Monday, October 29, 2012

The Weather Channel: Hurricane Sandles

This looks good.

GUY IN STUDIO:  Hi! I'm a guy who's wearing a very clean shirt. I couldn't be warmer or more comfortable. Let's send it out to this other guy -- who's not nearly as good-looking as I am -- live from the beach in Point Pleasant, New Jersey.

REPORTER IN NJ:  THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR ME TO BE OUT HERE. AS YOU CAN SEE FROM SIMPLY LOOKING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW, IT'S RAINING A LOT. I'M HONESTLY SO COLD. IF MY BOSS IS WATCHING, PLEASE SIR, PLEASE LET ME GO HOME NOW. WHY IS IT THAT THIS ENTIRE STATE IS ALLOWED TO EVACUATE BUT ME? TELL MY WIFE THAT I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.

GUY IN STUDIO:  What can you tell us about Sandy's storm surges? That's a term I just learned. "Storm surges." Try saying that ten times fast. Storm surges storm surges storm surges storm surg ... it's actually not that hard.

REPORTER IN NJ:  I CANNOT HEAR ONE WORD THAT YOU'RE SAYING. DO YOU NOT SEE THESE ROARING WINDS? THEY'RE ROARING. THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT A METEOROLOGIST WHO IS NOT QUITE AS GOOD-LOOKING AS OTHER METEOROLOGISTS. IT'S STILL RAINING SO, SO HARD. I HOPE YOU PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING YOUR SHELTER. CHILDREN, DO NOT GO INTO METEOROLOGY UNLESS YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD-LOOKING. I WOULD LOVE A HOT BOWL OF SOUP RIGHT NOW. DOESN'T EVEN MATTER WHAT KIND OF SOUP. I'D TAKE ANY SOUP. EVEN ONE WITH BARLEY IN IT. I DON'T REALLY HAVE A WIFE. I'M SO SAD.

GUY IN STUDIO:  Thanks guy in Point Plez, let's take you now to some lady in New York City who seems to be in a good mood -- completely oblivious that she may die at any moment.

CUTE JEWISH'Y LOOKING LADY IN MANHATTAN:  Hey everybodys! I'm having a great time out here! As you can see the Hudson River is pretty much about to swallow me into it, but I'm wearing a wet suit, so that's nice for me. Let's send it out to Chris Christie, who's about to talk about some stuff.

CHRIS CHRISTIE:  Everyone. EVERYONE! I'm wearing a fleece. It has my name on it. Don't be stupid. Put your name on things.

GUY IN STUDIO:  That's a really good point. I have my initials monogrammed on these gold cufflinks that my gorgeous wife gave me for our third anniversary. I also have four really beautiful, blonde-haired children. Their names are Bladen, Blockland, Nayvin and Thayer. Now let's take a look at the radar with our hurricane expert, this other really nice-looking, fit guy.

HURRICANE EXPERT:  As you can see every single arrow on this map is pointing exactly to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. See this wind system right here? The one that's a much darker shade of purple than anything else on this map? Yeah, that's headed right for Philadelphia. It sure is cozy in this studio.

GUY IN STUDIO:  Let's go to a commercial so we can get some soup.

HURRICANE EXPERT:  Great idear!

High fives other guy, both men hold onto the other guy's hand and start making out hardcore.

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