|Is that a Pittsburgh Plangers sweater?|
If you've ever spent just five minutes reading TVMWW, then you know I'm a HUGE hockey-head, so today I invited my good pal and fellow ice-wrangler, Feddd, to join me to drop the gloves and discuss the NHL Lockout.
EV: Feddetenko, I don't know about you, but I am KEITH JONES'IN for some wristers! Not having any hockey to watch has been rough, like in the '96 'offs when Clint Galarchuck took that slapper right to his fucking throat! You know who's really suffering from the lack of hockey, though? The ST. LOUIS BLUES. I was so excited to see their new throat-slasher line of Torianov, Krobachenko and Grubenskya -- and not to mention, right winger Eddie Balflour behind the pipes!
FEDDD: Oh man, you said it, Ev Man! Forgive the "trash talk" but if you aren't a total dyed-in-the-wool PUCK-HEAD like me then you can seriously go around the corner and die in a hot fire. Hockey is the only sport that combines everything I love: skates, ice and pads! Lotta questions will be answered this season. Can Evgeni Morkmongle continue his hot streak...or should I say COLD STREAK? Will Benny Brickfarb ever walk again? Has Alexei "The Gentleman" Flunchdild assaulted his last woman? Has anyone ever shot a puck through a whole guy? Want answers? Well, then I'll see you on the ice...the HOCKEY ICE!
EV: I've said it before and I'll say it again: it's all about the BLUE LINE -- and no team understands that better than the Toronto Maple Lorfs. They're a first-class organyezation that has built their team around guys who shoot slappers right in other guy's throats. And it all starts up top with the man in the orange sweater, Pierre "the Poisson" Toisonne. Look, in today's Campbell Conference, you need a point man who’s not afraid to shoot a wraparounder RIGHT INTO ANOTHER GUY'S FACE (OR THROAT) ... like I dunno, someone like a young Claude Lefavbre, maybe??? Am I right, Feddds?
FEDDD: Right, E-Street! The formula for success in today's NHL is simple. You need one guy who can basically skate backwards full-time, one guy who does sidey-skating, and one guy who skates regular but can do really cool stops. If I were making my Dream Team, I'd have to go with Dyslexic Trevor Zezel, Geoff "The Sidewinder" Plorp, and Ol' Straighty-Forwardy Armen Beepledarder, respectively. If you don't think these three guys would win the Stanley, the Byng AND the Vezina every year, you can basically take a full-on sprint into a dog's butt and choke on it. It used to be that you also needed an enforcer like Mike "The Meat" Mott who wasn't afraid to punch a guy in the brain. But with recent rule changes designed to tame the sport, the most you can probably hope for is an "intimidator" like Little Wesley Bunting who is known mostly for throwing all three of his wives out a window.
|Just sittin' on a rock. |
Just the muhfuhggin Karate Kid wearing the "C" on a rock.
(IN A FULL ISLANDERS UNIFORM AND GLOVES).
EV: Okay, it's time for the hot ice breakdown: Quick, best penalty killer in the slot?
FEDDD: Tough call, but I gotta go with my boy Nikolas "Nicholas Nickelby" Nickerson.
EV: Young guy to watch this year ON THE CREASE!
FEDDD: I'll give the nod to an up-and-comer in the Northeast Division, Tom Fuck.
EV: Quick line change! Favourite moment in the 1976 'offs?
FEDDD: No-brainer, Ev. For me, it's Dave Lemieux gutting it out and playing for 3 full minutes after he was killed by a Mike Mott punch to the brain.
EV: Man, I just can't handle one more day without seeing a guy's neck get sliced open and blood dripping out of his mangled, sweaty, hot face. I hope during this offseason, Renny, Flenny, Harksy, Flarpsy, Roatsey, Selbsy, Klegger and Ben Kweller have been keeping their blades -- and their tits -- sharp!
The great thing about these collabo-posts is I only have to write half as much! Also, I'm sorry, I recognize this was the absolute dumbest post in TVMWW history. To make it up for you people who actually like when I write about television, I'm currently working on a post about a TV show that my wife ACTUALLY watches. In the meantime, check out this bonkers-long Grantland article about the 1980's Houston Rockets. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at these awesome portraits of Hollywood celebs by Martin Schoeller.