Tuesday, October 9, 2012

TVMWW Celebrated Its 2nd Anniversary! Thanks For Remembering!

Ohhhh my God, that's so amazing / disgusting. 

Last week, I missed my anniversary. Not my wedding anniversary, my TVMWW anniversary. C'mon, I wouldn't miss my wedding anniversary. I'm not that horrible of a person. I know that I make the occasional AIDS joke and said that Emily Maynard's daughter couldn't talk for shit (and she can't), but I'm not a bad person. I could see if I'd been married for four, maybe five years, sure, maybe I'd forget my wedding anniversary, but I've only been married for fifteen months. FIFTEEN OF THE LONGEST MONTHS IN THE HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION. That's not even true. I don't know why I make those jokes. My wife is a very very very nice woman. A very nice woman who would blowdart me in the neck if I ever missed our anniversary. I'm not kidding, that woman WOULD ANNIHILATE ME.



October 6th was the two-year anniversary of TVMWW's launch, and I didn't even know. The day came and went without a Facebook reminder, so there was no champagne poppin or chicken salad floppin (that's not a thing). I didn't even get to have a celebratory snort of some sweet Colombian yay-yo. Not surprising considering the way this blog-blog is managed. I'm 737 days into the blog game and TVMWW still has no schedule for when posts come out. Wednesday's Wifey hasn't been about an actual wifey in months. I'm honestly not even sure when Wednesday is.

105 Wednesdays and this woman couldn't be Wednesday's Wifey ONCE???

And yet here we are, and you're still reading. Which leads me to believe that you have severe, severe, severe problems. Probably time for you to reevaluate everything you're doing in this world.

For my first anniversary, I thanked my readers (all six of 'em!) for following along, and mentioned some other folks who shared a birthday with TVMWW. (When I say, "Rebecca!" you say, "Lobo!" ... "Rebecca!" ... Globos! ... "Rebecca!" ... Flobos!) This year, I figured I'd look back and see what other amazing things happened on October 6 throughout history.

Let's check-it, check-it outtttttttttttt:

OCTOBER 6, 1984 - Professor Herman Jorbens of Tulane University becomes the first person to successfully eat his own mouth. 

No, that's not true. That's not even close to true. I'm sorry.

Just a goat hanging out on a deck. NBD.

OCTOBER 6, 1945 - Billy Sianis buys a seat for his pet goat for Game 4 of the World Series. 

This one is actually true. Billy (and the goat) were kicked out of Wrigley field, casting the Curse of the Billy Goat on the Chicago Cubs.

All right, so first of all, do you think Mr. Sianis purchased a ticket for his goat all along? or do you think he bought two tickets and couldn't find anyone to go with so he ended up just bringing his goat?

BILLY SIANIS:  Hey man, I can't find anyone to go to this game with.

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  What about Larry?

BILLY SIANIS:  He's working.


BILLY SIANIS:  Cliff's dead.

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  Oh, right, Cliff's dead. That's sad.

BILLY SIANIS:  Yeah, he's been dead almost 15 years.

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  Has it been that long?


GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  How'd he die again?

BILLY SIANIS:  His wife shot him in the face.

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  Ohhhh yeahhhh, what a tragedy. What a tragedy. Geez, I've been meaning to call her. Hey, why don't you bring your pet goat?

BILLY SIANIS:  Who, Stanley?

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  No, your other goat.



BILLY SIANIS:  Ummmm ...

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  How many goats do you have?

BILLY SIANIS:  I have five goats.

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  Which one of them is really well behaved?


GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  No, Edward's a dick.

BILLY SIANIS:  Yeah, Edward is a dick.

GUY BILLY'S TALKING TO:  Keith? Is Keith the one I'm thinking of?

BILLY SIANIS:  Oh yeah, Keith! I'll bring Keith! He's so well behaved!

And let's just say that Keith really was well behaved, like he could sit in a seat for three hours and not eat anyone else's peanuts. And whenever the Cubs came to bat, wait, can goats even sit? I've never seen a goat sit. How funny would it be to show up to a playoff baseball game and have to sit next to a goat? Especially one named Keith! I gotta be honest, I don't think I could sit within 15 rows of a goat and not stare at him the entire time. I wouldn't see one pitch of that game. I watched the Real Madrid-Barcelona match this weekend with my friend Dorf and his two sons -- Nino (4) and the X-man (2) -- and I couldn't concentrate on one second of that match because his kids were bee-boppin all over the place. At one point during the second half, Nino just stood in front of me eating crackers. It was mesmerizing. We were just locked eye-to-eye as Nino shoved cracker after cracker into his little mouth. Never able to fit the whole cracker in his mouth, part of it always hanging out the side. And there were crumbs everywhere. Next to him, his little brother the X-man was racing his trucks up and down my friend T-Bone's legs. In X's defense, T-Bone has very long legs which make for perfect ramps to roll trucks down, but still, there's no way we could focus on the action. I don't think goats can sit.

Shows how much I know.

OCTOBER 6, 1890 - The Mormon Church outlaws polygamy. 

A sad day in the lives of so many perverts. But correct me if I'm wrong, aren't Mormons allowed to practice polygamy? Isn't that their sole defining characteristic? Well, that and marrying really ugly women? I'm so confused.

OCTOBER 6, 1955 - LSD made illegal in U.S.

I've never done LSD (nor have I ever had sex with a goat), but this is a great link to a college kid who live-tweeted his recent acid trip. Definitely worth reading. For reals!

OCTOBER 6, 1976 - John Hathaway bikes 50,600 miles across every continent. 

Oh, get over yourself, John Hathaway. Why are bicyclists SO into riding their bikes? Do you know one bicyclist who doesn't list "bike riding" as his/her sole defining characteristic? And did you ever think that I'd use the phrase "sole defining characteristic" in back-to-back paragraphs? I gotta be honest, riding bikes isn't even that fun! It was fun when you're like four and can't shove a whole cracker in your mouth, but when you're 35, it hurts your butt too much. I don't like when my butt hurts. I don't like it.

Last Sundee morning, I was relaxing at home (watching soccer) when my buddy Gil and his son Nick dropped in. Nick is three.

NICK:  Hey Uncle Evy, we go on bike ride.

ME:  Cool Nick, I'm not wearing pants. Hold on a sec.

NICK:  Uncle Evy, you go on bike ride with us?

ME:  Ummmmm, welllll, Newcastle is playing Manchester United, sooooooo ...

NICK:  I'm wearing a helmet.

ME:  Yeah, that's a nice helmet, but ...

GIL:  He's wearing a helmet.

ME:  Yeah, I see the helmet.

GIL:  He wants to go on a bike ride with you.

ME:  I see the helmet, dude. I see the helmet.

NICK:  We can get french fries!

ME:  Nick, it's 9am. You can't get french fr... dude, Newcastle's been playing really well lately. Demba Ba? He's in form.

NICK:  Come with us, Evy. You can wear my helmet!

ME:  I'm not sure you understand what's going on here, Nick.

NICK:  Helmet helmet helmet!

ME:  God dammit. Fine.

Not three minutes into that stinkin' bike ride, my butt was throbbing. I immediately regretted it and wondered why I didn't just stay at home and eat Cream of Wheat.

That poor, disgusting, pathetic girl is probably so happy to eat Cream of Whiz. 

OCTOBER 6, 1893 - Nabisco Foods invents Cream of Wheat. 

Now that's an accomplishment.

It's so warm and delicious!

The winner????

Cream of Wheat!

Congratulations Cream of Wheat!

Thank you!


No idea!

Look, I understand that the video above is a sheep video and not a goat video, but you get the point. Also, whaddayou think about this whole ending the posts with a song/video thing? I'm sort of digging it. I'm also guessing that you hadn't even noticed. I hate you. Here's a video of Manute Bol's son, Bol Bol, a 6'5" 7th grader doin' work!


  1. Remember how good the Cream of Wheat was at The Neighborhood?

  2. Top #3 List is no particular order:

    3. Sundee Morning
    1. Chicken Salad Floppin
    2. Keith

    1. This could be my favourite comment in the history of TV Me Wurf Wipetches!

  3. The paragraphs weren't back-to-back. And i'm sorry, Evan. I'm sorry you couldn't watch the game.

    1. Yeah, they were back-to-back during the initial draft ... believe it or not, I sometimes do multiple drafts.

      Also "Anonymous," I KNOW WHO ARE YOU.