Tuesday, October 30, 2012

NBA Preview: The Evster, Rev, Wibber and Feddderico Talk About Basketballing

Interesting that they gave Bud a jersey, but no shorts.

Welcome to the 3rd Annual TV Me Weef Wooches NBA Previewbs. Wow, third annual, can you believe it? Not that it’s been three years, but that I continue to churn out posts that have nothing to do with television my wife watches. THIS BLOG IS A TOTAL SHAM.

Today I’ve invited my three good friends, Rev, Wibber and Feddd to join me and provide their expert NBA insight. Rev is a contributing writer to The700Level.com (a Philly sports site), Wibber writes for Liberty Ballers (a Sixers site) and Feddd once cut himself on the nose during layup lines of a YMCA rec-game. After he noticed blood trickling, Feddd scurried off to the locker room and missed the entire first half -- we figured he had diarrhea.

All right, let’s talk about basketballs!

The City of Angels ... andddddddd herpes.
The Lakers Sure Do Have A Lot of Guys Who Are Good at Stuff
EVSTER: Thank GAWD Steve Nash cut his hair, he looks SO much better. I honestly can’t handle it when athletes – or any men for that matter – constantly have to push their hair back behind their ears with their first two fingers. It’s such an effeminate thing to do and no way for a point guard to act. I also can’t stand pretty much everyone from Los Angeles with their blonde hair and lightweight jackets. Why do people in LA even wear jackets?! And what’s with Nashy always licking his fingers? Gross! Although I’m guessing that really turns the ladies on. So that’s nice for him.
REV:  As I write this my wife is watching Real Housewives of Miami. Scottie Pippen’s wife used to be on this jawn, but now it’s just a bunch of women with these amazing Cuban accents. Dios mio do they roll their R’s. It’s so sexy. It’s not as sexy as Steve Nash being a Tottenham Hotspur fan, but damn. When I first met Evster he had a videotape of one of his high school basketball games when Kobe Bryant was his (and Feddd's) teammate. I think they were playing Ridley – it may have been some other school where the accepted second person plural is “youse”  – and the Ridley student announcers were all bonered up over Kobles. At one point Kobe drives the length of the court, rises up over like five dudes, does a 720° and rams. From that point forward the Ridley announcers simply referred to him as “Kah-bee Bry-ent, the Best Player in the Ligg”.
WIBBER: Steve Nash has great, great hair. When he was in Dallas, I thought for sure he was going bald. He had the floppy Pete Maravichesque look – the same haircut I rocked junior year of college when I wore black wrist bands and listened to Yellowcard – yet Nash pulled it off. It’s crap. And I don’t like how famous people can bypass the whole balding phase. Wayne Rooney, Nash, Jeremy Piven. (Seriously, remember PCU?) Years ago, they were just like me. I could relate. Now, they’re all combing their lives away.
FEDDD: Ev, you basically don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve been to Los Angeles like twice and you stayed in Westwood at least one of those times. The Lakers fans you see on TV – the ones who can afford good seats – are terrible. It’s mostly guys in white jeans and chicks with really muscular tits. Get outta here. Not everybody here has blonde hair. And light jackets are sensible as shit, you fat fuck.

(Evster's note: For the rec, I have been to Los Angeles FIVE TIMES.)

Amazing that there's no deodorant caked in their armpits.
The Clippers Be Ram Jammin’
EVSTER: There are a lot of great things to love about basketball -- no look passes, teamwork, big black men with big black dongers -- but there’s really nothing that beats a good ole fashioned Ram Jam, and no team ram jams like the Clips. Blake be rammin’, Deandre Jords rams, even little Eric Bleds occasionally skies for a rammalam. Chris Paul never rams though. That’s sad for him. Maybe that’s why he always seems so angry? The Clippers also have Matt Barnes now, who is a total lunatic. This is by far my favourite team in the history of basketball.
REV:  True story, Ev and I worked at NFL Films together making $3.62 an hour. We were also roommates. Our lone extravagance was the NBA League (Ligg if you’re from Ridley) Pass. We’d work crazy long hours during the season and then come home, get a bit Johnny Blazed and watch the Western Conference games. More often than not I’d insist on watching the Clips because they had Darius Miles, Quentin Richardson, Corey Maggette, Lamar Odom and the Polish Rifle (Eric Piatkowski). Also, the Clips and I were simpatico thanks to our proclivity for the demon weed. They had this announcer named Ralph Lawler who firmly believed that the first team to score 100 points would win. He coined this theory “Lawler’s Law”. I don’t think there is a single shred of statistical evidence to support this theory, but it’s a fact that you know nothing about the NBA if you don’t believe in Lawler’s Law.
WIBBER: The Clippers? Sorry, Ev, but I’m bearish. Strictly from a dunking perspective, I’m more partial to the Darius Miles/Lamar Odom outfit. Maybe it was the head tapping/’antennas’ thing they did post-dunk, which was replicated by every high school CYO team in the greater Philadelphia area after a lay-up. (Evster's note: my high school team did this.) Or perhaps it was my utmost respect for Frankie Muniz’ work on Malcolm in the Middle. Either way. And I think Blake Griffin is a bit of a weenie.
FEDDD: I went to a couple of Clippers games last season and in one of them Blake Griffin dunked so hard he gave my wife diarrhea. Now I have never been married, but I’m trying to illustrate that B.G. is the most impressive physical presence since Dr. J., which is short for Dr. Janesco, the very fit gastroenterologist who treated my wife’s diarrhea.

Something? Anything? Or just racist?
Andrew Bynum is Really Tall and That’s Nice For Him and That’s Nice for the Sixers, Too – Hopefully He Plays More Than 11 Games
EVSTER: My friend International John is a med student over at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine (that’s where the Sixers practice) and he told me bumped into Bynum the other day on campus and that Bynum is a MONSTER. And Internash isn’t one of those people who is an idiot and has no experience with tall people, he’s training to become a DOCTOR and said he’s seen Spencer Hawes like, four times. He also tries to sleep with pretty much every chick he meets. I love him.
REV:  Fact: New Sixer Nick Young calls himself “Swaggy P”. Fact: That’s a horseshit nickname. The best Sixers nickname of all time is either “The Boston Strangler” or “Chocolate Thunder”. It’s a fact – just like Lawler’s Law. I am legitimately excited for the Sixies this season. I can confirm International John’s astute scouting opinion that Andrew Bynum is tall, which I understand to be an advantage in the sport of basketball. Also, I like dunkshots.
WIBBER: I love when an announcer/pundit/talking head says a player “is a legit seven feet.” Andrew Bynum is a legit seven feet. Evan, you are a not legit seven feet, because you’re like 5’10”. I don’t care if Bynum only plays five games this year. I’d still give him a max contract. You can’t teach size, et al.
FEDDD: Now entering Bum City! Population Andrew Bynum! I’ve watched this guy play for a few years, and here are a few things you might not know about him. 1) He just turned 13. 2) He is the size of 4 regular guys glued together or 1 regular guy and 1 buffalo. 3) He is kind of a huge bum. When he’s fired up, he’s a force, but he is basically never fired up. Who knows, maybe he gets to shine in Philly and comes alive. But the Sixers would probably be better off signing 1 regular guy and 1 buffalo. “Hey, Snorty, you’re in!” How cute, right?

Thisssssssssss looks good.
The Knicks Signed Rasheed Wallace – REPEAT – The Knicks Signed Rasheed Wallace!
EVSTER: Let’s play a little game. It’s called: Who is NOT on the New York Knicks? Ready? Jason Kidd, Baron Davis, Carmelly, Amare, Tyson Chands, Steve Noves, RASHEED WALLACE, Raymond Felts, Iman Shumps, J.R. Smitty, Marcus Cambys, Kurt Thomas, George Forzengorvsten. The correct answer? George Forzengorvsten. Isn’t that cray?!?!
REV:  Whenever I do my Stephen A. Smith impression I say, “The Noo Yark Knicks are tahrible. Howevah…”
WIBBER: The Knicks are a complete disaster. If they weren’t in New York, nobody would care and they would just be the Bucks. And, thus, in Milwaukee. They’re boring, one-dimensional, and have 82 games of Carmelo contested jumpers to look forward to. But the Heat have to play someone in the first round I guess.
FEDDD: Years ago, I went to a summer-league game at Temple University where some Sixers prospects were supposed to show off their shit. A.I. and Rashy, who were already NBA stars, showed up unexpectedly and played on the SAME TEAM. On a fast break, Iverson threw an alley-oop off the backboard and ‘Sheed windmill jammed it and my whole family had diarrhea for a month. This Knicks team sounds terrible, but they would hands-down beat any NBA squad in a half-court playground tournament NO QUESTION.



How do I not own this t-shirt?
Delonte West Got Kicked Off the Mavs – Would You Sign Him?
EVSTER: Yes! I love crazy people! Here’s my list of the craziest basketball players: Matt Barnes (legit bonkers), Delonte West (legit takes meds!), Birdman (legit worst tattoos), Royce White (legit crazy, like clinically crazy, which is sad for him), Russell Westbrook (crazy mood swings), Teen Wolf (half man half wolf half pepperoni!).
(I forgot about Rondo!)
REV:  Loosely translated I believe “Delonte” means “Of or From Lonte”. I have no idea where Lonte is but I like to think it’s a fictional world where NBA players are free to go off their medication, drive their three-wheeled motorcycles at high rates of speed while carrying a guitar case full of guns and ammunition, and allegedly sleep with the mother of your then teammate and widely accepted best player in the league (again, Ligg if you’re from Ridley). So, yes. Please sign Delonte West.
WIBBER: Delonte? No. Doug West? Yes.
FEDDD: This Delonte West story is sad. I hope he finds meds that work for him and gets his career back on track, you fat fuck.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES CAN SUCK MY CRANKKKKK.
James Harden Got Traded and Now Gets to Play with Jeremy Lin – That’s Something, Right?
EVSTER: On Saturday night I saw my brother and was like, “YO LON, JAMES HARDEN GOT TRADED!” and he was like, “BIG DEAL!” which led me to believe that my brother has never actually seen James Harden play basketball and that I needed to find other people to talk about basketball with. Hence, this blogpost.
REV:  James Harden went to Arizona State. Little known fact, Rev attended ASU for an entire semester. Phoenix/Tempe is the weirdest place in the world. It’s way weirder than Lonte. The public access television there is out of control. Libertarians drop acid, set up a lawn chair in front of an American flag and proceed to make television magic. Speaking of magic, Harden has a magical beard. I have a beard. James Harden and I are essentially beard brothers. To answer the initial question, yes this is something. 
WIBBER: I didn’t know you had a brother. I love Harden’s game. I love Harden’s beard. I know this is sacrilegious, but I think prefer Harden’s beard to Rev’s. Is that wrong? Should I have kept that to myself? Should I expect a strongly-worded email from Rev in 7 to 10 business days after he finally hires a birthing coach?
(Evster's note: I wrote a 30,000 word blog post about my brother's new baby son and his new circumcised dork. Thanks for never reading this blog, Wibber.)
FEDDD: I didn’t know Harden had been traded but it sounds dumb. His game-slash-overall vibe was a nice complement to Durant and Westbrook. I think this will have repercussions on the court, where Harden was a galvanizing presence, and in the locker room, where he was famous for never having diarrhea. (I’m sorry. Ev said this would be a quick thing. There are like 30 questions.)
 
 
Just Rajon Rondo roller skating with a little girl ... NBD.
Rajon Rondo … Thoughts?
EVSTER: Love him. Poss my favourite basketball player of all-time. Besides Uncle Drew.
REV:  It makes no sense that I dislike his game considering he may be the only NBA player I could beat in a jump shooting contest. I have a turrible jumper. Rondo’s is worse. I do like his little dipsy-doo fake behind the back pass move. He’s also an incredibly interesting looking human being. I am pretty sure his parents were Muppets.
WIBBER: (Evster's note: Wibber did not respond to this question. I'm not sure if he ignored it on purpose or if he just wanted to throw me a curve ball when I was copying and pasting replies into the blorg. He also sent all of his responses to me in the body of an email as opposed to just pasting them in the simple and easy-to-use Word doc that I provided -- hence why the font in this post looks so weird. I wasn't able to figure out how to change it. Wibber is poss banned from this blorg.)
FEDDD: Supreme talent, but hands-down the guy I’m most thankful I did not play with in high school. He looks super mean sometimes and I bet he’s careless with his words. No thank you.

Double breasted.
Is Brooklyn in the House? … Without a Doubt
EVSTER: I think it’s nice that Brooklyn has a team and that they let Kris Humf play with them and the whole NY rivalry thing is kinda cool, but I have yet to meet one person from Brooklyn who was not either A) a Hasidic Jew ... B) on their way back from the market with a French baguette ... or C) pregnant … and that’s no recipe for a fan base.
REV:  During timeouts the Nets should only play crowd pump up videos from Do The Right Thing. You could have Giancarlo Esposito yelling at Danny Aiello, “Sal, how come ya ain't got no brothas up on the wall?” Then the Nets crowd could chant “Sal, how come ya ain't got no brothas up on the wall” over and over while Jay-Z does something awesome courtside.

WIBBER: I don’t think I’ve ever been to Brooklyn. I usually just head right to Times Square and walk around in a giant circle. There’s usually a large map involved. I think I had dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s.
FEDDD: My mom is from Brooklyn, you pretentious fuck.

Check out your boy, #0!
What, whatttttt!
So Who Ya Think Gone Win the Chammmmpionship?
EVSTER: I mean, it’s clearly the Heat. LeBronski is just sooooooo good at basketball. Did you know a guy named Jeremy Evans won the slam dunk contest last year? That’s embarrassing.
REV:  I’ll take the Lakers despite there not being a whole lot of lakes in Los Angeles.
WIBBER: Sixers in 7. Nick Young for the win ……….. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
FEDDD: DAY 6 OF THIS QUESTIONAIRE. Probably the Heat. They stink. I’m rooting for the Lakers. Can’t wait for Ev's buddy Randazzo or Serpico or A.J. Knucklez or whatever the fuck his name is to heckle me in the comments like the last time I contributed to this site.

And now for the most exciting 3 minutes of your goddamn life:





You can follow Rev (@Rev215) and Wibber (@wheresbenrivera) on Twitter. Feddd is also secretly on Twitter, but didn't want me to give out his Twitter account, because he's currently on a tweeting hiatus and doesn't want people to know he's alive. Kind of like Tupac, but in a much lamer, more boring way. You can also follow me here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr you can watch this video of a fox eating marshmallows.

Video: Worth Watching, Just Watch It, It's 18 Friggin' Seconds Long



Click away.

Monday, October 29, 2012

The Weather Channel: Hurricane Sandles

This looks good.

GUY IN STUDIO:  Hi! I'm a guy who's wearing a very clean shirt. I couldn't be warmer or more comfortable. Let's send it out to this other guy -- who's not nearly as good-looking as I am -- live from the beach in Point Pleasant, New Jersey.

REPORTER IN NJ:  THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR ME TO BE OUT HERE. AS YOU CAN SEE FROM SIMPLY LOOKING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW, IT'S RAINING A LOT. I'M HONESTLY SO COLD. IF MY BOSS IS WATCHING, PLEASE SIR, PLEASE LET ME GO HOME NOW. WHY IS IT THAT THIS ENTIRE STATE IS ALLOWED TO EVACUATE BUT ME? TELL MY WIFE THAT I LOVE HER VERY MUCH.

GUY IN STUDIO:  What can you tell us about Sandy's storm surges? That's a term I just learned. "Storm surges." Try saying that ten times fast. Storm surges storm surges storm surges storm surg ... it's actually not that hard.

REPORTER IN NJ:  I CANNOT HEAR ONE WORD THAT YOU'RE SAYING. DO YOU NOT SEE THESE ROARING WINDS? THEY'RE ROARING. THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT A METEOROLOGIST WHO IS NOT QUITE AS GOOD-LOOKING AS OTHER METEOROLOGISTS. IT'S STILL RAINING SO, SO HARD. I HOPE YOU PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING YOUR SHELTER. CHILDREN, DO NOT GO INTO METEOROLOGY UNLESS YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD-LOOKING. I WOULD LOVE A HOT BOWL OF SOUP RIGHT NOW. DOESN'T EVEN MATTER WHAT KIND OF SOUP. I'D TAKE ANY SOUP. EVEN ONE WITH BARLEY IN IT. I DON'T REALLY HAVE A WIFE. I'M SO SAD.

GUY IN STUDIO:  Thanks guy in Point Plez, let's take you now to some lady in New York City who seems to be in a good mood -- completely oblivious that she may die at any moment.

CUTE JEWISH'Y LOOKING LADY IN MANHATTAN:  Hey everybodys! I'm having a great time out here! As you can see the Hudson River is pretty much about to swallow me into it, but I'm wearing a wet suit, so that's nice for me. Let's send it out to Chris Christie, who's about to talk about some stuff.

CHRIS CHRISTIE:  Everyone. EVERYONE! I'm wearing a fleece. It has my name on it. Don't be stupid. Put your name on things.

GUY IN STUDIO:  That's a really good point. I have my initials monogrammed on these gold cufflinks that my gorgeous wife gave me for our third anniversary. I also have four really beautiful, blonde-haired children. Their names are Bladen, Blockland, Nayvin and Thayer. Now let's take a look at the radar with our hurricane expert, this other really nice-looking, fit guy.

HURRICANE EXPERT:  As you can see every single arrow on this map is pointing exactly to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. See this wind system right here? The one that's a much darker shade of purple than anything else on this map? Yeah, that's headed right for Philadelphia. It sure is cozy in this studio.

GUY IN STUDIO:  Let's go to a commercial so we can get some soup.

HURRICANE EXPERT:  Great idear!

High fives other guy, both men hold onto the other guy's hand and start making out hardcore.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Cheryl Burke from Dancing With John Lars

Okay, no joke: those are the smoothest armpits of allllllll time.

Last night, my wife and I checked out around ten minutes of Dancing With the Stars All Stars Stars Edition Under the Stars. 

And as we were watching, I thought, "Wow, I can't believe I ever watched this show!" and then three minutes later I thought, "This show is incredible I'm blogging about it tomorrow!" and then three minutes after that I thought, "Why the hell don't I take more bubble baths they're so relaxing!" and then I went upstairs to draw a bath, but saw that our tub was kinda dirty and clearly I wasn't about to get on my hands and knees and scrub-a-dubb-dubb, so here we are a day later with this Wednesday's Wifey: Cheryl Bubble Bath Burke!



In 2011, Cheryl wrote an autobiography called Dancing Lessons: How I Found Passion and Potential On the Dance Floor and in Life. Not the worst title, but also not the best.

The best title is Dancing Lessons: How I Paso Doble'd My Way Into the Hearts and Farts of America. No, that's not the best. The best is Dancing Lessons: Slurpin' and Burpin' All the Way to the Top. No, that's not it either. What about Dancing Lessons: The Story of a Young Minnesota Farm Girl and Her Minnesota Farm Bush. No. Dancing Lessons: Just Go Ahead and Turn to the Middle of the Book to See the Nice Glossy Photos, I Know You Want To. Okay, I'm gonna move on. Dancing Lessons: Just Sitting Sideways on a White Leather Couch, Not That Big of a Deal.

In the first chapter of Dancing Lessons, Cheryl describes herself as:

I've always been kind of a play-by-the-rules kinda girl; I tend to like things structured, predictable and sometimes even a little boring

Hmmmmm, that's probably the most disappointing introduction in the history of literature. I mean, think about it, if Cheryl had written the complete opposite in her opening statement, how intrigued would you be?

I've always been kind of a break-the-rules kinda girl; I tend to like things chaotic, unpredictable and sometimes even a little bonkers.

So right away it's clear that Cheryl has no idea how to market herself. Either that, or she's just being coy. Maybe play-by-the-rules kinda gals are secretly the most freaky-deaky?

Emmitt Smith, what do you think about Cheryl Burke claiming to be boring?



Just your standard red vest/pants combo on the all-time leading rusher in NFL history.

NBD!

I honestly doubt if Cheryl is as boring as she says she is. I mean, does a boring girl do thisssss???




Yo, check out Rob Kardash straight sniffing Cheryl. I think he's trying to go nose-to-nose with her!

Speaking of nose-to-nose, do you know about going skin-on-skin? Apparently going skin-on-skin is a type of child rearing where you spend some time every day holding your baby to your bare chest. It helps nurture the baby or give it vitamin C or something. My brother is WAY INTO going skin-on-skin with his newborn son. Every time I call him he's going skin-on-skin. I've never seen a right butt like Cheryl's.





Now we're getting somewhere!

That's a little unpredictable. You wouldn't expect a world-class dancer to be sucking down ciggies. You wouldn't really expect anyone to be sucking down cigs. It's 2012! Who still smokes cigs???




There we go. Back to good ole, boring-ass, sideways sittin' Cheryl. That could actually be a great name for a pornski: Sideways Sittin' Sheryl.




Or even better, Sheryl Sits Side Saddle.

That horse looks amazing by the way. I'd totally go skin-on-skin with him.

That also looks like the nicest weather in the history of weather.




Cheryl's goes skin-on-skin with her current boyfriend, pro hockey player, Joffrey Lupul. I like Joff -- partially because he used to be on the Flyers, and partially because you can totally see his dork pressing against those pants.

And notice Joffrey's right arm wrapped around Senorita Side Saddle -- strongggg move. My friend Meg once gave me some GREAT advice for when I was going out with a chick: When you hold the door for your woman, put your hand on her lower back and guide her through the door -- soft enough to where it's not really a move, but firm enough to let her know that your dork is pressed against your pants for a reason.



Of course, Joffrey's name is Joffrey, which brings to mind possibly the most evil character in the history of television. But check out young Joff here! He looks so sweet! His parents probably went skin-to-skin with him on the regg.

Anddddddd he's wearing a pocket tee!

Actually, that's more of a pocket sweater!

Fascinating!




Not sure if Joffrey Lupul (who is Canadian) quite understands Halloween. Is he dressed up as Ahab here? Is he the kid from Home Improvement? Is he Kurt Cobain? Wait, he is Kurt Cobain. That's actually a pretty good costume.



That's not boring!!!

That is not boring!!!

Also, peep the nametag ...

MAJ. TROUBLE!



Young Cheryl as a belly dancer?

A little predictable.




Young King Joff knows about pressing his dork against his pants and going skin-on-skin!



First down!



Third and 11 inches!



I have the same Emmitt Smith decal painted on the bottom of my pool!







My wife's been watching this new show, Ben and Kate. It's actually not baaaadddd, in fact, I kind of really, really like it. You should check it check it outtttttttttt. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture of a bear talking to a kid dressed as a bear.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Animals My Wife Likes: Foxes

Nice foliage.

Yesterday, at approximately 6:35pm EST, I saw a fox.

It was the first fox I'd ever seen in my life and it was friggin' amazing.

During my first 35 years on this earth, I've been fortunate to see a lot of interesting creatures ...

- a 3-legged dog
- a white person with a mustache
- an albino who ate a meatball sandwich (fascinating)

... but never a fox.

Until yesterday!

This fox that I saw was such a fox!

He looked kinda like a dog, but also sort of like a very very very small deer, but he also looked just like a fox. He had a long, furry, cute nose and a bushy tail and I really wanted to hug him and go nose-to-nose with him but I recognize that if I did that he probably would've ate my nose which would've made me sad because I like my nose and I like smelling things and I wouldn't want to be mad at a fox.

No clue where the camera is. No clue.

Now let's be perfectly honest with each other, it was no coincidence that I saw this fox. God (otherwise known as David Blaine) wanted me to see a fox -- and a perfect wave of events had to occur in order for me to cross paths with Mr. Fox.

You see, I had not planned on seeing a fox yesterday. I had not planned on doing anything yesterday. On my way home from work, I was planning to take my pants off, eat my leftover Italian hoagie and watch TV alllllllll nightttttttttt longgggggg, but as I made my way home, my wife called.

MY WIFE:  Evy?

When my wife calls me "Evy," you know she's had a bad day.

MY WIFE:  What are we gonna have for dinner tonight?

This question is much different than, "What do you want for dinner tonight?" What do you want for dinner means, "Hey, I'm excited to come home and make dinner for us and I love life," whereas "What are we gonna have ..." means, "There's no food in the house and I need you to make me something because my blood sugar is low and I just rode the subway next to a white guy with a mustache and it was terrifying please help me."

ME:  I dunno, I was thinkin' about maybe having my leftov...

MY WIFE:  Can we have egg salad?

Now this doesn't mean, "Can we have egg salad?" this means, "Can you make me some egg salad?" and the answer of course was "yes" because when my wife is down and she needs me to do something for her, I come through, because I'm a loving husband and an egg salad master and I once saw my wife stab a real-life Korean woman right in the neck she totally shanked her there was blood everywhere it was unbelievable please help me I'm so scared every day I live in fear please help this is not a joke you should see the look in her eyes sometimes I'm kidding honey I love you very much please help please kidding again honey hahahaha no seriously please there's so many knives in our house can't wait to watch The Voice tonight honey so much blood everywhere Cee Lo is so funny can't wait for tonight lol help me God help me.

So there I was walkin' home, now saddled with the responsibility of making egg salad and also picking up mayonnaise because we were out. So I had to stop at Wawa to get some, but here's the thing ... AND THIS IS THE KEY PART OF THE STORY .... Wawa doesn't carry Hellman's mayonnaise!

WAWA DOESN'T CARRY HELLMAN'S MAYONNAISE!

They only carry Kraft mayonnaise (in a squeeze bottle, which is no way to run a mayonnaise shop), so I had to leave Wawa empty-handed, go home, get my car and drive to the supermarket -- which allowed me to see the fox!!!

Here's some information about foxes:

- Foxes are nocturnal
- Foxes have monogamous relationships with their mates from Winter to the following Fall
- Most foxes only live to be about three years old, which is sad for them
- The biggest fox ever was 476 feet long, his name was Keith
- There's a book called Fox in Socks about a fox who wears socks, but foxes don't really wear socks which is very sad, because sometimes socks are nice to wear and people shouldn't write books that lie to me

Here are my favourite foxes:


#94 Matthew Fox


Quite a grip you got there, Matty. 


#33 Rick Fox


Get over yourself, Foxy!

By the by, Foxy's real name ............ Ulrich!

Seriously!


#12 Vivica A. Fox


HOW IS SHE ONLY #12???

THIS BLOG IS A SHAM!!!

Also, did you know that Viv played Jazz's sister on Fresh Prince of Bel Air???

NOW WHADDYA THINK OF THIS BLOG???

DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!

#11 This Fox


He's so well behaved.

#10 Redd Foxx


I seriously can't believe how good-looking Rick Fox is I hate him.  


#9 Fleet Foxes



Why are these white people ranked so high? I'm reranking. Fleet Foxes are now #41.  


#8 Fantastic Mr. Fox


Now that's a nice looking fox. 

And yes, I know it's not a real fox.


#7 This Fox


You're telling me you don't wanna go nose-to-nose with this guy?

I think his name is Larry.

I love him.


#6 Jamie Foxx


Heyyyyyyyy ... 


#5 Alex P. Keaton


I don't know what's going on here, but I bet it's hilarious.


#4 Bagels and Lox


I'm sorry.


#3 Megan Fox



Did she just get off a waterslide? What's with the blue bracelet?


#2 The aforementioned Fox in Socks


He's wearing socks!


#1 The Ill Nana



I want her to kick me in the throat!






There's really no good reason why I'm writing about foxes and mayonnaise and not the breakups of Emily and Jef, and Tank Top Tony and Blakely. I'm really sorry. I'm gonna try to write about them soon. To make it up to you, here's an awesome Halloween costume that some kid made.

I Drew a Picture of a Carrot Breakdancing


 Also the carrot is a doctor so he's wearing a stethoscope.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Top Ten Ways To Drive Your Woman Bonkers (in a bad way)

Check out young bull in the background playing Gameboy.
No idea there's a crazy woman going Gangham Style in the street.

There are three things in this world that I've mastered:

- making grilled cheese
- not writing about TV on my blog that's supposed to be about TV
- driving my wife bonkers

In fact, it's not just my wife, I have the innate ability to piss off all women. Co-workers, supermarket checkout girls, prostitutes who refuse to be "paid with compliments."

So seeing as I have this gift, I thought I'd share with you:

The Evster's Top Ten Things 
You Can Say or Do 
to Drive a Woman Bonkers
(in no particular order)
 (also I don't even think I came up with ten of 'em)

---------------------------------------------------------

Tell Her That Mariah Carey is a "Natural Beaut"

I don't think it's so much that women don't find Mariah attractive (they don't), it's more that they feel she has caused irrevocable damaged to the way men perceive how a woman should look: titties out, midrift blazin', shorts so short you can see her urethra. Personally, I can't get enough of Mariah and find her craziness as a MAJOR bonus. I'm also way into urethras.

Numero Uno

Mention the Word "Abortion"

Pro-life, pro-choice, doesn't matter. Just say the word and watch a woman go off. Last week during the Vice Presidential debate, I didn't hear one thing Joe Bides or Paul Ryes said about aborsh because whenever they brought up the subject, my wife started barking like her name was NeNe Leakes:

"Oh hayyllllll nawwwww. Ain't nobody gone tell me what to do with my uterus. I will get pregnant and kill a baby right now. Right now! Ya hear me? Ya hears whats I'm sayings? Yo white boy, yo white boy (that's me, she's talking to me there), lay down on this couch and get me pregnant. Get me pregnant young fella ... 'cause I'm gone kill this baby! I'm 'bout to keell this baby right hee-yuh!"


*SPECIAL BONUS JAWN FOR NEW MOMS

*Bring Up How Great a Celebrity Mom Looks After Just Having a Baby

Ladies, it's okayyyyyy that your titties get saggy as hell. It's okayyyy that your ripe melons turn into soggy, disgusting, three-day-old mashed potatoes that no human being would ever want to eat. We understand. It's all part of the process. We also love mashed potatoes and will honestly eat anything. Also, it's not like we're getting any less moles on our backs. Just 'cause we think Hillary Duff looks good in her Baby Bjorn doesn't mean you don't. Unless you're Giuliana Rancic ... ughhh ... she looks turrible. C'mon lady, you got a decent personality, but them Bruce Lee arms gots to go.

(All of a sudden I'm NeNe Leakes Jr?)

Hi-ya!

"Honey, don't worry about cleaning up after dinner tonight. I got this." -- Dishes Right in the Sink

When we say we're gonna clean the kitchen, we intend to clean the kitchen, but there's always sooooooo many dishes. And pots. And pans. And special knives that can't go in the dishwasher. And every time we try to do the dishes, the sponge smells sooooo mildew'y, and there's nothing worse than a mildew'y sponge. We'll get to them eventually, we really will, but right after we just ate?! That's a lot to ask. Plus, they can wait til the morning / three days from now. Can you just calm down?

Just calm down.

Just calmmmmmmm dowwwwwnnnnnnn.

Tell a Woman to "Calm Down"


Don't even need a caption!

When Fantasy Football Takes Priority Over Anything

Women are getting better at understanding how much dudes like fantasy football -- in fact, my wife actually almost pays attention when I tell her how absolutely bongo-bonkers C.J. Spiller is -- but they still get fired up whenever they're talking to you and you're not listening because you have Larry Fitz and the Cardinals are facing a 3rd and goal and you're down 4 points to your friend Feddd who's a total dickwad and JESUS HOW BAD IS KEVIN KOLB.

That reminds me:

Not Listening When She's Talking to You -- and Even Nodding and Saying Things Like, "Yeah, uh-huh, oh wow," But Really Hearing Nothing

It's to the point where my wife and I have had MANY conversations about this.

After a Lady Complains to You About Something, Give Your Opinion

No. This is not what women want. Sometimes they just want to complain. Let's take a specific scenario and check out three different ways to handle said scenario:

WOMAN:  Ew, Janet at work is friggin' pissin' me off. Today, oh my gawd I wanted to kill her, today, we had this meeting, right? And whatever, we have this meeting all the time, it's our Wednesday meeting, and Janet KNOWS we have this meeting. We have it every Wednesday. So I go up to her and I'm like, "Jan, do you have the notes from the last meeting?" and she's like, "What notes?" And I'm like, "What?" and she's like, "The notes from the meeting?" And I'm like, "Obviously." And it's just like, it's her job to take notes at the meeting and type them up afterwards. I mean, it's her job. It's her jobbbb. And she's like, "Well, yeah, but I haven't typed them up, yet." And I'm like, "That's your jobbbb. That's yer gjahbb. You need to do yer gjahbbbbb."

DUDE:  Well, maybe she just had a busy week and hadn't quite gotten to ...

No. Wrong answer. Try again.

DUDE:  Well, I don't think she was trying to be malicious, she was just ... I mean, she's always been nice to me, so ...

Even worse. This is how you do it:

DUDE:  Awww man, yeah, I'm sorry. That sucks. Yeah. Meetings. I know about meetings. Yeah.

I needs to get me a pipe.

The Old Sunglasses Stare at the Beach -- So Obvious

My wife actually doesn't have a big problem with this one. She's one of those people who is fascinated by the human form, so she fully supports me occasionally checking out hot chicks. She does not like however when we're driving through Villanova's campus and I suddenly scream, "HOLY TANG-TANGS." That's a little different.

Tell Your Wife About Your Married Friend Who Got a Handjob From a Stripper at So-in-so's Bachelor Party

"Hey honey, wanna hear something hilarious that happened this weekend?"

The answer is no.

I know, it's weird!

I'd totally wanna hear that story!

They don't.





Special shout out to my wife and her friends: Chicken Lidds, AF and Big Shirley for helping me brainstorm for this post. Do you have anything to add to the discush? Things we may have missed? If so, add 'em in the comments section below. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrr just check out this dude who tried to feed a banana to a llama. I think eventually the llama gave in and ate that jawn. And I bet it was hilarious.



Tuesday, October 16, 2012

RHONJ: Reunion Part 46 of 133

Joe Giudice, in the upper right hand corner,
dreaming about stopping at Roy Rogers on the ride home.

So there's this old porno called Screamin' Reamers. I've never actually seen it (seriously), but I'm pretty sure we can figure out what it's all about. Someone shoves something into someone else's yorbler, the recipient lets out a blood-curdling scream (which the audience finds VERY erotic, because our society takes pleasure in punishing people sexually), some money is exchanged behind the scenes, a lucrative film franchise is born.

Let it be known, there's actually a whole series of Screamin' Reamers films. Number 11 is called Screamin' Reamers 11: Sperm Suckers. There's another one titled Screamin' Reamers 5: F*ckathon. These are real things.  

Quick recap for those of you whose heads just exploded:

Someone does some ram-jamming ... someone else screams ... dollar dollar bills, y'all.

Pretty much the exact same blueprint as the Real Housewives of New Jersey's reunion.

For 60 straight minutes on Sundee night, people took turns ram-jamming Teresa Giudice, and her only response was screaming like a lunatic.

Sometimes screaming like a lunatic is a very effective defense mechanism (like when my wife told me last week she wanted to go apple picking), but Teresa's arguing only seemed to add fuel to the fire. At one point during the show EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON STAGE was yelling at Teresa, and instead of her cowering and shaking and crying (GREAT MOVES BY THE WAY), she just kept firing away with louder screams which only produced even more powerful reams.

Never gonna look at that one the same, are ya?

The most devastating reams were brought on by her brother, Joe Gorgs, who may or may not have starred in Screamin' Reamers 14: Elephant Dong. Joe and Teresa's sibling rivalry runs deep, so when Joe fired back, it seemed to sting his sister that much more.

I am not insinuating that Joe had butt-sex with his sister, but I'm not not saying it either.

Where Screamin' Reamers and RHONJ differ is in the enjoyment that its participants get out of the process. Teresa didn't seem to appreciate any of her reaming, whereas porn stars, well ... actually, I never SAW Screamin' Reems, so maybe those women didn't fancy it, either. The disgusting pervert in me wants to believe that the women of SR LOVED their reaming, but now I'm sadly realizing that that's probably not the case. Even sadder for Teresa is the fact that after a long day on set, the women of Screamin' Reams get to go home to their spouses and get the emotional comfort and soothing that one needs after getting their butthole blasted. Teresa had to go home WITH JOE GIUDICE, a man who lists his favorite hobby as "apple sauce".

I'm guessing that following the show, Teresa had a level 9 major meltdown after realizing that she had alienated everyone in her life, except for her cro-magnon husband. I picture her in the Bravo parking lot, slumped over her steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably while Joe -- next to her in in the passenger seat (remember, he doesn't have a license) -- gently pet her on the back, and then got bored after around four seconds and was like, "Alright, alright already! Let's go, stop crying! I wanna go to Roy Rogers!" And then Teresa probably drove him to Roy Rogers, and Joe got upset because he couldn't figure out how to work the horseradish sauce dispenser, so Teresa helped him, and then Joe dropped his cheeseburger, and then he punched a table and demanded apple sauce.

Silver lining?

Some anal porn stars end up straightening their lives out and going into real estate.

Most end up addicted to meth.






In an earlier draft of this post (and yes, sometimes I do multiple drafts), I came up with around 43 other titles for Screamin' Reamers films. One of them was Screamin' Reamers 7: Titty Smashers. That was probably my favourite. If you'd like the complete list of my made-up SR film titles, email me at TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this hilarious thing that the LA Clippers are doing to each other when someone falls asleep on road trips. #GotEm