides the fact that it's THE TOTAL BRONTOSAURUS MEGA JAM) was to do the part at the end where she yells "oh!" and then the crowd yells "oh!" and then she yells "oh!" again and then they yell "oh!" again and then everyone start's oh'ing and thank you to that one dude at karaoke who actually knew the oh part and joined me for what was probably the greatest 11 seconds of my life.
|Oh, who cares.|
Later in the evening, Kanye West did some stuff while wearing a leather kilt. I thought this was by far the best part of the show, but that could've been due to the fact that he came on just as my wife went to bed, which allowed me to open the floodgates on Twitter. The next three hours were spent exclusively looking down at my phone. I don't think I actually saw any more of the concert.
Then again, I also didn't get yelled at for not paying attention to the woman who I love more than anything in this world.
At around 11:30pm, Billy Joel (pronounced "Jo-ell" by my mother) took the crowd on a quick trip to Snoozeville, singing a couple songs off his Greatest Snoozers album, while going on a mini-rant about how tough people from Long Island are.
If you've ever met anyone from Long Island, then you know that they are:
a) not tough
c) THE ABSOLUTE WORST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET
I got my first taste of Long Islanders as a freshman at the University of Maryland (aka Dickbag U) when me and this dude from my dorm were walking on campus and he bumped into this chick that he knew from Long Island and kissed her on the cheek. They talked for a bit ... "Blah blah blah, I chug cock." ... "So do I!" ... then said goodbye with another kiss on the cheek.
ME: So is that your girlfriend?
DUDE FROM LONG ISLAND: Nawww.
ME: Your cousin?
DUDE FROM LONG ISLAND: Nah yo, just some chick from Syosset that I met the other day.
ME: HEAD EXPLODING IN 4 BILLION PIECES
Apparently, people from Long Isle just kiss everyone on the cheek. EVERYONE. It's insane. At first, I thought it was amazing, and started kissing absolutely every chick I met on the cheek. I'd walk into peoples' dorm rooms, "Hey, I'm the Evster. Mwah!" ... at the dining hall, "Excuse me, just wanna grab a grilled cheese, mwah," ... staring in the mirror, crying after not being invited to a party, "You're such a LOSER. You're such a sorry piece of mwah, oh, mwah, you're so vulnerable though, mwah, mwah, nobody understands you, mwahhhh, uh, uh, lllliiihhhh," (that's me licking the mirror). It got to the point where I had to calm the freak down, because I had developed a reputation as the guy on campus who was known for the cheek-kiss / hair-smell combo. (There was also a little problem with the Battle of the Bulge.) Eventually, when I realized that most people from Long Island actually suck (and that I was celibate), I boycotted the cheek-kiss and now pretty much exclusively hug (and smell) women when greeting them.
The main draw of the evening occurred at around the 1am mark when Paul McCarts filled in for Kurt Cobain and sang with Nirvana. They sang one song (which was pretty exciting) and then I went to sleeps. I think they probably sang more songs after that, but I'm 35-years-old goddammit, and I can't be staying up that late.
My man @glowacki19 on the other hand, he stayed up til the very end. Dude was rockin' out in his man cave.
|That yellow thing in the far back corner shoots out little wiffle balls |
and I once blasted one right into a picture of my buddy's 3-year-old son.
I can't believe how close we are to LES MIS COMING OUT IN THE THEATRE -- OH MY GOD I JUST ADMITTED THAT AGAIN ON THE INTERNET. Are you gonna see it? Be honest. It looks amazingggggggggggggggg. You should see it. Or you should read this Onion article "by" Bruce Springsteen about New Jerz. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this really dumb movie poster that my man @Kunk7 made.