Sunday, December 30, 2012

TVMWW's Top Shows of 2012: Somehow Wipeout Did Not Make This List What The Freak

So much happened in the world of TV over the past year: Don Draper got mad at that guy, and that other guy on that other show died, and then there was that lady who went berzerker and I honestly can't remember anything do you know how long a year is???

I don't even remember who won Top Chef. Marcos? Is that a person? That's not a person. Considering I can't remember jack, I've asked my good pal Mr. Froggington to join me to rank the top shows of 2012.

Ready Mr. Froggington?

Ready!

87. Killer Karaoke (TruTV)

EVSTER:  This show is horrible. Essentially it's a cross between American Idol and Fear Factor where people have to sing songs while being lowered into a fish tank filled with freezing cold water and live snakes. Frankly, I don't know what's wrong with this generation. In order to be entertained, they need to watch a guy get eaten by a snake. Plus, they love giving Power Point presentations. What happened to the good ole days when we could be entertained by Kathie Lee Gifford, a pair of beige pumps and our enormous, pulsating boners?

MR. FROGGINGTON:  First of all, I'm a frog. I live in a pond and I don't own a television, so let's just get that outta the way from the start. Second, this show sounds dumb. Reptiles are cold-blooded, so those poor snakes probably died from being in the icy water. And here's the thing: I don't even like snakes! They're always trying to eat me! I hate this show and I hate snakes, but I lovvvve Kathie Lee Giffs. Wait a minute, no, I hate Kathie Lee Giffs. Sometimes I get confused. I'm a frog.

Just talking to a frog on national television. 


53. Watch What Happens Live (Bravo)

EVSTER:  Bottom line, best late night talk show on TV. Andy Cohen does a tremendous job as host, and there is no more riveting three minutes on television than Plead the Fifth. This show is far and away the 53rd best program on TV.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  All right, just so we're all on the same page, I'm a frog and I do not actually own a television nor have I ever owned a television. That being said, I love watching drunk people do anything, so I give Watch What Happens Live four ribbits out of three!

36. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo)

EVSTER:  Highlights of the past year included:

- A guy killed himself because he couldn't stand living with his wife.
- Some new lady showed off her absolutely incredible refrigerator.
- A recovering alcoholic/drug addict -- who has no clue how to do anything -- made a giant tub of chicken salad.

Brilliant.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  Soooooooo, quick recap: I'm a frog. Generally, I like my television programs to have something a little more catered to frogs -- you know, ponds, lily pads, frogs -- and this show does not have any of those things. But I do love women with really smooth shins. I'd also like to say that I'm thoroughly enjoying participating in this blogpost.


35. Real Housewives of Atlanta (Bravo)

EVSTER:  So many donks!

MR. FROGGINGTON:  I knew a lady from Atlanta once. Her name was Rorvswell. That's not true, that's not even a name. I'm a frog, I don't know anyone.  


Foreshadowing!


34. Real Housewives of New Jerz (Bravo)

EVSTER:  I heard a rumor that Danielle Whatshername is coming back this year!

MR. FROGGINGTON:  I did not hear that! 

27. Shark Tank (ABC)

EVSTER:  The title is a bit misleading -- there are no sharks and no tanks -- but this show is definitely worth watching. The gist of it is: aspiring inventors/business people go in front of a panel of billionaires (including Mark Cuban, the lady who runs QVC and the guy who started FUBU) with million-dollar ideas. They pitch their product ("It's a pen that's also a shoe!") and try to convince the panel as to why they should financially back their business.

Here's an example of what might happen on the show:

Guy walks in front of the panel, takes a pickle, and throws it against the wall. He then turns to Mark Cuban, raises his eyebrows and goes, "eh?"

MARK CUBAN:  All right, you threw a pickle, how's it gonna make me money?

CONTESTANT:  Pickle Darts.

FUBU GUY:  Pickle Darts?

CONTESTANT:  Pickle Darts.

QVC LADY:  I love it.

CONTESTANT:  Think about it, you're at a party, you're eating pickles, now you can also play darts.

MARK CUBAN:  Where you getting the pickles?

CONTESTANT:  I grow my own pickles.

MARK CUBAN:  What's it cost to grow 'em?

CONTESTANT:  Around a hundred bucks a barrel.

MARK CUBAN:  So the real cost is in the packaging.

CONTESTANT:  Exactly.

FUBU GUY:  Sorry, wait a minute. These are pickles? And you're throwing them against a wall?

CONTESTANT:  I'm seeking a $30 million dollar investment, so I can get Pickle Darts into every Dick's Sporting Goods store in the country.

MARK CUBAN:  What is so great about your pickles?

CONTESTANT:  Well, like I said, I grow each and every pickle by hand, so you're not gonna find better pickles.

MARK CUBAN:  Ummm, I own 47 pickle farms across the Southwestern United States. I think I know where I can find better pickles. I'm out.

FUBU GUY:  Why are you throwing pickles?

CONTESTANT:  Well you're also eating pickles.

QVC LADY:  I love eating pickles.

MARK CUBAN:  Me too. I might want back in.

QVC LADY:  This is a brilliant idea. I knew it from the moment you walked in here.

CONTESTANT:  Yeah. You get to throw pickles.

QVC LADY:  But you don't want these pickles in Dick's Sporting Goods. They'll sit on the shelf, the pickles will get old, people need to see them in use. On QVC, I can demonstrate the Pickle Darts, show off my manicured nails and make you a millionaire.

FUBU GUY:  Sorry, we're talking about pickles here, right?

QVC LADY:  I'll offer you $100,000, but I get 95% of the company.

CONTESTANT:  Ehhh, I dunno, I was kinda hoping to walk outta here still owning 51% of the company. I've had this idea since I was in middle school, and ...

QVC LADY:  Okayyyy, I'll offer you $40.

CONTESTANT:  Sold!

That's a pretty nice rug. 

MR. FROGGINGTON:  This show also has a great time slot -- 10pm on Friday nights -- perfect for people who love to wear sweatpants. Me myself personally, I've never worn sweatpants, but they seem pretty much like the ultimate pants.

19. Mad Men (AMC)

EVSTER:  This past seez was totally disappointing. Xtina Hendricks got pregnant and not one breastfeeding scene??? That's just wrong duck dong. 

MR. FROGGINGTON:  I'd like to take a moment to say that I think Sex and the City is far and away the worst television program everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

13. Louie (FX)

EVSTER:  Look, I love Louie, it's a great show, but for some reason I only saw around three episodes this past season. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  Okay, since the beginning of this post I've been getting a bunch of texts and emails from readers who seem to be a bit confused about who I am and what I'm doing here. So let me just clear up the confusion by saying that yes, I am a frog. That being said, I'm pretty sure that one of the frogs from that Bud Light commercial back in the day was named Louie, and I gotta be honest, I kinda liked that guy. I've never seen this Louie show, but if it's anything like those Bud Light commercials, I think I'd love it. I'm starving by the way. Anybody else hungry? Anyone wanna grab a burg or somethin' after this? I know this great place on Oregon Ave no I don't I'm a frog.

12. Inside the NBA (TNT)

EVSTER:  Bill Simmons claims that the addition of Shaq to TNT's halftime show has greatly hurt the program, but that guy doesn't know shit about shit. The other day Shaq was talking about how when Zach Randolph gets the ball in the deep post, "It's like barbecue chicken." I have no idea what that means, but I love him.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  Little known fact about when people eat barbecue chicken, it's VERY DISRESPECTFUL to chickens and the entire animal community. And you can run and tell THAT.

AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGG.

11. The Grammys (CBS)

EVSTER:  This year at the Grammys there was a DJ guy who wore a giant mouse hat. I love the Grammys and I love giant mouse hats.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  Chris Brown is the worst, even worse than this kid who once tried to throw a rock at me. That kid couldn't throw for shit. I bet Chris Brown can't throw for shit either, hence why he became a dancer as opposed to a point guard. And yes I realize that's racist but I'm a frog.

10. The Bachelor with Ben Flaj (ABC)

EVSTER:  Ben Flaj could've been the dumbest Bach of all time, choosing a woman who has more sexually transmitted diseases than most NBA point guards.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  IDEA FOR A TV SHOW: Sigourney Weaver and Charlie Villanueva fuck each other HARD.

Smoooooothhhh Operatorrrrrrrrrrrr.

I see you, Chuck!

EVSTER'S NOTE:  Everything you've read up to this point was written on a cold, rainy Wednesday night about a week and a half ago. Since that time, I've been on vacashe and have not worn pants. It is now, as I type this, December 30th, and I have exactly 36 hours to get this post online before 2013. Seems doable, right? Well, keep in mind that I'm about to sit down to watch nine hours of football and then my wife is making me watch the Downton Abbey season two finale. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to drive with my father to Brooklyn to see my new baby nephew who up to this point I haven't showed a lick of attention to because I'm a deadbeat uncle who watches way too much football and invites pretend-frogs to join him on collabo-blogposts. So the rest of this post will be written in rapid-fire-bam-boom-pow-style, and I'm sorry, I'm going to have to cut Mr. Froggington off. Thank you and have a blessed day.

9. Top Chef (Bravo)

EVSTER:  My friend Lip Balm used to work as a flattop cook at a diner in Atlanta, and he claims that the formula for making the ultimate grilled cheese is "Mo buttah, mo bettah." Well, the formula for the ultimate Top Chef seez is, "The more foreign people who speak broken English, the bettah." During the first episode of this latest season, the Belgian guy kept saying, "booyah." WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT? Also, that guy Stefan is the best!

MR. FROGGINGTON:  WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CUTTING ME OFF FROM THIS POST? YOU DON'T JUST INVITE SOMEONE TO COLLABO WITH YOU ON A BLOGPOST AND THEN CUT 'EM OFF. NO WONDER YOUR WIFE WON'T LET YOU GET A DOG. I AM A FROG.

8. The Mindy Proj (Fox)
and 7. Ben and Kate (Fox)

EVSTER:  Pretty sure I already blogged about these shows. I'm suddenly a little scared of Mr. Froggington.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  YOU SHOULD BE SCARED. I'M A STONE COLD KILLAH, ASK ABOUT ME. THAT BEING SAID, I'M KINDA DIGGIN' THIS RAPID FIRE BLOGGING. NEXT SHOW.

6. Tattoo Nightmares (Spike)

EVSTER:  Obviously this is not the #6 best show of 2012, but my wife and I got zorped into a Tattoo Nightmares marathon the other day and it was amazinggggggggg. Basically the show is just like that other tattoo show, but the customers stroll in with REALLY DUMB tattoos and the tattoo artists attempt to cover them up with BONKERS ones. My father has been saying for years that tattoo coverups and removals are the wave of the future, but he also claims that sporks will become "Utopia's Utensil."

MR. FROGGINGTON:  I'm sorry I yelled before, Evster. I'm a frog. I don't often collaborate with humans on blogposts, let alone do anything besides sit on rocks, and I have trouble controlling my emotions. It's also really cold outside these days and I think I might be dying.

She's no Sigourney.

5. The Bachelorette with Emily (ABC)

EVSTER: THE NEW BACH STARTS ON MONDAYYYYYYYYYYY.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  I CAN FEEL MY INNARDS FREEZINGGGGGGGGGG.

4. Hurricane Sandy (The Weather Channel)

EVSTER:  Probably the most riveting 48 hours of television I've ever watched -- not because of the constant updates, but because I felt like at any moment we could've lost power and not been able to watch TV. I'd say our lights flickered around 15 times during that storm and stayed on the entire time yay-ee-yayeee! Long Island can suck my crankkkkk.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  Hurricane Sandy was really scary. I lost many loved ones.

This is Probably a Good Spot for Shows My Wife and I Don't Actually Watch 

I'm sure that Homelambs, Breaking Bad, Dorxter, Boardwalk Empire, Nurse Janet, and all those other shows that white people talk about should be ranked somewhere on this list, but my wife doesn't watch them. Also, my wife fucking LOVVVVEEESSSS Downton Abbey so expect a blogpost about that snooze-a-thon of a show (JK, honey! I love it!) at some point/never. For real doe, Downton Abbs is a FREAKING ROLLER COASTER.


3. Game of Frones (HBO)

EVSTER:  This past season was totally bonkers although I was a little disappointed that they didn't bring back that crazy lady who still breast-feeds her kid. He was a WEIRDO. She had potensh to be the freakiest lady in the history of ladies and I hope to see her again at some point. Also, if there are any new mothers or soon-to-be-new-mothers out there who have any questions about b-feeding your recently born or soon-to-be-born child, please don't hesitate to email any questions to tvmywifewatches@gmail.com.

MR. FROGGINGTON:  B-feeding is a very beautiful and natural experience for mothers and children to share, so here's a cheat sheet provided by some friends of mine at Green Frog Child Care: http://www.greenfrogchildcare.com/breastfeeding.pdf 


It's very natural!

I just realized that I totally forgot about Parks and Rec!!!

Also 3. Parks and Rec (NBC)

EVSTER:  I need to end this blogpost! My dinner just arrived! We got mozzarella sticks!

MR. FROGGINGTON:  Next show!

2. Girls (HBO)

EVSTER:  If I like this show enough to rank it #2 as a heterosexual married male who may or may not be a homosexual, imagine how much I'd like this show if I was a woman!!!

MR. FROGGINGTON:  We're almost done!

And nowwwwwwwwwwwww, the #1 show of 2012!!!

1. Antiques Roadshow (PBS)

EVSTER:  LOVE ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

MR. FROGGINGTON:  Never seen itttttttttttttttttttt!!!

RIP Orville Redenbachs!


Thanks to everyone for reading the Absolute Dumbest Blog-Blog on the Planet during 2012. I really appreciate it. And please know that I'm still planning on announcing the winners from this past summer's TVMWW Art Contest Sponsored by Sal's Automotive at some point during the next decade. I will also be announcing the TVMWW Reader and Commenter of the Year Awards very soon and look for a BACHELOR PREVIEW COMING THIS WEEK / BEFORE MONDAY / MOST LIKELY SOMETIME IN EARLY SEPTEMBER. 

Happy New Year, Happy Whatever, new moms seriously don't hesitate to reach out, b-feeding is a wonderful and natural experience to be shared with others.

Here's another frog.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Martine McCutcheon aka Hugh Grant's Jawn from Love Actually

She's covering up her chest because
sometimes guys stare at women's bam-bams.

The most mind-boggling thing about Love Actually (beyond the fact that Liam Neeson's son learned to play the drums in just two short weeks, who is he Yo-Yo-Ma Jr???) is that I haven't seen the chick who plays Hugh Grant's assistant in one movie since!!!

If there's one thing TVMWW is all about (besides poetry), it's getting to the bottom of why Hollywood has neglected us from seeing this lady's yams over and over and over again. So let's take a trip across the pond and get to know the Dutchess of Yammington, Martine McCutcheon.


If you do a Google image search for Martine, you'll find some absolutely BONKERS pics. This one here is pretty tame compared to some of the total bingbongers that I found, including this one* that shows her actual yom-yoms. (*NSFW-alert! Actual yom-yoms!) Also, what kinda move is Martine doing up there? She's not even pulling her shirt down, I think she's just pulling it off to the side. Is she showing off her sternum? I think she's just showing off her sternum. She actually has a really nice sternum.


Turns out, Martine is a fairly successful pop star in the UK. She has put out a bunch of albums, and was recently on a TV show called Echo Beach where I'm guessing she spent every show running barefoot in the sand -- or at least that's what I'm hoping she did, because I just bought the entire first seez on Amazon.co.uk. How much is £399.99? I don't think the above picture has anything to do with the show, nor is it an album cover, I think it's just one of those weird screensavers that one of her crazy fans created once upon a time.

I made one of those once, too.

Here's mine:



It's honestly not that big of a deal!



When you're a big deal in the UK, they ask you to go on shows like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? to win money for charity, which is fine, because when you're a star helping out others who are not as privileged as you is part of the deal, but c'monnnnnnnnn, that's a really hard question, c'monnnn!

I'd go with Shangai for the rec.

Answer coming later in the post!



This is Martine's HUSBAND who is an ACTUAL PERSON.

Between his kinky 'fro, a minimal amount of chest hair, and the (LOOK FOR IT, LOOOOOKKKKK FOORRRRRR ITTTTTTTT) really dumb red string bracelet on his left wrist, I totally hate his guts.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, what is wrong with me? Why would I hate his guts? Just because he wears a dumb bracelet? Well yes, but he could be a perfectly nice guy. And he has a name, y'know, it's Jack McManus, and he too is a British pop star, and ...



OH DEAR GOD HE CAN'T EVEN SWIM.

THIS MAN IS DROWNING, SOMEONE HELP HIM.

ARE BUBBLES COMING OUT OF HIS NECK?!

COLOR ME BADD AT SWIMMING AMIRITEGUYZ?



PHOTOGRAPHER:  Yeah, for Jack's next album cover, we were thinkin' of maybe headin' over to a local school and takin' a few pics in front of a blackboard.

JACK'S MANAGER:  Yeah that sounds great, brilliant, yeah, and maybe he could wear one of those Hypercolor shirts?

PHOTOGRAPHER:  Yeah yeah yeah! And then we could douse him in water and make him look all sweaty.

JACK'S MANAGER:  Brilliant, yeah, as if he was just singing songs and sweating all over the place.

PHOTOGRAPHER:  I love a good sweat-shot.

JACK'S MANAGER:  Me too. When a man's skin is glistening ...

PHOTOGRAPHER:  And his nips are rock hard ...

JACK'S MANAGER:  That's a really nice zoom lens on your camera ...

PHOTOGRAPHER:  It's a 17-incher ...




Speaking of sweat-shots, how 'bout that sternum!

And I sort of like that she has misshapen titties.

Could be the hottest pic in the history of pics.



Orrrrrrrrrrr, this one is.

I labeled this pic HotFeet.jpg in my "Martine" folder.

I HAVE PROBLEMS, OKAY???

IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL, GET OVER IT.


I imagine the glossy pics in the middle of this book are unstoppable.

And what kind of blouse is that?

Is she wearing a sternum protector?



Well that's certainly something.






My weef and I watched a really good documentary on PBS last week about the making of the Beatles Yellow Submarine movie. It should still be in PBS's rotashe, so look for it. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture of a cat wearing a tie. Oh, and yeah, the answer to that dumb Millionaire question from before was totally Shanghizzai

Monday, December 17, 2012

Bachelorette Wedding: An Absolutely Disgusting, Barf-filled Evening of Love

STOP SMILING AT ME!

Around 35 minutes into last night's Bachelorette Barf-o-rama, my worf explained to me that she'd had enough.

MY WORF:  Nope, can't do it, Ev. I'm changing the channel.

EVSTER:  C'mon Darrie, fight through it.

MY WORF:  Dude, this is a total snoozefest. I can't take it anymore.

EVSTER:  Darrie, it has to get better. It has to. Look, there's the tattooed lady.

MY WORF:  I'm changing the channel!

EVSTER:  But I have a blog to maintain!

MY WORF:  THIS IS DOGSHIT, DUDE!

EVSTER:  I HAVE A BLOG TO MAINTAIN!!!

MY WORF:  YOUR BLOG IS CALLED "TV YOUR WIFE WATCHES!" "TV YOUR WIIIIIFFFFFEEEE WATCHES!"

EVSTER:  THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT, LADY! THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT!

MY WORF:  IT WOULDN'T BE TRUE TO THE BLOG GAME IF YOU DIDN'T LET ME CHANGE THE CHANNY!

EVSTER:  THAT'S A VERY GOOD POINT, ALSO!

MY WORF:  I'M CHANGIN' THE CHANNY!!!

EVSTER:  CHANGE THE CHANNYYYY!!!

MY WORF:  I'M CHANGIN' THE CHANNNNNYYYYYY!!!

And so she changed the channy, over to Real Housewives of Atlanta, just in time to see one lady grind her butt into another lady's husband's dork. Then, a different lady tried to choke that lady. It was riveting. But then RHOA ended, and we changed it back to Barfapalooza, and continued to barf all over the place all night long.

I would pay top dollar to have this woman beat the shit outta me. 

I don't know why I was so excited to watch Barftron 4000 in the first place. I guess the fact that it had the word "Bachelorette" in the title duped me into thinking it'd be good, but it wasn't, it was friggin' disgusting. It was friggin' disgustinggggggg! There's really nothing more vile than watching two people in love ... kissing, holding hands, SMILING ... did you see the way they're constantly SMILING at each other???

Look, I don't have any problem with love, I really don't. Love is lovely. I'm been in love with the same woman for over 15 years (Mariah). I'm kidding, Darrie! Mariah, if you're reading this, I was just kidding about kidding. Oh my God, Dar! I was just kidding about kidding about kidding! And I'm fine with watching people jam their tongues down each other's throats, but not when they're in love. No one wants to see that. In the privacy of your own bedroom, sure, you can do all types of jam-jobs. Or in bathroom stalls. Or on a rock on the shores of the Norwegian Sea while you were on vacation this past summer. All perfectly acceptable places for jam-jobs. But not on national television, not when you actually like the person.

Even when the lovebirds weren't making out last night, this show was totally lame. During his bachelor party (aka the most boring bachelor party of all time), J.P. admitted that, "I miss Ashley anytime I'm not with her," WHICH IS FRIGGIN' DISGUSTING. Then later, he actually met up with her (on the night of his bach party!) TO GO ICE SKATING!!!

ICE SKATINGGGGG!!!

Let me just say that again for those of you who feel like I use ALL CAPS a little too much and thus have lost the effect of ALL CAPS whenever I use ALL CAPS.

The dude ... during the middle of his bachelor party ... met up with HIS FUTURE WIFE ... the woman he'd have to spend the rest of his life with ... TO GO ICE SKATINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

He even laced up her skates for her!!!

I understand that strip clubs aren't for everyone, but c'mon ...

That's DISGUSTING!!!

That dog has no idea where the camera is!

On the night of my bachelor party (and for all intents and purposes I'm a pretty laid back dude who's not nearly as disgusting as his online persona would lead you to believe), I pretended that I got no cellphone service at the Pumptown Tavern and ended up getting my ass BLASTED by a couple strippers who were MUCH stronger than they looked. Later, I got three straight lap dances from a really sweaty woman who may or may not have even worked at the club.

My buddy Wormz -- a father of two who looks like a very clean-cut dude, but is really a sick, sick, sick bastard -- has this move where if a stripper is giving him a lap dance and is doing all those silly backflips and hanging on his shoulders and jumping off him like Greg Louganis, you know, the stuff that no dude ever wants them to do (we just want them to grind up against our yimmers, that's basically it) he says to her, "Hold up lady, I'm not into any of that. Could you just ..." and the stripper will normally cut him off and say, "Yo! Don't tell me how to do my job," and Wormz shuts the fruck up. Then, after the lady is finished dancing and has pretty much put both of her shoes back on, Wormz pulls out a 50 dollar bill, holds it up and goes:

"Hold on. I'm not done, I want another."

And then the stripper walks over to him and he holds the money in front of her face and says:

"But this time (pause), I make the rules."

WHAT A SICK BASTARD!!!

Honestly, nothing else worth discussing happened during last night's two-hour slumber party. During the ceremony, there was a quick pan to Ames who was in attendance, but he didn't get any speaking lines. UNACCEPTABLE. In fact, that dude Craig R. from around ten seasons ago got more airtime than Ames. (In other news, I have another friend who is a total, total, total scumbag and claims to have done massive amounts of cocaine with Craig R. Not really the most interesting tidbit, but I felt like it was worth sharing.) Also, Chris Harrison has a new hairstyle -- a modified schwee-schwoop -- that is much, much, much better than that stupid push-down flap-up crockpot style that he's been rockin' since 19 ought 6.

Bottom line, this show gets a rating of three dog balls out of four. It also caused my wife and I to get into a mini-argument over the fact I "rarely/never" open-mouth kiss her in public.





Dogs, the actual Bach starts on Monday, January 7th -- which just so happens to be the SAME NIGHT as the BCS Championship Game!!! UNACCEPTABLE AGAIN, ABC. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Oh, c'mon, we all know what I'm gonna do. You know what you should do right now? You should check out this dude @Love_that_Goku on Twitter. I don't really ever know what he's talking about, but I think he's brilliant. So follow him. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, buy your wife Dog-of-the-Day calendar, already!!! What are you waiting for, dummy?!?!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

12/12/12 Concert for Sandy Duncan

Nice jackknife!

Evster's note: I haven't posted anything in a while due to a variety of reasons, (Oh, who gives a shit, Ev, just get to the damn post). But I felt the need to get some new content up on this garbage dump of a blog, so I threw this jawn together this morning. Have fun skimming through it and looking at the pictures. I appreciate each and every one of you (mostly my Twitter followers, though). God bless you, God bless clementines, and God bless the United States of Clementines.

How did we ever watch television before Twitter? I guess we just talked to whoever was next to us on the couch (borrrriiinnnggggggg), but now with Twitts, it's like having 30 of your best friends right in your living room -- and also The Iron Sheik and Kim Kardash and some stranger from Indiana who you follow because he once tweeted something funny during Too Cute: Kittens! Everyone throws out JOKES and tries really hard to be clever and now that I'm thinking about it, it's probably the worst way to live your life, ever. I think I hate Twitter. That being said, I love Twitter. DID YOU HEAR THE PART WHEN I SAID IRON SHEIK. Frankly, I have no idea how I feel about it, but just know that in the time it took me to type this paragraph I checked my Twitter timeline 343 times. Some guy just ate a bagel!

Last night the Twitterworld was going bonks over the 12/12/12 concert for Sandy Relief, which I didn't even know was a thing until I logged onto Twitter to tell the world that I was thinking about eating a bagel. In case you still haven't heard about the concert, it was essentially a bunch of white people getting together and playing songs for other white people. It was mildly entertaining -- very similar to this blog, actually -- so please allow me to elaborate on some of the night's highlights / talk isht on famous people because I'm a sad, lonely, pathetic person.

Forget about the sweaty nips, how 'bout the Battle of the Bulge?

I tuned in just as The Who took the stage and was blown away by how much Roger Dalts looks like Mr. Vanderpumps.

Drawstring hanging out his trunks like my man Michael Cooper.

Obviously Twitter started going bonks ... "Play Baba O'Nips!" ... "He's a Nipball Wizard!" ... "Something about bagel nips!"

I was totally fine with Roger Dalts bippin and nippin (that's not a thing), but my wife on the other hand, she got upset.

MY WEEF:  Look, I know you say I think about this stuff too much, but if this were a 65-year-old chick showing off her old-ass nips, people would NOT be okay with it.

ME:  I would be. But you're right, Dar, you're totally right. And I love you. What are the chances you'll let me spread cream cheese all over your nips?

MY WEEF:  I hate you.

ME:  Not an answer!






After they wiped Roger Dalts's nips from the stage, Alicia Keys got up there and told everyone to put their cellphones in the air, which apparently is something that people say and do these days.

Probably the most boring picture in TVMWW history.


Alicia went on to sing that song "No one, no one, no wuh-uh-uh-uhnnnnnnnn ..." a song that I once totally butchered at karaoke (sad for me). The only reason I picked the song (besides the fact that it's THE TOTAL BRONTOSAURUS MEGA JAM) was to do the part at the end where she yells "oh!" and then the crowd yells "oh!" and then she yells "oh!" again and then they yell "oh!" again and then everyone start's oh'ing and thank you to that one dude at karaoke who actually knew the oh part and joined me for what was probably the greatest 11 seconds of my life.

Oh, who cares.

Later in the evening, Kanye West did some stuff while wearing a leather kilt. I thought this was by far the best part of the show, but that could've been due to the fact that he came on just as my wife went to bed, which allowed me to open the floodgates on Twitter. The next three hours were spent exclusively looking down at my phone. I don't think I actually saw any more of the concert.

Then again, I also didn't get yelled at for not paying attention to the woman who I love more than anything in this world.






At around 11:30pm, Billy Joel (pronounced "Jo-ell" by my mother) took the crowd on a quick trip to Snoozeville, singing a couple songs off his Greatest Snoozers album, while going on a mini-rant about how tough people from Long Island are.

If you've ever met anyone from Long Island, then you know that they are:

a) not tough
b) Jewish
c) THE ABSOLUTE WORST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET

I got my first taste of Long Islanders as a freshman at the University of Maryland (aka Dickbag U) when me and this dude from my dorm were walking on campus and he bumped into this chick that he knew from Long Island and kissed her on the cheek. They talked for a bit ... "Blah blah blah, I chug cock." ... "So do I!" ... then said goodbye with another kiss on the cheek.

ME:  So is that your girlfriend?

DUDE FROM LONG ISLAND:  Nawww.

ME:  Your cousin?

DUDE FROM LONG ISLAND:  Nah yo, just some chick from Syosset that I met the other day.

ME:  HEAD EXPLODING IN 4 BILLION PIECES 

Apparently, people from Long Isle just kiss everyone on the cheek. EVERYONE. It's insane. At first, I thought it was amazing, and started kissing absolutely every chick I met on the cheek. I'd walk into peoples' dorm rooms, "Hey, I'm the Evster. Mwah!" ... at the dining hall, "Excuse me, just wanna grab a grilled cheese, mwah," ... staring in the mirror, crying after not being invited to a party, "You're such a LOSER. You're such a sorry piece of mwah, oh, mwah, you're so vulnerable though, mwah, mwah, nobody understands you, mwahhhh, uh, uh, lllliiihhhh," (that's me licking the mirror). It got to the point where I had to calm the freak down, because I had developed a reputation as the guy on campus who was known for the cheek-kiss / hair-smell combo. (There was also a little problem with the Battle of the Bulge.) Eventually, when I realized that most people from Long Island actually suck (and that I was celibate), I boycotted the cheek-kiss and now pretty much exclusively hug (and smell) women when greeting them.

The main draw of the evening occurred at around the 1am mark when Paul McCarts filled in for Kurt Cobain and sang with Nirvana. They sang one song (which was pretty exciting) and then I went to sleeps. I think they probably sang more songs after that, but I'm 35-years-old goddammit, and I can't be staying up that late.

My man @glowacki19 on the other hand, he stayed up til the very end. Dude was rockin' out in his man cave.

That yellow thing in the far back corner shoots out little wiffle balls
and I once blasted one right into a picture of my buddy's 3-year-old son.







I can't believe how close we are to LES MIS COMING OUT IN THE THEATRE -- OH MY GOD I JUST ADMITTED THAT AGAIN ON THE INTERNET. Are you gonna see it? Be honest. It looks amazingggggggggggggggg. You should see it. Or you should read this Onion article "by" Bruce Springsteen about New Jerz. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this really dumb movie poster that my man @Kunk7 made.   

Friday, December 7, 2012

Holiday Present for Your Wife: Cat of the Day Calendar

CAT

Look, any knucklehead can go out and get his wife an awesome present like some chop sticks or a log flume or something, but it's the truly thoughtful gifts that hit home the hardest. That's why every year for Hannukah I get my wife a Cat-of-the-Day calendar, because she loves cats and I like sleeping indoors. It's honestly a fantastic calendar and if your wife loves animals and doesn't appreciate when you spend six months building a 45-foot log flume in your backyard that only adds minimal costs to your water bill, then you should get her one.

Let me explain.

There are two types of people in this world: those who stay up-to-date with their page-a-day calendars, and those who have been staring at the same Jeopardy trivia question since March 14th. There are also those who are starving in Africa and wash their faces in a bucket of mud every morning and wouldn't know what to do with a Far Side calendar if you gave 'em one, in fact they'd probably try to eat it, but for the sake of this blogpost (and to stay consistent with everybody else in the world) let's just ignore them and focus on the first two. Throughout my entire life, I have used page-a-day calendars exclusively as notepads. Sure, I had good intentions (this is the year I make it to June! and also floss! and also stop calling my mother whenever I hear that Aaron Neville song "I don't knowwwww much, but I know I love youuuuuuuuu"), but never stayed consistent. My wife shared the same problem, even struggling to get through the very thoughtful NY Knicks Trivia page-a-day'er I got her in 2007. But in 2011 (the year of the Scone), our lives would change forever ... I got my wife a Cat-of-the-Day calendar and together, we flipped that jawn EVERY COT DAMN DAY.

GAME CHANGER

What an accomplishment for a young couple just starting off!

Yeah, some newlyweds make babies (borrrrriiiinnggggggggg ... and I'm impotenttttttttttttttt) or open 401K plans, but how many people get to meet a different cat EVERY COT DAMN DAY?!?!

(The answer is probably thousands because this calendar is very popular and lots of people are able to flip one page every day without much fanfare or writing a 1,000-word blog-blogpost about it.)

BUT HERE'S THE THING ... I DON'T EVEN LIKE CATS.

That's not true, I love all animals.

BUT HERE'S ANOTHER THING ... I DON'T EVEN LIKE CARTS.

Yo, no joke, that's the worst fucking cart ever. 

I know what you're thinking, "Page-a-Day calendars can suck my butttttttttttttttt," and "I can't be flipping pages EVERY COT DAMN DAYYYY," and "I'm ready to start skimming this post and just looking at the picturesssssssss," but Cat-of-the-Day is DIFFERENT, because their photos are glossssssssyyyyyy and it will help you learn a little something called responsibilityyyyyyyyyy.

Responsibility is very important in this world, especially if your wife wants to own a real pet or human. Just tell her that if she passes the test of flipping 365 pages for 365 consecutive days, you will think about getting / giving her one of those ... and also taking down the log flume that you've worked VERY hard building.


Just to the left of Cat, yeah, that's my blood pressure medicashe.

On weekends there's a Cat-of-Two-Days who is responsible for holding it down for 48 straight hours -- a lot to ask of a cat!

Luckily, these cats are up to the challenge, because Cat-of-Two-Days are total renegades.

That guy's a total renegade!

Last year, we kicked it up a notch by adding Dog-of-the-Day into the mix -- and placed him directly across the counter from Cat-of-the-Day.


DOG

My wife was NOT HAPPY.


This guy would friggin' LOVE a log flume, amirite, Kunker?!

Don't get me wrong, my wife likes dogs, but Dog-of-the-Day tends to be a little more artsy than Cat-of-the-Day and you din't hear it from me, but they kinda try to steal Cat's thunder. Sometimes there are pictures of just a dog's foot or his shadow or his nose sniffing outside of a window or something.


What's that, a Cutlass?

Luckily, both Cat-of-the-Day and Dog-of-the-Day and Cat-of-Two-Days and Dog-of-Two-Days have gotten along famously in our kitchen and we are now about to embark on our third consecutive year of finishing page-a-day-calendars and that's seriously a pretty amazing accomplishment and I can't believe I wrote a whole blog-blogpost about this.

CONCLUSION, you should get your wife these calendars and start to act responsibly for once in your COT DAMN life!

Doesn't seem like much, but let me reiterate, GAME CHANGER. She will LOVE IT and she will LOVE YOU and you will not have to EVER pick an animal's shit out of a litter box or off your neighbor's lawn. Also, when you come downstairs every morning and flip a page and there's a brand new cat and dog EVERY COT DAMN OKAY EV WE GET IT, it makes you feel like you're really doing something in this world.

You gotta wonder when they're gonna make a Polar-Bear-of-the-Day jawn!!!

And yes I'm aware that these are just glossy pieces of paper!!!

I'm allergic to actual furry things and that's sad for me!!!




My wife actually had to give up her two cats, Elliot and Jelly, when we moved in together. SAD FOR HER. I feel terrible about it EVERY COT DAMN ... In other news, she's making potato latkes for dinner tonight so BING AND BONG. Speaking of bing bongs, this is the absolute dumbest twitter account ever, but I kind of love it ... it's the Big Ben Clock and it just bongs every hour, check it out. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out Ben Savage about to make out hardcore with Topango. (That show Boy Meets Butt is apparently coming back by the way. I've actually never seen it, but Topangles has some major bing bongs.)

Thursday, December 6, 2012

TVMWW T-Shirts - a Perfect Holiday Gift for Someone You Sorta Care About who Also Likes Television

Wrinkles included!

Bing and bong!

Get your official TV My Wife Watches t-shirts pronto! (that's Spanish for "flonto!")

There's all sorts of shirts: large ones, small ones, other sized ones, even small ones! Check it out and buy one today! ... (you can't actually buy one today) ... so buy one some other day!



Each t-shirt comes hand drawn by yours truly, so they're truly one-of-a-kind, truly! lol smdh brb!

I'm back!

YOU CAN BE THE ONLY ONE ON YOUR BLOCK WITH A SHITTY HAND DRAWN T-SHIRT! ... Unless you live on one of those blocks where little kids are constantly making their own t-shirts ... THEN YOU CAN BE THE ONLY ONE ON YOUR BLOCK WHO KILLS A CHILD!


These are the markers I use. They're not bad!



Each TVMWW t-shirt also comes with a special, personalized message on the sleeve (or anywhere else I wanna put it). This shirt was made for @AngieFenton who's from Louisville, Kentucky (yeah, people actually live there!). Angie won TVMWW's first t-shirt giveaway contest on Twitter last month. "Never Nervous" is a reference to Never Nervous Pervis Ellison who led the Louisville Cardinals to the 1986 NCAA national championship. I'm not sure if Angie knows this -- and I don't care! I also think she stopped following me on Twitter! So I really don't care!


This is Pervis.



This shirt was made for my friend Louize. One day when my friends and I went out orienteering (that's a thing), I told everyone that the first person who spotted a woodchuck would get a free TVMWW t-shirt.



That's blood on the remote.


The sleeve says @MrsHart06, Louize's Twitter handle.



If blood dripping doesn't get you into the shopping spirit, check out this holiday display in the lobby of my office.

"Hey boss, where you want this miniature Jewish candle thing?" ... "I don't care, stick it on that box next to the enormous tree. And drape a towel over the box."



This jawn was made for Louize's husband, Hart. The two of them live in Belmont Hills, PA -- actually a place! 


Extra wrinkles for Hart!



The back!  


And if tshirts aren't your thing, get yourself an I'm Sergio VIP Discount Card from my buddy Serge's men's hair salon.

He gave me this VIP card when I got a cut -- but also told me not to tell anyone when he gave it to me. 

LAST, BUT CERTAINLY, CERTAINLY NOT LEAST -- MY FATHER ALSO MAKES T-SHIRTS

My father is ALSO in the tshirt biz. His whole schtick is that he will make you ANY t-shirt you want. Literally, he'll make you ANY t-shirt. For example, if you want a t-shirt with a picture of a baby that says "I love eating lettuce!" he'll make that for ya. I'm telling you, ANY shirt.

If you don't have an idea for a shirt of your own, my dad also sells ones that he's made, like these:


And my personal favourite:



So I guess you're holiday shopping is done-zo!

No need to thank me, just buy some shit when I actually figure out how to work paypal!

If you're interested in buying one, email me or leave a comment and we'll figure this isht out! I think I'm gonna charge 15 bones for these ... and I'm gonna make other ones ... like maybe a baby that loves eating lettuce.

This is a terrible marketing plan!

Happy Frogbutt!