Tuesday, October 30, 2012

NBA Preview: The Evster, Rev, Wibber and Feddderico Talk About Basketballing

Interesting that they gave Bud a jersey, but no shorts.

Welcome to the 3rd Annual TV Me Weef Wooches NBA Previewbs. Wow, third annual, can you believe it? Not that it’s been three years, but that I continue to churn out posts that have nothing to do with television my wife watches. THIS BLOG IS A TOTAL SHAM.

Today I’ve invited my three good friends, Rev, Wibber and Feddd to join me and provide their expert NBA insight. Rev is a contributing writer to The700Level.com (a Philly sports site), Wibber writes for Liberty Ballers (a Sixers site) and Feddd once cut himself on the nose during layup lines of a YMCA rec-game. After he noticed blood trickling, Feddd scurried off to the locker room and missed the entire first half -- we figured he had diarrhea.

All right, let’s talk about basketballs!

The City of Angels ... andddddddd herpes.
The Lakers Sure Do Have A Lot of Guys Who Are Good at Stuff
EVSTER: Thank GAWD Steve Nash cut his hair, he looks SO much better. I honestly can’t handle it when athletes – or any men for that matter – constantly have to push their hair back behind their ears with their first two fingers. It’s such an effeminate thing to do and no way for a point guard to act. I also can’t stand pretty much everyone from Los Angeles with their blonde hair and lightweight jackets. Why do people in LA even wear jackets?! And what’s with Nashy always licking his fingers? Gross! Although I’m guessing that really turns the ladies on. So that’s nice for him.
REV:  As I write this my wife is watching Real Housewives of Miami. Scottie Pippen’s wife used to be on this jawn, but now it’s just a bunch of women with these amazing Cuban accents. Dios mio do they roll their R’s. It’s so sexy. It’s not as sexy as Steve Nash being a Tottenham Hotspur fan, but damn. When I first met Evster he had a videotape of one of his high school basketball games when Kobe Bryant was his (and Feddd's) teammate. I think they were playing Ridley – it may have been some other school where the accepted second person plural is “youse”  – and the Ridley student announcers were all bonered up over Kobles. At one point Kobe drives the length of the court, rises up over like five dudes, does a 720° and rams. From that point forward the Ridley announcers simply referred to him as “Kah-bee Bry-ent, the Best Player in the Ligg”.
WIBBER: Steve Nash has great, great hair. When he was in Dallas, I thought for sure he was going bald. He had the floppy Pete Maravichesque look – the same haircut I rocked junior year of college when I wore black wrist bands and listened to Yellowcard – yet Nash pulled it off. It’s crap. And I don’t like how famous people can bypass the whole balding phase. Wayne Rooney, Nash, Jeremy Piven. (Seriously, remember PCU?) Years ago, they were just like me. I could relate. Now, they’re all combing their lives away.
FEDDD: Ev, you basically don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve been to Los Angeles like twice and you stayed in Westwood at least one of those times. The Lakers fans you see on TV – the ones who can afford good seats – are terrible. It’s mostly guys in white jeans and chicks with really muscular tits. Get outta here. Not everybody here has blonde hair. And light jackets are sensible as shit, you fat fuck.

(Evster's note: For the rec, I have been to Los Angeles FIVE TIMES.)

Amazing that there's no deodorant caked in their armpits.
The Clippers Be Ram Jammin’
EVSTER: There are a lot of great things to love about basketball -- no look passes, teamwork, big black men with big black dongers -- but there’s really nothing that beats a good ole fashioned Ram Jam, and no team ram jams like the Clips. Blake be rammin’, Deandre Jords rams, even little Eric Bleds occasionally skies for a rammalam. Chris Paul never rams though. That’s sad for him. Maybe that’s why he always seems so angry? The Clippers also have Matt Barnes now, who is a total lunatic. This is by far my favourite team in the history of basketball.
REV:  True story, Ev and I worked at NFL Films together making $3.62 an hour. We were also roommates. Our lone extravagance was the NBA League (Ligg if you’re from Ridley) Pass. We’d work crazy long hours during the season and then come home, get a bit Johnny Blazed and watch the Western Conference games. More often than not I’d insist on watching the Clips because they had Darius Miles, Quentin Richardson, Corey Maggette, Lamar Odom and the Polish Rifle (Eric Piatkowski). Also, the Clips and I were simpatico thanks to our proclivity for the demon weed. They had this announcer named Ralph Lawler who firmly believed that the first team to score 100 points would win. He coined this theory “Lawler’s Law”. I don’t think there is a single shred of statistical evidence to support this theory, but it’s a fact that you know nothing about the NBA if you don’t believe in Lawler’s Law.
WIBBER: The Clippers? Sorry, Ev, but I’m bearish. Strictly from a dunking perspective, I’m more partial to the Darius Miles/Lamar Odom outfit. Maybe it was the head tapping/’antennas’ thing they did post-dunk, which was replicated by every high school CYO team in the greater Philadelphia area after a lay-up. (Evster's note: my high school team did this.) Or perhaps it was my utmost respect for Frankie Muniz’ work on Malcolm in the Middle. Either way. And I think Blake Griffin is a bit of a weenie.
FEDDD: I went to a couple of Clippers games last season and in one of them Blake Griffin dunked so hard he gave my wife diarrhea. Now I have never been married, but I’m trying to illustrate that B.G. is the most impressive physical presence since Dr. J., which is short for Dr. Janesco, the very fit gastroenterologist who treated my wife’s diarrhea.

Something? Anything? Or just racist?
Andrew Bynum is Really Tall and That’s Nice For Him and That’s Nice for the Sixers, Too – Hopefully He Plays More Than 11 Games
EVSTER: My friend International John is a med student over at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine (that’s where the Sixers practice) and he told me bumped into Bynum the other day on campus and that Bynum is a MONSTER. And Internash isn’t one of those people who is an idiot and has no experience with tall people, he’s training to become a DOCTOR and said he’s seen Spencer Hawes like, four times. He also tries to sleep with pretty much every chick he meets. I love him.
REV:  Fact: New Sixer Nick Young calls himself “Swaggy P”. Fact: That’s a horseshit nickname. The best Sixers nickname of all time is either “The Boston Strangler” or “Chocolate Thunder”. It’s a fact – just like Lawler’s Law. I am legitimately excited for the Sixies this season. I can confirm International John’s astute scouting opinion that Andrew Bynum is tall, which I understand to be an advantage in the sport of basketball. Also, I like dunkshots.
WIBBER: I love when an announcer/pundit/talking head says a player “is a legit seven feet.” Andrew Bynum is a legit seven feet. Evan, you are a not legit seven feet, because you’re like 5’10”. I don’t care if Bynum only plays five games this year. I’d still give him a max contract. You can’t teach size, et al.
FEDDD: Now entering Bum City! Population Andrew Bynum! I’ve watched this guy play for a few years, and here are a few things you might not know about him. 1) He just turned 13. 2) He is the size of 4 regular guys glued together or 1 regular guy and 1 buffalo. 3) He is kind of a huge bum. When he’s fired up, he’s a force, but he is basically never fired up. Who knows, maybe he gets to shine in Philly and comes alive. But the Sixers would probably be better off signing 1 regular guy and 1 buffalo. “Hey, Snorty, you’re in!” How cute, right?

Thisssssssssss looks good.
The Knicks Signed Rasheed Wallace – REPEAT – The Knicks Signed Rasheed Wallace!
EVSTER: Let’s play a little game. It’s called: Who is NOT on the New York Knicks? Ready? Jason Kidd, Baron Davis, Carmelly, Amare, Tyson Chands, Steve Noves, RASHEED WALLACE, Raymond Felts, Iman Shumps, J.R. Smitty, Marcus Cambys, Kurt Thomas, George Forzengorvsten. The correct answer? George Forzengorvsten. Isn’t that cray?!?!
REV:  Whenever I do my Stephen A. Smith impression I say, “The Noo Yark Knicks are tahrible. Howevah…”
WIBBER: The Knicks are a complete disaster. If they weren’t in New York, nobody would care and they would just be the Bucks. And, thus, in Milwaukee. They’re boring, one-dimensional, and have 82 games of Carmelo contested jumpers to look forward to. But the Heat have to play someone in the first round I guess.
FEDDD: Years ago, I went to a summer-league game at Temple University where some Sixers prospects were supposed to show off their shit. A.I. and Rashy, who were already NBA stars, showed up unexpectedly and played on the SAME TEAM. On a fast break, Iverson threw an alley-oop off the backboard and ‘Sheed windmill jammed it and my whole family had diarrhea for a month. This Knicks team sounds terrible, but they would hands-down beat any NBA squad in a half-court playground tournament NO QUESTION.



How do I not own this t-shirt?
Delonte West Got Kicked Off the Mavs – Would You Sign Him?
EVSTER: Yes! I love crazy people! Here’s my list of the craziest basketball players: Matt Barnes (legit bonkers), Delonte West (legit takes meds!), Birdman (legit worst tattoos), Royce White (legit crazy, like clinically crazy, which is sad for him), Russell Westbrook (crazy mood swings), Teen Wolf (half man half wolf half pepperoni!).
(I forgot about Rondo!)
REV:  Loosely translated I believe “Delonte” means “Of or From Lonte”. I have no idea where Lonte is but I like to think it’s a fictional world where NBA players are free to go off their medication, drive their three-wheeled motorcycles at high rates of speed while carrying a guitar case full of guns and ammunition, and allegedly sleep with the mother of your then teammate and widely accepted best player in the league (again, Ligg if you’re from Ridley). So, yes. Please sign Delonte West.
WIBBER: Delonte? No. Doug West? Yes.
FEDDD: This Delonte West story is sad. I hope he finds meds that work for him and gets his career back on track, you fat fuck.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES CAN SUCK MY CRANKKKKK.
James Harden Got Traded and Now Gets to Play with Jeremy Lin – That’s Something, Right?
EVSTER: On Saturday night I saw my brother and was like, “YO LON, JAMES HARDEN GOT TRADED!” and he was like, “BIG DEAL!” which led me to believe that my brother has never actually seen James Harden play basketball and that I needed to find other people to talk about basketball with. Hence, this blogpost.
REV:  James Harden went to Arizona State. Little known fact, Rev attended ASU for an entire semester. Phoenix/Tempe is the weirdest place in the world. It’s way weirder than Lonte. The public access television there is out of control. Libertarians drop acid, set up a lawn chair in front of an American flag and proceed to make television magic. Speaking of magic, Harden has a magical beard. I have a beard. James Harden and I are essentially beard brothers. To answer the initial question, yes this is something. 
WIBBER: I didn’t know you had a brother. I love Harden’s game. I love Harden’s beard. I know this is sacrilegious, but I think prefer Harden’s beard to Rev’s. Is that wrong? Should I have kept that to myself? Should I expect a strongly-worded email from Rev in 7 to 10 business days after he finally hires a birthing coach?
(Evster's note: I wrote a 30,000 word blog post about my brother's new baby son and his new circumcised dork. Thanks for never reading this blog, Wibber.)
FEDDD: I didn’t know Harden had been traded but it sounds dumb. His game-slash-overall vibe was a nice complement to Durant and Westbrook. I think this will have repercussions on the court, where Harden was a galvanizing presence, and in the locker room, where he was famous for never having diarrhea. (I’m sorry. Ev said this would be a quick thing. There are like 30 questions.)
 
 
Just Rajon Rondo roller skating with a little girl ... NBD.
Rajon Rondo … Thoughts?
EVSTER: Love him. Poss my favourite basketball player of all-time. Besides Uncle Drew.
REV:  It makes no sense that I dislike his game considering he may be the only NBA player I could beat in a jump shooting contest. I have a turrible jumper. Rondo’s is worse. I do like his little dipsy-doo fake behind the back pass move. He’s also an incredibly interesting looking human being. I am pretty sure his parents were Muppets.
WIBBER: (Evster's note: Wibber did not respond to this question. I'm not sure if he ignored it on purpose or if he just wanted to throw me a curve ball when I was copying and pasting replies into the blorg. He also sent all of his responses to me in the body of an email as opposed to just pasting them in the simple and easy-to-use Word doc that I provided -- hence why the font in this post looks so weird. I wasn't able to figure out how to change it. Wibber is poss banned from this blorg.)
FEDDD: Supreme talent, but hands-down the guy I’m most thankful I did not play with in high school. He looks super mean sometimes and I bet he’s careless with his words. No thank you.

Double breasted.
Is Brooklyn in the House? … Without a Doubt
EVSTER: I think it’s nice that Brooklyn has a team and that they let Kris Humf play with them and the whole NY rivalry thing is kinda cool, but I have yet to meet one person from Brooklyn who was not either A) a Hasidic Jew ... B) on their way back from the market with a French baguette ... or C) pregnant … and that’s no recipe for a fan base.
REV:  During timeouts the Nets should only play crowd pump up videos from Do The Right Thing. You could have Giancarlo Esposito yelling at Danny Aiello, “Sal, how come ya ain't got no brothas up on the wall?” Then the Nets crowd could chant “Sal, how come ya ain't got no brothas up on the wall” over and over while Jay-Z does something awesome courtside.

WIBBER: I don’t think I’ve ever been to Brooklyn. I usually just head right to Times Square and walk around in a giant circle. There’s usually a large map involved. I think I had dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s.
FEDDD: My mom is from Brooklyn, you pretentious fuck.

Check out your boy, #0!
What, whatttttt!
So Who Ya Think Gone Win the Chammmmpionship?
EVSTER: I mean, it’s clearly the Heat. LeBronski is just sooooooo good at basketball. Did you know a guy named Jeremy Evans won the slam dunk contest last year? That’s embarrassing.
REV:  I’ll take the Lakers despite there not being a whole lot of lakes in Los Angeles.
WIBBER: Sixers in 7. Nick Young for the win ……….. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
FEDDD: DAY 6 OF THIS QUESTIONAIRE. Probably the Heat. They stink. I’m rooting for the Lakers. Can’t wait for Ev's buddy Randazzo or Serpico or A.J. Knucklez or whatever the fuck his name is to heckle me in the comments like the last time I contributed to this site.

And now for the most exciting 3 minutes of your goddamn life:





You can follow Rev (@Rev215) and Wibber (@wheresbenrivera) on Twitter. Feddd is also secretly on Twitter, but didn't want me to give out his Twitter account, because he's currently on a tweeting hiatus and doesn't want people to know he's alive. Kind of like Tupac, but in a much lamer, more boring way. You can also follow me here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you can watch this video of a fox eating marshmallows.

6 comments:

  1. Why can't this be Rev's blog?

    Feddd is boring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TV and Sports That Rev Watches!

      Check if @TVASTRW is available on Twitter!

      Delete
  2. Didn't Feddd also cut his face while playing one-on-none nerf basketball in his bedroom?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hahaha LOL I laughed so hard I squirted bloody diarrhea all over my wife. Which, ironically, worked out okay with it being Halloween and all. Thanks! And go Clippers!

    ReplyDelete