|Check out young bull in the background playing Gameboy. |
No idea there's a crazy woman going Gangham Style in the street.
There are three things in this world that I've mastered:
- making grilled cheese
- not writing about TV on my blog that's supposed to be about TV
- driving my wife bonkers
In fact, it's not just my wife, I have the innate ability to piss off all women. Co-workers, supermarket checkout girls, prostitutes who refuse to be "paid with compliments."
So seeing as I have this gift, I thought I'd share with you:
The Evster's Top Ten Things
You Can Say or Do
to Drive a Woman Bonkers
(in no particular order)
(also I don't even think I came up with ten of 'em)
I don't think it's so much that women don't find Mariah attractive (they don't), it's more that they feel she has caused irrevocable damaged to the way men perceive how a woman should look: titties out, midrift blazin', shorts so short you can see her urethra. Personally, I can't get enough of Mariah and find her craziness as a MAJOR bonus. I'm also way into urethras.
Mention the Word "Abortion"
Pro-life, pro-choice, doesn't matter. Just say the word and watch a woman go off. Last week during the Vice Presidential debate, I didn't hear one thing Joe Bides or Paul Ryes said about aborsh because whenever they brought up the subject, my wife started barking like her name was NeNe Leakes:
"Oh hayyllllll nawwwww. Ain't nobody gone tell me what to do with my uterus. I will get pregnant and kill a baby right now. Right now! Ya hear me? Ya hears whats I'm sayings? Yo white boy, yo white boy (that's me, she's talking to me there), lay down on this couch and get me pregnant. Get me pregnant young fella ... 'cause I'm gone kill this baby! I'm 'bout to keell this baby right hee-yuh!"
*SPECIAL BONUS JAWN FOR NEW MOMS
*Bring Up How Great a Celebrity Mom Looks After Just Having a Baby
Ladies, it's okayyyyyy that your titties get saggy as hell. It's okayyyy that your ripe melons turn into soggy, disgusting, three-day-old mashed potatoes that no human being would ever want to eat. We understand. It's all part of the process. We also love mashed potatoes and will honestly eat anything. Also, it's not like we're getting any less moles on our backs. Just 'cause we think Hillary Duff looks good in her Baby Bjorn doesn't mean you don't. Unless you're Giuliana Rancic ... ughhh ... she looks turrible. C'mon lady, you got a decent personality, but them Bruce Lee arms gots to go.
(All of a sudden I'm NeNe Leakes Jr?)
"Honey, don't worry about cleaning up after dinner tonight. I got this." -- Dishes Right in the Sink
When we say we're gonna clean the kitchen, we intend to clean the kitchen, but there's always sooooooo many dishes. And pots. And pans. And special knives that can't go in the dishwasher. And every time we try to do the dishes, the sponge smells sooooo mildew'y, and there's nothing worse than a mildew'y sponge. We'll get to them eventually, we really will, but right after we just ate?! That's a lot to ask. Plus, they can wait til the morning / three days from now. Can you just calm down?
Just calm down.
Just calmmmmmmm dowwwwwnnnnnnn.
Tell a Woman to "Calm Down"
Women are getting better at understanding how much dudes like fantasy football -- in fact, my wife actually almost pays attention when I tell her how absolutely bongo-bonkers C.J. Spiller is -- but they still get fired up whenever they're talking to you and you're not listening because you have Larry Fitz and the Cardinals are facing a 3rd and goal and you're down 4 points to your friend Feddd who's a total dickwad and JESUS HOW BAD IS KEVIN KOLB.
That reminds me:
Not Listening When She's Talking to You -- and Even Nodding and Saying Things Like, "Yeah, uh-huh, oh wow," But Really Hearing Nothing
It's to the point where my wife and I have had MANY conversations about this.
After a Lady Complains to You About Something, Give Your Opinion
No. This is not what women want. Sometimes they just want to complain. Let's take a specific scenario and check out three different ways to handle said scenario:
WOMAN: Ew, Janet at work is friggin' pissin' me off. Today, oh my gawd I wanted to kill her, today, we had this meeting, right? And whatever, we have this meeting all the time, it's our Wednesday meeting, and Janet KNOWS we have this meeting. We have it every Wednesday. So I go up to her and I'm like, "Jan, do you have the notes from the last meeting?" and she's like, "What notes?" And I'm like, "What?" and she's like, "The notes from the meeting?" And I'm like, "Obviously." And it's just like, it's her job to take notes at the meeting and type them up afterwards. I mean, it's her job. It's her jobbbb. And she's like, "Well, yeah, but I haven't typed them up, yet." And I'm like, "That's your jobbbb. That's yer gjahbb. You need to do yer gjahbbbbb."
DUDE: Well, maybe she just had a busy week and hadn't quite gotten to ...
No. Wrong answer. Try again.
DUDE: Well, I don't think she was trying to be malicious, she was just ... I mean, she's always been nice to me, so ...
Even worse. This is how you do it:
DUDE: Awww man, yeah, I'm sorry. That sucks. Yeah. Meetings. I know about meetings. Yeah.
|I needs to get me a pipe.|
The Old Sunglasses Stare at the Beach -- So Obvious
My wife actually doesn't have a big problem with this one. She's one of those people who is fascinated by the human form, so she fully supports me occasionally checking out hot chicks. She does not like however when we're driving through Villanova's campus and I suddenly scream, "HOLY TANG-TANGS." That's a little different.
Tell Your Wife About Your Married Friend Who Got a Handjob From a Stripper at So-in-so's Bachelor Party
"Hey honey, wanna hear something hilarious that happened this weekend?"
The answer is no.
I know, it's weird!
I'd totally wanna hear that story!
Special shout out to my wife and her friends: Chicken Lidds, AF and Big Shirley for helping me brainstorm for this post. Do you have anything to add to the discush? Things we may have missed? If so, add 'em in the comments section below. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrr just check out this dude who tried to feed a banana to a llama. I think eventually the llama gave in and ate that jawn. And I bet it was hilarious.