Friday, November 30, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Vanna White

Peep the seashell earring in Vanna's right ear.
Might be a clam. Probably a clam. 

If you're not on Twitter, then you missed out my 30 Wifeys in 30 Days series where I posted a pic of a different wifey every day during Novembs. Notable wives included Gina from Martin, the cast from It's a Living and blah blah blah, who gives a shit, right, I posted some stupid pics, people looked at them, some people probably jerked off, it's the internet, get over yourself. But this morning, THIS MORNING, for the #30for30 Grand Finale, I found this gem from 1980: a 23 year-old Vanna Wheezy as a contestant on the Price is Right!

#GETSERIOUS

Clearly this is an amazing picture for many, many, many reasons.

1. Get Serious.
2. Your boy in the lower lefthand corn poppin' collars like his name was Lisa Vanderpumps -- with a chest as smooth as buttermilk pie (that's not a thing).
3. Vanna's titty-tangs!

But what was Vanna really trying to say with her "Get Serious" tshirt? Was she being sarcastic? Like, "Get serious, dude. There's no way I'm going out with you. Unless you pop that collar and sandpaper your chest." Or was she getting serious and being dead serious? "Yo, I'm on the muhfuhggin Price is Reezy. Let's GET SERIOUS and GET THAT PAYPAH! This isn't a game. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING GAME! Yay-ee, yay-eeeeee!!! I got me some titty-tangs and I ain't afraid to use 'em/buttermilk bruise 'em." (no idea, absolutely no idea what I'm talking about). Or was "Get Serious" just a dumb catchphrase that was popular back in 1980?

Obviously, I needed to do some research.

Nothin' says you're ready to get sers like the motherfucking PACIFIC OCEAN.

In 1980, Jermaine Jax's album "Let's Get Serious" ROCKETED up the charts to number six in the top One Hundj (not baaad, JJ, not baaaaaaaddd). The title track on the alb was written by Stevie Wonds (which probably explains why it was JJ's biggest hit) -- and it should also be reiterated that Stevie Wonder is friggin blind and he still wrote hit songs and he ate cheeseburgers and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?!?!

When you take a closer look at the lyrics of "Let's Get Serious," everything kinda starts to come together. The song starts off with this:

Close my eyes and I see your face at night.
Toss and turn, fall asleep, holding my pillow tight.
All the time I think of you
You're with me no matter what I do.

Dude's humpin' his pillow.

DUDE IS HUMPING HIS PILLOW.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I longggggggggg for the days when I used to hump my pillow (and ladies, let it be known, most dudes used to hump their pillows). Yes, by the time you've reached your late teens / mid 30's you've switched over to the traditional jerk-it and twerk-it method, but prior to that (when you're still figuring out how to use your dork), dudes dry hump everything. Your pillow, your comforter -- my friend Rice Daddy once told us that he fucked his boxspring. Dude fucked his boxspring! To this day, I have no idea what he was talking about. I think he took his bed and somehow created some sort of ultra-supersonic-pillow-cushion-system between his mattress and boxspring, but no one really knows for sure. What we do know is that Rice Dad is a SICK PERSON and VERY, VERY, VERY INNOVATIVE.

Batting glove on the top hand?
SO SERIOUS.

Bake McBreezy was killin 'em in 1980!

I on the other hand was only 3 years old and was still trying to figure out how to use my 3-year-old dork (which was friggin' dynamite by the way). I don't know if I was humping anything yet (I was probably humping stuff), but I know for sure that was pissing alllllllllll over toilet seats everywhere and was DEAD serious about it.

These days, "Get Serious" has a whole different meaning. For examp, there's a "Get Serious!" pet stain remover product:

There's so many words on those bottles! 

And then there's this dicknose:

He could be a perfectly nice human being. I'm sorry.

The bottom line is, Vanna had it goin' onnnnnnn in 1980 ... but it's not 1980 anymore. It's Two Thousand Something -- and it's time to Get Cereal about your health.


It's honestly not terrible.

Cracklin' Oat Briz is filled with all kinds of nutrients that you need when you're in your thirties, like bran, and oats, and it pretty much just has those two things, but you need those two things! So go get yourself some Cracklin' Oat Bran at an oat bran provider near you.

Tell 'em the Evster sent ya.











There was really no reason to put that Cam'Ron jawn up there, I just heard it the other day and it's prolly the greatest song ever. So check it out. Or you could always follow me on Twitter so you don't have to miss out on all types of ill isht. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out Cam Newts and his fiancee

7 comments:

  1. You spent absolutely no time talking about Vanna. She was in playboy. You could have at least put one of those pics up, but instead you posted a pic of some dude who spells his name wrong. Vanna is a knitting and crochet enthusiast. She has her own line of fucking yarn. It's totally true - I read that shit on the internet, and you can't put anything on the internet that isn't true. Get serious, man.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Look Raymonds (if that is your real name, and if it is that's friggin incredible and you should start a podcast), of course I could post pics of Vanna in PBoy. And I could post pics of Xtina Hendricks and Charlotte Rae and all the other hotties from the world of televisions, but this blog isn't just about television and it's not just about titties, IT'S ABOUT TAKING CONTROL OF YOUR PROSTATE AND INCORPORATING MORE BRAN (AND OATS, DON'T FORGET ABOUT OATS) INTO YOUR DIET.

      Raymonb, you're not 23 anymore (maybe you are 23, I have no idea, and I appreciate you reading), but you need to start THINKING about the future!

      LISTEN TO JERMAINE JAX.

      LISTEN TO VANNY.

      When I say GET, you say SERIOUS!

      GET! ...

      _______ !

      GET! ...

      _______ !

      GET! ...

      SEERBIDUMS!

      Delete
    2. Didn't Woody Allen tell Diane Keaton to get serious in one of those Woody Allen and Diane Keaton movies and Diane Keaton told Woody Allen that it was a very "in" thing to say? Why can't Google answer this question for me?

      Also, apparently, according to this photographer I recently was near, when you yell "Dip Set" very loudly as someone is taking your picture you look somewhat better in the picture than if you hadn't yelled it. So there's that too.

      Delete
    3. Pretty much the comment I'd expect from a person at 12:30am.

      Dippppp settttttt

      Delete
  2. Is this my favorite post in TVMWW history? MAYBE. Am I thinking about buying a new suit w/ suspenders? Already at Strawberries, bizzes. Do I enjoy a self interview? GET SERIOUS.

    In conclusion, I want to go skin to skin with 1980 Vanna Wheezy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Favourite post??? Kunkles, you've only been reading this isn't for a month! Wait til you take a ride on the S.S. TVMWW during Bach seez.

      Also, are you forgetting about a little something called AIR DOG???

      C'mon, rookie!

      (thx for reading I sers appreciate your devotion and friendship let's fuck.)

      Delete
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