Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Stuff My Wife Hates: Snoring

Every once in a while, I like to do some good ole fashioned research for TV My Wharf Woptches -- so this week I hit the streets and asked a bunch of women what they hate most about their husbands.

Research, everybody!

So what are we gonna do about this, ladies? Just sit back and complain about it at book club? Or are we going to analyze the data, evaluate the situation and come up with some solutions?!?!


And would it kill you to actually talk about the book at book club for more than five minutes? It's disrespectful to the book. Someone wrote that book, two people in your book club took the time to actually read that book, and instead you choose to just talk about sex. At least have the decency to call this club what it really is: Should I Invest in a Butt Plug Club. Thank you.

SOLUTION #1 - Buy Breathe Rights

That's a pretty good headline!

As you read this, there are currently a group of scientists sitting in a room at GlaxoSmithKline headquarters wondering, "How are we NOT the richest people in the world?! How is EVERYONE not using these things?! They help you breathe! THEY HELP YOU BREATHE!!!"

And they're right, Breathe Rights are friggin' incredible. They literally open up your nasal cavity and allow more oxygen to travel to your brain. THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD THING. And yet, the only people who use them are college running backs and weirdo bloggers WHO CAN'T BREATHE.

Unfortunately, Breathe Rights are pretty expensive (a box of 26 costs about $15) and I recently made the mistake of buying the Small/Medium size as opposed to the Large jawns for my APPARENTLY ENORMOUS NOSE. The smaller ones cover like one nostril while the other side just flaps in the breeze, but the thing is: I didn't know this about my nose! I mean, I knew I had a large'ish nose, but when kids called me names like "Sergeant Dick Nose" and "Deputy Nose Fucker" I just thought they were making fun of my annoying personality, not that my nose is larger than a "small" or "medium" one.

So now I have a box of around 23 perfectly usable Breathe Rights made for a person with a non-Anteater nose collecting dust in my medicine cabinet. And because they're 15 bucks a pop, I can't just go out and get a new box of large ones, because I already have these 23 perfectly good ones (that are of absolutely no use to me).



This is not my nose, it's a false one.

SOLUTION #2 - Kick Your Husband in the 
Calf / Thigh / Rib Cage While He's Sleeping

My wife and I look absolutely nothing like this. 


And yet it seems to be my wife's personal method-of-choice. Yes, it stops the snoring (momentarily), but it also makes your husband sad (and bruised) and your husband doesn't want to be sad (or bruised). I remember one morning after my wife blasted me like, eight times throughout the night, we had this conversashe:

ME:  Honey, you know how you blast me when I'm snoring?

MY WIFE:  Yeah.

ME:  Yeah, can you not blast me?

MY WIFE:  But you're snoring. 

ME:  I know, but do you have to blast? 

MY WIFE:  I mean ... 

ME:  It hurts. Like, when I'm sleeping -- which is very nice by the way -- it hurts me when you blast. And I don't like that.

MY WIFE:  ... 

ME:  Also it startles me. 

MY WIFE:  But snoring.

ME:  Maybe you could just tap me? And do it nicely. 

MY WIFE:  ...

ME:  I like when you do things nicely ... I don't like getting blasted. 

MY WIFE:  Okay. I'll try to not blast you.

ME:  Thank you. I mean that in all sincerity. Thank you. 

For the record, my wife LOVES to talk about stuff. Like, if we have a problem or an argument, all she wants to do is talk about it and express our feelings. And in all our years of talking about stuff and expressing our feelings, this was the ONLY time that anything positive came of it. Granted, now my wife just taps me, wakes me up and politely asks me to roll over (which is still HORRIBLE), but it's better than getting blasted. 



SOLUTION #3 - Wear Earplugs

That looks comfortable. 

No one wants to do this. No one wants to jam little styrofoam things INTO THEIR EARS. My wife does it, though. She also plugs in when I'm watching Barclay's Premier League soccer and during any and all car rides with me. It's no way to live.



SOLUTION #4 - Sleep in Separate Bedrooms

Sad for her.

Regardless if this is a good idea or not (and I'm not saying it is), there is no way that I am going to endorse sleeping in separate bedrooms on an internet website dedicated to my lovely wife and her questionable television viewing habits. 

REGARDLESS if it makes sense -- allowing both parties involved to stretch out and enjoy something that they both REALLY enjoy and are not enjoying as much as they did before they met each other -- I am not going to endorse this. 

Even if both parties are UNCONSCIOUS throughout the entire process -- still not a good idea.  



Quick side-story: My wife and I once shared a hotel room with our friends Larbage and Chicken while on holiday in Brussels -- and during the middle of one of Larbo's epic Chainsaw Sessions, my wife MADE HIM SLEEP IN THE SHOWER. I'm not kidding. She dragged a twin mattress into the bathroom, put a couple pillows on the shower floor and shut it down. Also, Larbo is 6 foot 4 and weighs 300lbs. You haven't lived until you seen a 300-pounder sleeping in a shower. Also we could still hear him through the wall

SOLUTION #5 - Get That Surgery Where They Redo Your Nose

I don't want that surgery! 

Who would possibly want that surgery?!

I'll get it if Larbo gets it!

My friend Jonny Hi-Tops recently told me that the videos at the end of these posts never embed in the automatic emails that get sent out. That's sad, because they really tie the posts (and the room) together. Have no fear though, because I secretly link to the videos at the end anyway. Jonny said he can't be bothered to click on things. Oh well, maybe he'll check out Cat Bounce, literally minutes of entertainment


  1. Larbage and Chicken? Cool friends, bro.

    1. SORRY, KUNK.

      Let's get a Larbage vs. Kunk, steel cage battle going!


      IT WAS SAD.

  2. LOL!
    CPAP pillow or a properly designed chinstrap device can also do the trick.

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