![]() |
It even has a juice bar! |
When I first got into the TV blog
game, people were like, "Yo Evster, you can't set up TVMWW
headquarters in Philly, you gotta come to Hollywood, baby!" and I was
like, "Dude, I have a wife and a house." and they were like, "Cocaine!" and I was like,
"What?" and they were like, "I just saw Punky Brewster
eating a taco!" and I was like, "You're not even real. I just
made you up for this blog intro." and they were like, "That lady
loves tacos!" and I was like, "I love tacos." and
they were like, "She's got the biggest tits!" and I was like,
"SOLD!"
But alas, I never made it out to
"The City by the Bay," so instead I've invited my good friend (never met her) @SaraCircle –
born and bred in Los Angeles – to join us as TVMWW's official
Hollywood Correspondent in Charge of Telling us About Famous People Eating
Tacos.
Sara, my reader(s) are dying to know:
What makes you so qualified for this position? Have you ever actually seen a
celeb eating a taco? And if so, how big were her tits? I'm sorry, this is no
way to conduct an interview. Were they huge? Be honest. I'm sorry again. Feel
free to answer any or none of those questions. And thank you for being my Internet
friend. I'm so lonely. (Seriously, how big? And did you take any
pics? Please send, thx.)
![]() |
Wow, that's a BIG TACO that is in no-way photoshopped because sometimes they come that big just go with it okay. |
SARA CIRCS: First of all, WHOA WHOA WHOA with the tits talk. Some people around here still like to pretend there are ladies present.
Second of all, I am pretty much as
qualified for this position as anyone else who was born and raised and
currently lives in LA, with one additional special quality that makes me stand
out: I commented on your blog. I think that's really what gave me that little
bit of extra razzmatazz you were looking for in your Correspondent in
the City of Famous Tinseltown People and Moviemaking – and I am ready to
live up to the razzmatazz promise!
Okay, so I am trying desperately not
to make this about me having seen/known a bunch of celebs since I am now
discovering how simultaneously braggy AND pathetic that sounds. That said, I
have seen and known a veritable lot of them! It's 102% as good as being one.
Examples: I went to high school with Jason Segel, the Gyllenhaals, and this lady. Also, Jessica Alba's husband was my first boyfriend (6th
grade), and Simon Cowell helped me write my haftorah portion (no)!
Little story that's kind of (but kind
of not) about Ms. Moon Frye, since you mention her. It has been said that
I actually bear some (FACIAL) resemblance to her. In fact, I was once at a
holiday party talking to ***DAVID "BUD BUNDY"
FAUSTINO*** (ALERT: "***" indicates amazing story about
Hollywood person that could only be told by Tinseltown local) and he said to
me, "You remind me of my friend SOLEIL(!!!)." BOOM. Bet none of your
other "readers" could deliver a story with that kind of old Hollywood
glamour. (Not sure why I'm so defensive about this.)
But no, I don't believe I've run into
Punky in person. And you do know she got a breast reduction, right?
![]() |
Yo, fuck the bullshit, how is this lady not the #1 porn star on the planet? |
EVSTER: Of course I know that Punky got a tit
reduction (AND THAT MAKES ME SAD), but I have no idea who Jessica Alba's
husband is (AND THAT MAKES ME SAD ALSO). I'm not even quite sure who Jessica
Alba is (BUT I KNOW SHE’S NO BUD BUNDY).
Okay, I'm gonna Google "Jessica Alba
husband" now ... this is exciting ... google
google google ...
Cash Warren?
Cash Warren?
That's a person?
Why would she marry Cash Warren and not Hulk Hogan Jr.? If
I were Jessica Albs, I'd totally marry Hulk Hogan Joons. And that can't
possibly be his real name. Cash Warren? Who would name their child Cash Warren?
What's wrong with you California people? What happened to giving your kid a
good ole fashioned name like The Hulkster?
Okay, pleeeeeeease give us more deets on Mr. Cash Warlen. We're dying to hear details about Cash Warbens. Or just tell us about the Gyllenhaals. Jake's a terrible athlete, right? No way he knows how to throw a football. Please tell me he's a terrible athlete. Dude's so good-looking.
Okay, pleeeeeeease give us more deets on Mr. Cash Warlen. We're dying to hear details about Cash Warbens. Or just tell us about the Gyllenhaals. Jake's a terrible athlete, right? No way he knows how to throw a football. Please tell me he's a terrible athlete. Dude's so good-looking.
![]() |
Donnie Darks is actually an amazing movie. |
SARA CIRCS: I was in love with Jake from the
moment I saw him on his first day of 7th grade (my first day of 8th). He was so
cute, so funny and so obnoxious. I once heard him say, laughing, to a table
full of attractive girls, "You can tell by my voice that I have a small
dick, right?" WHO IS THAT CONFIDENT IN THE 7TH GRADE? Jesus, it still
makes me angry.
When I was in the 10th grade, I
penned a handwritten, multiple-paged letter to Jake explaining that I really
really really liked and possibly loved him. I sent it to him via the US Postal
Service. The coward never wrote me back, and it made me hate/love him all the
more. Finally, after about a year of silence between us, we found ourselves in
a hallway together and he couldn't avoid me. He said, "Hey, um, I was
wondering if maybe we could talk some time." I TOTALLY legit acted like I
had no idea what this could possibly be about and I was like, "Uh, yeah,
sure, whatevs." We never did have that talk, but the silence between us
was broken and from then on he felt comfortable making fart noises in front of
me during play rehearsals and stuff. That's how I knew he really respected me
for what I had done.
Years later, I was a teacher for a
couple of years at our former high school and he was already famous. He visited
the school one day, and some of my students saw me saying hi to him. In class
later they were all, "OMG you were friends with Jake Gyllenhaal??!?! Did
you hook up with him??" And I was like, "I'm not going to discuss
this with my students," but I let the twinkle in my eye tell them I did.
But I didn't! Also, how inappropriate for a high school teacher, right?
I think Jake was an okay athlete. My
husband did AYSO with him as a kid - here's what he had to say when I asked
him: "No, if I recall he was actually pretty coordinated / good. But, that
is an unreliable memory. That being said, if he had been terrible I probably
would have remembered." Sorry, Ev. He was "probably not
terrible."
Re: Cash: nothing that interesting to say. Here is a photo
of the scarf he made for me on his summer vacay in France, circa 1990. He later
dumped me (almost certainly as a direct result of my dorky hat-wearing phase).
![]() |
Nice cursive. |
EVSTER: You know
it's truly a shame that you attached a picture of some dumb scarf (that totally
looks like a pillow by the way -- do people from Hollywood know what scarves
are?) as opposed to that letter to Jake Gylls. I picture it having little
hearts drawn over all the i's and little nips drawn on all the o's. That
woulda gotten his attention.
WHILE WE'RE SWAPPING STORIES (are we
swapping stories? I don't even know if we're swapping stories), did you
knowwwwwwww that I played high school basketball with Mr. Hollywood himself, Kobe Bean
Bryant? (I've only mentioned it 4,000 times
in this blog.) And not only THAT, I did the Tootsee Roll with his 6-foot 3-inch
sister, Shaya, at our school's semi-formal dance (while her 6-foot 7-inch delinquent
boyfriend hovered over me getting his MIND BLOWN). Later in my yearbook, she wrote that
she'd never forget that Tootsee Roll and used dollar signs for all her S's. I
think her boyfriend is now in jail.
![]() |
Click that jawn for a bigger image of $haya's yearbook message. |
AND WHILE WE'RE $WAPPING OTHER $TORIE$, I also taught middle school for three years and once this student named Dwane (pronounced: Dih-wahn), asked me, "Mr. M, your wife got a phat ass? I bet your wife got a phat ass," and I gave him that same "I'm not answering that, this is inappropriate" look, but with a little twang to let him know that my wife definitely did have a phat ass.
Also, what the fuck is AYSO? Meh, I
don't really care. So what's goin' on in Hollywoods these days? Who's the last
celeb you saw? Any reality TV mofos to get my reader(s) excited? I saw a guy in North Philly today who was talking to a chair. Nice guy.
![]() |
Oh, Jake Gylly, you were destined for greatness! |
SARA CIRCS: DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE ATTACHED
A SCAN OF THAT LETTER IF I COULD? The only person who has a copy of that letter
is Jake Gylls himself! (It's still stuck on his fridge with one of those
magnets that looks exactly like real sushi, most likely.) If you want to see it
so much why don't you get HIM to collaborate with you on your blog?
Yeah, I knew about you and Kobe,
though I never read that blog post. I found it when I googled you (my mom said
she "needed to know more about this boy before I'm just going to let you
collaborate on a blog post"). Is that weird that I never said anything?
Anyway, so what? You wanna know which far-less-famous NBA players were in MY high
school class??? Hint: Just click on the link where I wrote
"far-less-famous NBA players" in the previous sentence. Okay, Evan,
you win this round.
![]() |
For those of you (Jonny Hi-Tops) too lazy to click things. |
I don't know what a Tootsee Roll is but I'm just going to form a vague idea of what it might be in my mind and be grossed out.
I actually saw DeAnna Stagliano (nee
Pappas - she married the other Stagliano twin!!) of Bachelor and Bachelorette
fame coming out of a Costco the other day! Also, did you know that lady, Ayda,
whom I mentioned earlier (via hyperlink), was offered Real Housewives of
Beverly Hills and she didn't take it? Sooo disappointing (for me). Oh, and how could I forget this charming guy, another friend of mine from high school? How's that for reality TV connections? HUH? NOW ARE YOU IMPRESSED?
Let's see, let's see. I recently saw Taye Diggs walking around my neighborhood - that was cool. LeAnn Rimes too. Back when Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake were dating, I was once eating in the same restaurant as them. We walked out just after they did (pure coincidence I SWEAR) and there were tons and tons of paparazzi and CD did this amazing move where she hurled her upper body through the open window of one of the paps' cars (which was oddly parked in the middle of the street), took his keys right out of the ignition and threw them over a fence so they couldn't follow her and JT! Then they got into their dumb black Mercedes and drove away. Is what she did even legal? Who knows? It was great, though. They never should have broken up.
Let's see, let's see. I recently saw Taye Diggs walking around my neighborhood - that was cool. LeAnn Rimes too. Back when Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake were dating, I was once eating in the same restaurant as them. We walked out just after they did (pure coincidence I SWEAR) and there were tons and tons of paparazzi and CD did this amazing move where she hurled her upper body through the open window of one of the paps' cars (which was oddly parked in the middle of the street), took his keys right out of the ignition and threw them over a fence so they couldn't follow her and JT! Then they got into their dumb black Mercedes and drove away. Is what she did even legal? Who knows? It was great, though. They never should have broken up.
EVSTER:
1. We have those sushi magnets!
2. Are you aware that the guy in that
picture with the Collins brothers IS A VIRGIN???
3. I bet Cameron Diaz throws like a
girl!
27. TOOTSEE
ROLL!
I just re-read this isht and can't believe after exchanging 47 emails with Sara Circs, I didn't once ask about Jason Seegs. Oh well, what'd you expect from TV My Wife Won't Be Happy When She Sees I've Been Emailing Other Women? I'll tell ya what you expect, links to stuff like funny-looking squirrels. Instead, here's a secret peek into Tim Tebow''s hacked gmail account. Anddddddddddd here's a squirrel drinking soda.
World needs to know Ev: Did you KIT with $haya?
ReplyDeleteI don't know what that means. Are you asking if I did the dang-dang with her? No, I did not do the dang-dang with her.
DeleteI don't know who this woman is or how you convinced her to write on your blog, but she is clearly a genius.
ReplyDeletei agree with this, and i'm not sara OR blara.
DeleteMaybe I'll invite her back for a weekly report / give her total access to the blorg / BAN HER FOR STEALING MY THUNDER.
DeleteYeah, that lady's okay, but the other guy is REALLY SOMETHIN.
ReplyDeleteThat yearbook signage is ab$olutely amazing.
ReplyDeleteI know!!! And it was also a little sad in a way.
DeleteIf you're not on Twitter, then you missed out my 30 Wifeys in 30 Days series where I posted a pic of a different wifey every day during Novembs. Notable wives included Gina from Martin, the cast from It's a Living and blah blah blah, who gives a shit, right, I posted some stupid pics, people looked at them, some people probably jerked off, it's the internet, get over yourself. But this morning, THIS MORNING, for the #30for30 Grand Finale, I found this gem from 1980: a 23 year-old Vanna Wheezy as a contestant on the Price is Right!
ReplyDeletehttp://forumpakistan.com/mobiles/