Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Animals My Wife Likes: Foxes

Nice foliage.

Yesterday, at approximately 6:35pm EST, I saw a fox.

It was the first fox I'd ever seen in my life and it was friggin' amazing.

During my first 35 years on this earth, I've been fortunate to see a lot of interesting creatures ...

- a 3-legged dog
- a white person with a mustache
- an albino who ate a meatball sandwich (fascinating)

... but never a fox.

Until yesterday!

This fox that I saw was such a fox!

He looked kinda like a dog, but also sort of like a very very very small deer, but he also looked just like a fox. He had a long, furry, cute nose and a bushy tail and I really wanted to hug him and go nose-to-nose with him but I recognize that if I did that he probably would've ate my nose which would've made me sad because I like my nose and I like smelling things and I wouldn't want to be mad at a fox.

No clue where the camera is. No clue.

Now let's be perfectly honest with each other, it was no coincidence that I saw this fox. God (otherwise known as David Blaine) wanted me to see a fox -- and a perfect wave of events had to occur in order for me to cross paths with Mr. Fox.

You see, I had not planned on seeing a fox yesterday. I had not planned on doing anything yesterday. On my way home from work, I was planning to take my pants off, eat my leftover Italian hoagie and watch TV alllllllll nightttttttttt longgggggg, but as I made my way home, my wife called.

MY WIFE:  Evy?

When my wife calls me "Evy," you know she's had a bad day.

MY WIFE:  What are we gonna have for dinner tonight?

This question is much different than, "What do you want for dinner tonight?" What do you want for dinner means, "Hey, I'm excited to come home and make dinner for us and I love life," whereas "What are we gonna have ..." means, "There's no food in the house and I need you to make me something because my blood sugar is low and I just rode the subway next to a white guy with a mustache and it was terrifying please help me."

ME:  I dunno, I was thinkin' about maybe having my leftov...

MY WIFE:  Can we have egg salad?

Now this doesn't mean, "Can we have egg salad?" this means, "Can you make me some egg salad?" and the answer of course was "yes" because when my wife is down and she needs me to do something for her, I come through, because I'm a loving husband and an egg salad master and I once saw my wife stab a real-life Korean woman right in the neck she totally shanked her there was blood everywhere it was unbelievable please help me I'm so scared every day I live in fear please help this is not a joke you should see the look in her eyes sometimes I'm kidding honey I love you very much please help please kidding again honey hahahaha no seriously please there's so many knives in our house can't wait to watch The Voice tonight honey so much blood everywhere Cee Lo is so funny can't wait for tonight lol help me God help me.

So there I was walkin' home, now saddled with the responsibility of making egg salad and also picking up mayonnaise because we were out. So I had to stop at Wawa to get some, but here's the thing ... AND THIS IS THE KEY PART OF THE STORY .... Wawa doesn't carry Hellman's mayonnaise!

WAWA DOESN'T CARRY HELLMAN'S MAYONNAISE!

They only carry Kraft mayonnaise (in a squeeze bottle, which is no way to run a mayonnaise shop), so I had to leave Wawa empty-handed, go home, get my car and drive to the supermarket -- which allowed me to see the fox!!!

Here's some information about foxes:

- Foxes are nocturnal
- Foxes have monogamous relationships with their mates from Winter to the following Fall
- Most foxes only live to be about three years old, which is sad for them
- The biggest fox ever was 476 feet long, his name was Keith
- There's a book called Fox in Socks about a fox who wears socks, but foxes don't really wear socks which is very sad, because sometimes socks are nice to wear and people shouldn't write books that lie to me

Here are my favourite foxes:


#94 Matthew Fox


Quite a grip you got there, Matty. 


#33 Rick Fox


Get over yourself, Foxy!

By the by, Foxy's real name ............ Ulrich!

Seriously!


#12 Vivica A. Fox


HOW IS SHE ONLY #12???

THIS BLOG IS A SHAM!!!

Also, did you know that Viv played Jazz's sister on Fresh Prince of Bel Air???

NOW WHADDYA THINK OF THIS BLOG???

DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!

#11 This Fox


He's so well behaved.

#10 Redd Foxx


I seriously can't believe how good-looking Rick Fox is I hate him.  


#9 Fleet Foxes



Why are these white people ranked so high? I'm reranking. Fleet Foxes are now #41.  


#8 Fantastic Mr. Fox


Now that's a nice looking fox. 

And yes, I know it's not a real fox.


#7 This Fox


You're telling me you don't wanna go nose-to-nose with this guy?

I think his name is Larry.

I love him.


#6 Jamie Foxx


Heyyyyyyyy ... 


#5 Alex P. Keaton


I don't know what's going on here, but I bet it's hilarious.


#4 Bagels and Lox


I'm sorry.


#3 Megan Fox



Did she just get off a waterslide? What's with the blue bracelet?


#2 The aforementioned Fox in Socks


He's wearing socks!


#1 The Ill Nana



I want her to kick me in the throat!






There's really no good reason why I'm writing about foxes and mayonnaise and not the breakups of Emily and Jef, and Tank Top Tony and Blakely. I'm really sorry. I'm gonna try to write about them soon. To make it up to you, here's an awesome Halloween costume that some kid made.

7 comments:

  1. If you really want to go nose-to-nose w/ a fox, I think you should think about this fox (it's tamer than shit!)...

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domesticated_silver_fox

    Oh and here's a pic of me w/ my fox, Keith...

    http://kpbs.media.clients.ellingtoncms.com/img/photos/2010/11/05/nova-dogs-fox_t700.jpg?f40c0e74b997dbb01ce524758e0d04a31382c8af

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is amazing!

      Is this real????

      If so, I'd totally like to interview you for this blog!

      Holla at me: TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com

      Delete
  2. An email I received from my mother this morning:

    "Actually saw a fox the other week running behind Diane's house!!!!
    We also saw a fox (you were with us) when we were in Tennessee after we dropped Lon off at toulaine. - Yo ma"

    Evster's note: toulaine = Tulane ... where my brother went to school for a year before flunking out.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Also always awesome when you're the only person who has commented on your own blog.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. I'm commenting just for the sake of commenting and b/c I feel sorry for you b/c only one person commented on this post. I found it hilarious (as usual).

      Seriously, is that really a fox in her pic? Did she ever respond to you? Make a career out of fox social media pics like those weirdos who make a living out of crazy cat pics.

      Delete