Wednesday, October 3, 2012

RHONJ: Super Bonkers Reunion

Is that a bowl of french bread bits in front of them?
Are they having fondue?

During halftime of this Sundee's Beagles-Giants game, my wife switched over to the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show. Most dudes with chest hair would've freaked out, but I was okay with this, because:

A) I'm a loving husband who understands the importance of compromise.
B) My wife is a terrifying human being who runs our home with an iron fist.
C) It's very hard to change the channel when you're duct-taped to a leather chair and your wife has her foot on your throat while she's spitting on you (in a non-sexual way).

The show was totally bonkers and mainly consisted of different housewives getting into arguments with Teresa. I would've felt bad for Teresa, but she brought it all on herself is not quite attractive enough for me to feel sorry for.

Highlights included:

Caroline's daughter calling Teresa a "dickhead"

Interesting word choice by Caroline's daughter, here. I don't know if I've ever heard a woman call another woman a dickhead before. I've certainly been called a dickhead before -- in fact I'm pretty sure that my wife called me a dickhead this morning -- but in my defense, deodorant and cream cheese look VERY similar.

Regardless, Teresa is definitely a dickhead.

Let's take a second though to break down the actual definition of a dickhead. A dickhead is a jerk, but not quite as malicious as an asshole. And when you call someone a dickhead you're also implying that they're kind of an idiot. For example:

"Hey, did you hear that Freddy cheated on his wife with his next door neighbor?" ... "Ugh, that guy is such an asshole."


"Hey, did you hear that Freddy got caught cheating on his wife because he was wearing his mistress's underwear?" ... "Ugh, that guy is such a dickhead."

So bravo, Caroline's daughter. Great use of your vocabulary.

Also, Jacqueline has nice breasts.



Jacqueline and Caroline aka "Boom Boom" weeping uncontrollably about Jac's autistic son

This part was actually kinda sad -- they showed a montage of Jacqueline's son that ended with him saying "I ruvv you" (and I mean that in a cute way, not in a that-kid-can't-talk-for-shit kinda way). Then Jacqueline and (ESPECIALLY) Boom Boom started WAILING and Boom Boom yelled "HE'LL DO IT AGAIN! HE'LL DO IT AGAIN, JACQUELINE!" and no one knew what the hell she was talking about and then she explained that the kid has recently regressed and now he really can't talk for shit. Regardless, it was sort of hilarious in a that-woman-is-out-of-her-mind-she-would-get-along-great-with-homeless-people kinda way.

It should also be noted that after the montage I looked over to my wife who was crying, too. She tried to cover it up ("I'm not crying. Why would you think I was crying?"), but the tears dripping down her face onto the cellphone held against her chest was a dead giveaway. Then she got up and inconspicuously tried to drop her dripping wet cellphone into a bag of rice, which made me think: when are we going to stop thinking of rice as food and start thinking of it as a cellphone accessory? I mean, do people even eat rice, anymore? There's really no reason to keep it in the pantry -- we should just stick bags of rice in our drawers with the rest of our electronics that we hold onto in case of an emergency (old chargers, camera chords, cream cheese deodorant, etc.).

Young (and sort of really cute!) dickhead.

Rosie freaking out backstage a la Latrell Sprewell 

I don't even know what the freak happened here, I was too busy trying to tweet about Kathy's new nose job, but apparently at the end of the episode Teresa said something about Kathy's (and Rosie's) dad that made Rosie (who was backstage in a cage dressing room) go buckwild. Except you couldn't see Rosie, you could only hear her (which sort of made her even scarier, kinda like Silence of the Lambs). That's where they ended the show (and where they'll begin part deux next Sundee night). Personally, I think Rosie's more bark than bite (but then again I also thought it'd be a good idea to start a blog about reality television).

Boy, I sure did use a lot of parentheses in this blorgpost.

(Please kill me.)

(My fantasy football team is terrible.)

(My armpits also never stop sweating.)

(This is no way to live.)

(They honestly never stop sweating.)

Tonight is the first presidential debate. I'd tell you to follow me on Twitter so we could chat in real time, but my wife recently yelled at me for tweeting too much while we're hanging out (forcing me to go to the bathroom to tweet) so instead I'll just tell you to look at this amazing amazing amazing picture of Mitt Romney. Also, my wife is NOT going to be happy that I mentioned that she put the kibosh on my tweeting. She's really a VERY lovely person! And a great cook! And a terrific dancer! And a great baby-holder after a circumcision!


  1. I finally watched RHNJ reunion last night. Gawd, why is Teresa such an idiot and moron? Does she not realize her arguments and words sound so sincerely uneducated? How did I ever like her in season 1?

    I am team Caroline though. At least she's got a brain up in there.

    1. The bottom line is just that she's really really really dumb. She's just not smart. And that's why she's a dickhead and not quite an asshole. Also, her husband is a caveman.

    2. Ok, I watched this again and it pains me every time. Teresa is now qualified as a dumber sole than NeNe from the Atlanta show. And, why does Trump insist on giving the dumbiest broads from these Real Housewives franchises slots on Celebrity Apprentice? WHY.

      Did you happen to catch part 2 of the reunion this past Sunday? Wow, Juicy Joe....I have no words for how absolutely guido he really is. WOW WOW WOW. He's an ass hat.

    3. I think NeNe is actually smart, just a loose cannon.

      (I can't believe I'm actually participating in a legit conversation here and not talking about squirrels eating bagels or something.)

      I caught a little of part 2 AND IT WAS BONKY-BONKS ... I felt a little baad for Joe Guidice because he really is the dumbest and was just trying to act cool on camera by calling his wife a biznitch and my wife was saying that even though Teresa is a total dickhead you could see that when Joe Guidice was on that the other women actually felt sorry for her by the way he mistreats and disrespects her and is unable to do basic arithmetic.

    4. See, I think that is where you and I disagree...I think Nene is a complete fool. Her arguments with Kim always make her seem so uneducated. She's always blaming and in the last season or so she's been a complete hypocrite and I think that when one is a hippopotamus I mean hypocrite it just shows how effing dumb they are. Then again, I feel like Nene could be kin to the hippo animal class, while Teresa is kin to the dodo birds. And Juicy Joe is just down right as lifeless and ridiculous as an amoeba.

      I think I saw a preview for the next installment of Atlanta coming up next month. I use to be a fan of this franchise, but the assholes of Beverly Hills have piqued my interest even more given they drop $25000 on sunglasses like I drop $1.59 on no-brand name toilet paper.