Tuesday, October 16, 2012

RHONJ: Reunion Part 46 of 133

Joe Giudice, in the upper right hand corner,
dreaming about stopping at Roy Rogers on the ride home.

So there's this old porno called Screamin' Reamers. I've never actually seen it (seriously), but I'm pretty sure we can figure out what it's all about. Someone shoves something into someone else's yorbler, the recipient lets out a blood-curdling scream (which the audience finds VERY erotic, because our society takes pleasure in punishing people sexually), some money is exchanged behind the scenes, a lucrative film franchise is born.

Let it be known, there's actually a whole series of Screamin' Reamers films. Number 11 is called Screamin' Reamers 11: Sperm Suckers. There's another one titled Screamin' Reamers 5: F*ckathon. These are real things.  

Quick recap for those of you whose heads just exploded:

Someone does some ram-jamming ... someone else screams ... dollar dollar bills, y'all.

Pretty much the exact same blueprint as the Real Housewives of New Jersey's reunion.

For 60 straight minutes on Sundee night, people took turns ram-jamming Teresa Giudice, and her only response was screaming like a lunatic.

Sometimes screaming like a lunatic is a very effective defense mechanism (like when my wife told me last week she wanted to go apple picking), but Teresa's arguing only seemed to add fuel to the fire. At one point during the show EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON STAGE was yelling at Teresa, and instead of her cowering and shaking and crying (GREAT MOVES BY THE WAY), she just kept firing away with louder screams which only produced even more powerful reams.

Never gonna look at that one the same, are ya?

The most devastating reams were brought on by her brother, Joe Gorgs, who may or may not have starred in Screamin' Reamers 14: Elephant Dong. Joe and Teresa's sibling rivalry runs deep, so when Joe fired back, it seemed to sting his sister that much more.

I am not insinuating that Joe had butt-sex with his sister, but I'm not not saying it either.

Where Screamin' Reamers and RHONJ differ is in the enjoyment that its participants get out of the process. Teresa didn't seem to appreciate any of her reaming, whereas porn stars, well ... actually, I never SAW Screamin' Reems, so maybe those women didn't fancy it, either. The disgusting pervert in me wants to believe that the women of SR LOVED their reaming, but now I'm sadly realizing that that's probably not the case. Even sadder for Teresa is the fact that after a long day on set, the women of Screamin' Reams get to go home to their spouses and get the emotional comfort and soothing that one needs after getting their butthole blasted. Teresa had to go home WITH JOE GIUDICE, a man who lists his favorite hobby as "apple sauce".

I'm guessing that following the show, Teresa had a level 9 major meltdown after realizing that she had alienated everyone in her life, except for her cro-magnon husband. I picture her in the Bravo parking lot, slumped over her steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably while Joe -- next to her in in the passenger seat (remember, he doesn't have a license) -- gently pet her on the back, and then got bored after around four seconds and was like, "Alright, alright already! Let's go, stop crying! I wanna go to Roy Rogers!" And then Teresa probably drove him to Roy Rogers, and Joe got upset because he couldn't figure out how to work the horseradish sauce dispenser, so Teresa helped him, and then Joe dropped his cheeseburger, and then he punched a table and demanded apple sauce.

Silver lining?

Some anal porn stars end up straightening their lives out and going into real estate.

Most end up addicted to meth.

In an earlier draft of this post (and yes, sometimes I do multiple drafts), I came up with around 43 other titles for Screamin' Reamers films. One of them was Screamin' Reamers 7: Titty Smashers. That was probably my favourite. If you'd like the complete list of my made-up SR film titles, email me at TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this hilarious thing that the LA Clippers are doing to each other when someone falls asleep on road trips. #GotEm

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