Thursday, November 1, 2012

The Bachelor/The Bachelorette: Breaking Down the Recent Break-Ups

Panorama-lamma-ding-dong!

FACT: Chicks like dudes WHO MAKE DECISIONS -- guys with strong opinions who don't just talk-the-talk, but also walk-the-walk. They DO NOT like men who spend their entire Wednesday evenings sitting next to you on the couch while tweeting about James Harden even though DUDE WENT OFF FOR 37 AND 12 in his first game in H-town!

So seeing as there's an election in FIVE STINKIN' DAYS, I thought it'd be good practice for us all to analyze the important issues surrounding us today and make a decision on how we feel about the recent break-ups of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and some other people.

EMILY AND JE

a) I feel sad for them. 

Even though no respectable man should ever use a blowdryer (on his head), Emily is still a single mother who needs all the help she can get (even if her help comes in the form of a half-man/half-not-man with a ridiculous schwee-schwoop hairstyle). Besides, Je was really nice to her daughter and someone, God, SOMEONE! deserves to spend every night nuzzled in Emily's VERY UNASSUMING BOSOM.

b) I'm glad they brokes ups!

THE GUY HAD A SCHWEE-SCHWOOPER FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUDS. BLOWDRYER, YO, BLOWDRYER! AND HE DOESN'T EVEN PLAY PROFESSIONAL SOCCER! UNACCEPTABLE!

c) Don't matter to me, broseph.

James Harden went off for 37 and twizzelve last night. You're tellin' me he's not a superstar? Are you tellin' me he's not a supastahrrr???!!! Look at that taco meat on his chest!


Is she drinking an iced coffee???

Decision: See ya later, Schwee-Schwoop! ... Helloooooo Matt Leinart!


Courtney the Hammer Valentine goes with the Figure 4 Leg Lock. 
Also this picture's gross I'm gonna barf.

BEN FLAJ AND COURTNEY 

a) Sad for them. 

Whether or not you think Courtney was misunderstood or a certified rippin' slut, it's still always sad to see people break up. And I gotta tell ya, I always sort of admired Flaj for tryin' to GET THAT COOTAH even though everyone else told him not to. (My mother always said, "Don't listen to people's opinions because people are stupid.") In college, I once went after this chick who everyone said had a tornado-twat (and she did), but that didn't stop me from experiencing three of the most bonkers Wednesday nights in her dorm room (and only three hours in the health center).

b) Get the steppin'!

Another dude with an absolutely terrible haircut. What happened to the days of Johnny "Boom Boom" Unitas when women yearned for a man who could serve a full course breakfast on his head? Besides, I heard (from my mother) that Courtney is already dating Arie. I also heard Johnny Unitas died. That's sad for him. I love breakfast.

c) Don't care.

You gotta peep this video of Jamal Crawford straight okie-doking Rudy Gay, last night.

JUST WATCH THE VIDEO ... IT'S 20 SECONDS LONG ... GEEZ LOUIZE.





Decision: Flaj should end up with his sister! ... Blechhhhhhhh!


"So you're tellin' me you put the oatmeal in the bowl, and then the water?"

TANK TOP TONY AND BLAKELY THE HUMAN BONGO MACHINE

a) Really sad for them!

Of all the relationships on all the shows, this is the one I truly wanted to last. Blakely (and her level 9 rim-rockers) needs someone, ANYONE, and Tank Top Tones would've done anything and everything for her. (When I initially wrote that, I did NOT mean sexually, but now looking back, I also mean sexually.) Tank Top Tony was also the only person in this world who did not treat Blakely like a first-class gutter slut. Yes, Triple T has the IQ of a stapler, but he CARED for her, and like Rebecca Howe could tell you, that's all a lady really wants.

Besides a guy with a taco meat chest.

b) See ya in a Kia!

Look, if Blakely really is the high octane Carolina cum guzzler that we think she is, she can't be held down to one guy who may or may not understand how to make a packet of oatmeal.

c) Who cares!

Honestly, if you don't feel for these two, you have no soul. They NEEDED each othz!

Decision: Sad for them!


Just holding a couple of basketballs next to my ears ... 
just a typical Thursday afternoon holding a couple of basketballs to my ears.

JAMES HARDEN AND OKC

a) They coulda been a contendah!

I just bought NBA2K13 and planned on creating myself to play power forward for the Thunder. We were gonna have a dynasty! I've also heard women in OKC are dirty-dirtyyyyyyyyy.

b) Houston is the City of Angels!

Spread your wings and fly young fella!

c) Matters

Decision:  Definitely having tacos tonight, boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.






Well there ya go, peoples, I finally wrote about something that you all signed up for. Happy? I didn't think so. Oh well, check out this amazing lamp that looks like a bowl of cereal.




3 comments:

  1. What about option a.5) SAD FOR ME??? That's how I felt when I learned (JUST NOW, FROM YOUR POST) that T^3 and Blakely are done. Thanks for breaking my heart into a billion without so much as a warning: heartbreak alert.

    Sad for them, though? Nah.

    I've decided that you call Jef "Je" because if he can't commit to two Fs, he doesn't even deserve one. (And also because of the swoop swee.) But I'm not the slightest bit sad for any of them, because they are all famous now and meeting even hotter people than before. (See: Arie and Courtney. Sort of.)

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  2. I'm excited for the Bachelor in 2033 when 30 people gather at a mansion and just have a 30-way fuckfest.

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