Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Evster and Some Lady Talk About Some Hollywood Isht


It even has a juice bar!

When I first got into the TV blog game, people were like, "Yo Evster, you can't set up TVMWW headquarters in Philly, you gotta come to Hollywood, baby!" and I was like, "Dude, I have a wife and a house." and they were like, "Cocaine!" and I was like, "What?" and they were like, "I just saw Punky Brewster eating a taco!" and I was like, "You're not even real. I just made you up for this blog intro." and they were like, "That lady loves tacos!" and I was like, "I love tacos." and they were like, "She's got the biggest tits!" and I was like, "SOLD!"

But alas, I never made it out to "The City by the Bay," so instead I've invited my good friend (never met her) @SaraCircle – born and bred in Los Angeles – to join us as TVMWW's official Hollywood Correspondent in Charge of Telling us About Famous People Eating Tacos. 

Sara, my reader(s) are dying to know: What makes you so qualified for this position? Have you ever actually seen a celeb eating a taco? And if so, how big were her tits? I'm sorry, this is no way to conduct an interview. Were they huge? Be honest. I'm sorry again. Feel free to answer any or none of those questions. And thank you for being my Internet friend. I'm so lonely. (Seriously, how big? And did you take any pics? Please send, thx.

Wow, that's a BIG TACO that is in no-way photoshopped
because sometimes they come that big 
just go with it okay. 

SARA CIRCS:  First of all, WHOA WHOA WHOA with the tits talk. Some people around here still like to pretend there are ladies present.

Second of all, I am pretty much as qualified for this position as anyone else who was born and raised and currently lives in LA, with one additional special quality that makes me stand out: I commented on your blog. I think that's really what gave me that little bit of extra razzmatazz you were looking for in your Correspondent in the City of Famous Tinseltown People and Moviemaking – and I am ready to live up to the razzmatazz promise!

Okay, so I am trying desperately not to make this about me having seen/known a bunch of celebs since I am now discovering how simultaneously braggy AND pathetic that sounds. That said, I have seen and known a veritable lot of them! It's 102% as good as being one. Examples: I went to high school with Jason Segel, the Gyllenhaals, and this lady. Also, Jessica Alba's husband was my first boyfriend (6th grade), and Simon Cowell helped me write my haftorah portion (no)!

Little story that's kind of (but kind of not) about Ms. Moon Frye, since you mention her. It has been said that I actually bear some (FACIAL) resemblance to her. In fact, I was once at a holiday party talking to ***DAVID "BUD BUNDY" FAUSTINO*** (ALERT: "***" indicates amazing story about Hollywood person that could only be told by Tinseltown local) and he said to me, "You remind me of my friend SOLEIL(!!!)." BOOM. Bet none of your other "readers" could deliver a story with that kind of old Hollywood glamour. (Not sure why I'm so defensive about this.)

But no, I don't believe I've run into Punky in person. And you do know she got a breast reduction, right?

Yo, fuck the bullshit, how is this lady not the #1 porn star on the planet?

EVSTER:  Of course I know that Punky got a tit reduction (AND THAT MAKES ME SAD), but I have no idea who Jessica Alba's husband is (AND THAT MAKES ME SAD ALSO). I'm not even quite sure who Jessica Alba is (BUT I KNOW SHE’S NO BUD BUNDY). 

Okay, I'm gonna Google "Jessica Alba husband" now ... this is exciting ... google google google ... 

Cash Warren? 

That's a person?

Why would she marry Cash Warren and not Hulk Hogan Jr.? If I were Jessica Albs, I'd totally marry Hulk Hogan Joons. And that can't possibly be his real name. Cash Warren? Who would name their child Cash Warren? What's wrong with you California people? What happened to giving your kid a good ole fashioned name like The Hulkster? 

Okay, pleeeeeeease give us more deets on Mr. Cash Warlen. We're dying to hear details about Cash Warbens. Or just tell us about the Gyllenhaals. Jake's a terrible athlete, right? No way he knows how to throw a football. Please tell me he's a terrible athlete. Dude's so good-looking.

Donnie Darks is actually an amazing movie. 

SARA CIRCS:  I was in love with Jake from the moment I saw him on his first day of 7th grade (my first day of 8th). He was so cute, so funny and so obnoxious. I once heard him say, laughing, to a table full of attractive girls, "You can tell by my voice that I have a small dick, right?" WHO IS THAT CONFIDENT IN THE 7TH GRADE? Jesus, it still makes me angry.

When I was in the 10th grade, I penned a handwritten, multiple-paged letter to Jake explaining that I really really really liked and possibly loved him. I sent it to him via the US Postal Service. The coward never wrote me back, and it made me hate/love him all the more. Finally, after about a year of silence between us, we found ourselves in a hallway together and he couldn't avoid me. He said, "Hey, um, I was wondering if maybe we could talk some time." I TOTALLY legit acted like I had no idea what this could possibly be about and I was like, "Uh, yeah, sure, whatevs." We never did have that talk, but the silence between us was broken and from then on he felt comfortable making fart noises in front of me during play rehearsals and stuff. That's how I knew he really respected me for what I had done.

Years later, I was a teacher for a couple of years at our former high school and he was already famous. He visited the school one day, and some of my students saw me saying hi to him. In class later they were all, "OMG you were friends with Jake Gyllenhaal??!?! Did you hook up with him??" And I was like, "I'm not going to discuss this with my students," but I let the twinkle in my eye tell them I did. But I didn't! Also, how inappropriate for a high school teacher, right?

I think Jake was an okay athlete. My husband did AYSO with him as a kid - here's what he had to say when I asked him: "No, if I recall he was actually pretty coordinated / good. But, that is an unreliable memory. That being said, if he had been terrible I probably would have remembered." Sorry, Ev. He was "probably not terrible."

Re: Cash: nothing that interesting to say. Here is a photo of the scarf he made for me on his summer vacay in France, circa 1990. He later dumped me (almost certainly as a direct result of my dorky hat-wearing phase).

Nice cursive.

EVSTER:  You know it's truly a shame that you attached a picture of some dumb scarf (that totally looks like a pillow by the way -- do people from Hollywood know what scarves are?) as opposed to that letter to Jake Gylls. I picture it having little hearts drawn over all the i's and little nips drawn on all the o's. That woulda gotten his attention.

WHILE WE'RE SWAPPING STORIES (are we swapping stories? I don't even know if we're swapping stories), did you knowwwwwwww that I played high school basketball with Mr. Hollywood himself, Kobe Bean Bryant? (I've only mentioned it 4,000 times in this blog.) And not only THAT, I did the Tootsee Roll with his 6-foot 3-inch sister, Shaya, at our school's semi-formal dance (while her 6-foot 7-inch delinquent boyfriend hovered over me getting his MIND BLOWN). Later in my yearbook, she wrote that she'd never forget that Tootsee Roll and used dollar signs for all her S's. I think her boyfriend is now in jail. 

Click that jawn for a bigger image of $haya's yearbook message.

AND WHILE WE'RE $WAPPING OTHER $TORIE$, I also taught middle school for three years and once this student named Dwane (pronounced: Dih-wahn), asked me, "Mr. M, your wife got a phat ass? I bet your wife got a phat ass," and I gave him that same "I'm not answering that, this is inappropriate" look, but with a little twang to let him know that my wife definitely did have a phat ass. 

Also, what the fuck is AYSO? Meh, I don't really care. So what's goin' on in Hollywoods these days? Who's the last celeb you saw? Any reality TV mofos to get my reader(s) excited? I saw a guy in North Philly today who was talking to a chair. Nice guy. 

Oh, Jake Gylly, you were destined for greatness!

SARA CIRCS:  DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE ATTACHED A SCAN OF THAT LETTER IF I COULD? The only person who has a copy of that letter is Jake Gylls himself! (It's still stuck on his fridge with one of those magnets that looks exactly like real sushi, most likely.) If you want to see it so much why don't you get HIM to collaborate with you on your blog?

Yeah, I knew about you and Kobe, though I never read that blog post. I found it when I googled you (my mom said she "needed to know more about this boy before I'm just going to let you collaborate on a blog post"). Is that weird that I never said anything? Anyway, so what? You wanna know which far-less-famous NBA players were in MY high school class??? Hint: Just click on the link where I wrote "far-less-famous NBA players" in the previous sentence. Okay, Evan, you win this round.

For those of you (Jonny Hi-Tops) too lazy to click things. 

I don't know what a Tootsee Roll is but I'm just going to form a vague idea of what it might be in my mind and be grossed out.

I actually saw DeAnna Stagliano (nee Pappas - she married the other Stagliano twin!!) of Bachelor and Bachelorette fame coming out of a Costco the other day! Also, did you know that lady, Ayda, whom I mentioned earlier (via hyperlink), was offered Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and she didn't take it? Sooo disappointing (for me). Oh, and how could I forget this charming guy, another friend of mine from high school? How's that for reality TV connections? HUH? NOW ARE YOU IMPRESSED?

Let's see, let's see. I recently saw Taye Diggs walking around my neighborhood - that was cool. LeAnn Rimes too. Back when Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake were dating, I was once eating in the same restaurant as them. We walked out just after they did (pure coincidence I SWEAR) and there were tons and tons of paparazzi and CD did this amazing move where she hurled her upper body through the open window of one of the paps' cars (which was oddly parked in the middle of the street), took his keys right out of the ignition and threw them over a fence so they couldn't follow her and JT! Then they got into their dumb black Mercedes and drove away. Is what she did even legal? Who knows? It was great, though. They never should have broken up.

EVSTER: 

1. We have those sushi magnets!

2. Are you aware that the guy in that picture with the Collins brothers IS A VIRGIN???

3. I bet Cameron Diaz throws like a girl!







I just re-read this isht and can't believe after exchanging 47 emails with Sara Circs, I didn't once ask about Jason Seegs. Oh well, what'd you expect from TV My Wife Won't Be Happy When She Sees I've Been Emailing Other Women? I'll tell ya what you expect, links to stuff like funny-looking squirrels. Instead, here's a secret peek into Tim Tebow''s hacked gmail account. Anddddddddddd here's a squirrel drinking soda.  


8 comments:

  1. World needs to know Ev: Did you KIT with $haya?

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    Replies
    1. I don't know what that means. Are you asking if I did the dang-dang with her? No, I did not do the dang-dang with her.

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  2. I don't know who this woman is or how you convinced her to write on your blog, but she is clearly a genius.

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    Replies
    1. i agree with this, and i'm not sara OR blara.

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    2. Maybe I'll invite her back for a weekly report / give her total access to the blorg / BAN HER FOR STEALING MY THUNDER.

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  3. Yeah, that lady's okay, but the other guy is REALLY SOMETHIN.

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  4. That yearbook signage is ab$olutely amazing.

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    Replies
    1. I know!!! And it was also a little sad in a way.

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